My husband has not known my name for a couple of years because there is no one around who calls me by name. But I now know that he did know who I was. He has begun to ask for his wife and his mommy. He wants to know where the younger I am, I believe. I also think he doesn't see me as his caregiver, but just someone who takes care of him. Since we now have an aide once a week, I think I'm just another caregiver.
He has not asked to "go home" yet.
So how do you handle it when they want to know where their wife is, or their mommy, when you are the wife and he hasn't seen his mother in more than 50 years?
Siem does it every evening, and it is so hard to deal with. I try to tell him we'll go find her tomorrow. I have to make sure his bike is locked up, or off he'll go, on his own. Not on foot, so far, he has never liked to walk and doesn't think of it as an option (so far). I repeat again and again that we have to sleep here tonight, and we'll find her tomorrow. Eventually he says, well let's go to bed then and I take him to the bedroom. In the morning he has forgotten and all is well.
When I tell him that I'm Jeanette and I'm his wife, he laughs a little and admits that I am, but it's never enough. So I don't do that much anymore.
I've tried all the tricks: for instance phoning from the bedroom or from outside, saying I'm coming back soon, and then appearing at the front door. That worked only once. I've tried changing my clothes, that worked once too. or seemed to work. It sometimes works to take him out grocery shopping or on a visit to his brother, but he often starts up again on the way home. So Starling if YOU find a solution, let me know!
Starling, he is seeing "his wife" at the age he presently is - not at the age you both are now. When he asks for his parents, if they are dead, you just say "we'll go see them later" or "they are not at home now" and try to turn the conversation around. I've been told by many that if you tell them they are dead, they feel the immediate grief all over again, because they don't remember them dying.
As for going home, "tomorrow" and tomorrow never comes...some say going home is to their childhood home, some think it means the home they had at the age they are now (30, 20, their teens or their youth).
Somehow I knew what to do about the desire to find their parents or their home, but he just asked for "the missis" which is one of his names for me (and has been for a long time). I guess she is going to be doing a lot of "shopping" in the future. Or "traveling".
He just asked how I got here. I told him I walked, which I did, but from another room.
My DH has said several times, "I am not going to be here long"...I usually answer "me neither" and drop the subject. He said it again last night and I wondered if he thought he was going to die. So I ask him "where are you going?" His answer to Cullman which is where we are living. So much for what I thought he was saying. Sometimes I think he knows me but not very often. He does know I look after him and is very dependent on me. I had a sitter yesterday and she said he was searching for me all the time I was gone.
The worse is when they are looking for you. My DH gets very aggitated, because you know, mom, Chris and I are married. we should be together. OK, well , she'll be here tomorrow, when you wake up, and sure enough sometimes she is. or she'll be home when you get home from work (that's day care)... and she is. sometimes. It's just so darn hard.
sorry, I tell my DH that I spoke to his mom and she's fine, probably will see us soon. I do that because he often thinks she's me, so ... i'm afraid if I tell him she died 20 yrs ago, he's lible to think I won't be coming back. i don't mind when he calls me mom, only when he gets so upset looking for me, when I'm right there. I tried telling him who I was once, and that he rememebered. his mom LIED to him, and he didn't trust her anymore. OH, gee, what's next.