Just received a rather nasty email from my husband's daughter (age 34)---after being silly enough to suggest she help with her father. No, she does not live around here, but is able to visit her friends in this area. When I suggested that she spend more than one afternoon with her father, so went on a rage. Obviously I had hit the "guilt" spot.
Included in her note was that I was the reason he had EOAD. Naturally, I have heard this before, but I feel the need to respond to this one.
So, any suggestions? Phranque? Anything?
Why do people act like this? I still think she's blaming her guilty feelings on me. After been home with my husband 24/7 for 3 years, I'm getting tired of silly things like this........
Any suggestions would be helpful...........Thanks for letting me vent!
Ann, that just takes the cake. How to respond to such ignorance? Obviously she's been too lazy to take the trouble to learn anything about her father's illness. Please don't respond hastily. You'll be glad later if you take plenty of time to consider carefully before you reply. It's hard to refreain from being nasty to such terrible remarks, but better if you COULD. (I'm saying this because I tend to be too hasty myself in such cases and have wished later that I hadn't.)
Here is another good one...My sister-in-law and I both lost our mothers 20 years ago. our husbands' mother has always been very kind to us. I have know her 38 years and my sister in law for 40 something years.
We have been helping our FIL who has dementia while our MIL is recovering from surgery. One of our husbands' sisters has a hard time when we call MIL "mom." She told my SIL that "she must not have loved her own mom much" to be calling someone else mom.
I agree with JeanetteB, don't do anything quick. You are already the bad guy in her eyes so don't give her any reason to prove that she is right. I always say to Document, document, document. someday, you can rub the binder in her face with all that you did for her father. You can even highlight in yellow the things that she did for him. Hang in there. People like that don't even deserve a response. The saying goes that the one at fault talks the loudest.
Good advice, Jeanette. I, being passive aggressive (LOL), would probably point out that you will have to get more and more paid help in to give you some respite. If she has any brains at all she will figure out that there will be less money in the estate. Most idiots understand money....
Ann, first you should just forget about having her give any support or help. I would not respond to her at all. There is NOTHING you can do or say to change those types of people and their thinking. They are not worth the effort and nothing you do or say is going to change anything. Put your time and energy into loving and caring for DH and try to get some respite for yourself from paid aides or others who "get it". Hugs
I like Mary in Montana's, "People like that don't even deserve a response. The saying goes that the one at fault talks the loudest." For me, and I've had these remarks from the step kids too often, is to not reply to them. Frustrates the hell out of them; they do stupid things that show up their true motives; and it requires no effort on my part. It is hard to do, but pays off by saving my energy in the long run. Besides, they can't quote you.
Mary75--I especially like your last line "they can't quote you".
Ann--There are sources of funding for respite care--others have posted info. here re area offices of aging, etc. I know that Medicaid and the VA can pay for adult daycare, if you qualify. Some people here have also mentioned that members of their churches either take their LO's out or visit the home so the caregiver can get respite. Since you're having trouble finding NH placement, maybe some of these ideas can tide you over until you get that worked out.
Yes, I have looked into all respite care sources in our small area. We fall in that nasty hole.........SSD and LTD considered too much income for outside help.....however, our basic expenses are higher that our income. We are not eligible for Medicaid.......yet-------------- and my husband was not a veteran. For some reason the Office on Aging doesn't see EOAD in the same way. The only Adult Day Care facility has closed.
Gosh, PrisR, if my cooking was involved, their is no doubt I am the cause of this disease!
"Hope you are doing well. So you don't make an as... of yourself in the future when talking about Alzheimer's I have enclosed the following link to asist you in becoming more knowledgable about it"
I think I would send a letter that kills her with kindness but gets your point across. I would include some of the following. 1. I know how difficult this is for you and how hard it is to accept the deterioration that this disease presents especially at the age of your father. We all seem to think of Alzheimer's as a condition assigned to the elderly which both you and know is not true. It can and does affect younger people. 2. One of the most important things I think you might want to consider is that in the future your father probably will not recognize you and visits to see him at that time will be even more difficult and maybe even meaningless to you. I don't think you would want to carry the guilt of waiting too long to spend time with him. This time now is precious to both of you. 3. I do understand your feeling and from your comments I believe you do not have a good understanding of this condition which seems to cloud your judgment. Therefore, I am recommending a list of articles that you might want to read so that you can discuss his condition in a more knowledgeable way and maybe help you on this journey. Both your father and I look forward to seeing and please try to find the time from your busy schedule to make your father's life more meaningful by a longer visit from his daughter.
You are all great! I did send a response to her statements. I slept on it first, but did it anyway....I haven't heard from her and not at all sure she will reply.
I very well may send the above too! What a migraine I have! Maybe I should wait?
Thanks....I find I always get more personal satisfaction out of "killing them with kindness"....it probably lays a quilt trip on them which they deserve and that is my purpose....There is no advantage of getting mad and ranting with someone that doesn't understand the facts and it is obvious this gal doesn't understand the fact....go for QUILT
Ann, you may want to add this from the enclosed link for her reading pleasure:
Family History and Alzheimer's People who have a parent or sibling that developed Alzheimer’s disease are two to three times more likely to develop the disease than those with no family history of Alzheimer’s. If more than one close relative has been affected, the risk increases even more.
Scientists have identified two kinds of genes that are associated with this familial risk factor. The first is thought to be a “risk gene,” ApoE 4, that increases the likelihood of developing Alzheimer’s, but does not guarantee it. In addition to ApoE 4, scientists think there could be up to a dozen more risk genes yet to be discovered.
The second kind of gene is a “deterministic gene” and is much rarer than risk genes. Deterministic genes are only found in a few hundred extended families around the world. If a deterministic gene is inherited, the person will undoubtedly develop Alzheimer’s, probably at a much earlier age.
Go to http://alzheimers.about.com/od/whatisalzheimer1/a/causes.htm to learn more about your possible future.
Ann, you could simply ask her to "please get hold of the Alzheimer's Association as soon a possible. They have been trying to find the cause for over 50 years and could use your help ASAP".
Trying to reason with an unreasonable person is like mixing oil and vinegar. Good ideas in here like don't let them quote you and using helpfulness as a delivery tool. I especially like the comment don't mess with a caretaker.
But more seriously it's so clear that you love him and are taking care of him and the stepdaughter is causing you pain. We don't know why some portion of the people are mean spirited. But they are.
In this case I sense guilt from unresolved issues between her and her father that she's transfering to you rather than resolve them herself. That might not be it at all. It might be that she just is this way.
You cannot win this. Defending yourself against his daughter will cause more conflict inside. What I hear is that you are an honest, feeling person - and so are not equipped for the flamethrowing type interactions required. My advice is hire JudithKB.
The only thing I came up with if she shows up is, "What? No broom?"
Thanks for the above.......Yes, she does blame me for the disease ---since I married her father---however, doesn't even remember her own parents together......go figure. (She was only 4 when they divorced--I didn't know him then)
Funny, we used to always say that her mother used a broom as a mode of transportation!
I'm just worried that if we happen to see her around town...........I'm not sure of my response...A deep breath may be the first thought!
Ann, If you see her around town, take that deep breath and walk on by. Remember, " these boots were made for walkin' and that's just what they're gonna do....these boots are gonna walk all over you" if you try to be more trouble to me than you already have been.....just keep the little jingle in mind....as you float on by..as is " walk on by..." you know that tune too.
I agree with the motto" Don't mess with a caregiver"!
Update........We never saw my DH's stepdaughter. Not a call or a visit! All this after she claimed that she saved every penny to travel North and visit her father. Hmmmm......she left out one part......HER FATHER! What makes it even harder to swallow is that she is staying in our tiny litle town...........only a mile or two from our house!
I know I should get over this, but she's been tweeting about the wonderful time she has had. Dinners out....visiing and partying with old friends. I so what to tweet something short and sweet back.....only something she would understand....but REALLY understand.
Suppose it is childish, but after everything she has said to me, I feel the need to blow some steam......
Ann, Is she tweeting to you or on something like Face Book? I would not give her the satisfaction of letting her know that I am aware of the "good time "she is reporting and that this is so bothersome to you. She has shown her colors and the people in your small town surely know. And of course, if you cross paths with some folks you know who may have seen her and say anything like " we saw _____ . Did she have a good visit with her dad?" What an opening for you to reply in an offhanded way " no she didn't have time to come to see him." and say nothing more. Word will get around and folks will know, if they don't already know what kind of a woman she is. Wolf said there could be some unfinished business between them...if so she is letting the last opportunity go past where she and he could come to terms and make peace. Another thing, if you can, make copies of her posted tweets..and document everything, every call, keep copies of every note you have ever sent her, every note she has sent back, jot down any phone conversations etc...Just hold your head high, and don't bother with her anymore than you absolutely have to.
Ann, I was just thinking, if and when your DH needs more care than you can provide at home and he needs a nh, have you given thought to what you will tell this "darling"? Or how you might do that? If I were in your spot, I would have that as a concern and if you have an elder lawyer it might be a good idea to discuss this delicate issue now rather than deal with it when things are more emotional for you. I'm sorry to put another boulder in your road but your situation really got me to thinking should my step kids at some point behave like this. I am so sorry for your broken heart with regard to this but don't let it break your spirit. Arms around, Mimi
There's an old Russian saying that I find it helpful when dealing with the craziness of my step kids: "They're only sh*##ing on their own heels." It gives me the pause to cool down, and, sure enough, they do themselves in, in the long run.
Mimi, We have been doing the nursing home search for the last 6 months and his dear daughter knows this. Eventhough I was told that he needed immediate placement----no one seems to help with the process. Since he is still mobile, he doesn't qualify for skilled nursing.....We are to search for the unspoken level 4. Due to his age and our lack of funds, this is just a nightmare.
We talked with an attorney 3 years ago, but not an elder law attorney. We have our house, or the bank does, but nothing else. Our wills, POA, etc.. were all updated. He didn't want to include his daughter in his will, but we were told that would be questioned. Anyway, she is "remembered" in the will, but our son will be the main beneficiary. Of course I say all of this when we really don't have anything! Certainly didn't expect to be diagnosed at age 59, but what age should anyone expect this?
The sweet daughter has returned home now. Her grandmother isn't well either, but I guess if she cared, she'd inquire about her health as well.
DH has declined in the last 3 weeks, too..... His physical health is fine, but this disease is speeding......
Ann, my husband was mobile too. In fact he is much more demented cognitively than physically. In his case he needed to be take to the hospital because of aggression and because he was a runner. He went to the hospital the day after there was a police report filed that made his mental condition obvious and the police sent a policeman and a car as part of the group that took him to the hospital as a result. Just in case.
Once he got to the hospital he made it obvious to them, by his behavior, that he was at risk, for himself and for me. And that was pretty much that. His condition meant he needed to be medically assessed and he needed to be assessed therapeutically. That means skilled nursing. And that made the nursing home not just possible but essential even when he transitioned to long term care. The fact that he attempted to run on them just meant that no one questions why he has to be there.
Who told you that your husband needed immediate placement? And why did they say that? And if it is a doctor of some kind, why aren't they helping you get him placed?
The last thing you need to is let godzilla under your skin right now. Not seeing her father when she came to see her father makes cruella's mindset clear and if I were you I would be asking myself one question. How often do I want to burn my hand on the stove before I stop touching it.
A great philosopher Pollyanna once said, "if you look for the good in people you will surely find it and if you look for the bad in people you will surely find it." I would apply that to the idea that if we look for the things that beat us down we will surely find them and if we truly look for the strength within we will find that too.
Like most of us here, you have difficult things to face and when we look in almost every case we see others dealing with things we don't think we could do as well at. Yet in almost all those cases the writer doesn't feel that way at all.
It feels like this for everyone. And we need to pick where we will use our limited energy units. Find that zen image inside that broomhilde is trapped on her broom and wish her well. Practise by skipping her twitter messages. She can e-mail or talk to her brother if something real comes up.
Lasso the anger and put it to work. Here's what I want you to focus on says Ann to her anger (and all that lovely energy) - stop chasing mental midgets and get me some answers! (That's how you have to talk to your anger channel because of course it's anger).
I'm very serious. While I would never compare this with finding religion within us, in some small ways it's similar. Finding strength and from that finding how to cope, and how to solve - isn't a task. It's an awakening. You can solve these problems. Open your heart and feel the force.
(Darth Vader is your father Luke) No. Not that one. Wrong channel. (I can do this. I want to figure this out.) Yes. That one.
A little lightheartedness never hurt anyone. The real key is to pry open new doors within ourselves. If anyone figures out how to do this I can be reached at 555....
My husband is not a runner...His moods are changing, but nothing anyone else would notice right NOW. I was told that he presents too well. I was also told that he was in the best physical health that his neuro had ever seen. This is all great news, but the social worker who is with his neuro believes he has passed the time of placement....i.e. I've waited too long. I do believe she does have my best interest in mind with that. Our PC said that it would take a broken hip or something along that line for him to be admitted. Yes, he falls....and he falls often........However, I tend to catch him or he falls on me and I'm the one who gets hurt.
DH worked many years with these doctors and they appear to be in denial. How can they not understand? Of course his neuro understands, but is located far from our area. I have contacted all facilities within an hour from our home and not one would accept him. The last one said that he did meet the criteria needed for the NH. Since he was not bedridden, he didn't qualify. That being said, AS has said that he is beyond what they can handle. However, I am supposed to be able to do it........I am alone and am at the point of thinking that I am the one who should be placed. ---I don't think I present as well as HE does! Who has time?---Takes too long to get him ready.
My husband isn't a runner.........yet, but his moods are changing. He has always been a likeable person, but that is changing.........Seems I am the only one to notice, but since we never can go out, who else would notice?
Our son is due home on or about August 21st..........If something doesn't happen before that, it has to then.
Sweet stepdaugter is now posting pictures on twitter of her most enjoyable trip to Vermont. I so want to say something to her..........grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr..
Your father was disappointed not to see you but I explained to him there wasn't time to come and see him when you came into town to visit. I'm looking forward to seeing you next time you come to visit him again.
Or . . . "Sorry to have missed you on your recent trip. You must have stopped by the evening we were at the (most outrageous lie you can think of." (White House Dinner; premier of ---'s new movie; etc.)
I agree with Wolf on all but one thing....I would still keep a record of all her tweets...you never know when you may need some kind of proof. I have always kept " MEMO FOR RECORD" from working days when I had to deal with unions and employees..so that is a habit and it has been useful.
Now as to a good one liner...well as a INTJ, I would have to think on that....the important letters are the T and J which means Thinking and Judgmental. Most women are not T and J and I am not the touchy feely kind....so...I tend to be more blunt...I am an Irishman who will simmer and then Katie Bar The Door! Being that she is so self centered and selfish, I would be more inclined to say , in MY most dignified and ladylike way, something like " Say "Sweetums" I know you were in town. It is not important how I know this. I did want to take the opportunity to let you know how very much we appreciated the courtesy of your not ringing our doorbell thus sparing us from one more of your most unpleasant visits. We had plans for a lovely time out and are so happy we did not have to change our plans to accommodate you."
Ann, on FB follow her friends...I do that with the grandkids since I don't know what in heck they are talking about most of the time..and such language! Makes a crow blush!
I bet she told them to block you from their pages too.
She has made her case known. You and by extension her father are of no concern to her so don't give her any further satisfaction knowing you stress about her not seeing her father. It is her loss. You have more important things to concern yourself with now. You have your DH and your son and I would suggest putting your energy into them. If this selfish daughter knew you are upset, she would revel in this..so don't give that to her. She has shown no interest and it is going to be her loss. And for what it is worth, now that you have all your business in order, wills, trust or whatever and she has been remembered with a token so she cannot come back and contest anything just wash your hands of her.
Good idea, Mimi........Just don't understand this behavior. Guess I wasn't raised that way....I took care of my parents, but that was just me. At least I have no regrets.