Our youngest will be getting married at the end of this year and we are very excited about this event. I will be having the rehearsal dinner at our home for 35-50 people. I enjoy cooking and have hosted get gatherings at our home several times since my husband was diagnosed three years ago. My husband is actually more comfortable in our home vs other places and a good friend of mine offered to help with the cooking. Presently my husband is still in the early stage, and is very easy to live with.
Here is my dilemma- Our son and his fiance are having a minister from out of town marry them who is a very good friend to both of them. Our son wants the minister, his wife and a male roommate (?) of theirs to stay in our house during this time. We have a large home with many spare bedrooms so space is not an issue. Even though I've met the minister on a few occasions I don't really know him and have know idea who this third person is.
I am very uncomfortable having these people stay in our home. My husband is currently doing well - but how will he be eight months from now? I love my son dearly and don't want to disrupt the most important day of his life.
The question is am I being selfish by not wanting to share our home with strangers during the wedding?
trish-of course you don't know what your husband will be like eight months from now. You also don't need the added stress of house guests. This might be a good time to explain the disease to your family.
Trish, To answer your question, NO! you are not being selfish. I would think it would be stressful having strangers stay at your home, even if your husband didn't have dementia. You are right, in 8 months you have no idea what your husband will be like. I am with bluedaze, this might be a good time to explain dementia to your family & how things can change on a dime.
Personally, I would be under enough stress with an AD husband and a son getting married. I wouldn't think of entertaining 3 people in my home who were not close friends or close family. But, then again, I seldom have overnight company so not experienced in that.
I think it's time for a serious chat with your son and his fiance. They need to understand your concerns, who knows, they may come up with a creative solution and all this worry could be for nothing!
Over the years, we've had many people stay with us we hadn't known before. Now we don't have so much room. BUT if we did, and the request was made of us w/hb as he is now and not knowing what he'll be like in 8 months, I'd probably follow moorsb's suggestion. And, even now, in our smaller house, I'd prefer only family as they understand and are used to the way he wanders "conversationally" and up & down during the night. Might frighten a guest to hear him or see him out and about in the middle of the night:)
Trish, I would say no. I totally agree with everyone who has said that in 8 months who knows how your husband will be feeling. He could be as he is now or he could experience some changes. This disease is totally unpredictable. We don't know from day to day how things will be. I can say from my experience just this month that with the excitement of our eldest girl's return visit from Cape Town South Africa for 4 days and then the very next day his 2 brothers came for a 4 day visit, by the time everyone left he was, to use his words, "done in". I had not seen him so tired like this. It took a couple days to recoup and he is also in the rather early phase where he can be social but there have to be limits. I think you need to have a very frank discussion with your son and his bride to be about this. There seems to be a great deal they do not understand not only about this disease but what it puts on you as a caregiver, DH early phase notwithstanding. Also, I would not be comfortable, under the best of circumstances, were this my situation, having 3 people I don't know in my home. If you are hosting the rehearsal at your home, be it catered or otherwise, you are going to have a very full plate and DH is may become somewhat confused and upset by all the activity. You and he and your son and his new bride don't need this. A dinner for 35 to 50 people is a lot of activity, lots of folks coming and going and helpers etc. I think you and your DH would be best served by keeping things as simple and calm as possible . While the minister and his wife and friend may be very nice people, they may not understand the ramifications of how this much activity, happy though it should be, could pose for your Dh and your first obligation is to him.
Trish, if it is a question of finances, are there motels nearby that your son could pay for for the minister, his wife and roomate? If it is financial, that would be the solution I would pick (even if I had to help pay!). I would explain that your husband's AD would make it hard for him to have so many guests on top of all of the activities. That it is too much for his mind to cope with at once.
Thanks for your comments on my dilemma. I do tend to shelter the kids from the reality of this disease. My husband's confusion increases if we go out of town or if he is over stimulated, so having company will probably be to much for him. I'll talk to my son and future DIL about the minister staying in a hotel (or possibly at my son's apartment). I'm sure my son thought we could save money by having them stay with me.
I tend to "stress" out before having company and I realize hosting dinner at our home will be a lot to take on. I'm going to see how my husband is doing later in the year and leave the option of catering the event open
trish--another thought. The minister, wife, and friend could use on's apartment, and have son stay with you for that time. They would have a bit more privacy, your son could be tuned in a bit more about his Dad just by being around, and less stress on you. As a back upplan, does your church have an area large enough to hold the dinner (catered) if it would be too hard on your DH to have it at our home? Just a contingncy plan. I think I'd want to keep the pre-wedding hoopla to a minimum for him, so he is abletobe "up" for the wedding.
Trish, I think carosi is on to something. Earlier I mentioned catering not knowing how the dinner would be done. I think the idea of hosting the pre- wedding party at the church hall, if your church has one, would be a great idea. You mentioned how you get stressed out before having guests. I can identify with that!! That being said, coupled with all the goings on during a wedding celebration, would it be possible to have the dinner catered at the church hall? The catering service can set up, tear down and as for the menu items, that is something you can work with them on. Then all you and your DH have to do is dress for the event and enjoy it. You need to reduce the stress load as much as possible during this happy but hectic time. The over stimulation for an AD patient can result in an unknown response. In these 8 months prior to the wedding is it possible for your son and future DIL to visit for a long weekend? I would think such a visit prior to the wedding celebrations would be useful in helping them to understand what you are tasked to do just in the routine of a "normal" day quite apart from the type of events surrounding a large gathering and wedding celebration the following day.
I agree with everything that others have said about finding ways to reduce stress for both you and your husband. That said, I also think the minister, his wife, and the friend would probably prefer to stay in a motel or somewhere they would have more privacy. Just as it is stressful to host strangers, it is stressful to be strangers staying in someone else's home, especially during a busy time.
I thought about having our son stay with us the night before the wedding. Currently he is finishing up college and will be moving back to our house for a few months before getting an apartment. I'll have a talk with him after graduation (next week) about the minister’s accommodations.
I'm sure all here have witnessed the financial toll AD has caused. We are living on less than half of our 2006 income. I've been blessed to put two through college without loans. It has been unfortunate that the youngest child (our son) has been given the least due to our dwindling income. I feel guilty about not giving him an equal share. I was trying to cut the costs of the rehearsal dinner so we could contribute to his honeymoon with the money saved.
Currently my husband is more social able when we entertain in our home. If we go out to he is ready to leave after an hour or so, which is one of the reasons I'd like to have this in our home. I will ask if the church has a hall in case thing change.Thanks for all the suggestions!
I can understand about the feeling more secure at home and in turn being more social. I wonder if you might be able to try a little testing of your DH's response to a group at your home. If the pre wedding party is to be buffet style, perhaps you could host a small evening with some friends in a buffet style to see how DH will respond to this situation. Perhaps do a couple of these events. It could help with the decision to do the party at your home or at the church hall.
As to the = shares thing..as parents we all hope to be able to do that for our kids. I have found that it is not so much in terms of $$$ as it is it time spent. Maybe my story will help you understand what I mean. My own parents spent far more time with my younger brother and his family than with mine..why I don't know. But when they finally got around to spending time at all with me, it was when they were elderly and ill. So I don't have the videos of happy times as an adult with them..and when my brother brought out his videos to see after our mom died of AD, I got up and walked out. When he asked why I said these are YOUR memories not mine. I don't have any with them as an adult in my home. I was reduced to begging them to come visit and what memories I have are of being in the caregiving role.
So it is not the amount of money you are able to spend on college educations or honeymoons that will be the meaningful thing to the kids..it is the time you share with them, the things they will remember doing with you and dad they will cherish. My folks put my younger brother through higher education and law school. I went in the service..and my higher education didn't cost them a cent. And I don't begrudge what they did for my brother. I do have the other issues to do with favoritism. So if you can help with the honeymoon, that would be very nice but if you can't don't beat yourself up about that. And if you have to cut back because of finances for a pre wedding dinner or get together, be honest with your son about this. If he is half the young man we think he is, he will understand and agree that his dad, your DH is YOUR first obligation and you are happy to do what you can to celebrate this wonderful milestone in his life..but you have your limits as to what you can do be it hosting at your house, having over night guests, whatever the situation. It is so hard when we want to be even in all ways with our kids but life and circumstances sometimes prevent that. You know, when my favorite aunt in the whole world died suddenly and word was going around about all the nieces and nephews being remembered in her estate, and I had not been included, when one cousin said they should contest this, I said to stay out of it. She was free to do with her estate as she chose and perhaps being the adopted kid she felt things should go to the blood kin. I said that what I had with her no one else shared and that was time..I took care of her and shared wonderful times with her and those memories are beyond any amount of money and I am at peace with that. In the end I was not only remembered in her estate, I was the only one remembered with her child hood name...MIMI... I hope this helps a little. Whatever you choose to do in the end, if you are at peace with it then it will be the right thing to do. Blessings.
Mimi, thanks for sharing your story. I had somewhat the same thing happen in my adult life. I finally had a therapest tell me that I could have a good happy relationship with my mother if I stopped expecting "mother" things and started building a relationship as I would with a dear neighbor. I followed this advice and it worked great. I also cared for my mother through an illness.
Trish, I agree with you as we generally can't predict what they might do in the next minute. I can't schedule to babysit my grandchildren for two hours during the following week as I don't know what DH will be like. I don't want them around him when he is angry and ranting about something. This has really put a damper on my relationship with my daughter as she feels the need to schedule everything in advance. I ask her to just pop by for visits and stay for a while if things are going ok. She still doesn't think that anything is wrong with DH. She tells me that she belives me but she can't see it.
Plan for Son to handle it a different way. You can always change the plans later.