When my friends husband had vascular dementia for several years. When he died last year his obituary said he was a retired army officer.The next day she got several calls from people asking if she had any war memorabilia to sell.I couldn'believe it.Has anyone else experienced this?
The man across the street just died from end stage dementia. Within a week the merry widow had purchased a new car, got rid of all his belongings, and has new friends camped out at her house every day. No one was there for her while he was alive. (I was)
I've gotten rid of all remnants of John here. Given away the important stuff to the children. Kind of had a fire in the backyard to get rid of unpleasant memories "my way". Very symbolic. Everyone's situation is different......does that make me greedy or unfeeling? No. Just that no one's been here for me (family) except for two treasured neighbors. Never allowed to have friends. Made a secluded life for myself, training and showing horses (NOT a team sport) and found my artistic side. I'm trying to change all that. Maybe that's why the term "the merry widow". Bless her heart.....maybe her life with that man was crap all that time. Maybe she deserves new things, her own space, friends. I know I do.
As far as the greed issue goes, I was one of those people (but, really, this wasn't greed motivated)!! I met a woman whom I had heard had lost her father (my dentist's wife, actually). Her dad was a noteable artist, sculptor and jewelry designer. Keep in mind that I didn't KNOW her very well and didn't know WHEN her dad had passed. I told my father about him....and the studio full of stuff I understood was still intact. My dad was still doing custum jewelry work and had me ask her if there were any tools, raw metals, stones, casting materials she would sell to him. WOW! I was so stunned and embarrased when she told me that she had only lost her dad six weeks prior!!! OMG!!! I couldn't apologize enough!!! IMAGINE! I just wanted to crawl into a hole and pull a stone over me. I made her cry. So, maybe some of the people that call just don't know how fresh the wounds are?? Just a thought......kinda Polyanna, but a possibility. Jen
Inquries such as this are not always inappropriate. But sensitivty does need to rein.
I have been into collectable for many years and it is too common that the items that were cherished by the deceased are of no interest to the survivors. Sometimes they are quite historical (but not always valuable) and should go to a home where they can be respected, protected and preserved. IF the survivors WANT the items then of course they should keep them!
However disposing of them can be a pain. Identifying, cataloging and advertising is a job. (even Ebay is work!) If an interested party wants to make a deal on items that the survivors might have thrown out anyway then it is like getting free money. Even if the buyers offer a wholesale price, it is because they will be identifying, cataloging and advertising the objects. (Remember not everything is valuable)
Tools? Tools are important and useful only to the person who knows how to use them. If the sruvivors dont know how to use them then they are esentially scrap. Again selling the 'leftovers' for something is always better than getting nothing.
Sometimes if there is a large accumulation just having the buyer haul the things away and clean the place up is worth much more than the proceedes from the sale.
I once bought a pile of old cars and parts from a widow. (I collect old cars) 2 complete parts cars, 3 U-hauls full of "iron" and 4 days of hauling. The price was right but the crafty widow demanded I pay her $500 OVER the agreed on price which I would receive back AFTER everything was gone from the property! (Smart lady) She had been trying to get rid of the stuff for 3-4 years before I came along.
We all know cleaning up and disposing of the deceased's property is part of the grieving process. However it can be a huge physical and emotional hurdle. If somebody comes along to help with this task, it can actually be a godsend.
Good thoughts, m-mman. I've been trying for years to get sons to take their OWN stuff to the homes they now share with their families. They say "Are you in a hurry to get rid of it?" and I say "No"; we have a big house and lots more storage room that they do, and of course they know this. If they won't take their own stuff, how can I expect that they'll want any of ours? 35 years worth of photo's and memorabilia, hundreds of classical music CD's and videos: they won't want it and certainly won't want the hassle of looking through it. I have often resolved to make a project of getting rid of stuff: books, old clothes, Art Nouveau, a cupboard full of "special" New Yorker magazines: but so far have done none of it. Glad I saved some toys, though. Very handy for the grandkids. When they come to visit I borrow from friends who were wiser and saved even more.
For me, ridding my house of "things" has been therapeutic. I feel better without so much clutter. My kids are grown now and have taken all their things some time ago - with my urging. I was not a collector of items but my dh had some. I took stock of things I had and haven't used for years or ever and put them out on a table in the garage for the kids to look over. (many times) They could take what they wanted and the rest went to Goodwill. I also have much more storage than my kids do - but I don't want to keep their stuff for them. Sorry, but I put up with their "stuff" for years while they were growing up and if they don't want it now - they prolly won't ever want it. I have many empty drawers and my basement is practically empty - and I love looking at the empty space.
Actually, now that he has dementia, and is not so interested in tings, I have begun to get rid of stuff. I started in the garage and have filled numerous contractor bags with rusted tools and international coffeee containers which he was always going to separate his nails and screws into. gradually I will have that cleared out. He almost never goes into his 'office' anymore, so that will be my next job. Periodically, I clean out my own kitchen cabinets and clothes closets. I've started getting rid of some of his clothes that no longer fit, or that he just won't be wearing anymore.... sport jackets etc. I just need to get rid of stuff.
I will be joining you ladies in clearing things out if I find a townhouse I like today. My sewing room is probably the worst place but I plan on getting rid of a lot of "stuff" I haven't used for years and quilting books that I never used. I am not a quilter and don't even know why I bought them. I probably had BIG plans at the time. lol.
Chris, I did the same thing.....I started clearing things out long before he died.....it was "stuff" he no longer looked at or for.....work related things that he would never have need for and then his many suits, ties, dress shirts, etc. I found it to be very therapeutic and it seemed to help clear my mind as I cleared clutter and "stuff". I also think it made the final clearing (after his death) so much easier.
Lots of food for good thought here. I am in the start to organize state..I see things DH does not use. There are keepsakes that he values and I do have the people in mind for them as time goes along. I do think we have to come to a place where emotionally we are ready to let these things go to those who will cherish them. And that is the hard part. The things that I do know that came from his family will go to the kids sooner rather than later as I want to be sure they do have them ( if they want them) should anything happen to me. I have things of my own and that is where the hard part is for me as on my side of the family, my family is small, my brother's kids are not only NOT sentimental about things they grew up with in their families but they are rather self centered and tend to think the world revolves around them..so..that is where devoted friends will come into play I think or..just sell it all at some point to those who will love it. That is why I love antique jewelry..it is the workmanship, the care that went into it and knowing once upon a time someone loved it too..I do have a couple of pieces like that and I do have a couple of kids who would quibble about it..so I just tell everyone before I head for heaven I am going to swallow them up and take them with me LOL.
I've gotten rid of more mathematics books than I can count (L. was a mathematician and got a lot of sample books as well as buying a lot) and got money for some. Now I have some fairly valuable books to get rid of and would like to get some idea of how to describe them (very good, fair, etc) but have no idea how to start..
I'm jealous of those of you who have been able to declutter. I seem to be unable to do it. I decide to tackle a closet, throw out three things and put the rest back neatly. (You should see my Mom's house.)
Jeanette - next time you mention to the kids regarding their stuff, when they ask if you are in a hurry to get rid of it tell them YES. It is time they take responsibility for it. It doesn't matter that you have a big house, it is their stuff and they need to be responsible for it.
I've given a few things away that he doesn't even know he had. Silk underwear (still in the packages) to someone who goes to tailgate at football games in the winter, a couple of chef's coats (just found another one). There is a lot more he will never wear, but mostly those are still in the closet.
But I'm aware of a lot more.
Jeanette, I never try to do a whole closet. We moved cross county 6 years ago, and there was a lot of culling back then, so I don't have my daughters stuff in my house anymore. What I do is get rid of just a few things at a time. I make up Goodwill bags only one or two at a time. I put stuff I know I should throw away into a drawer and let it "mature" in there until I can get rid of it. A whole closet would just be impossible.
Last year while my DH seemed to be in a really good mood I mentioned getting rid of a few things. I hit the right chord and our son came over and we hauled boxes and boxes of books and "memorabilia" out of our basement. My husband had shelves of medical books that were outdated and no organization wanted them. It felt so good to know it was one less thing that I would eventually have to dispose of on my own. As for the children's things....when DH and I moved into this house about 10 years ago we packed up everything that was theirs in the van and drove cross country, stopping at each of their homes and deposited their "junk". Figured they had as much room as we did.
Since Jean is now in a NH, I was finally able to get rid of a lot of things. He had so many tools that should go to his son. I got tired of waiting for him to come for them so now his sister had them (they're doing some remodeling and can use them). She knows they belong to her brother but now he'll have to travel 30 miles for them instead of two. I did give him a lot of Jean's family pictures (before we were married) and several mementos.