This afternoon my DIL that we are going to be visiting for a week starting Wed, called me and was wondering if I could be more specific about the ways in which dh may have changed since Christmas. He had some clashes with the grandchildren then and her 8-year-old is worried about Grandpa coming to stay. (The 10-year old is pretty philosophical and the 6-year-old is eagerly counting the days till we arrive, even though in the past she has often been driven to tears when Opa gets angry at her). It saddens me so to hear that we are less welcome than before, the grandkids are the light of my life and now the little guy is reluctant to have us come. I told her I'd send an email but I'm trying to think what to say. Actually I think he has become calmer and mellower since Christmas. I'm not sure how he will react though. He gets along pretty well with our grandchildren here in Holland, but they are much smaller (and both girls). The two-year-old had some cranky and rebellious moments last Sunday and dh hardly reacted to that at all, much to my surprise. Is it possible? Do they get less sensitive to rambuncious children? There have been several clashes because he gets upset by the noisy boys (the two oldest are boys and they have a big dog). Also he used to get upset when the kids didn't want to play games according to the rules. That is all over now; he can't remember any of the rules himself.
It is hidden deep in the Alz. website, so it is kind of hard to find, but I am giving you the link to a page full of resources that explains Alzheimer's Disease to children. I think it is excellent. I would suggest you read it thoroughly. You can take what you need from it to talk to your DIL and grandchildren and/or you can give them the link to read for themselves. The 8 and 10 year olds will definitely be able to understand it.
I can only share how my mom was with children when she had AD and was in a somewhat advanced level. A caregiver came to visit with her little toddler. When the caregiver asked if my mom had any children, Mom said," Why yes! I have two blues and a pink". And my dad, who outlived my mom and died at 92 loved kids. He didn't have AD but he did have some memory issues. But the children lit up his day. I think a lot depends upon how the LO is feeling that day, if they are otherwise well, and for some the children make for a play day while for others it may be best in smaller doses. That said, if it is FTD that may color things a little differently.
Jeanette - was that the trip that you stayed at numerous places vs the same place the whole time? did you go to this son's home first or was it after he was getting tired and maybe confused with all the changes? I would definitely share that he is calmer, but as we all know this disease is unpredictable. Letting the kids know that the loud, rambunctious behavior can be upsetting, maybe they can be on their best behavior while there. I don't think that is asking too much.
Jeanette, I wish you well on your visit. Might you want to consider staying at a nearby Motel with a pool available for the kids and do daily visits with the family? Myself, I am a little uncomfortable staying in one of the kids homes and while I only have 1 living far enough away that we took 2 days to visit, we stayed at a motel. Kids can be pretty noisy most of the time when they are small and it is something to consider. Recently my daughter, husband and myself travelled to Vt. to visit with my granddaughter and we were all very comfortable with us staying at a lovely B & B, meeting after breakfast and sightseeing, dining out together or at their home.
When we wanted to rest it was nice to come back to the B & B and have our privacy.
Lois' idea is a good one. I think it's very hard to take our spouses to another's home and expect anything but problems. Unless they have a comfortable room he can "hide" in, that is away from the children, I would definitely opt for a hotel with daily visits with the family. He is going to be out of his comfort zone and with people he might not remember too well, so as much comfort as you can give him the better. Have a wonderful trip.
Thanks everyone. Useful comments! My experience with hotels has been disastrous, although the last time I tried it was quite a while ago. He constantly wanted to leave the room, even in the middle of the night (in downtown Madrid), and woudn't sleep. Son and DIL have a guest room that is reserved especially for us, we even have a closet full of clothes there. It's very familiar and so far he's slept pretty well except the one night before Christmas that he went wandering in the snow. The kids and dog come and wake us up in the morning. I wouldn't miss it for the world. He goes to bed early and that gives me a chance to talk to son and DIL, I couldn't do that if we were at a hotel. And I don't dare to rent a car yet because I'm afraid he's still see it as HIS car. But if there are problems we'll check out a place for the next time. I think there are places not too far away. Yes, Charlotte, you're right, how good of you to remember that; it's true he was confused with all the travel.
Jeanette, have a talk with DIL and try to work on a plan for a time that DH can get the peace and quiet away from the children when he needs it. it was great anguish around here i remember well the noisy kids and constant moving in DH's space was very overwhelming and ultimately led to his meltdown with the smaller kids making all the racket. its important that the noise levels and interactions be supervised to keep an eye on how hes managing. good luck with your visit! divvi
Thanks divvi, good idea. The kids will be gone to school in the daytime I think, and I'm hoping we'll be outdoors most of the time. Last time the worst problem occurred at bedtime when I was trying to tell them stories; we'll work that differently this time. I packed the suitcases while he was gone to daycare and put them out of sight because last night I think it was the sight of them that made him tense. He wouldn't go to bed. Well tonight we have had our bath and shave and he has gone to bed early and was sawing logs before I got my hair dry so he should be well rested for the trip tomorrow. We have an afternoon flight so we don't have to get up early, another good thing. A taxi van is coming to the house to pick us up. I think he understands what's happening. He said "Are you the one who's making all the arrangements? I said yes I was, and he said "That's good."
When it was almost bathtime he suddenly broke out in a kind of bashful smile and asked if I could make a dessert. I think he was remembering the jello that we had a couple days ago, but there was no time for that, so I used the rest of the milk in the carton and made some instant pistaccio pudding and put it in the fridge for a few minutes. A bit later he wanted to go have his bath but I said, Don't forget the pudding. When he saw it his eyes lit up and he was touchingly grateful; it was as if I had done something magical. That was the last box of sugar-free pudding. Have to remember to buy a good supply in the States. The pudding made four servings and we ate two, so guess what we're having for breakfast? You know what, it was really good.
Jeanette--I hope you get to read this before your trip or soon after you arrive. You might want to buy Maria Shriver's book for your grandkids. She wrote it for her children, to explain how AD was affecting their grandfather (her Dad). I've never read it, but it sounds like it might be helpful in your situation. Bon Voyage!
Our grandkids live nearby and usually come to visit once a week for a few hours (about 4). Hubby has enjoyed having them but lately I'm noticing that his tolerance of their energy / activity / noise isn't what it used to be. He is starting to become negative about them coming to visit. Part of me recognizes that spending time with them in this way is going to have to change. But part of me aches that it may end up we don't get to see them often. I'm thinking I need to prepare better for their time with us ie have set pattern of activity----begin with a snack sitting down at table / following up with an outdoor activity (now that weather is improving) to run off some energy / back inside with a planned quieter activity / have supper (prepared ahead of time) / followed by another quieter activity. We do have a spare room that Grandpa could retreat to if needed (and I think it is needed). Also, trying to plan my schedule so I'm home ahead of them coming and plan a together activity with hubby next day. Both children are old enough that I could explain that too much noise tires Grandpa out and we need to play quieter etc. Any other suggestions from your experiences??? I've thought about having them here less often and just me going to pick them up for a visit or outing but not sure DH would like that much because of me being away (and not at home with him). DIL really appreciates us having grandchildren for the regular 4 hours as it gives her chance to get a few things done. It has been such a fun time having them over and they look forward to their time with us so much . . .
You sound like you have a great plan. Not sure what stage DH is...but mine used to really dislike loud noise and confusion. Would shout at children if they were loud. As he has progressed one good thing about late stage 6 is that he enjoys sitting in the middle of the grandchildren watching them play Wii for example. They are aware of sudden loud noise being unsettling and are careful. When we were at your stage had a room where either DH could go and watch TV quietly or children could go there for noisy play. Was hurt about this stage because I believed that they would not get quality time with their grandfather, and also did not want to push them away from our home. Good news it passed and now that they are older are turning into loving caregivers. Visits are now very enjoyable.
SCS, my dh has gone through the same development with the grandchildren: for a while he was very touchy and intolerant of noise. (See the beginning of this thread). Now he just sits and watches and seems to enjoy having the little ones nearby, reacts pleasantly when they give him sand cookies or cups of imaginary tea, etc, smiles at them. I'm very grateful.
I'm only sorry that we can no longer stay overnight at their houses as we used to, that was a disaster the last time we tried it. Dh sleeps very well at home but would not stay in bed there. Since then we have a serious wet bed issue on top of it, so I've told both sons we can't stay anymore.
We haven’t been around the grandkids for any length of time since Christmas, so next weekend should be interesting. We are going to our son’s house for Easter. We are staying 4 nights with 6 grandkids & 6 other adults (our kids & their spouses). DH usually does alright in that situation (We do this every Easter) but he has seemed to be less patient lately. It will also be interesting to see if he sleeps through the night. I have a feeling this will be our last Easter doing this.
Funny Jeanette about our DH's journeys sound very similar. My husband loves KFC and also does comment on not having any money. He always has money in his wallet but seems very concerned about his ability to pay for things. We are also at the night timne urinary incontinence stage. And with his recent gait problems barely make it to BR during the day.
My BIL also loved KFC and always wanted us to bring him two chicken legs everytime we visited him in the nursing home. Claude loved McDonald's.....everytime we went somewhere in the car, he wanted to know if we were going to stop at that place with the "yellow thing" for a cheeseburger, fries and a coke. It didn't make any difference whether or not he had just had breakfast!!!
About grandchildren: Our elementary school age grandchildren have this week off for spring break. 2 of them live across the street. Our 6 year old granddaughter came over a few hours ago. She ate lunch with us & she is very good at keeping herself busy & she has been drawing & coloring the whole time. Right now she is in the kitchen with PopPop & the 2 of them are just fine together, they are eating chips & cheese curls! He just gave her a rock he had in his pocket & when he asked her if she wanted it she looked at me & I nodded my head (I was standing behind DH). I hope she has good memories of the time she spent with her PopPop.
This is what I have been running into with DH and the grandchildren. The activity and noise are a real problem. Also the unappropriate words and talk. Son and his kids are "in the know" about DH and his moods and what he can handle. Son sends the kids over with ice cream. They eat it with DH and leave. 10 or 15 minutes. Daughter wants us to babysit for two or three hours. Then she feels bad when I say no and encourage shorter visits.
pamsc – thank you for sharing that. I can’t leave my DH alone anymore, so leaving him alone with the grandkids isn’t an option, but I will still be extra vigilant in making sure he isn’t alone with them at all.
This is a hard one. 2 of my grandkids (now age 7 & 8) used to spend every weekend with us, and DH was relatively okay. They haven't done that in quite awhile. I agreed to keep them Sunday - Tuesday of this week as they are on spring break. Never again! Although DH was pretty tolerant, I had to do everything myself, cooking, playing, showering, cleaning up, and it was just too much. He seemed to focus more on his dog than the grandkids. When the boys were being noisy ( they ARE 7 & 8), he would come out and start yelling at the poor dog. Poor thing had no idea why he was being screamed at (I think he was glad to see the kids go, too). I am now of the philosophy that shorter visits are best. It's so heart breaking to watch DH with the kids. He used to dote on them, and now he doesn't want to be around them. :(