I lost it yesterday and slapped my DH. How could i do this to someone I love, not to mention, to someone who is ill? Yes, I was hot, tired, and frustrated but that's no excuse and the minute I did it the shame and guilt was overwhelming. I know God will forgive me but I'm struggling to forgive myself. This horrific disease has not only claimed my husband but it has changed me into someone I hardly recognize anymore as well. May God have mercy on us all.
Patt,ther have been many times that I wanted to just grab my husband and shake him and it gets harder all the time tohave patience.So you lost it,stop kicking yourself in the butt,try to put it behind you.
I saw a post the other day that said Christ found the need to be alone and recharge his battery. Why do we feel guilty about being weak and needing the same refresher?
I can relate, although I haven't slapped my DH. I did lose it last week and posted my "shame" here, but these great people reminded me that we are human. We do get tired. We do lose patience. Although we remember what happened our spouse has already forgotten. Life has to go on..I like the quote about Christ having the need to be alone and recharge His battery. Respite in any form is good! Hang in there!
Patt K. I also lost my patience & slapped my husband once. I was so shocked & ashamed of myself...still working on forgiving myself. I actually fell to the floor screaming & crying for God to help me. Even though my husband was going to Daycare...at night he was belligerent & man handling me, he fought me on everything. Finally, after he grabbed me by the throat...with the look in his eyes that he could kill me, I placed him in the ALF where he went to Daycare. I miss him terribly, however, the hate that I was beginning to feel for him, has turned back to love. As others have mentioned, you are human. Please try to forgive yourself.
Sometimes I lose my way and get wrapped up in self-pity. I hunger for faith, feel lost and lonely with doubt. I hate wasting that energy when I need it for so many other things.I ask God to strengthen my wavering spirit and guide me through this darkness. I do know He forgives me and offers me his strength and courage in every frightening situation. And so I will press on-trying to see beyond the events that surround me and trusting in his love to guide me through. If I start to feel sorry for myself I need only remember that no one lives in perfection and tomorrow is a new untarnished day! All my DH really needs now is understanding and love and wouldn't it be wonderful if, when I lose my temper, I couldn't find it again?
Patt.....at my house we have what's loving reffered to as the "Great Cheeseburger Throwing Incident" where I lost it with DH at a family dinner and heaved a cheeseburger right at his head. All my grandkids watched in horror as I let loose! I was so ashamed I went running into my bedroom and slammed the door and burst into tears. My dear DIL came in a put her arm around me loving said "It needed to be done, Mom". My point is, we all loose it from time to time. What we do is the most stressful thing a person will ever have to do. Moorsb was right on. Recharge your battery, take a deep breath, and put one foot in front of the other. Unfortunately for us, shame is all part of the emotion that we feel, because there is no manual for what we do. Hang in there....we're all here for you!
Patty, don`t worry I did the same thing to my DH , he was trying to get out of the house on a cold winter day, he keep at it and getting angry with me, I finally had enough and struck him across the face, needless to say he was shocked back to reality in a few mins. and settled down, but lord I was so ashamed of my self and was so guilty, how could I do this to a man who never laid a hand on me, he forgot it right away, I was saying I`m sorry and he didn`t remember it happened so all was forgivin. We all have our breaking points, caregiving is so hard, hang in there . Gail
Many of the older members may recall the time I posted "I SHOT MY HUSBAND". He blocked me inside our walk in closet and (I can't remember exactly why) he was screaming to the top of his voice...Deafening. The only thing I had within reach was a squirt bottle of Fabreeze, and I shot him from top to bottom with that spray. He stopped screaming, I got out of the closet and ..felt so bad afterward. At that particular moment, it was a survival thing!!! I needed to break up that moment...and I didn't have a bucket of water to pour over his head. So, see? We all have done it one time or teh other...the difference between us and them...is we confessed!!!
Thanks. I needed to hear all those confessions. It doesn't make it any easier but its some how comforting to know I'm not the first nor will i certainly be the last to ever go over the edge- grateful to know you all are out there to pull me back!
I "lost it" a few days ago. I didn't strike him, but I said something hurtful. Like you Patt K, I was very ashamed, but at the same time I felt I needed to get something out of my system. When I apologized to him later that day, of course he had no idea what I was apologizing for, but it was right that I said it. We are not perfect. We lose our way, but eventually we find it again. Fortunately, we have such wonderful people here who help us when we need it. At any time, we can say how we feel, what we feel, and we get answers almost instantly. There is always someone here who says just the right thing to make us feel less guilty when we think we're doing something wrong. We are all going through such a difficult time in our lives. None of us expected we would have this horrible disease take over our lives. One of my greatest fears was that I would be diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. Isn't it ironic that my husband got it instead?
Patt K, I too have struck my husband. Actually I was only ashamed for a short-time, but realized I couldn't lose control like that again. It happened when he kept telling me what to do all day. I still harbor angry feelings about his violence towards me before he was diagnosed. I'm not sure I will ever forgive him for his refusal to admit something was wrong and physically beating me before he was put on meds.
Patt -I think a wrote your exact same post about a year ago or so. I slapped my husband and it wasn't a slap on the wrist. I slapped his face and I slapped him hard. I don't even have excuse that he was trying to do something that would hurt him or that I felt physically threatened. I was simply worn out and exhaused from being up day and night and watching him pace and pace and pace. I was begging him to sit down and he would not and I slapped him. I am ashamed, I am sorry, I wish it had never happened. But it did. It did make me realize that the time for placement had come and for his sake and for my own, I did just that. Don't beat yourself up any more. Just try to get past it and move on.
When I was doing home health nursing I had a very difficult patient ( actually quite a few). The woman was bed bound and her elderly husband provided just about total care. During a visit I noticed bruising on the top of her hands. I suggested padding the bed rails and the husband started to cry and look afraid of ME. She was fighting him tooth and nail during diaper changes and he slapped her hands away so he could do the job. That was long before I knew the joys of total caregiving. Thank goodness I put my arms around the poor man and let him cry. Reassured him that he was not an evil person. Next visit he had picked a lovely gardenia from his garden for me.
When I lose it - with me it's screaming at him - I know it's time for 'ME TIME'. Respite. Even if it's just a couple of hours. If your husband cannot stay alone, get someone, even if you have to pay for it, to stay with him, and get away for awhile.
One time, during our worst experience so far, I was so upset, and had done so much screaming at him, that I left the house, went to a little park near us, sat by the water with my head in my hands, and stayed that way for 2 hours until I calmed down.
However, I would suggest if you find yourself lashing out physically more than a "one time lose it" situation, that you contact a social worker to help you figure out how to keep both of you safe.
There was a very difficult patient on one of the floors in my husband's facility. He was "misbehaving very badly". The nurse on duty at the time looked at him and in a very stern voice told him that he was going into timeout. She took him to a quiet corner and gave him a magazine to look at. He was there for about 30 minutes or so but he calmed down and was much better behaved after that.
While our spouses are not really children, I noticed that sometimes I could use the same techniques that I would use with children on my husband and get good results.
And yes, while I never struck my husband, I was often very tempted and certainly did my share of yelling at him.