It took me a long time to realize that I had to make my own happiness and not look to him for that as he progressed deeper and deeper into the disease. I have learned to be happy with whatever he is capable of at the time during our journey. At one point, he could still hug and kiss me so I enjoyed that. While he could still dance with me I would dance around the room with him. When he could take my hand and kiss it, I enjoyed that. Now, in stage 7, if his face lights up and he focuses on me when I go to see him, that makes me happy.
We are each in charge of our own happiness, it is up to us to find moments that make us happy in each day. Unfortunately, a lot of those happy moment won't include them any more. What makes me happy now are the antics of my animals, watching a movie I enjoy, going out with friends, taking a walk with the dogs, working in my garden, etc.
Well...I got my very first Rx for an SSRI today. We'll see how that goes!* Meanwhile, it is simply a matter of appreciating what you CAN do. We can both enjoy: eating lunch out, taking a train trip in the Fall, reading Bill Bryson aloud (I read,) visiting family. As long as I can take him out and about, I can entertain both of us, despite the loss of conversational depth. When home begins to be the only place for him...well...then it will be time to re-evaluate.
* edit: terrible. Lexapro gave me horrible nausea, fatigue and hot flashes. So much for that 2 day experiment.
Well, I like it when he is manageable, puts on the clothes I put out for him, BRUSHES HIS TEETH, takes his medicine, gets in the van to day care. But what makes me happiest is when I have events in the future to look forward to.
Going to see the grandchildren on May 5th, IF I can get him tot he airport and on the plane, if he is calm and quiet on the plane (now THAT will make me happy) and if the volcanoes have simmered down by then. And if he's friendly and nice to DIL and to the grandchildren.
Today I got the news that we are definitely registered for a vacation sponsored by the Dutch Alz Association. It sounds great. nothing very exciting but a week at a hotel in the country with activities for LOs and caregivers. Not till June but another something to look forward to. IF he'll cooperate about getting there, sleeping there and not plead with me to go home every hour. Now do I think he can do all that? (not really but even SOME of it will make me happy)
First of all, seeing one or all of my grandchildren makes me the happiest, as well as my children, but mostly my grandchildren.....An occasional night or day out makes me happy, a good movie I can rent, a good book (one of my favorite things - reading), watching my flowers grow, going out to lunch with my sister, even just driving along a beautiful road on the way to go shopping. I agree with therrja. I guess we have to make our own happiness now, even though sometimes we forget and wish for what once was.
Now that my husband goes to day care I have some time to do things that I enjoy. There is a beautiful nature park that has a manmade lake and waterfalls which I love where I can just enjoy watching the swans, geese and ducks swimming around and the turtles sunning themselves on rocks and listen to the waterfalls. I find it very relaxing to just sit and clear my mind. I also like to take longer car rides on roads that run through the woods on either side without having to explain every few minutes what we are doing. I can now meet my daughter for lunch when she can and once a week I have lunch with my parents.
Right now, for me, just having non-stressful silence around me makes me happy and a better caregiver to my husband.
I was swimming this morning with a friend (the only time all week that I leave him at home alone but so far it was worked fine). RIght now I'm having coffee and letting my hair dry while he's sitting here beside me looking through some stuff on my desk. We watched a slide show with pictures of old Rotterdam that his brother sent. He seems so calm and for once is not agitating to go somewhere. I had to stop myself from jumping up and offering options of places to go, got to learn to enjoy these moments when they occur.
right now, and ever since he broke his hip (a month ago today) he has known who I am. I don't know how much longer that will last, but it absolutely makes me happy.