I feel as if all the fibers of my being are ripped from me. I placed my Dh this late morning. He wanted to leave the RCFE around 1 p.m. and I knew that I had to leave because I wouldn't be able to redirect him. Now I got a call from staff, he is agitated, aggressive, and can't be redirected. They are getting a psychiatrist in to evaluate him and drug him. The pain I feel is on the edge of being unbearable. Thinking about my DH and how he is suffering and not understanding why he has to stay there; and for me the empty house. Thinking "what have I done." How have others dealt with this. It seems as if the fibers that hold us together as a couple are being ripped apart. How does one survive this pain. The staff is very caring and helpful it is just so hard to see one's loved-one go through this anxiety and pain of abandonment. Yet, I've been through this pain for years now, myself.
Monika, My heart goes out to you and I will be praying. It is the best thing for both of you. You will get the rest you need and he will be well taken care of. Liken it to when you took you children to school the first day and they fought to come home with you. You knew what was best for them so you walked away. It may not ease the pain but at least you know what is best for your DH.
Monika - my heart goes out to you. I placed my husband almost a year ago and words cannot describe how I felt when I came home. You have not abandoned him. Please do not think that. He may feel abandoned but hopefully he will get over it soon. Give it some time, try to see him often and try to realize that there are medications that can help him be less agitated and aggressive without turning him into a zombie. If the staff is as good as they sound, they will be a great help, both to you and to him. Get some much deserved rest and take things one day at a time. It does get a little easier as time goes by.
going thru the same thing a cpl weeks ago I understand just how you feel,my LO is now at a assisited living home an when an if they can control her desire to "run" she will be moved closer to home,right now she's 60+ miles away so I can't go visit everyday,I call an they tell me she's doind well but its not like having them around 24/7 as it has been for the last few years,I think after the guilt you'll feel relife,its only natural to feel bad but it really is the best thing to happen for the both of you,wishing you the best,just hang in there
Monika, I placed my DH in January. I felt terrible at first and almost wanted to go and bring him back home. He gave them a hard time at first but now he has adjusted. I go to see him three or four times a week. He told his daughter that he loves it there and everybody is so nice. That sure made me feel good.
Monika, I am so sorry you are having to deal with this...it is tough, that is for sure.
For anyone else who is going to have to deal with this I would recommend that you talk to your spouse's physician before you plan to move them and he/she can prescribe something you can have them take for some time before the actual placement...it may make the move a bit easier.
Monika there isnt much I can offer that the others havent said except that whatever the pain you are feeling is for your spouses wellbeing. sacrificing goes hand and hand with our roles are caregivers. we seem to need them at home although we know they will be better off with round the clock care. hopefully he will adjust soon and then you will too divvi
Monika - Usually they adjust, it takes time. I knew I had to place DH, but I kept thinking I'll do it better, I'll bring him home and do this, do that, but I knew I could not. In time, you will both be better off, have some patience, you did the right thing. Yes, I know how much it hurts--I know, we all do. Blessings.
My husband's blood pressure was really high and they were very worried. They called me to get him to ER. Thank god, by the time I got there by 9:45 p.m. he was sleeping. I asked them to re-take the bloodpressure, it was down to normal. It was all stress related. Roaming through my empty, messy house. It will take a while to adjust to not having my DH here. But I can also start relaxing. Now I do think of the times I when he was shadowing me and I wanted some "me" time.
Thank you all for your kind support. It is all in God's hands.
Monica, I woke up this morning in a cold sweat. I can't do this. I can't place him. I just can't. He's content here. Even if he's 'lost' Even if he can't find his room at night and even if he's at risk for getting lost for real..I've looked a number of facilities..Finally have found one that actually seems like it would be a good fit..brand new..small group of residents all about the same stage as DH..they are involved in daily activities of houskeeping chores etc. that are meaningful..DH's doctor is located nearby..It is cheaper than any facility I've seen, thus far. Its not a dedicated Alz.facility but an assisted living with a memory care unit that is so very well done, that it looks nicer than the assisted section. Sounds good, looked good. My children looked and said 'wow'..I put down a deposit thats good for 30 days.. Oh my gosh.. that was two weeks ago.. My time is running out.. I'm not ready. I"M NOT READY. I project all sorts of dreadful outcomes into the actual doing of the 'deed' of placement.
Even so, reading here is so helpful. I thank everyone who is and has experienced this. There is a time to step out and TRUST that this will go well even though there is a knot in my gut. Pepto Bismol is a new friend. But Monica, I agree with the wisdom shared and hope we all find that things go smoother after we get ourselves adjusted. Much good luck to all.
Monica: I had (stress had) to do what you have just done on Feb.10, so I know just how you feel. I am not good enough with words to say something that will comfort you and make it all right, but, I want you to know that my sincere heartfelt wishes are for you and your well being. Also, know that your DH is being well cared for by good people. That helped me a lot.
It takes time for them to adjust but it does happen, i had one day to make my dicision to admit my DH , so glad I didn`t have longer I would have keep him home and that was not where he belonged he was having a fast decline with Vasculer Dementia and passed six months after being placed, he was well cared for and he grew to like all the people there, don`t feel guilty, I did for awhile and it took it`s tole on me, sometimes placement is all you can do.you will be a better caregiver when all the pressure is not on you, I hated my DH at times and all the love came back when I was released from the 24 hr. caregiver. (((((((((HUGS))))))))) Gail
Judy, no one can stand in your shoes for you but it sounds to me like you should do it. I'm sure you had very good reasons for deciding to place him and they haven't changed, have they? If he is content at home he sounds like a type who will adjust and be content in the home you have so carefully chosen for him. When my time comes I hope that I too will have the courage to do it.
My husband is so distressed being at the RCFE. A friend visited him today, and my DH was crying, couldn't understand why he had to be there and said "he can't stand this any more." I had dinner with him there, and then he got very agitated and angry at me, wanting to leave. He feels he is imprisoned. I slipped out of the facility, and had staff give him an Ativan. So hard to see one's spouse suffer so much.
My dearest Monika, I/we understand. Your post is just as my post yesterday. Somehow I hope we get through another horrible part of Alz. My story is your story, I placed my 63 yr old husband 19 days ago. My heart is crying, I have an actual pit in my stomach, I miss my husband so. Will I ever stop crying and being so SAD? Is this the sum of his life- a small "ratty" shared room, after he made such beautiful homes for us? For you Monika, for all before us and after us, I wish for happiness, peace in our lives, and the sadness to be gone forever. Yes, my dear one, I have walked around in a daze and frozen, saying, "What have I done!!" I too have come home to a messy house, all alone, seeing his things everywhere- is this d--- disease universal?? God bless all of us and help us. Monika I am thinking of you- it seems you are alone, but are prayers and understanding are here for you. You can e-mail me if you wish, and I hope you do. My son said that now I can start doing things, but for now I feel I am almost used up, I have no interests right now, I am tired at 59. Again Monika, I am praying for you.
Monika - when I placed my husband, the facility asked that I not visit for a few days to give him time to adjust. I followed their suggestions and he did adjust very well. Friends going to see him this soon may also cause problems. Do they have someone staying with him when he is up or are they just leaving him hanging?
Keep focused on the reasons why you placed him and that will help. Put some of those emotions to good use by cleaning out/up an area that is messy and bothers you. I cleaned out his closet and dresser making room for my clothes. I found out that he had 50 sweaters and realized that he had nothing to talk about when he had complained about "all my clothes".
Try and do something for yourself each day that you have wanted to do but couldn't due to caring for him. Give yourself a gift of seeing a friend or two or meeting them for lunch. Give yourself something else to focus on. You can get through this.
All of you folks express yourselves so very well, but, I would like to comment on:
Marygail*: You expressed my feelings exactly when you said that you "hated" him when you were a 24/7 caregiver and "loved" him after placement. Those are my feelings exactly and it sure does me a lot of good when I see that someone else had them too. Thank You.
Monica: I spent a miserable day yesterday with my DW crying and begging me to take her with me. She doesn't want to go home anymore because I don't think she knows what or where that is/was, but, she wants to 'go' with me.
Like Marygail, you described my feelings and experiences perfectly.
I know now how you ladies know what I am going thru.
Wow! So many similar experiences and emotions. When I place my husband it was Friday. I'm doing a 2-week respite (just so I could deal with it emotionally better), then respite turns to permanent. They have general staff, but no one-on-one. He was so agitated and high blood pressure that the Geriatric Care Manager and Dr. thought to get people to be with him one-on-one. They also said, since we are so close, to visit him daily for about an hour or so. I canceled the evening visits because of his agitation. However, this morning when I saw him at breakfast, he seemed so lost and sad, pepped up when he saw me. I encouraged him to play the piano at the facility. He just composes beautiful music in the spur of the moment. He was happy and so were all the old ladies sitting in the activies room. I slipped out and had a paid-care giver he knew from before hang out with him until 2 p.m.
CKKRam's message could have been my message, too.
I will be able to take him out for walks, coffee, lunch, etc. once he is more stable. They said to wait about 4-5 days.
Hope that can happen and hope he wont' make a fuss getting back to the facility. We'll one day at a time.
Thank you all for sharing your deepest feelings. It helps all of us to share.
Monika: I hope your taking him out works well for both of you. I can't take my DW out at all by myself anymore. It is just almost impossible to get her to go back and I'm just not going to put up with that.
Funny thing tho, she will go back for one of our children or her sister so I always either take one of them with us or have one of them meet us someplace. Then, I excuse myself and let them take her back. That works Ok.
It's been three weeks since I placed my husband. Most of the time he is sleeping and hard to get him to wake up. His gait changed, he leans forward, unsteady and at times shuffles. He still gets aggressive at people at times. He is now in the smaller enclosed ward in the same building. It is much quieter there, although people are more advanced in the disease there. We are trying to just keep him there during the day to see if it makes a difference, before we move him there. A few weeks ago he still had his sense of humor, was more alert and active. People get meds so they can stay in a facility without getting aggressive and agitated, so the facility can keep a person. It is just very hard to get the right amount of meds. I miss him a lot. I get very anxious if I can't visit him in the evening. Hard for me to find joy going out with friends, thinking how much he used to enjoy this restaurant just a few weeks ago. I don't know when this will get better.
Monika -So sorry for all you are going through. I was exactly where you are at almost exactly 1 year ago. I placed my husband on June 29 of last year and part of the reason for placement was that I still work full time and can not afford not to work. I would go to work and drive straight to the nursing home from work so that I could be there in time to feed him his dinner. I did this 7 days a week, sometimes I would go twice on the weekends. His medication stayed pretty much the same since he was agitated here at home before he ever went to placement. Now, a year later, I am just beginning to cut back on the nursing home, but not much. I take 2 evenings a week off, 1 just to rest and another to go to dinner with my brother and his wife. It isn't much, but I am getting there and so will you. Go as often as you want, stay as long as you need to and when you feel the time is right, start cutting back. It will get easier, but maybe not quickly.
I placed my husband last week. It hurts. The social worker, the aides, the nurses, all say he looks for me. BUT, my blood pressure is down a bit. And at last I am getting some sleep. I could deal with the day problems, but I had to have more than 2 or 3 hours of sleep. I hope he adjusts soon.
I am reading Tom DeBaggio's second book. I lived in Arlington, and bought many herbs, etc from him. I know the house and the area he describes.
noahcam2 - It usually works out that way, we have to place them to save ourselves. Your BP is already down, good, and lack of sleep is a serious situation. I know how you feel, it hurts, you will second guess yourself, but truly, you did the right thing for both of you. Those of us who have been there know what it means and we are here to offer our strength and understanding. Blessings.
Noahcam, we're not there yet -- we both sleep well -- but I have often heard that lack of sleep is a primary reason for a caregiver to place a person. I'm sure that I would do it if I wasn't getting enough sleep! He will adjust and you will be able to be there for him.
Noahcam: All of your feelings are normal and to be expected. Having experienced the same thing, I just want to wish you well. Read the following inre my experience in sleeping.
Monika: I don't sleep very well either and it has been since Feb 10. I wake up thinking (maybe sub-consoucily wishing) that she is on her side of the bed. I have never been alone, much less slept by myself, before and I am finding the evening (bed time) and the mornings when she is not there, the hardest. I can stay busy during the day, but the nights are lonely. And, there isn't anything I can do about it.
It helps, I find, to remember that they are getting better care around the clock from a team of professionals than we could give them when we were sick ourselves or overtired.
I placed my husband two weeks ago. I know I can't take him home again. I can't keep him safe. I must keep me safe.
He went to the hospital first, so he arrived at the nursing home with some drugs in him which kept him calm. He actually was smiling when I first saw him and I realized I hadn't seen him smile in months. Two days later they stopped him at the front door (he was on the rehab floor) and moved him immediately to the dementia floor. He spent the next two days pacing and trying to open doors and go into elevators.
I can't bring him home because he is a runner. The fact that he occasionally still tries to run just makes it obvious that I can't bring him home.
I can't bring him home because it takes a whole staff of people to take care of him now. I'm not physically up to doing it alone.
There are time the house is quiet and empty, but I'm being told that I seem so much better. By my podiatrist who said that the stress she always felt while taking care of my feet had to have been caregiver's stress although I'm still having some problems with foot sensitivity. By friends who haven't seen me for 3 weeks and who say that I'm obviously better. I feel better too.
I'm just beginning to sleep normally. I actually woke up at 6:45 this morning and that is a whole lot better than 4 in the morning.
Dean, I know just how you feel, I still sleep on my side of the bed and remember him being on the other side. And, Yes, the evenings are when we're the most lonely. I actually find myself talking out loud to myself once in awhile.
I empathize with you who are placing your spouses and the loniness you feel at nite in bed with out their presence. just moving my DH to a hospital bed out of the marital bed nearly did me in back in january. its still stressful even though hes not far and i can see/hear him. i cant imagine the distress/loss you are feeling. so sorry. divvi
The first few nights I kept flinging an arm over to the other side of the bed. And of course he wasn't there.
Dinner is the hard meal. I think that is when I feel the most alone. But it was also the trigger that started up the worst of the sundowning the last couple of weeks. The hour or two of fighting to keep him from going out a door.
This has been only the 2nd night without my husband here. both nights I keep feeling him move around in the bed. Of course I wake and he's not there. Like a ghost in bed with me.
I, too am having a hard time staying asleep past 4am. Then I am exhausted all day. I force myself to stay up til 10pm. I am just amazed at what a loss I am by myself. I don't want to do ANYTHING but check on him. I dont want to shop, clean, go for a walk, NOTHING.
Yesterday I talked to his sister on the phone and finally had a cry-fest.
You know what...every single small itty bitty step in this disease sucks. I send my compassion to everyone of you and I know you are a group of people that understand without words being expressed.
Patty, back in 1985 we had to put down our two dogs. It was one of the hardest things we have done. It took 5 years for me to no longer hear them coming down the hallway, feel them jumping on the bed or moving my feet around them on the bed. If it was that hard for dogs, I can only imagine how much harder it is with a spouse you treasure and have slept with beside you for years. It surprises me how the little movements they make we feel or are subconsciously aware of. Then when the movement, noise, etc. are gone we are now consciously aware of it missing.
Patty, I've started sleeping later. First to 6 am which meant that I was close to a normal number of hours, and not to nearly 7 am. It took two weeks but it does get better.
I basically hibernated for two weeks as well. But on Friday the couple who always came to visit once a month (my only social contact for a couple of years or more) came just for me. And I went out to lunch with another couple (he is in the early stages of dementia).
And yesterday I called the neighbor that another neighbor tried to put me together with a couple of weeks ago. We went out to lunch and actually were together for close to 4 hours today. A very good match indeed. She has been a widow for a long time, is a hospice volunteer and her mother had dementia. So she gets it. We will see each other again in a week or two. I'm beginning to rebuild my life.
Hibernating. That is a very good word for how I feel. I feel better knowing that it must be normal. I have no interest in anything. As my beloved Mother used to say..This too shall pass.
Starling, I am so happy to read that you are getting out and starting to have a bit of fun....I know it is tough, but you owe it to yourself and everyone else to have the best life you can. Hugs.....
Charlotte and Patty, This brings to mind "silence is deafening". Even though my DH is here with me, when he used to be able to travel, I would notice that under good circumstances.. Now he is here, he does talk but our conversations are not meaningful ones...just sort of that awkward kind of chit chat when you first meed someone new and are trying to figure out WHAT to talk about. So I am not alone in the house but I am alone too...we all are with this.
I placed my husband just over 3 years ago and am just beginning to realize that I can use the whole bed and it really doesn't have a her side/his side anymore. I am still only able to sleep 6-6 1/2 hours - haven't figured out if that is what I really need or if that is as far back as I am going to get. At least the 6 - 6 1/2 is better than the 2-4 I was getting before placement.
Working full time has helped a lot as it provides structure to my life giving me a reason to get up in the morning and get my act together. Of course, I am not allowed to sleep too late as the cats and dogs let me know that it is time to get up too. Funny thing, they didn't have any problem appropriating "his" side of the bed.