I think most spouses do not want to tell their spouse the truth. In most normal relationships you would be free to express your feelings about an issue to your spouse. The relationship has changed where you do not want to hurt their feelings if the issue is beyond their control, so now you can no longer be truthful, you must lie and decieve your mate to keep from hurting them. This does not feel right, and the one you used to confide in is no longer there. I think they still have the desire to want praise, it is just getting harder to find those opportunities, I know it is hard on the caregiver, but what must it be like to know that you can no longer contribute to the relationship like you did in the past. Hence her statement to me today, that I should put her in a NH and go on with my life, has me wondering if I need to praise her more, for what she still can do.
Bob. I think it comes from an awareness of how much of our life we are giving up for them. I know we have talked over the years if either of us were no longer able to be a part of the marriage like they become with this disease, we would not want the other one to just sit around and wait for us to die. We all know when the reality of it comes, it is not that easy at all - in fact it is extremely difficult if not impossible for probably most. Depending on where they are in this disease, deep down they know they could linger on for years. In fact, I have heard many old folks, folks who are crippled with arthritis, and other diseases, say just what your wife has said. I really do not think any amount of praise would have much effect. It may even do the opposite.
I'm no good at lying, for whatever the purpose. My daughter gets angry with me for how honestly I answer her dad's questions, correct him, etc. She is right on, however. I'm beginning to "get it" myself, lately. When he makes statements about our finances, the farm income, my studio and exhibitions in Santa Fe, NY, D.C. (?), and when he says he'll pay for everything I need, lately I'm trying to just agree. Daughter also suggests I should let him write me checks from a long closed account....she believe's it would help with self-esteem, make him happy. Maybe. Just an effort to make him happier as he faces his final days. He keeps rebounding and it's an emotional whirlwind we're all caught up in.
Also, a couple of years ago when I was going through stuff in the office, trashing old calendars, phone books, things that take up shelf space, I found this....a yellow pages directory with pages turned down, notations made for different nursing homes in our surrounding area. I asked John about that activity and he remembered nothing about making those inquiries, notations. Who knows when he did that or what he must have been thinking at the time. I just remember being shocked.....and realized that he knew more about his illness than I did.....and what would eventually happen.
Jen, when you get to the point that you both are in it is no longer lying.....I call them "therapeutic fiblets".....who is is hurting that you let a dying man think he is still taking care of things? A smile and an agreeable demeanor are all that are necessary...he will feel better and so will you.
It is too late in the game for him to make amends for all the wrongs, so just go with the flow.....it will make your life easier.....and isn't that what is important?