Last week I was getting ready for bed an was in the bathroom when I came out wife was no where to be found along with our dog,since it was about 10:30 pm I thought maybe she just let the dog out but when I checked I couldn't see her so I jumped in car an found her a few blocks away trying to get across four lanes of traffic,when she managed to make it I pulled up an tried to get her into car but she kept on walking,we were only about a mile from the township police so I drove there an explained what was happeneing,the officer said lets go find her an off we went,she had traveled another cpl blocks when he spotted her,he got her calmed down an after talking with her called an ambulance who then took her to local ER.After blood work an other tests they gave her a sleeping pill an released her so off we went for home.The next morning I called local Assisted Living place an they invited us for a tour,I got wife to go, an as soon as we walked in a little old lady about 90 started hollaring GET OUT OF HERE,my wife said I'm not that bad am I? I assured her she wasn't an we had interview with the director an made arrangements to place her the following day,when I looked at list of things she needed I saw a few that I would have to get so I told her I was going to store an would be he has all my money an checks an won't give me the keys to the car,I asked who an she said Don,I told her I was Don an right back,up until this time everything was okay,when I returned she was bawling her eyes out,she grabbed me an saidshe stepped back an I'm sure if she would have had a gun she would have taken a shot at me,so the following moring I called the place an said I refuse to drag her there crying an fighting,the sales manager asked if she could come over an talk to LO,I agreed an after about 20 mintues the woman said ok we can go now,off we went to the home,she got setteyed in an I left,about 4 oclock that afternoon the home called an told me they had called 911 as LO had got out an was walking down the street fighting with attendants,police took her back to home an again I left. The following day they called about same time an told me wife was again walking down the road fighting with attendants who where trying to stop her,they again called police an when I got there I tried to calm her down ,she told me she had to get away as the three girls were beating her an her dog with basebaLL bats,this time she had climbed over an 8' stockade fence,got tired of waitng for an ambulance an I took her myself,lucky one of my daugthers who is an RN an has worked at this hospital for 20+ years got us right in,more tests,blood work,then they gave her some very strong meds an after about 30 minutes we took her back to home,tomorrow am I will be there to confront director an sales manager who told me how secure this place was,when I told then she had a violent streak they assured me that as professionals they were trained to handle situations like this,one of the attendants told my daugther that the day she went over the fence that had left her alone to fix dinner,she was supposed to have 24 one on one supervision,also the second shift didn't overlap so she had a whole hour of no supervision,the very worst part was the night before she left she kept playing "I'll never smile again"on the piano,they when she did go she took one piece of sheet music with her an it was "If ever I should leave you"I cried for the memories we had,I cried for the memories we'll never have but I guess I cried the most for her four sons that never had any time for her,when she needed them the most they were to busy with their own lives,how very important they must be that they couldn't be there for her when she need them the most,sorry this is so long but I had to tell someone ,thanks
ol don all I can do is offer you sympathy. I hope with the proper medication your wife will settle in. The facility that took your wife may not be the right place. After too many escapes from a secure facility I had to move my husband to a more secure one-and he still got out several times. You have to walk the facility yourself to judge the security. You would think they know better.
Oh, Don, I am so sorry for this & all that you've gone thru. Your story is all too common, same things happened w/my DH and it doesn't make it any easier to know that you are not alone, but you know you did the best you could as long as you could. Oh, God, yes, cry for all the good memories and the things that never came. We are supposed to do that. If we can't cry now, when can we? Her sons have hurt her, but it's their loss as well. Don't waste emotions on them. For now, your DW may be in the wrong facility, staff can only do so much. My DH escaped, was violent, etc. Eventually he was in a locked-down mental facility, there was no getting out of THAT one, but they adjusted his meds and he was able to return to the care facility. Know that we are with you, we understand. Feel our care and strength. Blessings.
ol don, I am so sorry you had to go through all that but she'll hopefully settle in soon. If not, I agree with bluedaze that you may need to look into a more secure facility. What a difficult time it is for you but be assured I will be praying for you and hope that can come to accept that this is best for both of you. As for your sons - maybe it was too difficult for them to see their mother like that. My sons seem to accept their father's AD but our daughter is really having a hard time accepting that her Dad is as bad as he is. She blamed me for not having infinite patience with him. She's slowly coming to the realization that maybe she was wrong.
Don, thanks for sharing, what a time you are going through. Hope things settle down soon. It's alarming how they can escape from a "secure" facility. My Dh escaped from our house last week and police found him cycling on a four-lane highway (no cyclists allowed). So I started chaining his bike. But a few days later he escaped on foot (I never thought he would, he hates walking) and police brought him home after he had tried to "pay" at a gas station. (He hadn't bought anything and didn't have any money with him.) So now I lock the front door in the evening, which is his restless time. We live and learn. Perhaps your facility still has some learning to do. I find I'm very slow at it.
my dh had a ankle braclet on and when ever he approched a door it mad a pericing noice or elevator, the nurse or anyone near that sound ran like the wind to get him or anyone else trying to escape, I myself had stopped a few escapies from leaving the building, maybe you need to sugest putting something like that on your sweatheart.
the doors are all alarmed,when they ring,attendants rush to the door however because of State Fire Marshall the door must have a 15 second delay at which time it will open,once its open they arn't allowed by state law to force patient back,they walk with them an try to guide them back,it may work for some but if patient is serious about leaving tyhey end up with the situation like LO
ol don, I'm so sorry you have to go thru this horrible experience. You need a more secure facility. You are fortunate that the ALF didn't send her to psych unit in hospital and commit her for 72 hours. That's what happened when my DH escaped from ALF - they called police, refused to take him back into facility, sent him to local hosp psych ward which would not release him to me. Refused to take him back because he was a "flight risk". Clearly the ALF wasn't equipped to deal with DH who was young (58), healthy and capable of physcially escaping their fences, alarms, etc. Like your situation, they cannot force them back inside, so the ALF deals with it by calling the police. It was a nightmare - 3 months in psych hospital and $100K in uncovered medical bills(ins co stated in-patient care wasn't medically necessary) so now we're in debt. I can only tell you I know how emotionally upsetting this situation is for you.
Ol Don: I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I have been missing you along with all of the others.
My DW was somewhat similar to yours when she was last at home and I kept telling her neuro dr how bad it was and he sent her to to a psychiatric hospital for an "evalutaion". She tried everything possible to get out of there, but, it wasn't possible. The took her off of Seroquel and put her on Zypresia (or something like that) and it has helped tremendously. During this time our Daughter picked a facility in Tulsa and I brought her straight from the hospital to the facility. Didn't even go by our house. It is a very secure facility (they call it a 'lockdown') and she has been there since Feb 10.
I have a very good idea of what you are going thru and I just want to wish you the very best (whatever that is). Things will get better, I promise you.
In the meantime, keep letting us know how things are progressing. And take care of yourself.
ol don...I'm so sorry. When I went to Florida to get John, I didn't know what I was bringing home. A handful of trouble that I couldn't contain or manage by myself. My thoughts and prayers are with you, as I know what you are experiencing right now. God by your side. Jen
Ol don, I am so sorry to hear what you are going thru. I am not there yet with my dh but the time is coming and I really hope to not have to make that decision. All I can do is pray for you and that you know you are doing the best you can for your wife. Vent anytime you need to. We all need to feel needed by someone other than the one we are caring for, and we need this board to come to for each other. God Bless you for your love and devotion. Things will work out for the best......
To Ol Don and the rest of you understanding people: As you may know, my DW is also a cancer (recurrence non-hodgkins lymphona) and has to have her blood check every two weeks. Usually I get her sister to go with me to the Lab and then she takes her back to the facility. Today, I wanted to take her by myself (just me and her). I should have known better because she didn't want to go back to the facility. She will go back for her sister or our daughter, but, not for me. She only wants to go where I am going and she created quite a scene in the car and when we arrived.
I won't take her out again by myself.
Also, they have a new lady resident that won't give her car up. She isn't in the lock down and she demanded that her children park the car out front where she can see it. It was Ok for them to take the keys, but, they had to leave the car. It is a beutiful, brand new Lexus and I wouldn't leave it in the parking lot, but, they did. Anyhow, a week ago Sunday, the lady went out and sat down in the drivers seat of the car. It was kind of funny watching the staff trying to get her to get out of that car. Of course, they couldn't do anything but talk and beg and try to bribe. It took them quite a while and they were pretty exasperated by the time it was over.
Just thought that was humorous. The car is still there.
Ol Don: I can't even imagine what you must be going through. My DH isn't far enough along to be placed, but I pray when if the time ever comes my husband and I won't have to go through what you and your wife are going through. I wish you and your wife a peaceful resolution to a difficult time in your lives.
Dean, forgive me, but why is your wife having her blood checked every two weeks when she's resistant to it? I assume you wouldn't do aggressive treatment of cancer if it returned, if she's far enough along to be in a unit...
ol don, so sorry to hear of your difficulties. Certainly this is a good place to share and unburden w/understanding folks. It does seem that if getting meds adjusted doesn't work, another location would be best for all. I'm not at your place yet, and hope it doesn't come, but .... who knows what the future will bring.
Oh Briegull....there you go again being logical! Dean, if you want to continue treatment you have EVERY right to do so...but I am sure her doctor has not initiated a conversation with you regarding her cancer care in view of her dementia. Why put your beloved DW through the blood work. Talk with her doctor re your options. You should not feel guilty to start the dialogue of what is compassionate care.....why prolong her misery. I stress this is for you and your family to decide with your wife's wishes pre dementia as a starting point. Hugs
Hello again. As usual, I didn't explain myself properly. But, when I do, I can get awfully wordy which I try not to do. Anyhow, when my wife was taking chemo, we had a port put in and it got infected. When they removed it, it left a pretty good size blood clot so she has to take Warfarin. Her INR (blood thinness) fluctuates a lot so they check her blood and adjust the dosage of the blook thinner accordingly.
While it is true that we are not going to treat her cancer (we discontinued Rituxan when she went to the facility), we can't ignore her blook thinner and blood counts. She has already had a transfusion since she has been in the facility. It was real difficult on her and me too, but, when your red blood count is so low you just have to try to help her so she will feel better. Bless her heart, the chemo has damaged her bone marrow so it doesn't replenish her blood and that just doesn't seem fair to me. In fact, it's difficult for me to talk about it because it makes me so sad.
This dear woman that I have been married to for 57 years has two incurable diseases and I am going to see that she has the best life that is possible for her remaining days.
Dean, I just re-read my comments and they surely sound insensitive. Didn't mean it that way; just felt bad that your wife had to go through the stress.
Dean, what they are doing for your wife goes under "make her as comfortable as possible" and that makes all of us feel better. This disease takes so much out of us emotionally, physically and financially........
Dean, it isn't fair that you and your wife are having to deal with two diseases. You're doing a wonderful job caring for her and making her life as comfortable as it can be.
Dean and olDon. I'm reading and paying attention. The prospect of DH getting lost and wandering away is one of the most frightening things to me. It can happen here at any time. There is no way to know WHEN. I want to think I'm doing a good job of 'keeping an eye on him' but there are times when I'm not..He could walk the dog and get turned around and be lost i the woods. That is something that is becoming less a farfetched idea and more a certainty. I appreciate the information you have shared about your own experiences..and certainly hope things go better.. I will be praying that when our time comes for placement (if that time comes) my DH will be able to adjust. I'm afraid I'm going to stall and wait until its too late for him to 'bond' with anyone.
hmm,she was transferred to hospital about 35 miles away where they specialize in problems like hers,they will try an get her meds straigthened out an then possibly in a week or two she will be trasferred to local nursing home if they are able to control the violent behavior,thanks for asking 75,these last cpl weeks have my head spinning
Don, Dean - I am so sorry that you have been running into so many difficulties with your spouses. I keep saying that something is "the hardest thing I have ever had to do". With this disease though, something else always seems to come along that becomes "the hardest thing I have every had to do". Somehow we keep managing and getting through "the hardest things'. I know I couldn't have done some of the things I have without the love and support of friends and all that I have learned on this site. He is in stage 7 now, can no longer talk, feed himself or any of the other ADL's and the hardest thing for me now is standing firm on "comfort care only". How he is now is not the way he wanted to live.
LFL after she went over an 8' stockade fence an got out last weekend she was taken to a psych hospital to get her meds straigthened out,saw her yesterday an she seemed fine except the memory thing,today hospital called an they are ready to release her ,the problem is no one in the area will except a "runner",have been on the phone all day,I don't know if I should bring her home an try taking care of her here,its gonna kill us both an me first I think,also I called Brookdale Senior living to get reports of her getting out last week an they told me they only had to make report of last incident even tho 911 was called the first time an police had to pick her up an take her back,I'm fixin to choke someone or something
Ol Don, I would think that there will be at least one facility in your area that will accept runners, and it should be up to the Social Worker at the hospital where your wife is a patient to find such a facility and help you place her. I think that I would enlist the aid of your doctor, too. He will know how the system works. If push comes to shove, refuse to take her home - the hospital can't discharge her onto the street. My concern at this time is for you. Your wife will be taken care of, but unless you drive defensively, you're going to end up paying too high a price physically and emotionally. Tell the powers that be that you have friends in high places who aren't going to let you be pushed around, and I'll start rounding up the posse. We'll start with Divvi as legal council.
75 I talked to lawyer right at 5 oclock,he tried to get ahold of social worker but she had left for the day,not long after LO called an asked me to come to the college an get her,I explained that she was in a hospital but she insisted she had taken some classes this morning,then she got upset an hung up on me after threatening me,does it ever end? If I ever get this straightened around I made a promise to myself an four daugthers that I'm going to do something for ME,maybe just take off an drive,now that I have custody of both ends of the dog she may ride shotgun an to hell with the rest of the world
ol don, you're going to feel a whole lot better once the system kicks in, and your wife is settled in a safe place. You still have to be there for her as her advocate, but at least you won't be under 24-hour-stress, which is a killer. In the meantime, we're all rooting for you both. And for the dog, too, of course. Is it male or female? Or is that not your end to check?
ol don--you said your wife asked you to come to the college to get her when she was really in the hospital--that reminded me, when my husband was attending adult daycare at the beginning, he used to call it "school" and the other participants "kids" (they were far from kids)! The daycare staff said this is common occurrence. A little advice--if she wants to call the hospital "college" -- go along with it. If she says she took classes, say "great"! A little therapeutic fibbing will help her stress level and, in turn, yours. You have enough to deal with, this is an aspect you can control. Think about it, if you were in a psych ward, wouldn't it be more pleasant to believe it was college? I know it would for me.
Ol Don, the hospital she is at should also have a social worker that can help you find a place that will accept her. You put her in a NH for lots of reasons, think twice, three times and a few more about even thinking about taking her back home. If places are not accepting her, the social worker can help you find a place that will accept her.
I agree with mariylninMD - if she thinks she is at a college and happy about it - let her continue to think that.
Ol Don, I am so sorry for all that you are going through!!!! It is awful when we can't "fix" things and make our spouses happy. I agree with Marilyn and Therrja, to let her say she is in college if it makes her happy. You can tell her that her class was cancelled for the day and get around it that way....
Fiblets become a way of life for us to keep them content, because if we keep them content, then they are easier to manage. I definitely would not recommend bringing her home. You will be opening yourself up to more problems. I am hoping a social worker can help you find a place for her.
By the way, how was she able to get out of the facility and get over that 8 foot fence? I think that facility should be held accountable for that! Maybe take her back and watch her more carefully! Like one on one?
I don't see where you answered Mary75's question about the sex of the dog....I am assuming the two halves were put back together properly......<grin>
Ol Don, I agree with the comments above. You cannot care for her at home, so don't even think about it. It is up to the hospital to find a place that will take her. If they can't, she will have to stay in the hospital at nursing home rates. There is no way they can put her out on the street. I remember a time when we had 5 patients in our hospital for several months waiting for a nursing home bed.
Reading along here and thinking too, about how she got herself over that fence. Wow. I'm glad to even think there could be a social worker to provide help. We have found a facility now that might work for DH when its 'time'. I just learned yesterday that he DROVE to the nearby store last week when I left to run an errand. If the store person hadn't mentioned this to our son, we would have never known..Fortunately he got there and back without an accident and without driving off and getting lost. I thought he rode the lawn mower to the store. I decided to steal the keys rather than have the truck 'break' again. He'll be upset over losing the keys and be looking for them. That is better than having him wanting to call mechanics and wreckers and etc. We've already been down that road a few years ago when we were desperately trying to keep him from driving. Since he surrendered his license, he's only violated his 'parole' 3 times that we know of.. The keys are lost now, but if/when the time comes and he is placed, if he can walk or roll or etc..I suspect he will attempt to get over the fence too.
Ol Don: You have some excellent suggestions above. The social worker should be the one you talk to. If you don't have one your doctor should be able to help you. As far as I know, the hospital should have a social worker. Ours e-mails, phones, and sends forms for me to fill out to keep an eye on how I'M doing. You know in your heart you will not be able to take care of her on your own.
transferring this afternoon from hospuital to secure rest home Margarets Meadows they have a web site seems like a nice place,hopefully she'll adjust,I think I'll wait a few days before I visit,the bad thing is its 65 miles away
Old Don, I hope everything goes well for your wife and she settles in without any problem. I would wait a few days too before driving that far. From everything I've read they say it is better to wait a few days to give you LO time to settle in. Maybe you could call before you go to find out how she is doing. Good Luck and God Bless.