As you know, my DW is in an ALF in Tulsa where our children are living. We were in LR, Ar and I have sold our home there and moved to Tulsa to be close to her. My problem now is that I haven't told DW that I have bought a house here. I mean, she knows that I am going to move here, but, she doesn't know that it is now. I know that I must tell her, but, if I tell her that I have a house here, she will want to go to it and then won't go back to the ALF. It just tears me up for her to cry and beg me to keep her with me and I have to keep reminding myself that I couldn't take care of her any longer. She is doing better while she is in the facility, but, she gets confused and agitated when she is taken out even to go to the Dr.
I must tell her that I live here and I am going to have to tell her soon that she can't come home. Should I have a Dr tell her that or should me and the kids tell her or what? How have some of you handled this?
She has quite saying that she wants to go home, but, now says that she wants to go with me without even asking where I am going. She also asks how long she is going to be in the facility.
I obviously don't like dealing with this and I know that I am not very good at it. but, I do know where to go for advice.
dean, why tell her? Just continue with your routine, and personally I see no need to upset her over something she has no control over or any need to know. It would just upset her more for no good reason that I can see.
I agree with lmohr*. There is no need to tell her anything. She will become confused and later forget it anyway. IF she asks, just tell her you are staying with the kids. Remember that you cannot reason with an AD patient. It will end in arguments and frustration for both of you. Then remember the the two D's of Alzheimer's Disease - Distract and Divert. Distract her with another activity, and divert her attention.
Why MUST you tell her? It seems it would only lead to more questions and confusion. When she asks 'how much longer' make up something like 'the doctor said until we see how the meds work.' What do you think is the kindest lie you can tell her to make her feel safe and know she is still loved? I will also tell you that many times after we place our LO in a facility, they eventually come to think of it as where they live. I once brought DH back home and he had no idea where we were. His home was now the facility. Broke my heart, but it was the best thing for him all around.
I agree with Imohr. Our problem is that we still think that they understand what we are saying. I still find myself trying to reason or explain something to him. Didn't work this morning and is not going to work tonight. Mine is still saying he doesn't like living here and he wants to move back to C--man and that is where we are living. We had moved to NW Florida where the children live. He was not happy and wanted to move back home. So, as a good wife, we sold our home and moved back 4 years ago. We had only been back 3 months when I knew something was wrong. Long story short he is now about stage 6 and still wants to move to C. I should have stayed in Fl. like I wanted to where I had some support.
Bama: Its good to hear from you again. My kids and my DW's sister have sure helped with her since she has been here. Part of their arguement was to move her over here so they could help me with her and they sure have. That is something to be thankful for.
Thanks to all of you for your comments. They are very helpful.
I also agree, I would say nothing about having a house. I never mention home to my husband...really, I don't think he knows home from the ALF. Even when I thought I was going to need to bring him home, I never mentioned it.
dean-- I agree with everyone else. Now that you are moved use this time to settle in, develop a routine of visiting your DW, and other family members, but also take time to rest and start doing some things for yourself. You are her Caregiver and still must look out for her best interests, but you now have a team to help, freeing you to look out for dean too.