Considering I am completely absorbed in care management details, paperwork, and visits with my father at the ALF next door, along with now physical caregiving to my AD husband due to his broken foot, you must wonder how I could possibly be thinking about sex. My mind never shuts off - EVER - so I guess that's how the sex topic snuck in. Anyway, I invite you to log onto the home page - www.thealzheimerspouse.com - and read today's blog. Please post comments and opinions here.
Joan, my DH is 86, 20 yrs older than I am. Before Ad was dxd, he was already having problems with ED. He was given testastarone and that worked for awhile, the pills never worked and so, I was in my late 50's when sex ended. At that time, i was angry, hurt, dispondant, etc, etc. But like grief, you move onto acceptance. now, of course, it's not an issue. but, one night in bed, (I guess he forgot he was impotent), he approached me, like a man, and I admit, he pushed the right buttons. Unfortunately, of course, it got us no where, and I ended up more frustrated than anything. he hasn't done that since. He is loving (when he knows who I am) sweet (sometimes) but really, although, I'm still a woman, there is no desire on my part. It is what it is.
Joan, my DH is now 70, and I am 65. For DH ED was one of the first symptoms of Alzheimer's, several years before diagnosis. Like Chris, I was both hurt and angry. We tried counseling, testosterone, and all of the pills. Nothing helped. It's been hard for me. I agree with you that sex is an important part of a caring relationship. It's just another of the many huge losses costed by this horrible disease.
I am a younger spouse (48) with a youngish (62) AD husband. I cannot tell you with certainty that it will never happen again, but I doubt it. Ability (even with booster Rx) was waning a year or so ago, and after so much decline in personality and function on his part, my partner--the one I desired to do that with--is just not there. To attempt it is to a) invite failure, and b) invite exposing the part of myself that is walled off and feels heartbreak.
But, I am not content with a lack of sex. At all. I think it IS an important and meaningful aspect to a full partnership. I also think it can be viewed as a fun and healthy activity for adults (who are otherwise not committing any sort of betrayal) to engage in. I wish, actually, that I had a friend with benefits, and maybe someday I will. Right now is not yet the time.
Like Chris, Claude was 20 years older than me, and he had ED issues starting in 1991. He was electrocuted at work, his heart was damaged and he had to have open heart surgery. For some reason, ED issues started at that time. The pills didn't work and he refused to try the vacuum thing. For awhile, the desire was there on both our parts, and his inability to maintain an erection was frustrating. As time went on, it became less and less of a problem and by 2005, it was non-existent.
After I left my teenage/20's, sex was never a big thing with me. I enjoyed it when I had it, but cuddling was much more important and enjoyable to me. It was just the "icing on the cake".
I have no desire for it now. Maybe if I meet someone in the future, the desire might come back, but if it doesn't, it won't be a problem.
hmmm no men "speaking up" I shall be the first an probably get stoned for saying it but sex was a big part of our marriage,about 4-5 years ago she "forgot" what it was all about so for that length of time I laid next to her in bed wishing things could go back the way they were,while her body was still 100% the mind was somewhere else I'm sure you all know what I'm talking about,now that she's in assisted living I will make the most of any opportunity,it may not be the right thing to do but being 73 I'm guessing I don't have much longer to enjoy sex an If I'm fortunate enough to find someone thinking the same as me well its katey bar the door,ok let me have I can take it
I am the same age as Don. My DW is mid stage and our sexual relationship, which is not what it was in the past, is alive and well. In time I am sure her ability will go, but as long as she can enjoy it, we will. I am not willing to let that part of my life go unless and until there are no other options.
It is not just about sex. It is the bonding agent that brings and keeps us close.
And, yes ED as been around for a while. There are ways to do good, satisfying sex even with ED. I could draw pictures, but Ill pass!
I am 8 years younger than my wife, What can I say she was Miss La. Tech. Sex has been gone for over a year in our relationship, I would say it is probably more on my part. She has bladder control issues and wears pads that I have to tell hear I smell you at 10 paces honey. That is a huge turn off. I think a friends with benefits might be a solution later when she would not be so aware. I do not think about it very much, but when they start those damn ED commercials at News Time it is hard not to think what is going to waste in Texas.
I suppose I should enter this discussion. Since I developed ED, probably related to the high blood pressure meds, our sex life had changed before she developed AD. We did work out ways to enjoy what we could. Now, although she could still do for me what she did then, she doesn't know what it is all about. Now all I can do is fantasize about it until I, too, forget what it is all about. With my ED, I'm not sure I could function with a "friend with benefits". Since I am almost 79 I suppose I should consider my sex life a thing of the past.
Long ago, in our life BEFORE, I told my DH 2 things. "You can look all you want--just be sure you bring the benefits home." and "I don't share." My Caregiving role began in March 1988, when he had a Mental Breakdown. By mid-1990 sex was a thing of the past. VaD was Dxd in 2006, and now we're in 2010 (he's 67/I'm 61). I believe for me, my rules still apply--I don't expect him to accept fom me behavior I would not accept from him. He's in Stage 6 and on Hospice. Sex was good for us and I miss it, but what I miss more is the companionship, the joking, the laughing, the touching . . . OH, the touching. Just to cuddle and watch a movie, a pat on the shoulder, a hug. Touch Starvation.
Drs. have studied babies and those deprived of touch fail to thrive--fail to grow, fail to develop. The Human Being requires physical contact.
I hope to find at least some, if not all I'm missing, in my AFTER.
I am female GC 72yo. I am happy to see this topic back. I have gone thru stages of anger, resentment and acceptance. No love in our life regarding sex in almost 20 years due to ALL of his health issues and with all the meds he takes, the little blue pill is just not an option.
And he sleeps in his own room since he tried to chop my head off during a bad dream. Even before that, he has shown no interest at all - maybe holding hands at times a couple of times a week - a very quick peck on the cheek or lips. He is high functioning, but I see his regression almost as pre-adolescent in many areas - especially in relating to others. Seems like boys aren't interested in girls around ten years old - so there we go.
I tried the silk nighties, perfume, my advances for about ten years = and it just made it worse. He just isn't interested in sex anymore.
Never thought anything like this would happen to us as we always had a very strong sexual, loving attraction to each other and had a very active sex life. I have hair that is turning grey, joints that hurt and creak, have to use a cane sometimes - but there are still some wild active hormones hollering at me sometimes. Didn't think that happened to old people. Thanks for the honest sharing.
I am a younger spouse,I am nearing 62. My AD husband is 67. We have not had a sexual relationship in about 7 years. He openly flirts with every woman that crosses his path. He even forgets he is married...He once brought a strange woman home from the library. There are no more complements or cuddling, hardly a nice word ever comes out of his mouth for me.We have known each other for 50 plus years. I haven't had anything that even resembles a kiss in 7 years. He has been giving me a peck on the cheek for the past 7 years. He is very argumentive & has tantrums. He threw me & my Shih-Tzu puppy out of the bedroom , because he says we keep him awake. He has totally forgotten that sex is to be enjoyed by both partners. When he wants s-e-x- no matter what I am doing, he will simply tap me on the shoulder & announce that he is going to do his thing..... & would I like to join him??? NO THANK YOU!!! This is after he has cursed me & screamed at me the entire day. Wouldn't that make you eager to share his bed for a few brief moments of no real sex. Today was a gift from GOD. I actually had some peace & quiet for the first time in many many monthes. He totally exhausts me. He sat in his chair watching t.v. & dozing off most of the day. God is good!!! We were so close... I love him & I miss him, but I just can't feel lovingly towards the person he has become. He has had extra marital affairs. While I was having my heart bypass surgery, he was having lunch with a nurses aid from the hospital clinc that he openly flirted with every visit. They were the talk of the hospital. S-E-X-with him? No Thank you.
This is so hard to put into words, but since you brought up the subject of sex, I don't think any couple loved each other more than we did. He was a workaholic and as time went on, as much as he loved me, work came first and I now believe I was a bit prudish, maybe he was, too, and both w/our nose to the grindstone. It was just the time and way we were raised, nothing major but we should have given more thought to our sex life which we just took too much for granted. But something was wrong, it's as if he wasn't 'there,' not only in the bedroom, but in many ways. I almost felt I was living our life for both of us. I dragged him to marriage counselors, he was so resistent, and they said to leave him, but I didn't want to do that, to break up my home, upend our children, I loved him, just couldn't stand to have him touch me at times. Once I told a doc if I never had sex again, it would be just fine. He was always functional, and I too often turned him away. After he retired, things got better for a while and eventually it turned out to be AD and I just felt so bad--for both of us. Sometimes during those yeaars, I would fantasize, I would flirt, but nothing came of any of it, I just loved him--AD and all. I don't know where the hell sex went--or the rest of my life either. Then, when we'd been married 56 yrs & really, for the most part, had a good, if too often AD strained life, and after 10 yrs of my CGing, he died peacefully from AD. So there I was, I don't think I thought much more than to just go on with my life as it was. I had health problems, surgery, I was exhausted--and numb from it all.
If you made a list of all the men I ever knew, the last one on the list from our distant past suddenly came into my life. He was short, balding, too round, not handsome like DH, we had nothing in common, I knew nothing would come of it. For nearly a year we were casual friends, had lunch, he talked about his ex-wife, I talked about DH, compared kids & g'kids, aches & pains, laughed, told each other things we couldn't tell anyone else because we knew it wouldn't go any further, we traveled in different circles. And then the day came, much to our surprise, when we realized we wanted each other. Maybe it's nothing more than two old geezers kidding ourselves, and nothing's wrong with that. We don't exactly 'love' each other, but we have a strong relationship I can't describe, except that a big part is that we come from the same era, don't have to tell him who Benny Goodman was, each enjoy getting old and the personal freedom it's brought to us. In aging, we are so much more easy-going, so much nicer, so much more content, it has to be a blessing. If I could have DH back w/out AD, that's where I'd go, but that will never be. There won't be a marriage or living together, he lives his life as he always did & I live mine. It sounds so silly, almost gross in our society to talk about hormones and old people--but I can do it here. I cannot help but think back to the problems DH and I had and compare. It's all so much easier & casual, there's no marital discord, none of the distressed emotions that too often tied me in knots, made me say and do things I wish I could change--but as God is my witness, I didn't know, I just didn't know. I always tried to control so many things (even AD), and really controlled nothing. If AD taught me anything, I'm glad I've lived long enough to learn to relax & just let most things be.
As with so many discussion threads, each of us must do what each of us must do. In my situation (I'm 63, my wife just turned 64) we have always enjoyed sex as part of a wonderful marriage ... and then earlier this year for a period of several months there was no intimacy. And then, just as if a switch were turned back on, my wife's interest in sex returned. Don't know for how long this time; don't know when my wife will again have no interest in sex. But as others have noted here and elsewhere, the cuddling and hugging and handholding that has never waned and still continues in our relationship is even more special to me now. I will certainly miss sex when it disappears again ... perhaps forever next time ... but I honestly think I will miss the cuddling/hugging/handholding even more when that eventually disappears. That may sound weird to some, but for me I know I'll miss that less intimate but extremely satisfying physical connection more.
I am a much younger spouse, 44. My husband is 57. We always had a pretty good sex life (up and downs but generally good) until about 4-5 years ago. He started having ED issues and got on one of the ED drugs which was awesome. THEN he was diagnosed with younger onset AD 3 years ago. Between the ED, the AD, and all the stress surrounding everything.... last July was the last time we had sex. I simply have no desire anymore. For a while he kept trying but lately he doesn't really try anymore. I feel guilty, but just can't do it. Maybe someday in my AFTER the desire will come back... like Bettyhere, I just feel kind of emotionally numb at the moment. It also makes me wonder if ED is sometimes a precursor to AD???
Oh wow, here goes, We were married at 54/him 49/me. Things were awesome for awhile, then he began to change. I chalked it up to job stress, weight, and any and everything you can think of. It got to the point where I was always the one initiating sex. It was good, not great anymore. Eventually I stopped trying, feeling hurt that he never approached me. By our 2nd anniversary, things were very different, and eventually he began having trouble climaxing and that was frustrating for both of us. Once in a while something crazy would happen in a unusual place :o) That soon stopped as well. Soon he began to slack off on hugs, kisses etc. It's been so long now, I crave being hugged and held. How I would love to once again just be held for an evening, watching tv, by the fire, on the porch swing, snuggled in bed. aghhhhh, I'm just frustrating myself more. Oh well, who knows, I'm 54, maybe there is still hope for me. Right now there is only one man I can imagine holding me, touching me, so time will tell.
Like almost everyone here, ED had been somewhat of a problem before the FTD diagnosis. Menopause had put a damper on my own libido, I didn't have much of a physical need, but I did and still do have an emotional need. I miss the ultimate act of being "one" with each other. When we tried the prescription meds for the ED (they didn't work), my sister thought I was crazy and asked if I wasn't ready to be done with that part of my life. I told her no, I was not ready for that. I wasn't then and I'm not now, but what is, is.
One thing I have learned is that you have to be happy for what you can get. My wife still snuggles up to me when we are watching TV. Today, as we were waiting for the elevator she suddenly looked at me and said "I love you". Even though it was a public hall, we kissed.
What beautiful thoughts and experiences all of you have expressed. Early on, as a result of AD, my DW started pulling away from me and our wonderful sex life which included the cuddling and closeness that had always been an important part of our marriage. I didn't know until later that this was part of the disease. Sure wish I had known then what I know now. It would have made my life much better.
Long story short, I miss the cuddling, kissing, and intimacy more that I could have ever imagined. I am 76 now and have the ED problems, but, the pills work well. At my recent Dr's appointment (a nice lady in her 50's) I told her that after this is over, I want to be able to have intimacy in my life. If the pill no longer works, I will resort to some surgical techniques (I think they call them implants). A beutiful evening with a nice dinner and even a hot tub culminating in intimacy is what dreams are made of.
In the meantime, with my Dr's approval, self stimulation will just have to do. However, she says that it is good to keep the machinery working as well as the desire. Supposedly it gives me a brighter outlook on life and makes me more satisfied with my present circumstances. Maybe so, but, it is still a poor substitute.
TJ if you don't wanna host down there in Texas everyone can come up here to Michigan at least for the next few months because I know I'm not spending another winter here freezin my jewels,somewhere warm here I come
Just thought of something (I think) funny. My DW used the 'headache' excuse when she didn't want to be bothered. She was cute, and very good with it. She didn't over do it and we both knew what it mean't. Sort of a little game we played. But, I can tell you now, that Viagra gives me the worst headache that I could ever imagine. Of course, it was after the deed was done so it was well worth it.
I never shared that information with DW and now it is to late.
We did have a good anniversary. Drove from southern Idaho to north California for a grandsons graduation from Middle School. It was good.
I picked up a friend of a friend at the airport in Idaho the last week. As way of introduction I mentioned that my wife was mid stage AD. He talked about guys who divorce their recently diagnosed wives and dump them in a nursing home. He thought that was pretty evil. I promised him I would not do that. HOWEVER, I added I will not say that at some point I won't find a female friend. Don't have plans, just leaving that door ajar. Whether that included anything sexual is not to worry about right now, but mostly I miss and will continue to miss adult conversations. He did not scold me, but I have a hunch he wanted to!
While we can find some good from hand holding and cuddling and even a bit of "sex" once in a while, I want to build up a bit of a bank account of the stuff. Times are coming when it won't be so easy to say or feel that love. I want to have a bit of excess in my "bank" for that day to remind me of earlier times.
I've come to the conclusion that unless you've walked the walk noone has the right to tell me how to live the few remaining years,months or even days I have left,I havn't had it as bad as some but just living with someone that has this hideous disease can surely take a toll on the spouse,too many "friends" sons an daugthers havn't the foggeist
dean...interesting point you made earlier...about keeping the "machinery working". I haven't had sex in some years...successfully, without tears, etc....but I plan to again one day, when I have a REAL relationship... one day. At my last gyn appt., at the end of my visit, I began to cry and told my (very sweet, young and alarmed female) doc that I was afraid I'd never have intercourse again. Not because of lack of opportunity, but because of, well, physical limitations that non-use of the 'equipment' may have caused. NOT my imagination. Menopause, and the physical things that it causes us women are real....dryness, thinning tissue, restrictive access (ya know, tightness, like a virgin). Then add in all the pshycological mess. She put me on a very low dose of estrogen replacement therapy, gave me some hormonal creme that is used internally....and suggested either dilators (?!) or......something from the toy department of the adult store (!!!!!!). Honest. She discussed the benefits of all of this "therapy" being physical as well as emotional. (I voiced concern that I'd never be able to be stimulated anymore, have any desire). Your body benefits from endorphins...which improves our mental outlook, decreases pain, lots of good stuff. Of course, so does a good laugh, feelings of caring. Anyway, just thought I'd share that my doc actually understood and recommended a "toy", which I named Richard.......(ahem)...which is suppossed to keep me physically health and 'ready' for one day. Hope I didn't offend.
Jen, you are not the only person I have heard of who has gotten that same advice from a doctor. One friend I have calls her "toy" BOB.....for battery operated boyfriend....LOL....!
OMG!! "B.O.B."! I'm just glad my comment didn't elicit a huge, collective "eeewww!" and put an end to the whole thread!!!! And I seem to have a way of doing just that! Thanks!
I didn't find any post here to be offensive, just open and honest. Hell, we are still alive. Many of us are still in the middle of our lives. I am 56 and it has been two years since my wife and I shared sex. I feel like I am in purgatory... can't go back, can't move on.
I understand exactly, I'm 54 and even though I've been a widow for a little over 3 months, I still can't imagine moving forward, even as lonely as I am. This disease just sucks all the normalcy out of you.
I'm (only?) 55...........I dunno, really, what my future holds. I guess that just the fact that we're even still THINKING about sex means we're leaving ourselves open to a life "after" and with that, intimacy. (and, really, no pun was intended, T.J., Thunder, ol don)
ol don, I'm sorry but I couldn't resist. Praying that your tomorrows will be happy. We never know what's around the corner and I have always been an optimistic person and I want to believe in happy endings. So dream on, my friend.
On a serious note, Kathryn has suddenly started wanting sex again but it isn't the same. It's more like it's really not her wanting it but someone else in her body. It's kind of like a child would act (excited) when wanting something while in the store with a parent. As much as I would like to have sex with her I find that I can't bring myself to have it with her under these conditions. I wish I could put this into words better than I am. I hope understand what I am saying. I sure do like sex and like to have it again but I would like to have it the Kathryn that isn't there any more.
I am always careful about writing blogs and posting information about sexual matters, as the discussion can veer off into innappropriate banter. There is nothing wrong with playful innuendo, as long at is through private e-mails, not a public forum such as this one. I have deleted those posts.Thank you for your understanding.
I must admit that my DH's last year we did continue our sex life but not to the extent it had been, between me being exhausted from the juggling full time work/caregiving/his nasty family and then him being more tired and falling asleep when I was 'ready.' One of my fondest memories is that miraculously he did get it up w/o Cialis (WAY better and longer lasting than Viagra) for my bday last fall. After that, even w/Cialis he could not be traditional. However we enjoyed the alternate ways we had before Cialis. The Saturday before he died on Thursday my DH asked to 'get laid'. I complied. Unfortunately he was in too much pain to reciprocate. Now I'm a widow with friends to help with this 'n that...except for sex...and toys only go so far. No solution in site. Totally not at all sure WHAT to do about this. Now I'm under less stress my libido has come back to pre-diagnosis days. Sigh.