Hello to all of my friends whose advice I could not have lived without. I am moved(?) into my new home just two miles from the ALF and I just got my computer working again. I won't bother you with all of the details, but, suffice it to say that this was the most difficult task I have undertaken, or ever will take, and I have never been so lost and lonely in my life.
Many of you can read between the lines and even write the rest of the story, but, I am looking forward to catching up on everyone in the next few days.
Welcome back, Dean. Placing your wife and relocating were difficult things to do, we know. Now, with some time to settle in and get a routine, it will get easier. You know how hard the transitions were from stage to stage. Consider this another. You got through the ones before and you're getting through this one.
Dean, I was hoping you would say "it was a piece of cake". I have been weighing the pros and cons of making a move. I wonder if I could find the energy to do it. Whether I move or stay put it has added some fun planning on what to do. It doesn't take much to entertain me these days. This same routine every day is killing me.
Good to see you posting, Dean. Hope you get settled in nicely and can begin to have the rewarding visits with DW as some others are experiencing after placement.
Dean, I can imagine how difficult it was/is. It would be difficult for anyone. I hope things smooth out and you will be satisfied, even happy, in your new location.
Hi Dean, I'm right here with you. I just put my DH in an assisted living home two hours away. This is day five and I'm going back to see him today again. I have projects galore to work on and invites from friends to come hang out and all I can do is bump around this house going from thing to thing, accomplishing nothing. I'm waffling, wanting to bring him back home but I already helped the gal I had hired to find a new job so she wouldn't be able to come back to work for me. I'm lonely, sad, depressed, and lost, too. The dog is also. I'm praying for strength for all of us.
Dean, I know you made the move because you couldn't take care of her alone, and your children asked you to come near them. And to make that move took a lot of courage, and to see your wife placed was so hard. I know that establishing a new life and routine is going to be very hard. We are here to give you hugs and listen. Please know that sometimes the hardest things are the best things. I can't tell you it will get easier, or better, but it will be doable and hopefully a life you can have pleasure in. As one of the spouses said the other day - we need to make a journal - a list of what we do have to be happy about: being alive, having a place to live, food to eat, children (and/or grandchildren), a pleasant walk, a good book... etc. Just add to it and when you get to feeling low, look at your list. I hope this helps! (((((((HUGS)))))))) We miss you in Arkansas!!! I wish I had known it before you moved!
Jules, please keep posting on how you feel, so that when we place our spouses, we'll know that our thoughts and actions are normal for having placed them. It is so hard to do that most of us wait too long to do it. My prayers are with you. (((((HUGS))))
Welcome back, Dean and Jules. Please keep posting and let us know how you are getting on. Placement is something I think about every day (as something that may happen in the hopefully far future) so it is good to hear from those who have done it.
Dean that was a tremendous feat placing DW and moving to a new city. i am sure with time the move will be productive for you and your extended family. DW will adjust and now you have free time to make a new list of personal goals and can still be the advocate for your DW. its good to see you post again.
Jules. how very hard it must be the first few wks of placement. i feel for you and know you are going thru a rough patch as many before you. having lost your aide may be a good thing as it will keep the waffling to a minimum. i hope your DH settles in soon. divvi
Welcome back Dean & Jules! Remember that we are here to lean on whenever you need. I proud of you both for doing what is best. Keep posting, you'll feel better by talking, venting or whatever. Arms around, Susan
There must be a difference in ALF's. When my borther (Parkinson's) moved into an ALF, he had a one bedroom apartment and he and his wife both moved in. She still had the major part in caring for him, but had assistance close by when need and also meals when desired. When he died a year ago, she elected to keep the apartment and still lives there although her health is reasonably good.
Age may make a difference. They were both in their mid-seventies.
Yes, Dean and Jules, and all the others who have recently made the painful decision for placement, please keep coming here and sharing. It will be beneficial for all of us to read. Just today had discussion with stepson and explained my goal of moving DH within a year. He and I will be consulting elder law atty on how to proceed with guardianship as that is the only way we will be able to do this. I have become worried enough about my own mental and physical health that I made the decision. That was the easy part. Now I just have to follow through which will be most difficult.
Weejun, nice to hear from you. You are doing all the right things. Follow thru is hard, but as we all have said so many times before, you can't take care of him, if you don't take care of you. Arms around, my friend, S
I just got back from the 4 hour round trip to see DH and he is more mellow and happy than I have seen him in a long time. I guess that makes it a good decision. But I'm still sad and lonely and miss him terribly. Bummer. All things in the fullness of time. We all here have a hard hard job with this disease and I'm praying for all of us.
Thanks for your comments, concerns and welcome back. Yes, you are right. I have accomplished what I know had to be done. But, the end result is sure different that what I had envisioned. For example, I thought that I would be glad to have DW out of the house. Maybe some peace and quiet. So, why do I want to bring her back home? As bad as it was, why do I miss her so much?
Also, there was no way I could anticipate being alone. I don't like it and I don't like to even go see our children without my wife. The children have been great and they invite me to go to dinner with them, etc. But, it is sure different and I don't like to go w/out my wife.
I think the biggest thing is sleeping alone. I was so used to reaching over and checking on her during the night and checking to see if she was allright the first thing when I woke up. I still find myself starting to do it and then realizing that she isn't there.
New house. New Life. Alone. This disease is as terrible as you describe it.
Dean, I know exactly how you feel. Mine has been in a NH since mid Januaary. I go to see him three or four times a week but it's so lonely in the evenings. And sleeping alone is also the"pits". Doesn't seem right for that side of the bed to be empty. At first, I wanted to bring him back home but talked myself out of it. He has adjusted now and we are so happy to see each other. We don't alway have to talk. Sometimes we just sit and hold hands. They were having a small cookout today at our clubhouse. I didn't go as I knew it would be all couples. I promise you tho, things will get better for you. I'm still lonesome without him. Don't know if that will ever go away. At least, we're still able to go see them.
Dear Friends: It sure helps to be reminded that others understand what you are feeling and going thru. As some of you know, my wife and married soon out of high school so I have never been alone in my life. Maybe that is the reason I don't like it. When my DW entered the hospital on Jan 28, I started sleeping in the spare bedroom and never slept in our K/size bed or bedroom again. Gave all of the bedroom furniture to our Grandson and his family.
Also, my DW had a little dog named Missy (dachsund) and after she left, me and that little dog got real close. She was used to sleeping in our bed any how so we just kinda of comforted each other. A few weeks ago, she got hit by a car and it broke her back leg. The vet said that he could operate and possibly save her but my DW was already in a facility 300 miles away and I was trying to sell our house by myself and move, so I just had her put to sleep. I didn't want to lose that little dog and I really miss her. She was a lot of comfort.
Oh well, sorry to have a down posting, but Thanks again for listening.
PS. My DW doesn't know that the little dog got killed and occasionally she will ask about her. I just tell her that she is Ok and leave it at that. So far, it works. PS2: I am going to get me another little dog.
Dean, I also know how you feel. I placed my husband March 6th, thankfully, the Assisted Living Facility is only about 5 blocks from my house...I visited every day. However, he has been in a behavior hospital for 2 weeks, while trying to adjust his meds for combativeness, which is 1 hour away. I also married basically out of high school, never been on my own. I have slept on the couch since he left, for some reason I cannot sleep in either our room or the extra bedroom. Maybe some day
If memory serves me right, the majority of us have been married since shortly out of high school or college. I was year out of high school - went from home to marriage. My hb went from home to Navy to marriage.
I was an old maid (28) and DH was 33. Back in those days most of my friends married right out of high school. I was out on my own at 18 working and supporting myself. I wasn't really sure I wanted to get married and give up my freedom but it has been a happy 54 years June 21st. I have laughed a lot over the years about him playing the juke box at a little cafe on the way to Gatlinburg and the first song he played was "Standing on the Corner Watching All the Girls Go by"
Gatlinburg - beautiful town. Bama - I was going to say I envy you having been on your own and knowing what it is like, but after 54 years I doubt being alone will be any different than those of us that got married young.
Charlotte, Gatlinburg was a stop on the way to Kansas City to a Jaycee Convention. A lot of our friends made the trip also. If there are any former Jaycees on this site they know what a wild party that was. This little ole small town girl really had a good time. The newspaper had a cartoon showing a man sticking his head out of a manhole saying "Are they gone yet?" Over the years we have visited Gatlinburg a lot of times. I love the mountains as well as the beach. If I do make it through this journey I just hope I can find enough energy to make a new life. I did promise Jen I'd visit her and Mary said she would stop in Alabama on her way to Florida. All of you come visit, I'll make some sweet tea.
Dean, my heart just broke when I read about your little doxie..I have one, longhaired, that my dearly departed husband and I picked from a litter about 2-1/2 years ago. At that time, I guess we really didn't know, or want to know, what lied ahead. That darling dachshund has been my main support in getting through this, sleeps with me, and comforts me so much. My hubby loved him so very much and got to visit him many times in the care centers. His repeated words to me were to find someone to take care of me and the dog.(how I wish I could!).He never remembered his name. He left us on March 20th, and it is just the two of us. Please do get another doxie. They are the sweetest and most loving I could have ever imagined, and I know that you need that comforting love. They just seem to know our pain. Good luck, and go forward, Dean..I know how difficult it is.
Kadee: My DW was in a behavior hospital for two weeks for an 'evaluation' which is med adjustment. They changed some things and it helped her settle down some. It was a good thing. I hope you have the same positive experience. Let us know how he does.
HLK: Thank you for your comments inre the little Doxie. I really got to loving that little dog after my DW went into the hospital and I didn't want to lose her. It couldn't have happened at a more difficult time for me. What I didn't say (I get to wordy sometimes) was the worst part. I was in the front yard and had turned my back. She went in the street, which she never did, and a lady's car hit her. She yelped and I ran out to pick her up and she bit my hand several times real bad. Ended up in the ER after getting her taken care of. Took a long time for my hand to heal. And I didn't need that at that time either.
It helps for people to tell me that they know how difficult it is because I know that they really do. The good folks her aren't just saying something to be nice.
Dean, When you're ready check with the Rescues--there is one for Dachshunds. Many also have special rates for Seniors who want to adopt. I grew up with one, and we had 2, each living over 15 years. My Caregiving began when DH was Dx'd with a Mental Illness in March 1988. My Nixie was 16 months old. She got me through into 2001. We have a Boston Terrier now. He's been ours for 7 of his 9 years. DH often calls him "Dog" or "Chantey"(name of our other Dachshund). OT knows DH means him. Funny. Black and white Boston in no way looks like red Dachshund.
Bama, You brought back some great memories mentioning that song (Standing On the Corner Watching All the Girls Go By). The Four Lads was our favorite singing group. Haven't heard it in a long time. Will have to see if I can download it.