I have met a new caregiver and told him about Joan's and our discussions. We talked, along with his grown daughter, for quite some time and he wanted to make certain that the things they were doing were the right things, and that what his wife was doing was part of the AD. I assured him that they were, and made a few suggestions, and asked him to come here and look for these discussions. I have started the two topics of his larger concerns, this being the major one.
He and his adult daughter, who comes to their house several times a week to help out, have a major problem in dealing with the AD wife. The AD wife puts on layers of clothing, but doesn't want to take any off. She doesn't want to shower, has passed the point of keeping her hair nice and wearing make-up. The daughter spent an hour and a half getting her mother out of the layers of clothing and into the shower. She doesn't want to shower any more and refuses. This has become routine. Neither can figure out a way to work around this without making the AD wife angry. I suggested bribery, as several of us have done....candy bars, or going out for lunch, or going to a movie, or anything that would work.
Have any of you found better ways to get around the over-dressing and refusing to shower issues?
On my home page - www.thealzheimerspouse.com - there is a resource on the left hand side titled "Caregiver Tips". It is alphabetical. Under "bathing", there is a link to an excellent article. If you want to copy and paste, here is the address - http://www.healthyplace.com/alzheimers/grooming/bathing-alzheimers-patient/menu-id-56/
Also, there is a big discussion on these boards about bathing and showering. You can look for it in the "search" feature, but I think the article I mentioned is simpler to navigate.
My hb also layers clothes, and I don't care at this point--unless we're going out someplace and the layers "show." He also doesn't want to shower (quite a switch from his before vas dem days). I also let that go for a few days and then do the bribery bit. What scheming spouses we become.
If your DW is able to navigate the tub offer a bubble bath. John stubbornly refused a shower but the bubblebath delighted him. What little girl or boy wouldn't pefer a bubblebath over a shower? xox cs
We too go the bubblebath route. Works for us. I have to get in with him but we have a big tub and it has become a fun bedtime (HIS bedtime, not mine) routine. About every other night.
the home helth aide came yesterday, to shower him, and he absolutely refused. then he blamed me for it. He will not bathe, and he's incontinent so I'm afraid he'll get bedsores. And now, with the broken hip, I don't dare try it with no help. Just a wipedown is all I can do. the good news is now that he's incontinent, He will change his clothes once a day, in the morning, because that's when he's wet.
Home Health comes twice a week to bathe DH and he really hates it. I wait until a few minutes before they come to tell him. I explain that the doctor ordered it and that it really helps me to have them do it. I also tell him that this is their job and they need to work to feed their children and pay the bills. He seems to remember long enough to let them get through and sometimes remembers to thank them. Of course, I always hand him a candy bar and that removes his mad at me face.
maybe allowing the aide who bathes them to give them the candy bar prior to bathing or during would entice them into being more cooperative with them? in my opinion its better now for them to bond with the one doing the bathing! i have noticed since i have a male hospice aide now, DH just seems to cooperate better for him and does things faster for him now they are bonding and i am not in the picture. divvi
My DH is also reluctant to shower, but I've been able to work around his resistance calmly and he eventually gives in to me. However, he has started a new behavior that really has me frustrated. At bedtime I always say, "Ok, it's time for bed," and we go upstairs. I always have his pjs folded on the couch in the den and tell him to take his clothes off and put his pjs on. He has always done this, but lately, he insists he doesn't want to take his clothes off and belligerantly holds on to them if I try to assist, and acts as if I'm trying to steal them. I try to explain he has to put on his pjs because he can't sleep in his clothes, but he doesn't seem to understand. And, while usually compliant, it looks like he could become very hostile. He gets a very angry rigid look on his face. I don't know how to handle this. He's also very protective of his money, and when he finally got into his pjs, he slipped his money in his pocket and slept with it. I had a melt-down last night and began to cry with frustration, but that didn't seem to move him at all. Normally, before AD, he would be upset if he saw me so distressed. (Not that I had any melt-downs ... we had such a warm loving relationship ... and oh how I miss that.
Soooooooooooo, I don't know what to do. Should I let him sleep in his clothes? Can anyone give me some advice on how to handle this new situation???? I'm lost and scared.
PatL....changing clothes so often becomes a real battle in this disease. My husband spent days in clothes sometimes.....I put up with it until I could stand it no longer and then it was just as you describe. I had to sometimes cut clothes off of him...it was awful.
You may want to talk to his doctor about a med change...it might make him more compliant...but most of the AD affecteds I know get to point where changing clothes and bathing are hot button issues.
I did not have the clothes changing problem to adjust to but after it got to be a extra chore for me, I let him sleep in his clothes. Same way with my Mom. We just did a 24 hour period but it was a big help to me to go from 2 changes a day to 1. By this time they were both in sweat pants in winter and shorts in summer. We sometimes have to choose our battles and make things as easy for the caregiver as we can. Going for days without showering would be a hugh battle for me.
On nights when we don't have a bath, dh always sleeps in his dress shirt. Then he keeps it on the next day. THere is NO WAY I can get him to change it. He is very belligerent if I try to insist, just as you describe. Pat. So I let it go. Fortunately he is pretty good with letting me spray him with deoderant. If I want him neat and clean to go somewhere, we have to have a bath the night before. After he gets in the tub I take away all his clothes except for a pajama top that we call his "sleeping shirt." I bought these pj's that look quite a bit like the blue striped shirts he likes to wear (he won't wear any other color.) He has always refused to wear pjs and used to sleep naked. In the morning I put out a clean shirt but I have to be there when he gets out of bed to remind him to take off the "sleeping shirt" or he will try to put on his pants and sweater vest on top of the PJ's. The difficulty with changing clothes is one reason that he won't help in the yard anymore. He always has his good clothes and shoes on. and refuses to change. The very idea seems frightful to him.
When my dh was still home he always slept in an undershirt and his briefs. BUT THAT WALLET!. He would stick it down in his briefs. That just about drove me crazy. Sometimes at the NH he doesn't want them to get him ready for bed. One of the aides told me that they tell him "Your wife is coming later and if she sees you in dirty clothes, she's going to be upset". And, just like a child, he'll get ready for bed then. Maybe if you told the same thing to your dh but just said that "somebody" was coming later.
Thanks for all the responses, my computer friends. It's so good to connect with people who know what I'm talking about, who are experiencing the same problems. So, letting him sleep in his clothes sometimes is not so bad. He always slept in his briefs, but for the last couple of years he's been so cold that pjs were welcomed.
Carolyn, thanks for the laugh. THAT WALLET really put a smile on my face. I can just see him stuffing it down his briefs. If my DH ever does that I know it will be a moment to remember.
Briegull, no, he doesn't really handle money anymore. He has some in his picket with a money clip and is very protective of it. He pulls it in and out of his pocket all day. His wallet doesn't really have any current cards in it, except for his drivers license which is just for identity. But he's paranoid about it.
I am still working and have a gentlemen who stays with him from 9 - 5 every day. He's not incontinent so Jack is there just to make sure he doesn't fall down the stairs or wonder away. I'll be retiring in February of next year to take full charge. But I'm not thinking about what state he'll be in by then, beause I realize I have to take one day at a time.
Once again, thanks for being there and responding to my moment of anxiety.
Mine sleeps in his clothes. It's north worth arguing about. Once in a while I can get him into those lounging pajama bottoms. Then, if he wants to, he can wear them during the day and not look like he's walking around in his pj's, plus, they're comfortable and easy to take off and on.
Thank G-d for sweatpants and sweatshirts! My DH sleeps in them and wears them around the house. If we're going out he will change into street clothes, but if this becomes a problem later on, I'll let him continue with workout wear 24/7. I've bought him some of the workout shorts with elastic waists and matching tees--good alternative for the summer. Thankfully, you can go just about anywhere now (within reason) and look "normal" in workout clothing. For now he can still tie his Nikes, but later on I'll get him some of the athletic shoes with velcro closings.
I'm to the point of letting my husband wear his houseshoes (they look like loafers but are washable) everywhere. His shoes are heavy and he walks better in his houseshoes. He lets me dress him like I did our children when they were babies. He sleeps in his tee shirt and Depends (most of the time - he still takes them off sometimes, darn it!). But for bathing, he lets us undress him with no problem.
I have been buying sweat pants, and lighter weight knit pants for dick for ages. Got rid of the pants with the belts and zippers. they were all too big anyway. he gets dressed in the AM into knit pants and a button shirt and that's what he wears all day, til the next AM when I dress him again. I'm getting away with that because he's in depends now, and they must be changed in the morning. Stays dry most of the day, but they are wet in the morning. He sleeps in what he wore all day, doesn't go anywhere but to bed or to the sofa, so it's not like his clothes get dirty, and he always looks dressed. I never thought I would say this, butit is what it is and you can only do your best.
my DH slept in his clothes as well. trying to change into pjs' and then redress in the morning can be overwhelming to us both. i've bought nice lightweight sports sets for summer and the microfiber/velours for winter. and he also used a sllipper that looks like shoes. much more comfy on his feet. i dressed him in a suit for xmas and its the last time i put one on him. now hes in lounging pants with a matching color polo type shirt 24/7. the shoes were such an issue with my DH he wouldnt take his dress shoes off for nothing. beg borrow steal them was no use! i had to put a towel down on the end of the bed and let him sleep in his dress shoes for over a yr. then we switched to softer slippers that look like shoes and he still did it. that death grip on clothing to try to remove it is impossible. you go with the flow and if they refuse you try again later. its all in the name of our sanity. divvi
Mine wears pull-on pants and a knit shirt all day; at night we change depends and take the pants off,to be replaced with flannel pj pants. I have to remove pants because he wears a compression stocking and shouldn't wear that to bed. He's compliant, if noisy. By morning, pants and yesterday's shirt and tshirt are soaked, no matter the kind of depends. So laundry every couple of days.
Divvi---if your hubby wore his dress shoes for a year . . . surely at some point he took them off??? What about smell? My hubby has arthritic feet so buying comfortable shoes is always a challenge. Last year we found a brand (very expensive) that were so comfortable he wore them from the moment he got out of bed until he went back to bed. Well, he did take them off when he napped. He leaves his shoes in the hallway outside the bedroom. I started to smell a very musty mildewy smell in the bedroom . . . and when we were in the car together. He couldn't smell a thing and thought I was making it up until our daughter and son commented on the stink. I could not figure it out and then eventually (as it became stronger), I realized it was his shoes. The insoles were mildewed . . . threw them out . . . tried various products to get smell out of the shoes and was only partially successful. Now we've just bought a similar pair in a more casual style and he's wearing them all day. He's now inserted his prescribed orthotics (also pricey so don't want them to develop mildew) into new (and old) shoes. I keep suggesting he take shoes off to air them and also remove orthotics . . . occasionally he remembers to but most of the time, he doesn't. Plus he's never smelled the problem so I'm not sure he even believes his shoes smell. Anyone got any hints on getting rid of the smell? The first pair were a dress style and I'd hoped he could wear them this summer for our daughter's wedding. But maybe we will have to go and purchase a new pair $$$.
Marilyn, Maybe you should get the velcro tennis shoes now ...because when I tried to change Foster's shoes after he got worse, he insisted they were NOT HIS!.. You remember the story ...He put them in the trash because they were wet. (He peed on them). I was trying to get him out of his black leather dress shoes he wore every day and bought him top of the line , padded insole, leather Sperry Topsiders. Nope. By then, his memory told him his shoes were ONLY black leather Florsheims.