You can't imagine what this whole week has been like for me. A lot on my plate. I'm visiting with my parents this week, south of where I live. They aren't in the best of health, and I love them so much. Can't imagine loosing them with John's demise close behind. Everything happening all at once. Just thought I'd sum up what I've recently been going through, legally, so those of you who may find yourselves in the same boat may get some insight of what to expect and maybe not "FREAK" like I tend to do without the lawyer beside me to hold my hand.
I got a phone call from the Nursing Home where John has been for the past year (almost). His Medicaid application was filed MONTHS ago. The Powers that Be don't understand that I have no money. No finances on John's part, either. They can't touch my farm, vehicles or equipment. I'm TRYING to sell horses, but there's this thing called "the economy" that is making people here not willing to spend money on show ponies in training!! I'm still injured, facing more surgery, so I'm unemployable.....and, what would I DO, anyway?? Anyhow, I've been put on notice that because I've not been able to pay the nursing home (bills piling up) they are sending out a notice that he will be put out within 30 days. The director wanted to call the rest of the famiy to see if they could help. I told her NOT to do this, they have no financial means, either. Got in touch with my elder law attorney and he tells me they CANNOT turn him out. BUT, told me not to make one utterance that could be interpreted that I am willing to have John back in my care....said they would have him at my door within 24 hours and that would be THAT. He said they were trying to intimidate me at this point.
I swear, I was at my aunt and uncle's home when I got the intimidating, "this is it" call from the NH. I was so wiped out, I couldn't stand up...several people had to pick me off of the ground where I had collapsed. So tired. So sucked dry. I can't be more embarrassed about my situation, how I've allowed myself to be so naive for so many years. Such a failure and embarrassment to my family.
I feel like the only woman in the world that has had to endure this...Medicaid going on and on...harrassement from family members and shunning by our children, the name calling and accusations. They're even angry at me because they spent big bucks on air fares to come immediately to see their dad and he didn't die. They ask, "What were you THINKING???" Has ANYONE had this experience??? I'm exhausted and feel like running away, changing my name (which I WILL when this is over) or just opening an artery once my parents and John are gone. help sooooooo tired
Jen - you are not alone in the hassles you have had to go through. If you were, there would not be all the attorneys out there advertising for clients in the same situation you are in. Listen to your attorney - they are trying to intimidate you hoping you will cough up money to pay his bill. If you did (which I know you can't) it would be more than medicaid would ever pay so it is to their advantage to continue to harass you. If I remember correctly, even if John dies before medicaid approves him they can not take the farm so you need to just keep in mind that if they keep up they will be the ones with 'mud on their faces'.
As for the kids, let them go. We too thought my FIL was finally going to die back in February (I think). My bh's brother got the obituary all ready and was planning the funeral. But, he fooled us. Sometimes, even when they do not seem to be there anymore, there is a will to live somewhere inside. I think we all have known someone that was thought to be on their death bed and still were around months, even years later.
You might even look at it this way: he fooled everyone. And, they did see their dad when he was horrible. Those who saw him in Florida did not see him in the condition he is in now. Point: they will not be able to say "I wanted to remember him the way he was". And since they have been there already they will probably not come back when he does die so you will not have to deal with them as you deal with the loss. You will still go through an array of emotions even though the marriage was not that great.
Home, home, back home again. And felt so refreshed. Nope, not for long. E-mail from lawyer; Social Services asking for even MORE information, some of it I wonder if I can remember or even FIND. I'm an ass, I fear, and not informed at all, apparently. I've tried very hard to put together this financial mess John has left me. They are asking for explainations of certain checks written as far back as four years. Where did cash deposits and check deposits come from (mom and dad and generous neighbors...but will they believe THAT??). Where money was wired to in 2008 (???!!!...BIG bucks! I didn't DO THAT! And, where the hell did it come from??). Verification of the value of my horse trailer, tractor, etc. Hey, there IS NO 'blue book' value for that stuff. If I don't come up with all the correct answers for all thier questions by May 24, John will be denied Medicaid qualification. Help. At this point, I just feel like this is harrasement. All the wind is out of my sails now. I truly feel like just calling it all quits. Over. Done. Gone. Finished. Why'd I ever do this with my life. My own daughter doesn't even want anything to do with me anymore. My neighbors, mother and dad love me. That is ALL that is keeping me on this earth. That and all the work that faces me every day. No bright sky anymore, no hopeful mornings ever again. Just pain (physical and emotional) and disappointment...no future. No "school", no future relationship, no future. If I get through this alive (and I have serious doubts at this point), I will change my name, put my farm up for sale, move and leave no address....apply for a new Social Security number. What's it matter, anyway. What I AM doing is getting my will in order, have all my important documents in order and my taxes are up to date.
Jen, they can take any thing away from you, which you are willing to give them. Do give up your sanity. Try to stop stressing over this, worry about what is to come when it comes todays struggle is enough to keep you busy. This is a big deal and I encourage you not to let take your health.
jen, you parents might have a record of the money they gave you, especially if they paid you by check. In 2008 you did not have John around - his children were his guardians weren't they? they were controlling the money weren't they? Take a deep breath and take it step by step. Neighbors, if they did not keep track, may be able to write a letter and have it notarized stating they helped you out with money. You can only do what you can only do. I am sorry they are making it so hard for you.
I'm so tired. I don't have the documents that S.S. has. And it cost me almost $900 to have the bank get that info for them. God, help. Stupid. Yes, my parents have a record of EVERYTHING! But, I haven't made notes on the 'memo' part of every check I wrote. And, earlier on, all I can say is that I was making transfers from his IRA (like John always did) into the Schwab account to PAY THE %$##^*% BILLS! (I've learned to curse like, well, someone NOT with good upbringing. You should hear.)
I think they should have some kind of financial records at Schwab. And do you think you might have statements from Schwab? There has to be recordings somewhere.
Jen...I went through this last year when qualifing John for Medicaid. So overwhelming. Take a deep breath then put your big girl panties on. You CAN and WILL do this. Medicaid is looking for assets you may be trying to hide from them by transferring them to someone else. Sounds like you're making progress with expensive help from the bank. The money you transferred from the IRA to Schwab to pay bills left a paper trail. Even if you made no memo on the checks they're still made out to someone. If you don't have the canceled checks then go to your checkbook ledger. Make a note of everything you can. That wire transfer could be a problem. Even though you were not in control at the time it is still considered an asset for John. Unless the reciever comes forward and justifies the transfer you may be stuck. Beginning TODAY, don't deposit anything in the bank you don't have to. If family and friends help with bills, this is justifiable. It's up to you to prove the need. If someone gives you even $20 more than you need keep it in the proverbial cookie jar. You have more strength than you know Jen. You've been through so much in the last year or so and yet you still keep keepin on. Come on girlfriend!! You'll get through this. xox cs PS Act as if you're interested in selling your equipment and ask a dealer for an appraisal. Voila
cs - good advice. don't put a penny more in the checking than is needed for bills. Cash any other 'gifts' you may receive - do not deposit. Keep all receipts, even if for a dollar. the bank should be able to tell you who the wire transfer went to and who authorized it. It could have been one of his kids giving themselves a gift.
yes, I've taken to paying cash for everything that I can....getting money orders to pay bills. it's so much trouble. My parents and neighbors are awesome (one paid my real estate taxes for this farm for me today....without question, I find envelopes of cash.....incredible people). Another had some equipment that's gone wrong fixed for me. I don't know how to repay them...and I can NEVER repay my parents for thier generosity. Another neighbor is going to thoroughly entertain me this coming week. Tomorrow, we're going to The Greenbrier for dinner......Next day to Natural Bridge for lunch (and home to my campsite for a fireside chat in th evening and movie on my laptop by the creek (and a bottle of champagne....because we can)....the next day to lunch at The Boar's Head in Charlottesville. I am loved, and I deserve none of this. Saw lawyer and bank reps today in hopes of getting info in order, all the i's dotted, all the t's crossed for social services. Had a dealer valuate my horsetrailer (which was in question with social services...so wierd. Hope to get somewhere with all this. Working on it. God help. Jen