As some of you know my DH is in the early stages of Alz. Sometimes I wonder about that! Some of you also know his sister In Ohio has Alz a lot worse then my DH. It looks like we will be making the 12 hour trip to Ohio this weekend because chances are SIL is going to be evicted from the Seniors Apartment because of the hell raising and threats she made.
We have DPOA for my SIL. DH is listed first and I am second. He just doesn't get it about what he can or should do as Attorney-in-Fact. We went around again on it this afternoon for about the one hundreth time. He thinks for him to be removed from it and for me to take over there should be a separate paperwork!!!!!! The word APPOINTED is stuck in his head and says I would have to be appointed if he couldn't do it. I tried to tell him his sister already appointed me. Forget that, he doesn't see it that way. Then he asks what would be the reason he would be "out of it". I told him if he got too sick to make a decision then I would take over. Finally I told him we would just go see his sister's lawyer in Ohio and have him explain it.
I am dreading going to Ohio because his sister thinks they will let her stay in the apartment and neither he nor I think that will happen. So the next problem is getting her into assisted living without a big fight. She thinks her way is the only way and what she thinks is all that counts. I am ready to take her to the lawyer and have both my DH and myself removed from the DPOA. I just cannot handle both of them.
Well thanks for letting me vent. I know most of you are putting up with a lot worse things than I and I don't know how you can stand it.
dear jean21- I am so sorry for your burden. Having to care for and make decisions for more than one alz. patient is WAY too much stress for one person!!!! You will be in my prayers tonight. Hang in there girl!
Jean21, I am so sorry you are getting a double dose! I have been thinking about your situation since you first mentioned your problems, and understanding that I am an only child as is my husband, so relating to sisters and brothers is something that I have to look back at my parents and their siblings and how they took care of each other. There are others here who are great with advice, so hopefully they will check in as well. These are my suggestions.
What about this? Can you e-mail or call her attorney without your husband hearing, and arrange to take BOTH of them to him and have HIM explain to both of them that: (1) since your DH has AD, you are the one who will be making the decisions based on the DPOA for her, (2) due to her present situation, she is going to have to go to an ALF and you will help her get moved; and (3) that you will be listed as the contact at the ALF in case of an emergency, but that her attorney will need to be the new alternate on her DPOA for other issues (or someone else you and she trust) since you live so far away. However, if she chooses to move to an ALF in your town (NOT IN YOUR HOUSE), then you would be able to eventually have them in the same ALF so that they could be together later on.
Whether this is something that is even feasible, I don't know. He probably needs to know she is being cared for. I know you can't handle the burden of both of them, but if she were in your town, at an ALF or NH, your brother might feel better about it (I don't know how much of his memory is capable of remembering their relationship at this time). All you should have to deal with after she is placed in the ALF is the financial end of it, and you could have everything set up automatically. He could see her there and it might make his transition better later on when he needs to be there.
This could be the best or worse cases for you, and only suggestions. Even if she fights her attorney, you will have made every effort to help. You are in my prayers, Jean!
Mary, If you only knew my SIL. LOL. There is no way I would bring her here and my DH her BROTHER doesn't want her here either. She would drive both of us absolutley crazy. Actually she is doing a pretty good job now! Whenever my DH and SIL get together there is ALWAYS at least one big arguement. She has never listened to reason and it is just on a much larger scale with the Alz. I pray every night that she will be receptive to ALF when we get to Ohio. If she is I may collapse from shock.LOL. She can afford to pay for ALF but she won't want to. She begrudges paying for Meals on Wheels which I believe is only $3.00 a day. She thinks the hearing tomorrow is going to go her way and from all we have been told it isn't. She has also mentioned getting an apartment. There are at least 2 things wrong with that, 1.The rent would be more and she would have to pay for utilities. (Again too tight). Where she is now the utilities are included. 2. This may be the biggie, she does not need to be around other people without someone having some sort of control over her. Eventually the same thing would happen that has happened now and why she is going to be evicted. If you were to meet her for the first time you would think "What a nice woman". Then if you didn't do what she thinks you should do (for her benefit of course) you would see the other side in spades! Okay, anyone who reads this has probably figured out I DO NOT LIKE this woman. No I don't and have 42 years of reasons not to like her. If it wasn't for my DH I wouldn't even bother with her. I don't even know if she knows she has Alz and if she does what it does to people. She never did read anything that would be worthwhile. She doesn't even read the pharmacy papers that come with prescriptions. I know for a fact that there were times she doubled up on her husbands meds if he had missed a dose!!!!!! Then she was surprised if he got sick. You just CANNOT and NEVER could tell this woman anything, she knows it all. Sorry to rant again but this woman is going to drive me to an early grave or a padded cell. Thanks for your concern and suggestions. BTW, my DH thinks he is more capable than he really is and will make any decisions about his sister.
Jean, given your response, then I suggest that when you get there, if she gets evicted, take her to her attorney, let him tell her the facts of life, and get off of her DPOA ASAP! LOL
I wasn't really joking.....I guess I should have put a smiley face instead....to show I'm on your side, and we should always smile when we are making a big decision....that shows confidence that we are doing what we feel is the correct thing. :)
I am just venting (again). I seem to cope quite well for several days and then I just have to tell someone! Some days are just easier than others...Sooooooo - last week my husband calls me at work and asks if he can take the toy kitchen to the young family we are giving it to for their children. I say sure and remind him that we promised them the toy baby bed also. OK - he'll take care of it. Then he calls me back - he doesn't know where the bed is so I tell him it's upstairs in the study. Yesterday I go in the study and there's the baby bed so I remind him to take them the bed and he says "I did". AFter much discussion I find out that he took them MY little pink cradle that my father made for me when I was a tiny girl. It was nowhere near the study!!!!!!!!!! and he knows (or used to know) my father made it for me. He just says, "What difference does it make which toy bed we keep? You're not using it."
This morning I go down to breakfast room and find he has put rotten fruit on my bright yellow placemat and it is now stained black. I find his outdoor walking shoes on my kitchen counter. He is calling our nephew the wrong name most of the time now and they spent the weekend with us...I reminded him several times of the correct name - it just wouldn't stick. This morning he complains about the breakfast cereals in the cupboard "you know I don't like these. And I hate Cheerios!". I remind him that he's always loved Cheerios, bought huge boxes of them at Sam's, and might enjoy eating them (big mistake he yelled at me for awhile - why do I keep thinking rationality will work?). And this week he retires full time and will be home without me all day every day - I just keep wondering what's going to disappear? What is going to be ruined?