Off to my mom and dad's for a few days. I miss them so much. I have some things to do before I leave, though. Some LAUNDRY! Got a wierd call yesterday, on both my cell and land line. Didn't answer because I thought it was just a telephone solicitation. My NEIGHBOR got a call looking for me, too!! This was too strange. So, I called the number and asked for the woman who left the message on my machine. She wouldn't talk to me...she was actually looking for JOHN. I explained his circumstances, offered my help. Nope, I had to send a copy of my DPOA before she could talk with me. Began to panic again by that time. So, faxed DPOA to her. To make a long story shorter, the VA. dept of taxation is after him for non-payment of back taxes...2006 when he filed seperately. They are threatening to begin legal action to take what is owed them (so is the Federal gov't...). They sounded disappointed when I told them he owns no property, there is no life insurance, savings, etc. The representative asked me how I lived...told her by the hand of my parents and GOD at this point!! Believe it or not, she asked if my parents could be contacted so that they might agree to pay what is owed (told her resoundingly, no WAY). She continued to ask me if she could take my "statement" so that she could 'assist' me in setting up a payment plan. I asked her, "with WHAT? I HAVE no income at this point"! *sigh* In the end, I told her she'd be getting a call from my attorney today, gave her HIS name and phone, address, fax, etc. That's just another thing I'm paying him for, right? Then, I turned on the televisiion and fell asleep. Am now going to call my attorney, put it all in his (and God's) hands....and go visit with my parents. Figure I'll just be a phone call away, huh? Taking my laptop, so, I'll be in touch. (Hey, found out that the retirement community where mom and dad live has a bank of computers and printers, scanners, faxes, etc. for the use of the residents! COOL!)
You know, the more I think about it, the more attractive a place like that seems to retire to. Wow, no more "farmer tan" in the summertime, I could garden if I wanted to (or NOT), go on trips and outings and not have to own a car (not have to own a computer, either, apparently), wouldn't have to fight deep snow, tractors, wild animals, BUY HAY, fund the vet's kid's college educations. Maybe I could concentrate on my studio work....HEAL UP once and for all. hmmmmm (AND, if I'm desperate, there's a horse center across the river).
That's the purpose of the Over 55 Residential Communities. No worries..just enjoy doing what you want to do,..enjoy delicious meals in lovely dining rooms or cook if you so please. Many of us are compiling lists of really good 55+ retirement communities. Would you share the name of your parent's place.
I've learned Hyatt Classic Residences throughout the country have excellent facilities.. as does the Bishop Gadsden home in Charleston, SC. In Houston, The Birmingham Senior Living, in Austin, Querencia - I LOVE this one. Pronounced Queer ench-e ah.
Jen, leave it to this govt both state and fed to try to contact someone who has no obligations to another to try to collect their back taxes. The cheek never ends does it. Good thing you turned this over to the lawyer..he can tell them they can sue for John's false teeth.
The place mom and dad are in is called The Chesapeake and it's in Newport News, Virginia (Christopher Newport University is just up the road). The provider is Virginia baptist homes, inc. (you wouldn't know it...all denominations are present here, jerwish to baptist). They own and opperate five or six places here in virginia. The address is 955 Harpersville Road Newport News, VA 23601. It's fabulous and I believe they have a website you can go to.
The Chesapeake is LOVELY. http://www.thechesapeake.org/
That's exactly the kind of place I want to find when it's my time to go into assisted living. I love the genteel Southern architecture and the unique ceiling beams bracketed with iron in the main building. These places exist, and just as we do for our loved ones...we need to be zeroing in on places we would like. I used to hear the saying "Be nice to your children, they will select your nursing homes..." and that thought scares me to death. haha. I think I want to do that My OWN self.
Problem is most of those places are way out of my price range. I did get a retirement guide - most are for Portland but there are a few places in Vancouver. It covers services for over 55 group including apartment and assisted living. There are a couple in Vancouver that have activities too, but they run $1000 a month. there are ones without activities and services offered, just for 55 and over that start at $550.
I will explore them as I figure within the next year will be time to move out of the MH and into a house or apartment. If I play it right after his dad's estate is settled, we will have money for an apartment to last many years or buy a small house.
You,,how are you coping now? Have things calmed down? Your trip to visit your parents sounded like heaven and boy did you need it...I hope things are going ok for you and the wolves are staying away.
Oh, mimi... just had to say something on the 'July Check-in' thread about the latest in the mess I'm in. John never paid for our burial plots. Only one was paid and deeded. So embarrasing when I visited the Memorial Park yesturday. All I could do was mutter (obsenities) to my brain. (the other was paid and deeded to some stranger).....YES, though...came home with a good outlook (so far) and a plan to be busy, at least. Lame, I know, but it's the best I can do. Had a WONDERFUL visit with my parents and some family!!! Family and I BOTH needed it. So sad my dad (especially) and mom aren't doing well at all. Even the staff where they live cornered me a couple of times to ask about my dad. I said, "well, he's 83 years old, has pulmonary disease, a huge anurism in his gut, esophogial cancer, rheumatory arthritis......what else do you want to know?" Ya think I answered their questions adequately...and honestly......without giving them cause to place him immediately in "health care"????
....and, looks like I have another e-mail from my lawyer. I'll think about it tomorrow (and read it and rspond to it.....right now, I'm having a nice Chardonnay and going to watch a movie!!) Jen
Jen, I thought you were going to cremate John? If so, you don't need a burial plot. I would pour his ashes to the sharks, maybe your daughter would want them or better yet, send them to the IRS as payment in full.
Oh Charlotte! What an idea!! Oh my.... Jen, who paid for the other plot? Was it John? and if so is the person to whom it is deeded residing in it now? Can you find out when this was done? It may go some to to proving what a sneak he was with money. Anything you can get to use as ammo in your favor.
I am sorry your dad is not doing well. I hope you can keep them out of the NH....
I like BOTH ideas...but youngest called last night and asked for her dads ashes when he departs. Nursing home had left a message on my machine at home (monday) about John's emminent passing (once again). THIS IS THURSDAY. They have my cell phone number. Nope. They called the kids instead. Really has made another mess for me. I'm in the doghouse again...also because I had authorized his movement to the room straight across from the nurses station.
I needed to get the deeds for the burial plots cause I was considering selling them. If we're both going to cremated, why own real estate there? Anyhow, he had defaulted on payment (complete payment) for one of them. Only one is paid and deeded. Geez. All that happened back in '03. Too far back for S.S. or IRS to care.
Just another chaspter in my "handout" I'll write one day!!
Jen, First of all I would go roaring into that NH and see the head kahuna and tell them exactly how you feel about the call which went to your youngest..that you had left the cell NO with them where you could be reached.
Then second, whoever is getting upset because you had the spouse moved to a space nearer the nurses station should be set back on their heels... by what right do they have to gripe about something so inconsequential as having him moved to a location where he can be observed better.
As to disposition of ashes...I think you said once before, that when he is gone, they can have the ashes..and with all the heartache this man has caused you and if, when he is gone, you still feel as you do now, let them have those ashes and let them carry the cost of scattering him wherever he wanted to be scattered..Do the Pontius Pilot thing and wash your hands of it. You have enough to deal with without this and if the kids don't like it too bad. Where have they been during this whole heartbreaking and difficult journey? How much support have they been? Weigh all these aspects and then make your decision.
The plots? Would the cemetery not have a record somewhere of the plot being paid for? I would think that would be all you would need in order to sell it.
Keep us posted. We will be waiting for your handout..
Definitely the cemetery has to have records, for all eternity, about plot ownership, to prevent selling them over and over. This scam was uncovered in a low income area cemetery.. they'd bury someone...and years later (like 30-40) they dig up an old section of the property and resell the plots. Big lawsuits ensued.
I attribute the ashes of a deceased loved one as the remains of his "shoebox". He's somewhere else,...not in the urn. Let whoever wants the ashes have them. Why not???
Yup, I like all of the opinions/advice offered. I found out that what WAS paid on the second plot was eaten up in interest and finance charges. So, that was lost, too. This feels a little bizaar to me at the moment.......I'm sitting in the nursing home by John's bedside keeping vigil....said I wouldn't, but I'm here. Got a call at about noon telling me that he's going to pass soon. Really looks like its true. Two daughters came up from Richmond to be here as well (curious gang...one isn't talking to the other....another won't answer the phone to her sister in L.A. I SWEAR I didn't teach them this behavior!! I'm giving the daughter the ashes. Is it wrong to ask God to take him soon? He is getting morphine every 30-45 minutes. It seems unkind to hope or pray that he should linger any longer like this. I don't know how to feel. A barrage of feelings one after the other. From anger and resentment, mourning what should have been. Wondering how my life may have been if I'd not chosen him for my life-partner. But....I did and here I am. More questions from the lawyer to answer. I'm overwhelmed by worry over the Social Security business that has locked horns with me. Sick worrying over what if he's not approved for Medicaid before he passes (I can't hope that he will be at this point). So, now what? Another e-mail from lawyer this afternoon...I just can't look at it or deal with anymore crap right now. Going to try and get some sleep in this chair in a little while...the kids have gone to a hotel room in town. They say they'll be back in a couple of hours.
Jen, It is not unusual to have these mixed up feelings. When my mom was in her last hours, I could see it coming and as much as I didn't want her to suffer anymore from this disease I also didn't want her to be gone. It is such a terrible tug of war with one's heart. She went very peacefully, Her last breath was like a butterfly lifting gently off a flower...no gasping, no agony just peace on her face and a smile on her lips. John has been a tough customer, perhaps more so in the years he was condemned to have this disease which made his worst habits more pronounced. God knows when HE will grant John that last breath into peace. And you are doing the honorable thing, despite all that has happened to be there so he does not go alone with the risk of no one being with him. In time his suffering will be over and you can start to think about your tomorrow and what you will want to do, where you may want to go. These vultures that seem to surround you ( I don't mean the kids) can't get blood out of a turnip..So in these hours try not to concentrate on that and work on your footing for the most immediate needs which will be dealing with personalities who will all have their own ideas for John's final send off...Your memories are not mostly good, there was a lot of heart ache and more..so you may just have to let the kids decide what to do for a service if any but be clear that if what they want is not especially what you would choose they had better be prepared to manage the costs of the service.
Jen, See if you can step out for a bit..go get a cup of coffee or tea and a bite to eat.Have the kids arrived? You need a bit of respite from vigil. It could just be even though you want to be there to be supportive when John crosses over, perhaps he wants, somewhere in his awareness to do this alone... I took Hospice training some years ago and this was one thing that was touched upon...How often have loved ones felt badly because they were not there when the lo passed over and we were told that in some cases it is the way they want it..so you can be nearby but with a little distance.
Take care of yourself. You still have some trying and stressful days to come.
Mimi, thanks for your insight. It helps me with my feelings of regret that I wasn't with my mother when she died. I had visited her in the hospital in the afternoon, and she died at one in the morning. Your description of your own mother's death is beautiful. Have you thought of writing? They say the Irish have a gift with words.
Well if we don't have the gift of words we do have the gift of gab! LOL I used to do a lot of writing..but it was documents..military douments or updates of orders kind of thing. What I am known for is eulogies..I have sent sympathy notes to friends over the years only to hear them read if not given by me at services from time to time.
I have tried to journal a few times but when I go back and read them it seems to me to be full of gripes about well now I know the cause...AD got into the house. Someone gave me one of the journals where we are to write something good that happens daily and because of what was going on it made me feel like Pollyanna.
Maybe at some time I can put pen to paper and put something down that will be worthy of a booklet or a magazine...but ya gotta have time to do this and right now that is hard to squeeze in to the already day full of obligations. Thanks for the compliment...you made my day.
Jen, you are where you should be...at this time. You will not believe what I am about to say,...you'll say not ever, ever, ever... but I can almost promise you that a year from today, you'll be remembering John MORE from the days when you were in love, happy, traveling and sailing...more than you will be thinking about the John who verbally abused you - created all the SS/Insurance problems. As the months pass, for me...I am surprised to realize that I don't think of my late husband as much as the "man who had Alzheimer's", but rather, I'm remembering him when he was healthy, brilliant, accomplished and loving. The man who died from Alzheimer's was not the same man I married...and thankfully, that man is gradually fading from my memory. I see you now in a foxhole, being shot at from all directions, -- but hopefully, when he dies, many of those gunners will simply fade away... Never to be heard of again. I pray it will be so.
I'm thinking of you.. all of us are. I hope you can feel our spirits around you at this difficult time.
* at 8:15 this evening. my daughter was on the phone with me at the moment of John's passing (she and her sister had to go back to Richmond...JOBS, ya know!). She sang to him and recited scripture to him (I put the phone to his ear) as he disappeared from this film we call "life". I'm going to relax right now, with the cat and hound-dogs.....and take all of this in. It's rather surreal. Now, bracing for the impact in other ways. I'll need your help, probably. Silly creature, me...
The girls went through my house while I was at the nursing home, on their way back to Richmond. They took a ring of John's (that's okay) and I can't find John's Will....the original, not the copies. Also missing (but haven't searched everywhere yet) is an 18k bracelet and necklace my father made for him some years ago. Wonder if I should just "let it go". The two girls know (as of today) that I burned ALL of the pictures, etc, all indications of John, a few weeks ago. I told my daughter it was that or a pistol in the mouth. I coped with my anger, frustration, hopelessness and loneliness that way, that day. I had lost contact with every one of the kids at that point....youngest wasn't speaking...and it was a crisis situation that day. Scarey...even to me. Yes, I said I was ashamed and regreted my action. Tried to make the girls understand my motivations, the dynamics, etc. I must say, the two are handling it very well and promise not to tell the others about my "unfortunate episode".
Thank you for understanding this messed up person and having patience with me. I used to get kicked off the message boards all the time for my honesty and forthrightness. love, Jen
Jen, FYI, there are always TWO ORIGINAL WILLS. The lawyer always keeps ONE in his safe. Just in case you didn't know that. I just had my will re-written, and just as the first time when Foster and I wrote ours when we were married, the lawyer kept a copy with original signature on it for her safe. Don't sweat that.
I'm sorry...and I'm relieved. Now,... just take a deep breath. The next week will be a bit blurry (when you look back).. Just keep still... and let the vortex pass. Accusations?... Threats... try my tact. I gave everyone the name and address of my attorney. I told his son to put it in writing and send it to her.
Take care of yourself, and do your best to stay off the pills. They won't help your mental state when you need to be sharp as a tack.
God Bless you and may you have the peace you have earned and need. It was a trail by fire but you have reached the other side and there is new light shinning and waiting for you.
Go to your profile and add the asterick (star) next to your name... it will stay there on your future emails. Is there anything we can do for you??? Wish I was closer... n
When all the coming events are over I pray that you find peace and sunshine in your life. Nobody deserves it more. Take the high road with the children so that you don't have any regrets.
Somewhere I read that when one is tempted to cry or scream at others, they should (silently) recite the Pledge of allegiance over and over in their mind...
Apparently that works.... I haven't tried it. Let me know if it works, Jen.
Peace, Jen. I appreciate the advice given about dealing with complaints..or any other kinds of troubles that someone may try to cause..write the letter and send it to your lawyer... And also take the high road with the kids.. It has been said, if possible put off making any huge decisions for a year..if there are things around that don't provide good memories now, put them in a box and look at it in a year..then decide...there is no rush or deadline..Keep what makes you happy and let the rest go.
Keep us posted on how you are, We are all here for you... Arms around and XX.
Jen, I'm thinking about you now. Please stay with us. Most of us with "steps'' have had problems, so we understand. Now's the time to really take care of Jen.
Thanks again, everyone. Just wanted to sleep all day, but have to go to the funeral home and tie up the rest of my business there with them. Another long drive. Even though my neighbor hates it...I want to play with the tractor Sunday (day of....rest??), do mindless stuff, or maybe just do the laundry (mindless stuff).
Will your parents come to your home? I know your father is frail, but you do need someone near you who is family and loves you unconditionally. Watch every word around his children... and be at peace knowing the worst is over now. Another wise person in your AD family said that everthing now IS different, and there is no purpose in continuing the fight. RISE ABOVE THEM ALL through this, ... you'll never have to see them again if that is your wish. Nothing binds you together now. When I realized that, I was set free from worrying about my DH's spoiled and bitter children.
Hi, Jen, You sound better this morning, almost rested. Yes get the final funeral home things done, come home, take a nice shower or bubble bath, put on something comfy, fix a nice cool beverage and sit in the shade and enjoy the breezes, smell the fresh air, close your eyes and let your mind drift and just try to relax and let the stresses lift from your shoulders. Turn the phone off or let a trusted friend field calls & take messages if need be. Fussing and arguments are forbidden and anyone who tries to get in your wake should be barred. You need peace and calm, fresh air and freedom. Let tomorrow take care of itself.
I want to thank every one of you who have offered condolences here, and with e-mail. Last night, I had my youngest, Ari, and her 'intended' over for a nice feed...including the crystal and linen napkins! Choice steaks, corn on the cob, salads from the garden (whats left of it in this heat), baked potatoes with all the fixings to put on top. I chatted all the way through thier visit. Kinda hyper. But, that's me, anyway. They were great support. Stayed until late. Daughter called again at about 1:30 a.m. Suddenly, I feel understood by the girls.
By the way, I took my daughter on a "tour" of the house...looking into attic, boxes, closets where I would have stored John's documents, other pictures. WHEW!...looks like I've redeemed myself because we found all the important stuff each one of the kids had asked for...diplomas, notes, etc. I'd already given away all the really important things to each one of them as they expressed interest over the last two years...jewelry, postcards, beautiful writing instruments, watch and fob, bible, family portraits, all that stuff. They did NOT take their dad's gold (thank God...my father had made each link in the chains when he was emersed in his custom jewelry business). But, yes, they said they were tempted, but knew I'd be upset and feel robbed. They HAD looked for our silver service...Reed and Barton (with custom flourishes. Special stuff. Nope, I had to sell that a while ago).
Thank you again. The notes keep pouring in from everyone here. I feel like we'd actually had a real wake and all my friends came. Only thing that was missing was the "food orgy" and party with drink and music...a thing my family does in the Irish tradition of my mother's side. Usually a good time is had by all in the midst of sorrow.
Off to try and do something besides sleep. Have a nice Sunday.
On second thought about activities outdoors today....maybe just sit inside and file away all the papers I have to keep digging out for Social Services. I have an appointment tomorrow....supposedly, with them. I wonder how they qualify a person for Medicaid when they've already passed? Probably not, that's just the way it seems to roll for me. Wonder if I'll have to declare bankruptcy and all that, starting all over again, like a kid with a ruined credit report. Don't know where this will end. Just updating you.
Jen, I was thinking about the medicaid issue when I was talking to someone about the problems we may all face with regard to long term care and being so broke by the end of it all either financially or emotionally and I wondered if this whole messy ordeal for you would just go away. On the other hand, even though he is gone now, the NH may have bills and can you pay those, maybe work something out? You are now embarking on a new chapter and maybe someone has experience with this situation and if now,,here comes the next chapter to your handbook.
I am glad you are on good footing with the girls. They will be a great support if that son of his tries anything. And your evening together last night sounds refreshing. Today just do what you feel up to and don't push yourself to fatigue..your are in a recovery process now both physically and emotionally.
Jen.............please call the SS people and inform them that John passed away. They will need to give you a few weeks ... and then pick up business. Don't go down there. It's too soon. Out of sight is out of mind, and they may just pay what is due and close the file. They were looking at years of committment when they were counting every penny... That's no longer the case. O want you to take care of you. To heck with them. You have nothing that urgent to drag you away from your home right now. nancy