This comment was under a different thread, so I moved it to its own discussion. It's from Peggy.
joang
Comment Author peggy Comment Time1 hour ago edit delete Help... I have no idea which link to take but what I have happening with my DH is more like spite...I know that these victims are aware of jerking our chains... To digress.. I went away for 24 hours for some R&R...DH was OK with that... Called me twice while away,,the light bulb was out, then the toaster oven wouldn't work and lastly, the toaster would not work.... He didn't try turning any of them on... Having said that, in that short time, he contacted our investment advisor, had them ready to jump 20 floors..something he'd signed months ago now was news to him,, had it all screwed up and had a large check sent to HIM instead of Direct deposit...$$$$$$$.When it arrived the next day, he cradled it like lifes blood,, said it was his money and he'd carry it in his wallet... I am sweating bullets by then.. The last word was that he never cared for my personality and wanted me to go on being his equal, but not to act like it... That one hit me and I ceased being a caregiver and said I would divorce him and then he could take care of everything... Let us remember that he is totally blind,has terminal cancer and dementia, plus arthritis..When he got out of bed, He'd obviouly thought about this all night, again said he needed that Check to live on,, I invited him to enjoy it... My question,, What stage is THIS and Lord have mercy, does it continue..?This is third day of ranting and raging about something he never cared about before... I have done everything I can possibly to make his life happy and comfortable, He lacks for nothing...If one 24 hour R&R does all this, goodness why go away?? I welcome you advise and input....I believe this threat of divorce GOT his attention so I've left it that way.. I shifted into my"Don't mess with me mode"... We can only dance around our loved ones so much when there comes a time that the law must be addressed.. this was that time.... OH wise ones...Let me hear from you... Loveya all
I would suggest you let his Investment people know that he cannot give them instructions without your knowledge. I speak from personal experience. In late 2006 my husband decided on his own (and he appeared capable at the time) to close a trust he administered. Fast forward to late 2007, when our CPA said we owed $27,000 extra in income tax because of it. I cried, threw up, and called the broker,.. but there was nothing I could do. I knew he did it, but he wasn't told and I wasn't told of the severe tax consequences. I thought that was part of the broker's job. When we got the tax bill, he had endured a broken hip earier in the year which accelerated his AD from Moderate to SEVERE, skipping moderately severe. He had no clue what I was upset about and could not offer one word of comfort. (Just paid off that tax bill two months ago...yikes the interest that the IRS charges was horrible!) I cannot address your situation, other than to say the brokers should know to double check with you on all orders, and if you don't have his Power of Attorney, God only knows you need it - and the Broker should have a copy along with a written order to contact you about everything. I'm so sorry.
yes peggy you may want to double chck with your CPA now to make sure that investment was ok to come to him vs direct investment. some investments free of tax penalties must go directly deposited into accts and not to the owner or its considered like withdrawn and taxable. and by all means get with your brokers ALL financial places and get them a DPOA and make sure DH is not allowed to make changes without your knowledge. you need to get the check and deposit it too or he may rip it or throw it away or lose it. give him a 'fake' check to hold if you are able to slide that by him. yes they can cause some messy financial hardships if you arent on top of it. if hes on meds it may be time to contact the dr and ask for a modification in doseage due to increased anxiety and aggitation. its all we can do. sorry you are having a difficult time divvi
Peggy: Who was with him when you went on R&R? It's important that you let us know who was in charge of him and what they were expected to do while you were away, otherwise we don't know the whole story. Most caregivers do not fully understand AD & what they are trying to deal with. Victims may or may not try to be spiteful, they may or may not be trying to pull your chain, but bottom line is they can't help it, they can't control their responses, they cannot respond to you in a normal way. Do not say, 'you don't know my husband, he can control himself if he wants to.' The disease prevents him from doing that, his brain cells are dying--his brain is out of control much of the time. You said DH was OK w/your being gone 24 hrs. This is not possible. He may have said OK for any number of reasons, but he had no idea what that really meant. You cannot take his word for anything. You speak to him normally & expect normal responses. If you tell someone w/out AD that you'll be gone 24 hrs & they say OK, then it's OK. They'll manage, they know when you'll be back, they'll turn on appliances, change a light bulb, but someone w/AD is confused and panics and will call you, that's the nature of the disease. You know you are dealing with a disease, but you really don't understand how it is messing w/his brain. No matter what you do, it's never easy--been there, done that--but until you realize that you are often dealing with someone who is not in the moment, who has a different reality than yours, who is frightened and becoming childlike, you will continue to spin your wheels. Forget logic and reasoning, doesn't matter what you tell him, he's in a different world and the best you can do --and it doesn't always work--is to go into his world--he can no longer navigate in yours. You're in charge--period. And immediately get in charge of the money--talk to an elder attorney to protect your assets. I called our accountant & attorney to tell them about DH, they worked with me. He was driving everyone nuts about property someone had taken from him--none of it ever happened. He'd sit me down & talk very seriously about having to sue someone and I'd say, 'you're right, I'll take care of it in the morning.' Sometimes it came up again and again, but he couldn't help it. And, no, DH did not know that I was talking to others--no, I did not discuss it with him, did not ask his advice. A close friend was left destitute because she did not take charge. This may sound harsh--well, I guess it is--but until you start reacting to his disease--and not to what he says as if he's normal, it will only escalate. Be kind to him, swallow your pride, swallow your anger and disappointment. Be kind to him, even if he does not respond the same way. I know how hard it was to care for my DH & he had AD alone, not all the other medical conditions your DH has, so I believe your have a much harder time of it, but please, for both your sakes, learn to deal w/the consequences of the disease--his abnormal, irrational behavior. As caregivers, we are living in an abnormal environment, it's up to us to adjust, our loved ones can't.
So sorry, peggy. I've been there and done most of it. Financial horrifications, endured (enduring) it all. Hope you have Durable Power of Attorney and act on it NOW. If not, WHY not. Three words (everyone is sick of hearing this from me)....ELDER LAW ATTORNEY. Get a good one NOW. And, no, it won't get any better. Wish I'd just let mine divorce me.......the kids were well on the way to having my husband accomplish that.
Peggy, forgive me for asking this question, but if your husband is totally blind, how did he know he received that large check in the mail?? Did I miss something on an earlier blog? I'm very concerned about you..only because you are following us on a path we've walked, and I don't believe you realize how sick he is. These dear people could get Oscars for the play-acting they do, and their ability to pop in and out of reality. Truth be known, it's all an ACT and they are lost in the demented state of Alzheimers. I always said I wish there was a monitor on my husbands body that would register the current stage of the disease, in spite of his actions.
It's all an ACT? I didn't think they could "act" deliberately one way or another. Seems to me their reality is "squed", and their normal is really abnormal. But an elder law attorney and all the paper must be done.
Good advice here as always. I think there are some earlier topics on Money issues here too. We've had paranoia about 'the money.' It was an issue even before diagnosis..then DH told our kids that I had taken over 70,000. and spent it..he didn't know where it went. Not true. Nothing has been spent. Today, he gets a director's fee for serving on a board of directors..cashes it..puts it in his billfold. When I can, I slip some of it out..because if he pays for something he's likely to hand over much more than the item costs. Recently DH decided a former golf friend, should return the golf cart they shared over 30 years ago..in PRISTINE condition.
The golf cart no longer exists..the friend has health issues and the whole thing was incredulous. DH was calling demanding the golf cart..We had to work behind the scenes..talk to the man and his family..I got some cash..and we had our son to bring it to DH in an envelope to pay for the cart. He said he didn't want the money, he wanted the cart. Son told DH that the cart had been ruined in a house fire a few years ago..Now he thinks the money was from 'insurance' and he stuffed 1500.00 in his billfold. A couple of days later, I was able to get the money OUT of the billfold and desposited it back in the bank. The matter is settled he hasn't commented or noticed the slimmer bilfold. These are nerve wracking things..we sometimes are peddling as fast as we can..
Lots of good sound advice here, Peggy.. Good luck.
Zibby,maybe "ACT" wasn't the right word, but my husband could suddenly "snap to" when he received a telephone conversation from his son, and no one would have dreamed he was not well. (for a few minutes). Afterward, I'd ask a question about something I had overheard, such as "OH NO! Is he OK???"... and he would have no idea what I was asking about. The first time the Hospice Nurse came by, he was cordial, rose up from his chair (a little) to greet her, and insisted he walk us to the door when she left, with his cane. He died six weeks later. That's what I was referring to as "play-acting". As soon as the person left or hung up the phone, he'd go back to his old zone of not reacting to stimulation of any kind, the TV, Me, our little dog, Tigger. He'd just sit and stare and I'd have to touch his shoulder to get his attention. I was told that many people who have had highly social lives (mine was a DuPont top executive/diplomat under Reagan)..that those instincts never really leave and they'll always try to be gentlemen when it's required. (with OTHERS). I'm glad he was.
Another "money" issue to cover is that of insurance premiums. DH has a policy with his former employer. With each payment he sent they would stress that if it was late -- regardless of the reason -- the policy would be canceled and not rewritten. Several years ago after much cajoling I convinced him to let me set it up for an automatic bank draw.
If you have any payments like this that are critical, please set up the auto draw.
NancyB, yes, I agree they can ACT in that sense. Guess I don't really know a better word for that behavior. Mine can somewhat pull some things together for a short time--if no one asks questions.
Many good suggestions here and on other threads re $$$. The caregiver must take the reins because sooner or later it has to be done--and better if done before a crisis. Can be difficult if demented spouse is/was control person. This is where "creativity" as Judy described comes into play.
Thanks to all, for your expertise and kind comments... I do have POA, part of the investments in a trust and His IRA... All set up as the law dictates but those at the investment firms are not fully aware of the depth of his mentality and naturally they try to comply, somewhat, let us say, just to get him off the phone,,, A friend was with him while I had my 24 hours, opened the mail with check in it and at that point assumed all this normal... There,again, unless these well meaning friends live it, they have NO clue what we deal with every minute of our lives... You can be sure, this will be my last R&R..and Yes,Zibby, DH has been a control person all his life. .DH did apologize for the past few days of temper tantrums and pouting,,, so HE KNEW something of his actions.... After my threat of divorce, he suddenly saw the seriousness of this mess and ask me,"how would he get to a doc. or get around or any of the many endless things I do for him.. AT that point, I decided practicing "tough love" would be best... We, as caregivers , are not door mats and do not deserve any of this.... Not looking for miracles, just a crumb tossed my way now and then... Loveya all...
peggy, My DH knew he had been angry, loud, etc. (before medication), but didn't know exactly why he did it and couldn't keep from doing it. He didn't have any ability to stop it although he knew he had done it.
Unfortunately, many people with dementia are separated from large amounts of money, whether by scams, gifts (family members and strangers), and by poor decisions (investments, etc.). Sometimes family members or spouses find out after the fact and sometimes they get a warning. I had already been closely watching due to other issues so when my DH fell for an internet scam, he was unable to lose any money, although he did give waaaaay to much personal info. Oh, and he had a suitcase packed and was ready to leave to save the "princess" from her father.......
Fortunately, you were given a warning. You may not get another. Protect the money, cause he is no longer able to. And, he may not be able to control the angry outbursts even if he does admit them later (and that's assuming he actually remembers them).
Peggy--I find the most surprising part of your story that your "well-meaning friend", when only staying with your husband for 24 hrs, would actually open the mail, tell your husband about the check and give it to him! Had he/she been instructed to do so? To me, mail is certainly private and there's nothing that couldn't wait 24 hours. You would have had a lot less aggrivation to deal with if the friend had just left the mail alone--you could have probably resolved the situation without your husband even knowing about it. I'm sure most of us have had to do things "behind the scenes" to unscramble problems created by our spouses, but it's much easier when you don't have to fight with them to do it!
Bettyhere, Excellent advice. I just hope I can do what you say we should do. If I can, perhaps our little world here would be more pleasant. But, it is so difficult to always be in control of my feelings. I try, but I'm not always successful. As far as acting, my children thinks he is doing very well when they talk to him. I, on the other hand, do not. They're not in this house with me. They really have no idea. They say they do, but they don't.
Thank you Bev, but I always worry that others think I was such a perfect CG. For the most part,it was a long time before I realized that I had to be kind, that his horror at what was happening to him was beyond anyone's control, and I did not know what was happening. I'd see terror in his eyes for years, but he would never let me know why--if he could explain it, it would only terrify him more. I do not blame myself nor do I carry guilt for my letting him go through years of this all alone, but I did not know and so I try to explain to others what I wish I'd been told. There were too many times when I yelled--once to the point that I had to lie to the neighbor about the TV being too loud, that, no, it wasn't me screaming! There is so much I wish I could have done differently, and I know that even if I did fully understand, there would have still been times when I'd have lost it all--no saints live here--can't always be in control of our emotions. There's never any let up--or if it is, it just puts us into believing that it's not so bad after all and then it comes roaring out again and dashes all our hopes, so yeah, being only human, we lose control--ater we tried so hard and did everything right. But I do believe too many CG's believe, as I did in the beginning, that I'll just remind him of things, explain, lay down the law and it will all be OK. Would that it were so.
Most of the time I feel such compassion for him, such sadness to see such an active, life-loving, friendly, generous, intelligent man go through what he's going through. It doesn't seem possible someone like this can be slowly losing his mind. Oh, what I wouldn't give to have back all those times when I was so moritified when he'd start an argument with someone over something completely unimportant. It was so unlike the person I married. Now, it hurts so much when his face shows his confusion. At the same time, he really thinks he's okay. Then again, today he was lying in bed, at a time when he doesn't usually, with the pillow over his head. I asked him if he was feeling okay. He said he was all right, that he had "many things going on in his brain" and he had to lie there so he could think about them. I
I know what you mean, Bev, my DH was the same sort of man. My heart was so shattered. Maybe it's different for those who have difficult marriages, but my DH only wanted to protect me, do for me and there was the time when he said tearfully, "I can't take care of you anymore." Shattered...