I too do not understand this behaviour. Since she is your husband's daughter perhaps she resents you, which is so stupid as it is you who are caring for him but as you said earlier, she blames you that he has AD..which is another way of showing her resentment that you are married to her dad. She is the loser. I overheard my middle girl telling one of her friends that " she is keeping my dad alive"..don't know what the conversation was about but heard that much so my girls are not of the same resentful mind your step daughter is. It is very sad she refuses to be educated about this disease as it could impact her one day..let her keep her stupid head in the sand and worry not one more minute about her. You will be so much better off not using your energy on such an ungrateful woman. You have the law on your side and the admiration of so many others on your side including all of us here on Joan's site.
And just remember, her brother will remember how she has behaved...and when times get tough for her in whatever way that may happen, what went around is going to come around to her again.
Years ago there was a situation where I decided that the only thing I could to was turn those people over to God. If they needed punishing, God would do it. If I was wrong about them, God could take care of that too. It was no longer any of my business. I could get on with MY life.
This, by the way, is the essence of Forgiveness. It isn't saying that what they did was right. It is simply giving up the job of getting revenge for what they did. It is admitting that it just is not my job and certainly not worth my time or effort. God can do a much better job of it than I ever could do.
And it turned out that way. In a couple of cases I have no idea how it turned out. And don't care. In one case, what came around was worse than anything I could ever have imagined, much less done. But either way, I got on with my life and it did not affect me at all.
Starling you are so right - life has a way of coming around and dealing out what is needed for you whether it be good things, bad things or lessons. There is a wonderful saying of "what goes around, comes around".
My priority is my husband and what he wanted, my priority is not what my step-sons want for their father. It is sad that we are not all on the same page but that they are not on the same one as their father's is their problem and choice. The only thing I have been trying to do in the meantime is to not close the door on my side. They are welcome to step through if they want but I won't be stepping to their side of the door. I do know that I will walk away from all of this knowing that I did the best I could for their father and that is enough.
Ann, I didn't say this but... when your husband's going to be evaluated, you might slip him a sleepy tablet or some such, before they come or you go...
If it makes you feel any better, my step daughter has not spoken to her dad in 2 years. Even after the dx she still has not tried to contact him. They had a falling out 2 years ago. Now I know it was the AD that caused it. My step son did come by to visit one time after the dx and had the granddaughters come along too. But only one call after that, and that was 5 months ago. I know his life is very busy, but still. So you are not the only one who has problems with step kids. My own kids who my DH adopted do not call or the one who lives in town does not even come by. It is so sad, they don't seem to understand that time is slipping away and a day will come when they will not be able to talk with their dad. The only saving grace to this is our 14 year old. She told me the other day that she would take care of her dad if I was unable to and when she can drive she will take him to the doctors for me. How blessed we are to have her. She is worth her weight in gold, (most days:))
Blue, what a blessing your 14 year old is. Good job on her. Could be the others have already buried him - their way to cope. They just don't realize that eventually they will have 'if only's to deal with - if they have any love or feelings for him at all. It seems to often kids now a days only come around or call if they want something. I realize it is not true for all because many here have kids that help. But I know far more people that have children like mine that only want, not to give. I will admit our son is trying which surprises me because he was the one I pushed away when he was growing up. It wasn't his fault - he just triggered all the pain men and boys had caused me, I just didn't know that was the reason then.
Your story brings some painful memories. My mother was abused by her father as a young girl. So was her sister. My mother was still able to give as a parent and I can't complain about my upbringing. But there was always something there between us where she didn't trust me the way she did my sister. She didn't open to me the same way. She seemed to always favor my sister.
I heard the story of the abuse and should have understood; but, I didn't. I only came to take in what it all meant when she spent time with me towards the end and we had some long talks and some real tears together. I know that there are deep and serious things inside me which have been resolved and now easily go away because of those long talks where she told me everything and what it did to her and how she felt because of it (and how much she tried to do the right things by me).
I don't know why men are so territorial and abusive of their own spirit. But there is much more of this sort of thing than is spoken about because I have done considerable reading and I'm the kind of person people open up to and tell me things they might not tell everyone. I've heard far too many stories of sexual and/or physical abuse and not always about our females.
Everybody's situation is different in how things are in the present world. I've read some of what happened to you in other posts. All I can say is that my mother opening up in detail to me was what I needed to understand and so accept. It helped me a great deal knowing I wasn't the cause. It wasn't anything about me. It was about what had happened to her.
When I was in public school and did my first good painting I ran home with my A+ and my mother tore it up and hit me for lying that I had done it. When my mother lived with us for some months she went on and on about my cooking. She loved how I cooked and would ask for her favorites with real enthusiasm. I don't carry the first story as a weight anymore. When I had her late in life I screamed this at her at about 160 decibles. She calmly answered that it wasn't fair to just remember where she'd made mistakes. I wanted her to show that she was sorry. I always remember that answer though because it just has to be true. My mother's ashes are right over there in my studio in the sunlight. I am painting again. And my mother watches. It's one of my little games and she always loved the sun.
I'm sorry about the things that happened to you and no doubt other readers here too. We uniformly could all use a little healing. The caregiver, the patient, the healthcare worker, the siblings and relatives and children, we could all use it.
Wow, Wolf, Your story has dredged up something in my own life. I have 2 brothers. We were all adopted as infants. My older brother and I ( not biological) came from the same orpahnage and were about 4 month old when placed. My younger brother was born in a different state and was placed with them when he was a real newborn. Things seemed fine until he came along then mom changed...she was always devoted to the younger brother but my older brother..well maybe we were just old sort of used babies and the younger lad was a real new never been anywhere else baby. Things overall went well until the youngest was found to be, shall we say, unusually bright. So is the older lad..but he has problems like autism. Then there was me squished in the middle. Somehow it always was that Dad favored the older boy and mom the younger one. Even in her AD it was that way with her but she relied on me for the grunt work. When I was little, mom. who had been an RN told me stories of living in the nurses residence..and there was one story she told more often than not which as a little kid of about 8 I could never understand and that was about one of the nurses who was " very social and got herself in a family way and lost her job and had to leave the nurses residence." When I asked what happened to her, she said she didn't know and didn't care as that nurse disgraces the profession. After my parents died and to get to the truth of some things, far to long to go into here, I did a search..without going into too much detail, since no one in my family knows I did this, I learned by way of what is called non identifying information, that my natural mother was a Lt in the Army Nurse Corps and was 23 when she had me. I think my mom held that against me all my life. I was never smart enough, thin enough, organized enough etc for her. When I would try to talk to her about our relationship she would tell me I was full of prunes or too sensitive. It has taken a long time to let that anger go. My brothers never knew of my anger or why though my younger brother does acknowledge mom's and dad too for that matter, neglect of interest in me or my life as an adult in spite of the fact the welcome mat was always out. Wolf, I am glad you and your mother got this sorted out before she went to receive her crown. And having her ashes where you paint now..there is something really sweet about that...I wish I had something like that to hang onto.
Wolf, thank you for your story. After I got into counseling and understood why I had such anger towards my kids (adopted at 1 and 2) I shared with them. My son has accepted it, forgiven and we slowly work on building a relationship. My daughter on the other had has used the information against me. She was the one I devoted myself to while she was growing up - I worked and homeschooled her until she was 16 when I emotionally crashed. She has been angry at me ever since for not being there for her any longer. She has her own issues and emotional problems that she needs to deal with from the abandonment by her birth parents. Until she gets help we have no where to go.
You are right that people hid things in the past. When I was arguing with my sister before we left and I brought up I hate to be hugged, especially tight because of what our uncle did to every girl in the family. She wanted to know why mom never spoke of it, or of her uncle raping her, or any of the girls in the extended family. I said ' people didn't talk back then'. My mom told me a few years ago I never liked to be hugged as a baby, toddler or child. I wonder why? She would hug me, put me in bed, then grab my brother who was a year older and always sick, and took him to bed with her.
I too experienced the cold shoulder. In 2nd grade my oldest sister, the one we park at, wanted to reward me with 25 cents for every A I got and mom told her no, I didn't need the encouragement. It was always that - Charlotte is strong and can handle it on her own.
Yes, there are a lot of us messed up from painful childhoods, but we are survivors. Unfortunately, many of us messed up our kids.
My goodness--some people just have all the power. This is so silly. My grandmother had 3 daughters. She made her middle daughter (my mother) the POA and executrix of her property. Bear in mind, she didn't have anything.
Mother's oldest sister was very angry about this 'slight' and told my mother to her face that it was no wonder that her husband was a drunk and beat up on her. They are both dead now but they never spoke again.
Sad isn't it? Best way to handle it os tp cpmsoder tje spirce amd ogmpre ot/