Due to some exceptionally emotionally close incidents recently between Sid and me, as well as dicussion about this topic on the boards, I decided to revisit the article and topic of the Emotional Divorce. I invite you to log onto the home page - www.thealzheimerspouse.com - and read today's blog. As I said in the blog, I would like to hear from veteran members and how your opinion has or has not changed and from newer members on what they think and if they can achieve the "emotional divorce". I have printed the entire article within the blog for your convenience.
I have achieved the emotional divorce, pretty much. This marriage has been so difficult, from the beginning, with the rages, verbal and physical abuse. That's 21 years worth. Finally, I just took over on things around the house, and in our lives. That was many years ago. I did that, when dh would not help me, and rather than fight with him, I just did what needed to be done. Then he said, "...when you withdrew from me." Well, yes, I did withdraw from him. He drove me out, emotionally. I saw that he was not going to meet my needs emotionally, and physically with the work that our marriage called for, ie, yard work, house work, etc. While I was doing the grunt work, he was criticizing, and was playing in his shop with "projects" that he felt were more important than helping me keep our daily lives going. One of those "projects" was repairing a shoelace that had broken on his tennis shoes, rather than buy a new pair of laces.
This emotional divorce also goes back to the subject of grieving, which we've talked about on this website a lot recectly. I have grieved this whole marriage, of what I didn't have from him. I have never had a partner. I have had an adversary, the whole time. So, when the FTD comes to it's inevitable end, I will have already done my grieving. I've been grieving for 21 years.
As you know I am a veteran-what ever that means. My husband of 51yrs is so far gone from me-and for so long-that I have indeed gone through an emotional divorce. It was nothing I did consciously. It was a desperate act of self-preservation. At first I felt a terrible guilt as love turned to resentment and then pity.
I think the emotional divorce or separation comes with this disease even if our marriages have been good ones. I would choose my same partner all over again. He has been a wonderful partner. Sure there are things I wish he would have done that he didn't and I am sure the same can be said of me. However, as this disease progresses, we see what we are losing and there is an odd distance that takes it's place...the AD maked it 3 in the marriage..it is the interloper, the other woman or man if you will. I don't find myself hating my DH but I do get upset with him sometimes out of fatigue mostly. I get frustrated at having to do the things he used to do..and because of the disease, there is not the same level of communication and interaction that there used to be so we have to fight the urge to feel taken for granted by the LO with the disease. And so the emotional sparks are tapped down by the caregiver all business modus..Sad all around.
I wrestle with this issue all the time. I think an "emotional divorce" is one of those things that sounds good in theory—very logical and all that—but when you've been married to someone for decades, it's pretty hard to accomplish. (And it's hard to feel "divorced" from someone you spend 24 hours a day with.) There is still enough of my husband left to feel like I'm being batted back and forth: some days there is such a distance, then there will be days when I see him in his eyes again—and then just about the time I get used to that, wham! Back to living with somebody I don't really recognize.
I'm still not quite sure that I actually want an emotional divorce. Maybe the thing that keeps me doing this is the feeling that I still have for my husband. If I purposely establish an emotional distance between us, I don't know if I can still lovingly care for him. Maybe he no longer meets my needs, but I do get satisfaction from the fact that he still knows that I love him, and that I will care for him. He can see that I still love him. I don't know if he would see that love on my face any more if I was successful with an emotional divorce.
It's been hard to adjust to the fact that he's no longer the man I married, and he is no longer able to meet just about any of my needs. But even if the attachment is mostly in one direction now, I'm not quite ready to sever that attachment. I have learned to make major adjustments in my expectations. Gradually (and painfully), I've learned to be more independent, and to not depend on DH in the way that I used to. But emotionally divorced? After sharing two thirds of my life with this man, I don't think I will be emotionally divorced even years after my husband is gone forever.
I wonder—did the author of this "emotional divorce" idea live through it himself, or is all of his viewpoint from the other side of the desk? Being a psychologist who studies something is very different from actually living through it yourself.
Jan-I didn't want an emotional divorce. I didn't plan on this. What do you do when your loved one has been almost comatose for three years?? It's pretty difficult to to discuss lunch plans.
Agreed, Nora. Jan, I don't think of it as an emotional divorce either, even though it is absolutely NECESSARY to separate myself from him emotionally - if I got hurt when he was cross, and "took it personally" or thought he pooped on the floor on purpose, as people sometimes do in the early stages, then I'd want to be able to set the space between us.
I don't think any of us want an emotional divorce especially following a happy marriage but things do change dramatically with a disease of dementia. My husband of 54 years passed away at home last December, 8 days after Hospice came on board. I am forever thankful I did not have to make the difficult decision many of you have had to make about placement, violence, wandering, etc. Paul was passive and had Parkenism with both AD and VD. He did not require the black box drugs.
I mourned his decline for several years and by building a wall to protect my emotions, I achieved an emotional divorce. I cared for him 24/7 like many of you and still maintained our common bond we had for 54 years without letting myself being consumed by his disease. Our love-life went "down the drain" like most of yours but there was still mutual respect between us and he knew me and the kids until almost the end. For that we are forever blessed and thankful. Now I am on a road to "reinventing my life at 72". Not easy at 42 let alone 72 but I refuse to let myself get depressed and give up. I plan to enjoy the latter years of my life. I am fortunate to have supportive kids who live close by who also refuse to let me give up.
Everyone's comments so far have been "right." I mean, in that I understand and more or less agree with the sentiments. As usual, we understand each other. The only difference, really, is how different people react, emotionally, to the term "emotional divorce."
Obviously it's only one attempt to describe what happens when the default condition of a relationship (let's say a good one,) fails on the basis of one partner's personality shutting down. And the other partner being left trying to unilaterally "have a relationship" which, he/she eventually realizes, can't be "had" by one person.
I understand discomfort with this term. For some, it evokes a sense of abandonment which they don't feel is applicable to a relationship into which they're still shoveling love like coal into a steam engine--full speed ahead. I completely understand, and obviously it's just one term. Nobody has to use it.
I have used it, because for me it evokes the sickening reality of a beloved, valued partnership which once existed and no longer does. I imagine that when a person who thought s/he had a decent marriage is suddenly confronted by a spouse who wants out, the processing that s/he must subsequently do to bring herself back to an emotionally even keel is similar in intensity and difficulty to what I've spent the past 6 years doing. The causes are different, and what I'm left to manage is, obviously, different. But I am bereft and abandoned so--from a certain way of looking at it--the analogy is not unfitting.
But it's just an analogy. All it means is that we have to do whatever psychological tricks we need to to build ourselves a platform from which we can meet this unwanted challenge. Bama uses a brick wall analogy, and I understand that too. Sometimes I use the term "emotional cantilevering." I love my husband with a "cantilevered love." I mean by this that I cannot hold him close like I did for the 20 years of our good relationship, because it causes me too much pain to expose myself, intimately, to the glaring absence of the partner who could understand me. So, I go through all the steps that add up to "loving" someone, I do everything that's needed, I read to him, smile at him, hug him, fix him coffee, get his pills, take him places--but, in my head and heart and am holding him at arm's length. The "good" part (if you can describe any of this as good,) is that thanks to his inability to read my wavelength anymore--his inability to empathize--the things I do for him are enough, and equal love to him. He can't see the arm's length part, because that part of him doesn't receive signals anymore. I know I'm doing it, but he doesn't.
Because I keep my own counsel, make all decisions, am the only functioning parent to our children, and must be a rock and and island, so to speak, I feel like a single person with the scar of separation from a beloved relationship. It's probably more like "emotional widowhood," than "emotional divorce," really. It's just that, technically and legally, we're neither one. Until we are.
I can't honestly say I've achieved the emotional divorce. Maybe I'm a slow learner, but I keep reaching for a response that doesn't come. He still looks like the person to whom I turned for support and sometimes he sounds like that person, so I expect him to still be that person. He isn't. I'm gradually beginning to accept that, but it's hard.
Been reading the following comments and I am beginning to think the term emotional divorce is the wrong term to use. It seems to indicate that we fall out of love for our ill partner. If that were the case, if we didn't love them still, this disease would not chew us up like it does. Unless we had miserable married lives with our spouse I think we would select our same partner in life all over again. I know I would. In marriages where both are healthy the wine and roses may well still be there but the hormones do quiet down ya know for some so the dynamics change but not the underlying love and devotion felt one for the other. But with this disease that robs our best buddy bit by bit day by day and with the fatigue setting in ( remember how it could get with the little new baby in the house) we do get tired and react differently. And unlike the new baby setting, we know we are losing our spouse and that hurts..all the changes, all the hopes for the golden years so to speak. And so we steal ourselves with each new and devastating change. But that does not mean we don't love our spouse anymore..if that were true, we would seek the NH or assisted living but we don't, we want to do as much as we can for as long as we can for our DH/DW.
Mimi, just because some of us have placed our spouses in NH or assisted living doesn't mean we don't love them anymore. In some cases it is an act of love to place them. To me divorce is no longer caring and widowhood is more related to the loss we all feel. I think "emotional widowhood" is a better description.
The fact that for one reason or another we must make the decision to place our loved one in a NH or assisted living has absolutely nothing to do with "emotional divorce". I had to place my husband when I could not longer care for his physical needs because I have Parkinson Disease. I had already begun to try and view him realistically as he had become. He was not my lover, best friend and confident any longer. He was a stranger whom I could no longer relate to or share my life with...I still loved him or rather the memory of him as he had been but now I realized that I had been trying to get him to respond in the familiar, warmth and intelligent personality that I was in love with. However, the truth was that the man I had been in love with was gone and now I was to him someone important but certainly not his companion , wife, of 57 years. So I set out to make a life for myself while keeping my responsibilities as his caregiver. Now that he has passed on I am recovering my memories of our life together before AD. He is once again my dearest love complete and whole .
Janet reaches for the response that doesn't come. Know the feeling. It happened a lot for me a few years ago, when as I think happens with a lot of the AZ people, they're so scared of what's happening to them (no, they don't understand what the doctor says in the context of their own illness, but they know SOMEthing's not right) so they withdraw.
Now I have someone who more or less looks like my husband, still looks into my eyes, now with recognition, still laughs like he did.. and makes less and less sense with what he says. He hasn't become silent like a lot of your spouses, indeed he makes incessant noise when he is concentrating on moving around or on his body in general, and he does try to speak intelligent sentences. He seldom succeeds, especially if he's trying to tell me about something he's enjoying on TV. It's frustrating, so I seldom push him. Indeed, I try to finish his sentence - and he is grateful, whereas before he would have been of course understandably furious.
Fortunately, I am not yet at the stage where I must consider 'emotional divorce.' But after reading Joan's blog and these comments, I can only conclude that emotional divorce is, like so many other decisions we must make for our spouses, one of the most highly personal decisions one can make. What is very right for one person may be very worng for another. I guess I'll need to confront this possibility somewhere down the line as just one more horrible consequence of this horrible disease. But again, fortunately, as of now the time has not yet come for me.
As love has turned to bitterness, anger, disappointment..............I've been through all the stages of grief over the last twenty some years. I thought I had achieved the emotional divorce. Then, the call came from the nursing home this morning. Suddenly, all the emotions came flooding into my heart...all at once. I can't separate them. Resentment, then remembering how I loved him, how we met, his smile, his blue eyes and sweet Tennessee accent. Yes, I do have some good memories. I am sitting at John's bedside at the Nursing Home. Keeping vigil. None of the children want to talk to me. Youngest daughter is on her way here, yet doesn't want me to stay here...has made that clear. Maybe I'll go home briefly to clean up the house for guests. His oldest daughter is on her way in the morning. I've offered them a place to stay. Yes, I believe that an emotional divorce is possible. Yet, like widowhood, it doesn't come without pain in the end. I thought I would just be numb, like I've been trying to be lately. Untouchable, a wall. Nope.
Yes, "emotional divorce" is, as I said, just a descriptive term. It doesn't mean something you do, as in a deliberate act, nor does it grant you any sort of closure such that you'll never revisit the emotions that formed the heart of your relationship. It simply is one possible way of describing how you might acknowledge that you are no longer in the reciprocal relationship your marriage once was, and also "officially" (at least to yourself) recognize that you're on your own kid.
Like others have said, I kind of like the "emotional widowhood" concept better. Because there was no choice involved on the part of either party.
But whether or not you want to use the term or not, the upshot of the recommendation is that you have to find a way to acknowledge and cope with the reality that what once was (a supportive relationship) is no longer. And you need to look at that, say "yes, this is the case," find a way to handle it, and survive. Call it whatever you want.
Don't worry. I'm not completely cold as ice. Even though I understand and recognize the (sometimes) appropriateness of the term, those emotions and memories do come flooding back, just as stunt girl says.
I did not say that if we are put in a position to have to place our LO that we do that because we don't love them anymore. I said that if we didn't love them it would not chew us up as it does. That is why I said the term emotional divorce may be the wrong term.What I was trying to say at the end but didn't manage it too well was that If we did not love our LO,when this disease set in we would be more likely to seek out the NH or assisted because the emotional divorce term sounds so much like any love is dead when it isn't and that the temptation would be to place the spouse in a NH or assisted living before the need would really present itself. Thanks for the heads up to correct that last sentence. I just got it boggled up..DH was talking to me at the time I was trying to scribe..sigh..
I've read these comments with such interest. All of you write with such clarity. A book couldn't do it any better.
I, in a way, wish I could "emotionally divorce " my husband. Maybe if I could do that I wouldn't feel such hurt when he yells at me the way he does. I know it's the FTD talking, but it still hurts so very much. We all try to do the very best we can with our loved ones and when it seems as if the love isn't returned, it hurts to the core. Days go by when we say to ourselves, "We can do this." Then, the very next day, things are turned around and we feel "if every day is going to be like this one, how will I continue? There are such doubts that the so-called "emotional divorce" would make things easier to bear. When you're 'emotionally divorced' you don't feel things. Because I am not 'emotionally divorced,' I feel. I feel sadness when I see him struggling so hard to do something that once was so easy for him to do. I feel pain when I look at his face and see the suffering causing him to look much older than he should. I feel love for him when I see him sleeping or when he's with the grandchildren. Sometimes I get exasperated when he makes me come downstairs to look out the window at a bird, but, deep down, I wouldn't have it any other way.
Being emotionally divorced would make some things easier; on the other hand, how could we do the things we need to do for them if we didn't feel the attachment?
I guess what it comes down to is, I'd rather have the feelings of love and be emotionally attached than not.
Bev & all: Birds, you made me remember birds and how I felt the same annoyance when DH called me to look at them. I don't know how to do an emotional divorce, but I do know that towards the end, when men would flirt with me, I'd think about the possibilities, when before we had both always been faithful. Without my bidding, the disease changed my thinking on many issues. Having lived what most of you are still going thru, I know we often think of things in our own different ways and the quality of the marriage is a big influence. I have certainly moved on, but I never want to forget DH--both the joys and what he/we endured. I'm confortable with it all. It has taken it's place in my life, just as the death of my beloved father. I never want to forget him, either, and our time together.
From my journal/book about DH: "Who would call me to the backyard to watch a flock of crows pecking the lawn? Who would point out the baby hatchlings hiding under the garage eaves, or the squirrel scampering up the telephone pole after eating an orange from the neighbor’s tree? Who would show me the vibrant flower that sprang overnight from our ancient cactus, and tell me once again that we should take a picture of it? And why did I so often say, “Honey, I’m busy right now,” and not go look, thinking ‘it’s only a bird’. What was so important that it couldn’t wait?"
You said it so well. I know the feeling you expressed when you would be called to see a bird or see a fancy car go up the street...I have caught myself a lot now that I know what is wrong with DH. When he calls I try to hide any irritation I might feel at the moment and go see what he has to share because I have reminded myself one day he won't be able to call me over to share something important to him. I learned that lesson years ago when I would be taking care of my dad..he could be demanding at times, get me this, get me that. There were so many get mes that after a time I would get really ticked...then one day he called me and I kind of yelled WHAT! and all he said was " I just wanted to tell you I love you." Ever since then, I learned to curb my mouth no matter what I might be feeling at the moment...we never know when our LO won't be able to call us to share some delight they see.
And, I wish i could emotionally divorce his children. I've been informed that the daughter from L.A. is on her way with her sisters...to arrive at his bedside in an hour or less. I've been ordererd to NOT BE IN THE VICINITY. I don't understand this. I understanfd the kids, any of us, wanting private time with John (holy cow, even the ex-wife is coming), and I will honor this. But, I told them to grow up...whatever our differences, just suck it up....I'm HERE. So, I was told by my own youngest that everyone thinks I'm an "@#@-hole"....that even the nursing staff thinks so....so, what's THAT about???!!! I think it is easier to deal with the emotions I experience with my husband than with several vicious children and stepchildren.....not to mention his sisters, ex-wife. Any suggestions? I'm just trying to sit here quietly while John naps.
Bettyhere and Mimi, Nature makes my husband so happy. When he sees the leaves opening on our trees and bushes, and the flowers growing, he is like a different man. I don't remember him being like this when he was younger, but now these things are a very important part of his life. And birds, these are his favorite. He feeds them like crazy, to the point that one of them was actually standing in front of our back door yesterday waiting for him to feed him. We'll have to remember to have our neighbor put out some food for them when we go on vacation for a week or the poor birds will be waiting for him and starving if it isn't put out! Even the squirrels get fed! This I really don't like, but, what the heck, it makes him happy. My bird food bill, including bread and peanuts for the squirrels, must be sky-high.
Stunt girl, I wish you peace, and pray you get through this trying time with grace and the ability to withstand the possible onslaught of ill-conceived words and actions from John's family.
Jen - you are his wife. That entitles you to be there. They are visiting because you are allowing it. Until they go through the experience, they will not understand what you have gone through. You can set the tone by only allowing one or two in the room at a time. You can also set the times of their visits so as to not be overwhelmed. This is a sad time and hard enough to deal with without the hassels of ignorant family members.
stuntgirl, his daughters don't get to choose if you are there or not there. You don't have to say anything. You don't have to acknowledge their presence. You certainly do not have to house them in your home.
And you absolutely do not have to leave when they arrive.
Back to the idea of an emotional divorce. I've read the article now and I've got some problems with it.
First of all I'm probably getting more simple affection out of my husband now than I ever did in my almost 50 year marriage. He isn't an American, and the culture he came from probably didn't include a lot of simple affection, so he never got it. No hand holding. No taking little walks together. No little kiss just because we looked over at the other and wanted to smile at them.
The partnership was there. He had his jobs. I had my jobs. And as I once said when I was the one getting badly sick every few years, as long as there were two of us we could manage. Because we did. If one of us couldn't do their jobs, the other did.
That is long gone. One by one I've taken over his jobs until now I've got all of them. In one or two cases he is still helping, but frankly it is now my job.
So if emotional divorce means understanding that I can't lean on him anymore, I guess I've got an emotional divorce. But that isn't what it feels like, because I still care about him.
Starling has made the point that has hit home the most for me. The fact that we cannot count on our spouse for support (I am talking about the emotional element) any longer. Today I had to withstand an angry, resentful 25 yr old daughter call me names and make accusations in front of others. I told John about it and begged him to protect me, to speak up to this child about the way she talks to her mother....that it breaks my heart and why. What am I thinking? He DID manage to tell Ari to stop talking to her mother like she does....but he didn't remember why he said this, was afraid he'd hurt her feelings. It was my "closure moment". He's just not there for me anymore, in any capacity and, I'm on my own. So, back to my own life, I guess.
To me, emotional divorce doesn't mean you no longer "care". For me, I have always "cared". 54 years I cared. But, in order to survive this affliction it was important for me to distance myself from a romantic sense. Otherwise, I would have been in a sadly depressed state now. I understand bluedaze's comment about voiding the "emotional divorce". To me that means she has always cared and thought she had already morned his passing the last few years but now she is finding those emotions coming back now. I think that happens to all of us.
The last years are spent doing everything that previously had been split between us as couples but later when we caregivers have to take on the responsibility of doing everything and making all decisions, our union has been changed. We are no longer a partnership but much like a Mother and child. Now, after 5 months and even as early as 2 months, I have remembered him as he was as a partner and the good times we had together raising a family. The helplessness he experienced the last months are being slowly forgotten much as we forget the antics of our kids when they were small.
I gather that to many among us, the term carries a connotation of "not caring" or "not loving," and that's what makes them uncomfortable with the concept. That is certainly not what I mean when I've used it. To me it simply means--do not expect empathic understanding of the sort that carried our relationship for 20 years. That is gone. Do not expect help or support. That is gone. Do not expect anything resembling an equal playing field, or an equal partner. Gone. I am on my own. I continue to care, I continue to love...it simply bears no resemblance to the relationship I married into. None. Gone. The "divorce" part is just a way of saying I've looked at that reality square on, and acknowledged it. I do not expect my marriage. It's gone. But I continue to do acts of loving and caring.
I'm thinking about the lyrics to the song "Do You Love Me," from Fiddler on the Roof. Tevye wants his wife of 25 years, Golde, to say she loves him. It's not a concept she's used to, so it's hard for her. Finally she says: "(Golde) Do I love him? For twenty-five years I've lived with him Fought him, starved with him Twenty-five years my bed is his If that's not love, what is?
(Tevye) Then you love me?
(Golde) I suppose I do
(Tevye) And I suppose I love you too
(Both) It change a thing But even so After twenty-five years It's nice to know"
You have been the one at front edge of the battle field fighting the good fight against terrible odds with no support from said daughters. At this point they have no right to come along and dictate to you ,anything. You don't have to be as rude as they sound, just be gracious and firm and you control the situation. You have done a heroic task thus far and we are all here to boost you up when you need it..just "call out our names and wherever and whenever you need us we'll come round baby for you...." as the old song goes..Hang tough. When you realize you are not going to let them bully you like John has over these years, when you look back at how dignified you have been despite your own personal hardships with injuries coupled with all the other stuff, you will stand tall and proud with your face in the breezes and can say to yourself, Jen, job well done. Arms around..
The kids arrived ..... demanded I leave, etc, etc. After some words, I thought to myself, "I'm better than this" and went out to a public area to wait for the kids (and ex-wife) to visit. i mean, how long could this TAKE, how long would John want this amount of company?? I just talked to some of the other residents and thought. Decided he was doing just fine and LEFT for the day. This will never happen again, I'll be in control of situation. Once done. Your words have been well taken. THANK YOU!!!!!
Sadly, at the time, I did not undrstand about the birds. Reading what others have said, I now think it was DH's way of sharing his pleasure, his way of saying, 'I love you and want you to enjoy this with me.' Well, maybe not, but now that I consider it, I think that's what they are doing.
I'm sure that's what it is. He doesn't show much affection to me at this time in our lives, perhaps that's why he calls me. Whenever we see something we think is beautiful, don't we want to share it with someone? And that someone is usually the person we love. So, yes, that's why he does it. I'll try to remember that whenever I might get annoyed because he makes me stop what I'm doing to look at something that's beautiful to him. At that time, we are emotionally attached, not divorced.
This is an interesting issue. I know that I have not emotionally divorced my husband, nor do I feel like an emotional widow. Yes, our relationship has changed, and now I take care of everything, make all the decisions, etc. I've had to do this for about 6 years now. Although my husband needs a lot of help (stage 6), he still shows affection, says thanks for everything, is happy most of the time. In a way, I feel it's similar to the old fashioned type of marriage of years ago--where the husband was in charge of everything--except now it's me. It's the type of marriage my parents had--although my Mom did give input for decisions, by and large, my Dad's opinions were the ones that counted. Perhaps a reason I don't feel emotionally distanced yet is because he has retained his social skills and we can still socialize as a couple. Of course, I realize as the disease progresses, my feelings may change on this topic.
I think it is more like an emotional widowhood than an emotional divorce. The partnership is certainly gone. And I don't feel like I'm part of a couple.
Emotional divorce or emotional widowhood. Both very descriptive and poignant terms to label the ongoing nature of loss within a marriage relationship/triangle where dementia is the third partner. I've read everyone's comments a few times over because they are so reflective of the rawness of the loss. Out of that reading came a label that works for me----married widow. At times I feel like a widow-----having experienced relationship loss (past) / experiencing relationship loss (current) / sinking feeling that there will be more relationship loss (future) or, as Starling so aptly says, anticipatory grief. Yet I am married. I am still committed to have and to hold, to love and to cherish. But the reciprocal nature of an alive marriage relationship has and is eroded. We were anticipating our time as empty nesters when our youngest ones be have moved out and we would have time to do some many things together and enjoy our relationship as just the two of us. I am grieving the loss of that future even as I struggle to know how to be a widowed wife in a marriage that I know has more challenges to face yet.
Emily's term of being a single parent is very accurate too. I often feel like a single parent functioning as part of a two parent family. No simple roadmap or directions on how to do that.
whoops . . . I should have read that through before posting. It should read "when our youngest ones would be moved out" (which is yet to happen). Hope that reads better!
I'm sitting here typing but not exactly sure just yet what I'm going to write. My DH, for the most part, has been pretty good. But, for the past week or so has been having "temper tantrums." If I say the wrong thing to him he storms out of the room, goes into his room, lies in bed and doesn't come out all day long. This has happened at least 3-4 times this past week. I'm afraid to talk to him for fear of getting him angry. At that point, I feel I am "emotionally divorcing" myself from him because I don't want to be upset. I feel like a yo-yo, feeling good at one point, feeling bad at another. I'm so afraid this is a new stage, maybe going back to his old stage last year before I began giving him Seroquel (which made things so much better). He's paranoid again, which seemed to have cleared for a while. Does anyone else feel this sense of being on a roller coaster, never knowing what's going to come next? Of course, I think I do know the answer to that question. I'm sure most of you do. I'm just feeling the need to let out some of my feelings right now because at this time he's in his room, having not eaten any dinner yesterday or breakfast or lunch today.
Prissy me...exhausted emotionally from the NH visit today. John and I have nothing more we can talk about any longer. When will I get that through my needy head? I swear, I STILL want to talk to "my other" about all the stuff that I'm going through here at home....equipment breaking down, how I need to replace this and that (BIG deals, like tractors, parts of equipment to keep this a running operation, not just where I live). He talks nonsense. Talks about all the shares he still owns in racing t-breds, in a track in MD, crazy stuff that isn't a part of my life anymore. Breaks my heart when he goes on about past horses that were money earners....why can't I sell or lease out one of those to make my expenses for a while? He is ABSCENT from this reality. He keeps telling me he'll just write me a check....I explain he has no money...he says that isn't true. Suggests I have a great horse trade still going on and he wants to help...just go get his checkbook! It all made me cry...that made him upset. He just can't be here for me and any emotional support I need any more. To borrow from another thread......"Jen, here's your sign". Going to go back to sleep for the day. Goodnight.
Jen, when you go take a checkbook if you want - let him write the check then take it all with you. Play along with his fantasy like you would a child. We all get tired of doing it, some have it worse than others. You need to stop going with the expectation that he will be your husband while there. You know that will not happen. Go with the expectation of visiting a sick child whom you say what makes them feel better for the moment. You become an actor - being someone you are not. All my childhood, most of my adult life, I am the person those around me want me to be. (I think that is why I have such a conflict with my sister -because I refuse to act now) It is acting. When you visit you become an actress.
Your trying to set him straight gets him angry but it is you that is hurt by it. He will forget - you will not. You carry it home with you and are eaten alive by it. One of the many things I learned in counseling was that hurt people will walk around with an invisible sign that can only be seen by abusers that says: hurt me or abuse me. I wonder if somewhere inside you set yourself up for his anger? I say this because I know you have been abused for years by him - it was a way of life for you. When we are abused the pain and hurt are normal feelings for us. The hardest things an abused child/adult has in life to do is when you take that step to the other side of the fence where the abuse is no longer your comfort zone. (comfort zone does not mean it doesn't hurt). I remember when I did it, it was so frightening because it was not familiar territory. My daughter ran out on a chance for a good future when she got scared. She was set up to get her GED, work training, parenting classes, be a part of her two oldest children's lives, her own place - a nice life. She got scared and ran off to live with an abusive guy. She validates staying with it by telling me it is better than the home she grew up in. this statement triggers me go back on the other side of the fence which in many ways is still a comfortable place.
I urge you to talk with your counselor about how you go visit John and set yourself up to get hurt. You need to divorce yourself of being his wife when you go and go as an adult visiting a child. Have your counselor help you set the boundaries to avoid this continuing scenario. Practice with your counselor how to become an actress when you visit him. Acting also detaches you from much of the hurt you may feel. Then you can come home from you acting job, relax in a hot bath and work on becoming the Jennifer on the healthy side of the fence.
Bev, I understand and relate completely to what you are saying, particularly the yo yo feelings. In the very early days I felt very close to him, more in love than before the DX because I lost my anger at his contributions to the state of our marriage due to his symptoms which now had a medical cause. But then shortly thereafter he starting having frequent emotional outbursts raging at me often in public. Plus he became so selfish and self centered and spent a lot of time out drinking and listening to music and the effects of the drinking brought some violent outbursts. I then EMOTIONALLY DIVORCED him for sure plus I felt alot of anger and resentment.
I finally got him to stop drinking after many threats and although he has taken it up again in moderation he has not had any violent outbursts. He still occasionally gets frustrated and I can see tantrums welling up but I know how to redirect now and it's not much of a problem. But he also acts a bit more empathetic although I'm not sure he is truly capable of empathy. He is acting the part better. He's in a wonderful stage in that his sense of humor seems actually improved. When he's comfortable and with a friend of ours he's close to he can be a lot of fun! It's surprising and amazing as I swear sometimes he seems easier to get along with than he ever was. I've found myself over the past many months feeling a lot more love for him and much closer and I'd have to say feel I've EMOTIONALLY REMARRIED him. Weird, huh? I have to credit part of this to my lowering of expectations as it's clear everything falls to me and I hate it but accept it. Plus I've learned how to redirect his frustrations and I fear sliding back into those old feelings and they were so unpleasant for me.
As close as I now feel to him now it is still not the same as a romantic relationship. I gave up quite early. I was afraid to continue sex and much physical affection. I read so much about inappropriate sexuality particularly with FTD patients and his neurologists think that might be what he has. We've had separate bedrooms for some time and although I sometimes miss the physical closeness I'm not willing to risk his becoming publicly inappropriate or have sex be the cause for angry outbursts in private. Still, for now he's my best friend. The closest person in the world to me and considering my disappointing lack of closeness with my family he's pretty much my world. After a long plateau he seems to be on a decline and I'm grateful we had this time together now and I am totally unprepared for what is to come.
Jen--I will be very frank--I really don't understand why you are telling your husband about all your troubles. You are making the situation harder on both of you. Maybe before dx he "took care of you", but clearly he can't do that now. I would imagine that being told he has no money would be most distressing to him--why go out of your way to upset him? You need to find others to unburden yourself to--your husband is the mental equivalent of a child now--you need to tell him things that will make him happy...it's not easy to plaster a smile on one's face all the time and play the "happy cheerleader" role...I get tired of it too. But that's the kindest thing we can do for them. Wouldn't you want that if you were the one with dementia?
terry--Much of what you say is so familiar. It helps to know someone else has similar feelings. When we first received the diagnosis I felt much as you did, I felt closer to him than I had in a while. Like you, I felt, in a way, it was a relief to find there were reasons for the way he acted for so many years before the diagnosis. I wish I could say he's my best friend, that's something I always wanted but really never had, especially not now. Even though he needs me and I know he loves me, right now he is extremely self-centered. His anger is always right beneath the surface, and I have to be extremely careful about what I do or say, a reason why I'm not getting help. I'm afraid of his reaction. I don't believe he ever thinks about how I feel about anything. We have separate bedrooms as well now. We didn't always have them, but I need some space and he does too. We each have a place to go when we want to be alone. I think that's good. Sometimes I feel lonely, but not from being alone. I feel lonely because I don't have my husband anymore. I've always taken pleasure in being alone, not having much alone time in the early years of my marriage with my children all far apart in age, time alone was very precious, even though my children were my life and the time I spent with them has paid off. I have terrific kids. I appreciate your comments.
okay, I've been told that I can be perceived as cruel. I really have nothing more to say. Just lonely, feel forsaken by this man I looked to for everything. I do get it....he's not that person anymore. Got it. I'm just in pain. Nothing more coming from me, for sure. I'm as fragile as anyone else here. Not stone.
What Marilyn is saying Jen, rephrased, is that we all understand the need for someone to discuss the burdens of life, homeowning, finances, etc, with. It stinks that we can't discuss these things with our spouses anymore. It just sounds like, based on information you've given about your husband, that a little therapeutic lying, or at least a lot of therapeutic omission of details might be appropriate.
Don't feel scolded. Giving each other advice is just one of the helpful functions of the forum.