Lately, there have been a number of medical issues going on with my DH and Dad, in addition to the regular responsibilities. I find that I'm lacking initative to make social plans that I used to. And sadly, for the most part, if I don't pick up the phone and make them, nothing happens. On the one hand, I know I should be planning some daytrips, outings that it will be harder (if not impossible) to do with DH later on. But on the other hand, I just wish someone would invite us to tag along when they go somewhere a little out of the area so that they could take care of the details and driving! Last night, I was out with 3 girlfriends for dinner. We had a great time (the husbands occupied DH), but it came out that 2 of the couples are planning a daytrip for next Tues. We are all close--would it have hurt them to see if we could go along? I think it just never crossed their minds, they are caring people, but even they don't get it.
I know Marilyin. Other than my daughters (they were wonderful about including us) nobody else thought or wanted to include us to their home for a evening, etc. But then we haven't visited friends for years so in my case I didn't expect it to happen. You and Steve have been more social. I have a cousin, who lives close, and she has never invited us to her home directly. We talk and e-mail at least twice a week. I think maybe her husband might feel a little uncomfortable and now that I am a widow, I sometimes wonder if they are being protective of their husbands.
Marilynin it took me a long time to realize that both my husband and I were the normal initiators of get togethers with groups of our friends. When he no longer was able to do this and I no longer had the energy to do it, we kind of got left on the side of the road. Some didn't know how to act around my husband or couldn't handle what was happening to the dynamic man they once knew. I have also run into a bit of the "we are no longer a couple so shouldn't be invited" feeling since his placement.
I have also seen some people decide that ________________ would be too much for him so they didn't ask. I have even seen this with some family members and friends towards me. Oh, she is so busy with work and seeing her husband, she won't want to do ____________. I am finding that I resent this attitude because it takes the choice away from me. It also does not give me a chance to rearrange things so that I can do it and have something away from and outside the AD world. So, you are correct - they just don't get it.
Lois, you hit the nail on the head when you said "widow". Wives are very protective of their husbands - like they think now that we are widowed, we are immediately going to latch onto their husbands.
"Social plans" - what are those? Wait a minute.....let me go back a couple of years.......yes, we DID go to dinner with other couples......and occasionally took trips with them.......I'll have to check my scrapbooks to see when the last one was - it was a long time ago.....
If they don't want me to be included AFTER, well, that is THEIR loss!!!! I have several spouses from Joan's place that I intended to see and visit with and socialize with!!!! So there!!!!
Lois, little do these women know we are not interested in their old husbands...LOL! Been there, had one, lost one, have the scars to prove it and happy to be on my own....
I think that it is mostly that others do not know how to cope with the problem. I have a lot of support from my family and from Charlie's, but not hands on support. 2 years ago we took a trip to VA Beach with his family (3 sisters, a brother and a brother in law). We had our meals together but for the most part Charlie and I spent a lot of time in the hotel room alone because they had no idea what to do with him. The brother in law was probably the most help. One, he is a teacher of children with special needs and two, he isn't as close to him as the sisters and brother. That was our last trip.
I'll go back and read the other views but want to put my thoughts in on this first. I have experienced this too. Here is my story: DH has always been the story teller, joke teller, and geology professor when he and the guys would go golding ( prospecting)..they had more fun than success at finding the yellow metal, though my DH in the past found a fair amount...Then a neighbor, who always came for coffee once or twice a week announced two weeks ago he would not be coming anymore...says he has to "pee like a race horse"...I said we have a bathroom! And DH has a "friend" to whom he was close for years..went to flight school together. We would fly across country to see this guy ( and DH family too) drive across the desert ( when we lived in Yuma, AZ) to see DH family and see this "friend", and drive from our location in Central CA to see his family in LA and then go on to Orange County to see this "friend" and others as well. Only when these same people were on the way to SF or somewhere did they ever take the time to see us ( we were a nice b&b). Now this friend doesn't call, and when his own mother had AD he never went to see her saying " she doesn't know me anyway"...never mind that a visit from someone she can't recall might bring something pleasant to HER day... These people get uncomfortable, don't want to be embarrassed, don't want to repeat answers, etc..so our LO and by extension we caregivers, become an inconvenience. WE become a lot of work and when they are going to have a dinner or an outing they don't want to be bothered. Look how often people in NHs are ignored by family members. Excuses: they don't know me, they don't talk much, I don't like the smell of the place..you name it. They don't want the responsibility of staying with a LO while we get some time out to get a hair cut, shop, go for a walk... I told my SIL yesterday I want her and the family to drive up to see DH, keep the number of visitors to 2 so you can have a quality visit ( they would bring the whole tribe otherwise since they don't understand how upsetting this can be to the LO) and I will scoot out of the way otherwise DH will just go quiet...I told her straight out about how I feel about this "friend" who never bothers to even call...and said DH needs the stimulation of friends and family to go some places to be with different people beside me all the time..and I can't be playmate and shoulder all the responsibilites of running to appointments with him, clean, laundry etc that we all know so well as much as I would like to do. So why didn't they ask you to go on an outing with them? Probably because they don't want to walk slower, answer questions over again, think they might be,embarrassed. ( My uncle suffered this disease, He was CEO of Sunkist...his so called good professional friends, including a bil, with whom he played golf when he was well, all, every one of them, abandoned him when he started to need help..My DH always took him out, helped him tee his ball and point the direction and always made sure my uncle won the rounds...Now here we are, facing the same thing my aunt and uncle did.
It just goes to re- enforce the statement that we know who our friends really are when the going gets tough. If they just vanish or start to dis- include us from activities, maybe the friendship wasn't all that much to crow about in the first place.
IMHOR* without a doubt they are protective of their husbands and see us as a threat. The LO doesn't even have to be ill. When I would be on a business trip our friends would have DH over for dinner..but when he would be away no such invitation came my way ever...same for us caregivers and widows.. Maybe those wives don't want us needy type women who no longer have a DH who can help with the manly chores to ask their spouse for help..thank goodness for lic handymen!
I can count on one hand all the visits we have had from my family in 39 years - and I had 8 siblings. they would drive by but never stop. We would go see them but it was a one way road. Worse with dh's family. His parents flew out a few times but it was always a year they were willing to give up Florida. We would go see my mom every 3 months (6 - 8 hour one way drive for a stressful visit but I wanted my kids to know their grandma but they always felt cause they were adopted they didn't matter cause she would drive the 4 hours to visit their cousins often) and other weekends do the 4 hour drive to see siblings that lived nearby. After hb's affair and we lost all the 'friends' we thought we had, never really made more. Yes, acquaintances, but not real friends. So there is no one to disappear now. Maybe that is a blessing in disguise.
This is so depressing to read, because it is so true! Just reading it, I had faces flash in front of me that have abandoned us... still get so angry about it and, good grief, wish similar bad things to befall them! Then there are the true friends, like tonight, when we get a call to come over for a glass of wine and some conversation to play catch up. I feel like I'm going to a function! YEA! So sad.
We moved to a different area when my DH was still functional, but everything had to be repeated several times. As soon as the men in the community figured out what was wrong they started very pointedly excluding him and eventually we were excluded from couples activities. I managed to maintain three women friends over the years. Now that DH is in a facility,I am still being excluded from the couples events because I am not part of a couple. 12 years later some of these same people are now experiencing health problems and disability, so guess who gets called to bring a hot dish/dessert to someones house to help out!! Not one of them had time for me or my DH and I think it is pretty darn nervy. It is all I can do not say, "I would be happy to on the same day H--- freezes over!" I don't take a dish.
My DH has been in a nursing home since mid- January. We live in a mobile home park. Jean (DH) was maintenance supervisor here for ten years and I have been working in the office for 15. Therefore, everyone in the park knows us. They will always say "tell Jean we said hello". Now Jean wouldn't remember if I said their name but if he saw their face it would probably be familiar to him. But do they go see him? Of course not. And It's only 10 minutes away. A couple of time when they hit me at the wrong time and asked how he was, I said "why don't you go over there and find out yourself" No answer.
As I have said be4, I don't suffer fools at all anymore. Tonight on the way into church, our neighbor who lives across the street and said 2 weeks ago he was not coming over for coffee anymore asked " how's your DH doing?" to which I said" why don't you come over for a visit and find out for yourself". Then his wife said, you know I am going in for knee surgery on Tuesday. I said really? she said I told you...and I said no you told me last time I saw you that you were going to confer with the doctor..that was 2 weeks ago.
We go to church every Saturday evening. After that, we go out with a group of widows and a widower. A number of these friends are new to us and the group changes from week to week. They know DH's disabilites and accept him and his need to sit next to me and use the rest room 3 or 4 times during dinner. I am very thankful for this group. It is something I look forward to all week, when the only phone messages are recorded reminders of Dr appointments or solicitations.
Marilyn, you are singing to the choir..as they say. One by one, couple by couple, dropped us as he became slower, less communitive, and I felt so bad. I would call and invite them over to watch Super Bowl, or other fun "man things" that wouldn't require Foster to be the Host with the Most, several years ago, but gradually, they'd have 'other plans' or just say they couldn't make it. Foster couldn't understand why no one would come over like they always did before. It was so hard. You're right...you really learn who your friends are.
Not exactly on this subject...but kind of. My High School is having a informal reunion of sorts...I thought I would attend, but, after I RSVP & saw the list of people who had responded...sadness set in when I saw my name alone for the first time, for the last 41 years it was always my husband & I attending.
My heart goes out to all you dear sisters who are seeing that "friends" sometimes come with disclaimers that they will only be there when it suits their agenda. We are blessed that we have friends who go out of their way to help. We are 5 couples who eat together at least 2x a week. The men make sure that DH gets his order right at the restaurant and that he is using the right condiments with his food. When I invite people over I always make sure there is at least 2 couples so that they have someone to talk with and include my DH in the conversation. I know how difficult it is to hold a conversation with him. Our children live some distance from us so these dear friends include us whenever they can. These special people are out there. I pray you can find the friendships you all deserve.