Even with all of the diversion that caring neighbors and parents have provided lately, gloom weighs heavily around me. Social Services is making my life harder and harder with thier demands for financial information (some of it I don't even have, never knew about). Getting John qualified for Medicaid in this state is uncommonly difficult, or is it just me? Having to provide and prove anything and everything from five years ago till now. Unbelievable. I've spoken about all of this often. Too often. I'm beginning to question whether or not I'll actually still be allowed to keep my farm, even though it has been paid for (and everything on it). You see, I thought all those questions had been answered, but nothing has gone as I was told. I was supposed to be the recipient of John's Social Security and Disability, too.....nope. Not a dime do I see. I belch worries continually here and know it makes everyone sick. Really gets bad on the weekends when there is no "official" listening post available (my lawyer or his assistant.....and the meter is always running when I phone or fax one of them).

This past week when I was with my parents, I talked with them about what I'm planning for my future (like I really have one) when all of this is over and my "DH" (yeah, right) goes on to the "other side", hopefully BEFORE ME. (1)...I need an education of some sort (2).....remove my own horses from here with the exception of one pony I can teach lessons with (3)....Let pastures heal, make repairs to barn as needed and get some good boarders into my barn, offer 'ground training' (INCOME!!) (4)....Angus or Limousine beef cattle (INCOME!) (5)...WORK IN MY STUDIO!!! (THE income!!) (6)....Write? About what I know about, for art publications?

Lots of other stuff that will come as I can get to it and am able financially and physically.....hopefully including finding a relationship (the correct one this time) one day. But, the one thing we talked about at length is this: I WANT VERY MUCH TO CHANGE MY NAME. I want to go back to my own maiden name, Miller. I have no relationship any longer with his family, even the daughter we had together. She is too old to be considered going through some sort of resentful, moody 'phase' with me. She identifies and allies herself with John's other children. She has estranged herself completely from her grandparents (for several years now) as well as from me. It shouldn't bother her that we don't share the same last name any longer.....and she wouldn't even know. The family name I came into the world with has remained honorable and given me strength. I'm proud to be identified as part of that family. I have become ashamed of this one. I even want to apply for a new social security number. Start my life new, whatever its going to be like. I just don't want to be part of John's nest of hornets any longer.

Am I alone in that kind of thinking (keep in mind I DID NOT have a happy, happy family within this marriage)? Has anyone else thought of taking such action? AND, I doubt I would ever consent to taking anyone else's name, either.

Jen, you can go change your name anytime you want. I plan on doing that after he dies. On Facebook I am listed with my maiden and married name for two reasons: high school friends will know it is me and I have never felt like a Lloyd. I have always been a Box at heart. My mom and oldest sister always talked about taking back their maiden names but neither did/has.

If Virginia is a community property state and there was no prenup, I would assume you will always be linked to his financials. Short of going into a witness protection program I doubt you can get a new social security number.

Right now you are stuck in limbo like the rest of us. You can only move forward so far. For you Medicaid has made it even more difficult for you (like extremely). I can not imagine not knowing about financials as I have always handled it. My assumption is Medicaid is trying to figure out how a doctor, who usually makes very good money during their careers, can be so poor. They are probably trying to prove you spent all his money since he has been sick and wants that money back or sell your home to recover it. It appears to me the attorney is not earning his money if he can't get this settled.

How was the nursing home paid for when he was in Florida? Someone had to pay for it.

As has been said before, take a deep breath and take it day by day. You are still trying to recover from your accident and add to it this nightmare with Medicaid. That is more than anyone should have to handle, but you have proven you are a survivor so you will make. You have some good goals for the future, so keep those in mind.

About this medicaid thing..my brother in law is in assisted living because he is an insulin diabetic who is blind and has lost his right leg. A letter came stating something to the effect that when he is older than I think it was 65? should he die, the state would seek to be reminbursed through his estate. If he had a spouse, that would happen after the spouse died.
The state will get it 's pound of flesh one way or the other.
If one has their estate in a trust I don't know how that would work. Mind you I did not see this letter but it has been a subject of discussion in the family.
So as we all go down this path we need to ask lots of questions,

Jen, if worse comes to worse, they could attach a lien to your home so that when you sell or die they will get theirs. But if what others have said, by putting it in your name they can't touch it, then I would just do the best you can and let the lawyers earn their keep.