Now that I'm placing my husband in a few days, I'm feeling so much more love and tenderness towards him, than i've felt in a long time. The sadness keeps flowing from me and is at times unstoppable. We tell each other how much we love each other. I'm saying to myself, that I'm placing my husband just a 2 week respite and then I can decide. Somewhere, he knows that something is changing. No more do I feel that I need to "push" him out the room so I can get some free time to do whatever. No more anger, no need to yell. Just realizing that he is now more important than any of my other activities, and cherishing the days we have until he no longer lives in our house.

Sometimes I feel as if I'm jumping of a cliff. Grieving becomes so very physical. I feel sick to my stomach, feel the beginnings of anxiety and panic, feel resless. I know so many of you are experiencing and have experienced these moments. Yet, nobody can take these feelings away. They are so intense and scary.

When things are easy to handle, I wish so much he could stay here with me. When it gets difficult, or when he is now starting to have lapses in taking care of his toileting issues, I know that it won't get easier. Sometimes so many regrets. He still plays the piano so beautifully and I record some of what he plays, trying to hold on... I wish so much I had done it earlier.

Yet today, when we visited the RCFE, he danced with me and some others, and laughed and had so much fun. I hope that he can adjust, if it brings him joy. Certainly, I can't provide him with stimulation and since I've been crying so much, it is hard for me to do all the fun things at the moment.

This is a special time to cherish. I have to forget his brilliant mind, his love for so many things. Just find his soul again and find ways of relating to him in a different way. Eveny though he might disolve, his Being is always there, and his beautiful soul.







I have to stop myself visiting the past or imagining the future. We had our ups and downs, our times when we were close and then more apart. Times when we hardly really connected. Sometimes I wish I had been a better wife, less critical, more appreciative. Now I feel tenderness, sadness, and love for this man who is disolving into the unknown.

Monika,
My sister in law has been in assisted living situation with many people who have various problems and many with AD. She reads but does not really remember what she was reading. But when asked how she likes her environment she says she does, there are people there to interact with and the food is good and she can sleep when she wishes etc. Her brother takes her out for little outings too and her kids come visit often. She says she likes it there. She enjoys the garden, the hobby room so it well may work out for your LO too. Sometimes I think there are activities that they can be involved with that we just don't have time to include in our heavy days of. caregiving when they are at home. Maybe one way to look at this issue of care outside of our one homes is to think of it a little like kids going to day care..we send them off to an environment where there is more stimulation and at the same time we can get more done at home. With our LOs placement is different but as some have mentioned, we are then free to be with them totally when we visit and at the same time, get things done that we have had to put off for so long because the demands of caring take so much time and energy.
I am not in the position to make this decision yet..and I hope I won't have to do it but if and when DH becomes too much for me alone, I may have no choice and will have to be a peace knowing he will get the best and safest care with the help of others.
It is heart breaking no matter what, however.