Just thought I'd pass along something I've recently started doing in order to jump start my patience and compassion for my spouse when he (and I) are having a particuarly "bad" day: I count to 10 while envisioning all of the diagrams and autopsy photos I've seen over the years of a brain riddled with AD. My patience returns immediately.
Speaking of counting to ten, have any of the rest of you found that starting to count when you're asking them to do something helps? I'm not talking the threatening "count to ten" we used to do with our kids, I mean Okay, let's sit down now. One, two, three.. etc. Great. Twenty five!!
The other thing I have found that gives me patience is to have my little iTouch with me at all times in my pocket; when he's moving like molasses, I just pull it out and start playing one of the short-term games, solitaire, whatever... I'm concentrating on something else and it calms me down.
The problem here is not that it takes him so long to do something, which it does. The problem is that if I ask him to do something, he is obsessive about finishing what he is doing first. By the time that is done, he has forgotten what I asked him to do in the first place. And I never ask him to do something that needs doing in a hurry.
I know what you mean, Joan. My husband said he was going to wash the kitchen floor today (he said this last week, too, so I didn't get too excited about it). He took the chairs out, has the bucket of water and mop (this was about 2 hours ago) and then went outside to take out the trash. Then he took the time to tear up some boxes, get the mail, read the mail, go outside and water the flowers, and just now came inside. Whether he washes the floor or not, I do not know. It's almost time to make dinner. I'll bet he says "I promise I'll do the floor tomorrow."
The floor was finished at 8 pm. So we had sandwiches for dinner. So what? I got out of cooking dinner! Funny thing, though, after our dinner he asked me if he washed the floor?!!!
Oh.patience,where are you,my lip is bleeding from biting it all the time.My DH who was always early for appointments now cannot be hurried and we're always late.Last week we were late for my dr.app't and had to wait until end of office hrs. to be seen.DH hates to wait,his patience is thin, so maybe thhis will hurry him along next time,IF HE REMEMBERS THE INCIDENT.Right now I'm lucky if his memory is longer than 5 seconds.
There is a thread called Got To Do It Now, which I started way back when this stuff was driving me nuts. I'd put food on the table but he HAD to do a dozen other things before he sat down to eat. Etc.
Part of the solution is to time when you ask for something so he isn't doing something else at the time you ask. Part of the solution is to understand that he isn't going to move quickly to do anything. Part of it is never to ask him to do anything unless he can do it right now because he can't handle more than one direction at a time.
It just is what it is.
All of you are at the stage where you are still expecting some rationality from your spouses. You are all at the stage where they still can do some stuff, but they no longer can remember to do what they promise to do.
And yhouniey, if you need to get to something, it is now YOUR job to leave the house in enough time to get there. I know that is hard after a lifetime of someone else always getting you places early, but that is now over.
I HATE IT when something I've counted on is over. I think all of you need [[[[HUGS]]]].
Have you ever been knitting or doing needlework or some such which requires total concentration, and someone comes along and asks you to shift gears and do something else... and you say "wait till I finish this row (sleeve, whatever) ... Now WHAT is it you want?" Of course you have.
Well, with our spouses, they are aware they're losing it, though they may not admit it. They have to devote far more attention to finishing one thing before starting another and don't want to be distracted by what the next task is. Frankly, this happens to me too and it certainly happened when I was the major support person for computer use of 100 people in an admin building at Brown. It's what post-it notes are for! Right now I have on my left about five notes of stuff I'm supposed to do. And I won't start them until I get through doing some other stuff, because I'll get distracted and screw them up. As Starling says, rationality on their part is GONE. Only too soon, in some respects, you'll be at the point where you get absorbed in something and realize, as I did a minute ago, that you forgot to remove the orange peels after breakfast and that he's been carefully, systematically, consuming them.
I think you basically said all that needs to be said, Starling ... it just is what it is. The obsessiveness at completing that one current task ... the turtle slow movements to complete that task or to get ready to leave the house or whatever ... the constant procrastination when it comes to doing what needs to be done in a timely manner. It just is what it is. Someone on one discussion thread once wrote that dealing with an AD spouse in early stages is like dealing with a middle school student ... and in moderate stages, like dealing with an elementary school student ... and in severe stages like dealing with a pre-schooler. Well, I'm dealing with someone whose actions are more like upper elementary age now and I have a lot more patience when I think of her actions in that vein. I have 4 grandkids all in elementary school. It just is what it is.
Understanding that they get to where they can only concentrate on one thing at a time - and can't even HEAR you while they are concentrating is frustrating, but understanding it leads to accepting the new status quo. And, obsessiveness about having everything in a proper order can drive you nuts, but again, it is part of the disease and there is no getting around it until they are out of this phase. Slowly we have to take over doing everything.
Accepting what can not be changed, and being totally flexible with your time and theirs, and not expecting anything from them but gratefully accepting the few things they can still do - is just what it is.....
It isn't the concentrating on one thing at a time that bothers me...it's the doing opposite of what I ask or tell him. I had a towel catching drips from the fridge we were getting rid of. I asked DH to pull out the left side of the fridge and he pulls the towel. Later he said he was hungry and I told him he could only have a cheese sandwich. I told him the cheese was on top of the stove so he goes to the counter across from the stove and is looking at the sticks of Crisco!
Jean, audio perception is going....the wires taking the instructions - even one thing at a time, are getting crossed. It isn't his fault, but SO DARNED FRUSTRATING not to be able to depend on them to do ANYTHING!!!!
Having to feed my husband now...I never thought it would come to this.......
Mary, I think his memory or lack of memory is what really gets to me. I ran the dishwasher late last night and of course forgot about this morning. DH emptied it this afternoon before we went out to eat. We stopped at the store on the way home so I could stock up on things I had let run out. When I opened the fridge to put stuff in he had put casserole/baking dishes on the bottom shelf of the fridge!!!!!!!! It has not been a great couple of weeks with him wetting the bed Monday night or Tuesday morning, my glasses breaking last Thursday and not being able to do anything about them until Monday and then having to get new glasses because they couldn't be fixed. Then this afternoon I had a call from the doctor's office who did my Carotid surgery to go Saturday morning for the yearly Carotid test. Monday I have circle meeting (respite), Tuesday DH has a doctors appointment and Wednesday I have a hair appointment (more respite. If I make it through the next week and am still sane at the end of it it will be an accomplishment. Onward and upward. Please God.
Very common for mine to turn away from me when I ask him to turn towards me (where his walker is). Very common not to see what's on one side of his plate when he's eaten what's on the other side. Go back and read the "Understanding" article on the l. side of Joan's page. It's all in there.
Jean21, Quit peeking at my calendar and copying my schedule! lol... Seriously, your week sounds like my last two..two weeks ago it was one doctor or another for 4 days..then last week, two appts and tomorrow more of the same, banking, his barber shop visit, grocery store, then on Sun daughter no 3 comes in to look after her dad while I leave for 3 weeks..going to Iceland with daughter no 2 to help her work on the house there that they rent out in summer..needs painting so while it is work it is away and in a new area with folks I know and who are delightful.. It is always something...Lori will have to face running after scripts at the drug store since they would not fill early....really they say get time for yourself but it is not so easy.
DH has now assigned himself the task of unplugging things. He is pretty docile, just watches tv and the only quiet time is during commercial breaks when he turns the volume off..otherwise it is so loud it can be heard outside. Today I just gave up.
Mary, You mentioned audio perception is going.. I have a question maybe you or someone else might know..I have complained that the tv is so loud it drives me nuts..can be heard outside. Took DH for a hearing check...first thing that was done was get the wax out of the ears..lot of it. Then doc wanted to do a audiology test but DH said now. I thought he should do it.Doc said to see how it goes..I cannot stand the volume so loud....he says what all the time, etc. It seems though that this has not grown worse to this degree over say many months but sort of like a big jump. Does anyone know if the AD itself plays a role in this new miserable symptom?
Mimi---Yes. From what I've read from others and what I'm experiencing with my DH, it seems to go either way--sport of. Your DH turns everything up and responds as though he doesn't hear. My DH was tested and given a hearing aid--it sits in a drawer. Yet, he runs his radio at the table so softly I can barely tell it's on. I have some mild hearing loss and he nsists the TV keeps him awake if I have it on--and I keep it aslow as I can. Finally I golt TV Ears. This works like a dream. YThe TV is muted but I wear theTV Ears and hea it just fine. Maybe if the wax removal doesn't hlp, TV Ears on your DH would help your situation.
Oh, and the same thing happens with the Dementias and eyesight. If they can manage a vision test and get glasses, eventually the glasses don't work, and they'll sit in a drawer too.
My DH can no longer "hear" me if I am in the other part of the room; if I am facing away from him, etc. He turns the volume up on the tv when there is any conversation (with human or cat) because he can't focus on the tv sound when there is any other sound. Turning up the volume seems to be his reaction to any distraction and/or any plot he doesn't understand, or any dialog on tv he doesn't understand. All of this is new since the dementia and I believe for my DH it is disease related.
Of course, most spouses with dementia are in the age range where hearing loses may happen independent of dementia and that makes it difficult.
Mimi, if you have an iPod with good ear plugs, I highly recommend that you use the ear plugs for the next several months while this stage passes. <grin> My husband also had large globs of wax removed, but his hearing registered fine afterwards. However, he still wanted things a little loud. I wouldn't waste my money on an audio test. This too shall pass.
It is the unloading the DIRTY dishwasher and putting the dishes up and then you have to find them ALL and wash them without his knowing or he will get mad... (We got in the habit of running it the last thing before bed and unloading it before he got up so that he wouldn't wash the CLEAN dishes too!)
You gotta keep your sense of humor through this stage...and if you haven't read ALL of Caregiver Tips - what I wish I knew at stage 3 and 4, you should, because a lot of what you are about to face is there, written by all of us as it happened to us, to help those who followed us.
Just wait until he puts something in the disposal and it punctures it, or sticks a screwdriver in a moving ceiling fan, or washes and drys a load of clothes that is supposed to be hand washed and hung to dry and had to be thrown away....I also had to replace parts on the vacuum cleaner twice and then buy a new one; and a new dishwasher (don't know what he did to it)...anyway, this stage cost me about $1,000 over 5 months.....I was glad when that stage passed!!!!
I now have several hundred DVDs of his favorite movies because he got to the point he would watch movie after movie, and we memorized several before I bought more to save my sanity. <grin>
You just have to say, they don't even realize what they are doing. And you can't tell them. It can't get through to them, and if it does, it is forgotten before morning!!! Flexibility is our new password!
Ashorrible as this disease is it also makes us laugh,it's good there is something to laugh about or we'd all be in the funny house.I've marked all our app'ts on the calendar as half an hour earlier that they really are,maybe we will get to them on time.Still didn't find any scrub buckets or DH teeth.He has lost 2 hearing aids in 6mo.One time I found one clipped to light fixture in bathroom,at least I found that one.Somehow he doesn;t have his own glasses,he has someone else's,I have no ides how that came about.But this stage is still better than the ones I know are ahead.
Mimi, whatever you do, don't spring for expensive hearing aids. I don't know who it was - Marsh? whose spouse ate her $1000 hearing aids... in any event, carosi is right, they just don't work with AZ-ers. I have come to the conclusion that somewhere along the line the connection NOT between noise and ears is lost, but between ears and brain. Since they don't understand what's being said, they think turning up the sound helps, but it doesn't. But it has little to do with HEARING.
Joe has expensive hearing aides. The digital kind they can adjust as the hearing changes. At first we thought his dementia was just bad hearing, and he has bad hearing, but he also has dementia.
He never tried to eat them. He just stopped wearing them one day. He has now stopped wearing his glasses. Probably for the same reasons.