It is embarrassing to write this, but I thought somebody else might identify with it.
The other day, in a few moments of relaxing and watching television, flipping through the channels, I came across a romantic movie. In a few minutes, it showed the couple in bed together, and—well, you know what they were doing. I sat there for a minute, thinking—oh…people actually still DO that! It's been so long that I just about forgot that for other people, that's still a part of normal life. An important part, judging by how frequently it's shown or talked about on television.
This is another area where "civilians" just don't understand the many losses of being a caregiver. It's not an area I would ever discuss with friends and family. But it's a loss just the same. The love of my life is now my roommate, not my husband or my lover.
(Watching romantic movies isn't as much fun as it used to be. They always have a happy ending, which is no longer in the realm of possibility for DH and me. Even seeing a couple going out on a romantic date, having dinner or something like that, seems like science fiction now.)
Its been over 5 years for me and that seems like forever. I tried explaning that it was the intimacy not necessarily the sex that I really missed and they didn't get that either.
Special moments in movies often make me cry now.
I don't think a person who is not involved with the disease can really understand all of the different losses that we go through. They just don't have the experiences to understand.
We are so often conflicted in our feelings and the things we say, I am not sure that that doesn't add to the communication/lack of understanding problem.
Yes, there's that. But the ad that always gets me is the elderly couple walking slowly hand in hand as a younger couple passes them & the young woman looks back. I always wanted to grow old together like that. DH didn't ever want to talk about getting old, he always said, 'we're just a couple of punk kids.'
After our parents (if we were lucky) when we lose our life partners it seems there will never be another being who will totally love us without expecting something for it.
The add with the two couples has always made me sad. Joe wouldn't hold hands even when we were punk kids. So I never felt like either of those couples and I've felt envious of both of them.
Yeah, I have trouble with romantic movies...but I still like them and want to watch them. Yes, it sometimes makes me cry. This weekend we saw "Letters to Juliet" in which Vanessa Redgrave plays a grandmother who, at the end, is reunited with a long-lost love. That was kind of a nice idea.
Those have always been my DW favorite movies. We still watch them. Makes her feel good, makes me feel... good too. I tear up more then I have before, and I'm a guy.
Jan, we have not been sexually active since maybe the early 90s - been so long can't remember. We tried Viagra but that didn't work and he didn't want to pursue it any further. I always blamed it on the weight I had put on except back then I was still slim compared to now.
Somewhere there is a thread that we discussed how many suffered ED earlier in their lives. If memory serves me many of our spouses did have ED problems long before any typical AD symptoms showed up.
I love to watch the old movies where going all the way was necking!! I have watch The Young and Restless since it first began. Like soap operas, the scenes are so staged in the movies that it is the music that effects one emotionally not the actual 'love making' - IMO. I do love a lot of the Hallmark channel moves cause even though they may be love stories, there is a lot more depth than in most blockbuster movies. I will be waiting for 'Letters to Juliet' to make it to TV as I don't go to movie theaters very often. (maybe once ever 5 years)
Charlotte...reading all this made me think about "love stuff"....Its been YEARS, too, here. John tried all the drugs, but didn't help. He began telling me it was because of ME! Total meltdown into tears, then never interested any more (ME, not him). I've found out since, that there's a device that is something like a vaccum pump! Works without drugs, or stimulation! No surgery, nothing. Man, have I ever been undereducated! Now, I have no one to try this out on.......hey, maybe I'll find someone who wouldn't NEED one of those things!! Just a ME!!!!!!! Yeh?
Jan, go back and look for the thread on "What I Miss" you'll fit right in. Arms around, S
Tomorrow (Wed) is Jim's 63rd birthday. His first in Heaven. I was "lucky" his body gave out before his mind. I wrote to him. I feel the pull, to share it.
I miss you Jim, who will I be my true, silly self with? Who will I drag along on all my whimsical adventures? Who willl be my voice of reason? Who will I tell my spontaeous revelations to! Who will help me analyze all my troubles? You always knew just the right thing to say to make me smile. Who else could love me like you did, just the way I am. You were all to me, my husband, my soul mate, my very best friend. Happy Birthday in Heaven. I love you.
How about all those ads for The Villages...all those folks socializing, playing golf, swimming,..... Even the TV ads for that stuff for ED, or how about Sandals where the couples are at the beach..even TV ads remind us of what we have or are losing.....
Susan, I sat here and cried when I read what you wrote for your husband. He was a lucky man to have you and I can "hear" how fortunate you feel to have had Jim as your husband. Peace for you tomorrow...
I'm with all of you that feel sad seeing the two couples. My DH and I always held hands. Still do, only now it is a must so I can keep him with me. He was always the loving one, the affectionate one, the one who came towards me with arms open wide just to hug...always took care of me. He has always called me "love" ...that was MY name. Everyone else calls me by my given name!!! Anyone else need a tissue?
Over the last year, my DH couldn't enjoy watching "complicated shows" so we wound up watching a lot of HGTV (remodeling), Food Network (cooking contests - he even dreamed I made one of those cakes once), and Style (yes ... the Clean House and how you dress shows). So many of the shows made me sad to watch - especially the "empty nest couples" looking for a vacation spot. Bam! That was a sucker punch every time - even though we didn't have that kind of money, it is the idea.
On a very practical note, and this is something I would not say in any other forum, but even though romance is very important, sex fulfills a natural, physical need that, when met, releases critical chemicals in the brain. I am not saying "go have an affair" or anything like that. I am simply acknowledging there are physical needs that cannot, or should not, be ignored. There are alternative ways to meet the physical need and stores that have stuff to help (I don't mean movies, though that may work for some people). When I first went into one (that took me a while), I felt odd, but I am human and I have needs and I have morals (so an affair was out of the question while my DH was alive and one night stands are out of the question - even that would be too much of an emotional commitment for me - in any other place with any other group that might come across as shallow, but I know you understand what it feels like to be totally emotionally drained) ... something has to give. I just know that I am human and, until Jesus calls me home, I have a physical body that needs food, water, exercise, clothing, and other basics that must be taken care of for me to be actually taking care of myself. Often, I don't feel like eating, I don't feel like drinking water, and I really don't feel like exercising, but I am trying to do all of those and other things to take care of my body. I hope I have not offended anyone by being so blunt (though I have tried not to be explicit or inappropriate), but I feel compelled to say something because it is still in the "taboo" of things we are "not supposed to talk about" that really really must be discussed at some level.
Charlotte, now that you mention it, DH did have ED before AD became apparent. At the time. I thought it was due to his blood pressure medication. He has had high blood pressure for more than 20 years and a heart attack in 1982. Now, I believe all this factors into the AD.
maryd, I agree with you. Our story sounds the same. Do you realize that 1982 was 28 years ago? That is a very long time we have been dealing with this!
I would like a male friend with no benefits. The companionship you get from the opposite sex is different. It is much for fun to travel and go to dinner with men than it is with "the girls"; I would even cook part of the time. My husband is in a memory care facility and I live in a small community so I would be gossiped about if I were seen in the company of a man, even if it were nothing more than dinner. They just don't get it and they are the same people that offered to help until I asked and then they were too busy. Why would I want to go to dinner with them?
You're looking at gossip all wrong, Del. Let them say what they will--make them jealous. Why should you give up any type of relationship just because people will talk? They have their lives, you have yours. If it happens, hold you head high. And, yes, I agree being with a man for dinner is much different than being with other women.
Maybe with the right understanding "friend", I wouldn't care what people think. It seems like it would be more difficult to widen ones social circle being the object of the local gossip chain. It all goes back to the lack of understanding the Alz situation in general and specifically in marriage.
I, too, prefer the company of men rather than women. Always have, even since I was a child. Wanted to be one of the boys then, and still do. I go out whenever I have the opportunity (with a couple of fellas) to have dinner, see a show, watch a movie here. I cook sometimes (I'm a GREAT cook!). LET THEM TALK. They do here, too. The people who CARE about me don't 'cause they understand. I have limits I set right up front and the guys respect me for it or they wouldn't keep coming around (or, I'm just a good cook). Anyhow, I wouldn't worry about the busy-bodies. I didn't ALWAYS feel this way. I was always so uptight in the past about what others would think about EVERYTHING. Now, I don't give a.....well, I just don't care. Even my parents encourage me to get out with this or that person. GET OUT!! You'll enjoy yourself so much. I consider it part of my "health care".
I quit caring a long time ago what people thought. Let them walk in my shoes for 24 hrs and then come talk to me. We live in a small town and a gentlemen lost his wife to ms in Jan. I have somehow become his best friend. He visits quite often and talks alot about his wife. At first I felt funny having him in my home but it is so nice to sit and talk to someone at the end of a long day who is able to talk back. He often visits with my dh also. As this disease takes over my life more and more everyday, I'm going to do what I need to do, so I can care for my husband with a healthy and positive attitude.