If you think there truly isn't any way to get your husband to do anything sensible, then I'd recommend that you see an elderlaw attorney on your own, explain the situation, and ask what you can do to protect yourself. Things are a LOT easier when our spouses cooperate ...
Sometimes, it's been possible to simply say that you BOTH need to prepare DPOAs -- it's simply good, common sense. You can then revoke the one you give to him, without telling him. It should be possible to get Advance Health Care Directives prepared for both of you, without making it clear it's because you have specific concerns about his recent diagnosis.
You may be able to get a trust or will drawn up that way, too. But I do think that the attorney who draws it up should have the MCI firmly in mind! and it might be much better to meet privately to discuss those issues so that you understand them, before you get your husband involved.
Presenting the need for these documents as "protection for the future" may be more acceptable to him. A DPOA is, or can be set up, such that it is only effective if 2 specified types of Dr. say the person is no longer able to take care of things. The person holding the DPOA can't just do things or take over any old time.
Also, here in Michigan, one spouse does not necessarily automatically have the right to sign for the other. When DH's mother had a stroke and was in the hospital and could not understand and sign for her care, the hospital filed to have a Guardian declared. If a family member had not agreed to do it, the court would have appointed a "stranger" to be in charge of ALL her affairs--medical, financial, etc.
Your LO might not like that possibility enough to agree to you having his DPOA.
When we did our wills about 12 years ago, the lawyer at that time also drew up POA documents for us each to sign at that time. They are filed away in the safe with our will to be used when needed.
I stated it to my DH as something "WE" needed to do so that our kids would not be burdened with all this. We named each other as our agents with one of our adult children as the secondary.
DH accepted that and it was never presented to him that he was "incapable." Shhhh! Until after it was already done. LOL. There are some things I had to make him stop doing and telling him why was sometimes a very hard necessity.
When my husband was in stage 4, he began to hit the wrong things on the computer and he would add and delete things. I was always having to fix it and "restore" it to the previous day, I decided that the time had come to get me a laptop so that I would always have access to Joan's place!!!! It's one of the best decisions I made! My daughter and grandson now use the desktop, and I can be here when I have time without bothering them!
With all the discussions on CATS/DOGS I think its bad enough we have to deal with the loss of our spouses to AD-point being if you dont have a pet- go get one!! soo many of us have them and they have been our comfort blankets thru this journey!! as our spouses fade our pets are there for us to love and comfort us and give us company. Divvi
I agree. I can't explain how much pleasure and joy Noche` is to us. He seems to know when DH needs him to sit on his lap. He just hope up there like he'd bought and paid for that lap. Turns around a couple of times and rolls up into a ball and taks a good nap. DH generally falls alseep as well and they both will sleep for 3-4 hours. Seems like a long time to me but it's a beautiful, peaceful scene.
I'd also like to have a little dog. Maybe I'll go vist the shelter when we return from our trip in mid-April. :)
Wow! So much good advice and some good laughs too! I adopted two kittens (baby brothers) from our shelter. They bring laughter and joy into our home. They demand attention from my DH and they also curl up and nap with him. It's wonderful. I highly recommend getting two siblings!
Do not feel guilty for the decisions you are going to have to make on your spouse's behalf. You will know in your mind and heart that you are doing the best you can for him/her even though these decisions are not what you want to do at the time. You will have those of us here at Joan's place to support you through these difficult times.
When we first suspect our spouses of having dementia, and we get a confirmed diagnosis, we try to learn everything we can concerning Alzheimer's in order to know what to do, what to plan, and try to organize things. Your very first lesson is you need to learn is that you can't organize Alzheimer's, nor can you truly be prepared. Add two new words to your vocabulary to help YOU: BE FLEXIBLE. You and your spouse will be better for it.
You are right on..Mary. And..I knew that! But still, I thought if I looked long enough and worked with him enough, I could still make a miracle occur in his particular case.... I read about every trial, every drug, every therapy, - and the hardest thing I had to accept after a YEAR was that I couldn't do anything to stop this hideous disease's progress. It was like trying to "hold moonbeams in my hand". I had a very hard time during year two, incredibly depressed, angry at every "well couple" I saw having fun, angry with my children for saying they didn't see anything different in him or that "he spoke perfectly fine" to them on the phone.. Then came the acceptance phase...in year 3-4. Now, it's taking life a day at a time without worrying what's coming around the corner. Yes, I've become flexible in my attitude, but stiff as a board when I try to bend down to pick something up! :-) I have neglected myself and my body - caring for him. So, now I have to remember RULE NO. 2. Take care of your own self!!!!!
This is one of the best threads in this whole site - new people, read up!!!
I just was going through last Christmas' cards (actually 2007 too), to pull off the fronts for crafts for my grand daughter, etc, and I saw so many of them saying "I hope your husband is getting better.." - 2007 was the first time I mentioned dementia in our notes. HA!
Nancy B. sounds like me. I played games. Tried to get him to talk about books,movies, the Sunday sermon, etc. All trying to get his cognition fired up.
That was almost 3 years ago.
Today I was putting the Exelon Patch on his back. I asked him if he knew why he wore it. He said "No. I thought it was just something you wanted me to wear. What is it for?"
It's for your memory, I responded.
"They how come I wear it? I don't have a memory problem.
I think we're married to the same man!. :-) .................. or else, AD is creating clones of all the victims. I cannot tell you how many AD patients I saw on my vacation to south Florida. In the Yacht Club, restaurants, the hospital ER where I had my arm/elbow treated.. It's "THE look!" "THE shuffling walk!" They may have different names, different faces, but they are just alike in so many other ways. I am sure we can all agree, that we could diagnose many people without the complicated MMSE, xrays, blood tests, etc. How sad.
I used to call it the "Sebring shuffle", and thought that all old people walked that way, until my dw got eoad.....it is a common gait here in sunny fl, and I thought it was attributed to the hot weather and old age.....boy am I wrong
DH has started to shuffle. He doesn't pick up his feet at all. Today, I was working in the rose bed. He sat in a chair and watched me work. I asked him to drag the hose over to the rose bed. He just didn't really know what I wanted. And, silly me, thought it was a simple request. I vascilated between being irritated and sad about the loss.
Mawzy, that story about DH sitting watching you do gardening work really hits home! My DH used to be an avid gardener and always wanted me out there with him but I was not nearly as keen. We bought this house because it has a huge yard. When he started to lose interest (more than a year ago now) I was afraid we would soon have to move, since all those flower beds etc. need a lot of care. I'm glad I didn't make any hasty decisions, though, because now I find I need the gardening as a therapy for myself. It's a great way to get outdoors, get some exercise, and I find it restful and satisfying. DH (approaching the hovering stage) will usually say he's not coming out but after a few minutes he'll be there, and is willing to cut weeds or sticks into smaller pieces and cart my refuse to the compost heap. At first I couldn't stand it when he sat and watched -- especially when I'm mowing lawn which is really his job but he gives up after 15 minutes and puts the lawn mower back in the shed -- but I've learned to accept it, like so much else, and be glad when he's contented. So perhaps the lesson here is really: don't stick to old role patterns, but look for the advantages in each new stage of the situation. I did make an important decision about the yard work: it's available as therapy for both of us but I won't consider it an obligation. If it gets messy and overgrown (and parts of it have, already), so be it. Let the next owners worry about it. Also, accept any help that's going. Some guy friends and our sons are glad to come over occasionally and help with the big jobs. Keep a list of things that helpers can do when they come.
#__ I have said before, on other threads, but still think it is worth repeating. Keep your loved one HAPPY!!!! as much as you can. Especially when it means that it is not your preferance to look at more family pictures. Just do it. The more time you can keep you LO Happy, I'll assure you that we will all be happier. Take them out of the house if it makes them happy!!! Go to movies!! Eat out, If momma ain't happy, aint' nobody happy!!!!! #__ Get a business card that says "Thank you for being patient with my (wife/hsband, mother, dad). She/He has Alzheimer's" I have had trememdous success with handing this card out and not even one bad experience. #__Don't always assume that your LO can read. My DW has not been able to read, tell time, know names, etc. for several years. Now in #6.
# ___I've found that providing success experiences is one of the best mood-boosters. Set up situations in which LO will be able to do something successfully and then praise him/thank him for doing it. Anything from opening a pickle jar, peeling potatoes, fetching the mail from the mailbox, getting something out of a cupboard that's too high for me. # ___And, conversely, try to avoid putting LO into a situation where he will be sure to fail. I try to remember not to ask about the score of the tennis match he's watching (he won't be able to tell me) but just to ask if Federer is doing well (he always has an opinion about that). Not to ask him to go and find something in the grocery store but just to grab that soda that he likes when I've moved the cart right up beside it. We no longer take alternative routes when cycling somewhere because he won't know the way. I let him cycle on ahead, going only to places he knows. That way he can lead the way (he always has) and keep me informed (!) about when we're going to turn right or left and warn me about obstacles on the bike paths (for which I am always very grateful).
I wish I knew then.... to appreciate and value what we still had in the earlier stages.
I wish I had been able to see through the frustration of those stages to see....that those times, WERE the good times.
I think the hardest learned lesson for me was acceptance. Acceptance of what will never be again.
Once you truly know and understand that..... TODAY IS THE BEST IT IS EVER GOING TO BE.... you develop better coping skills. A new look on life so to speak. You learn to treasure today for the gift it most assuredly is.
Nikki and Nancy B, we would all do well to remember that and I'm trying....really, I am. I find myself feeling so bad because we can't travel anymore but, gosh, we still lead a pretty normal life here at home.
Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain > > Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio > > > "To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 > > lessons life taught me. > > It is the most-requested column I've ever written. > > My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the > > column once more:" > > > > 1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good. > > > > 2. When in doubt, just take the next small step. > > > > 3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. > > > > 4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. > > Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch. > > > > 5. Pay off your credit cards every month. > > > > 6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree. > > > > 7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone. > > > > 8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it. > > > > 9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck. > > > > 10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile. > > > > 11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present. > > > > 12. It's OK to let your children see you cry. > > > > 13. Don't compare your life to others. You have > > no idea what their journey is all about. > > > > 14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it. > > > > 15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But > > don't worry; God never blinks. > > > > 16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind. > > > > 17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful, or joyful. > > > > 18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger. > > > > 19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. > > But the second one is up to you and no one else. > > > > 20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, > > don't take no for an answer. > > > > 21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, and wear > > the fancy lingerie. Don't save them for a special > > occasion. Today is special. > > > > 22. Over-prepare, and then go with the flow. > > > > 23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple. > > > > 24. The most important sex organ is the brain. > > > > 25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you. > > > > 26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words, > > "In five years, will this matter?" > > > > 27. Always choose life. > > > > 28. Forgive everyone everything. > > > > 29. What other people think of you is none of your business. > > > > 30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time. > > > > 31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change. > > > > 32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does. > > > > 33. Believe in miracles. > > > > 34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of > > anything you did or didn't do. > > > > 35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it > > now. > > > > 36. Growing old beats the alternative--dying young. > > > > 37. Your children get only one childhood. > > > > 38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved. > > > > 39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere. > > > > 40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone > > else's, we'd grab ours back. > > > > 41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you > > need. > > > > 42. The best is yet to come. > > > > 43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up, and show up. > > > > 44. Yield. > > > > 45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift. > > > Friends are the family that we choose for ourselves. > > >
Remember that today is the first day of the rest of your life and try to make to most of it. Be glad that you woke up and are able to get up and about. Call a friend sometime this day just to ask how they are, and if they should ask how they can help, ask then to come over for (coffe, tea, soda, etc.) the next day. Don't plan too far ahead.
Build up walls to protect yourself, because your spouse will continue to decline, whether fast or slow, the decline is a one-way street. Prepare yourself emotionally.
If you take on one major project, finish it before starting another. If you don't, with your caregiver duties and additional workload of his/her duties on top of it, you will stress yourself out. Remember, one thing at a time. And don't be shy asking favors from friends and relatives - especially those nice enough to say "is there anything I can do?"
My DH would love to eat dessert first. I know what you mean by the fact that life is unpredictable. I have really learned a lot from these points that everyone has given. I can't think of anything to add right now, they were all so good. I agreed with all of them and I have experienced over half of them already. Thank you so much for all of your hard earned advice and I will always benefit from it. The biggest problem he had today is he couldn't remember what day it was and that was really confusing him. I think I told him at least 4 times. He acted like he didn't believe me.
GET OUT while everybody thinks there's nothing wrong with him! I remember before the DX journey began in ernest saying to my sister, "I don't know whether to hope he's sick or that he's a rotten husband."
okay okay i just couldn't resist this morning already full of irritations.
Terry, at first i thought you meant "Get out of the house." And I think we SHOULD do that more while it's still possible, even if LO does not like it one bit. (I'm going to try doing this myself, starting this week!)
It is interesting that the last real post was a GET OUT OF THE HOUSE post.
I want to second that. One of the things I did wrong was to stop having a life. Part of it was how my husband was diagnosed. He was in cognitive therapy for 6 months. And the mornings he was in therapy were the same mornings I normally went to the local clubhouse and did things with the other ladies who live here. So I lost that even before diagnosis. And I didn't start up new things. And I didn't have many friends here because we had recently moved. My daughter, who does come to see us and does try to help, lives 2 hours away.
Especially if your LO has other meds besides the AD meds, It can be much more efficient to get the PCP to prescribe the AD meds along with everything else, even if the AD meds and inti-depressants etc. were first prescribed by a neurologist. (Without this site, I would never have thought of asking).
Now, that is smart. DH only takes his AD meds so there's no problem there. However, I take several prescriptions and I had quite a time getting them to all come at roughly the same time. I spend aboaut 30 minutes each Tuesday morning filling up our AM/PM med boxes. We each have one. Works just fine. I highly recommend that approach. :)
Otherwise, you have to get those dang things filled all the time. Also, if I may, prescriptions by mail is the only way to go. Beats standing in line every month at WalMart. And I'm all for consolidating everything possible.
Mawzy -- about the care consultant -- rather then neurologist's office, I should have said Neurology Dept at the academic hospital where we go. And this position, I understand, is rather new even there, so you may not find it at every hospital. (May be just a Dutch thing, too, I'm not sure).
We have a Clinical Psychologist who offices in the same suite of offices as our Neurologist. She is - indeed - a Care Consultant...plus more. She lets me come in for an hour or so at a time and talk, (more early on)..and whether or not it is kosher, she even gives me an hour or so on the telephone, when I cannot manage to get down to the medical center in Houston.
She has given me courage, she understands the pain, she's seen the decline in so many good people and what this disease does to relationships, both between husband and wife...and children and their AD parent. She's been a Godsend in my life...and she never bills me for one minute of our meetings. It was included in the cost of the Neurologist's care for my husband. I didn't care for the Neurologist, but she was worth a million dollars a day! Her name is Dr. Mary Kenan - Baylor College of Medicine.
Incidentally, she was one of the writers of the book "Alzheimer's for Dummies".. quite by accident. The other woman got permission to write it, got in over her head, called Dr. Kenan, who wrote it... and the other woman got the initial credit. Go figure. She just shrugged and shook her head. She said the other woman had so many errors in the transcript, she couldn't let it go out like that with her name involved.
I'm bringing this topic back to the first page for the new people here at Joan's....we've learned SO MUCH over the last three years, and the advice given here is the best of the best. Start at the beginning and just read and absorb!!!!
Add to this for those in stage 7, get a gel seat for your spouse to sit on, because the blood flows down and causes "bruises" and they can get uncomfortable from sitting all the time.