O.K. I am going to be totally honest here.....have any of you actually divorced your AD spouse? I know that sounds so selfish and mean, but I just don't know if I can do this much longer. I have only been married to this man for 7 yrs. and he started to change about 3 yrs. into the relationship. Up until the change in his personality, I was definately the one who pursued him. He even admitted in therapy that he wasn;t in love with me when we married. Anyway, fast forward to present......now he is completely "glued to my hip" and is driving me nuts! He is in the mid stage of AD and I seem to be the only person in his life who can keep him semi-calm and together. Our relationship has completely changed and I have ALOT of resentments! I am only 41 and can't even imagine having to devote my entire life to the care of a person who didn't even love me until he got sick!!!! I want to do the right thing, but I don't know if I can. Anyone have any advise? Thanks for letting me vent!!!!
Is this a first marriage. Does he have children who are aware and will help with decision making. No-you are not a bad person. After a 48 year marriage I would have considered it had I know how terrible things would get. I truth I really wouldn't have considered divorce as he is the father of our kids and he took care of me for many years. Your situation is very different and you are too young to give up your life. How old is your spouse. With all these question answered our motly crew will have a better understanding of your situation.
Gosh, hes asking alot of you being his caregiver in the future, after admitting he wasnt in love with you. lets hope that is the AD talking and not his real feelings. my advise is do whats right for YOU at this point after making sure he is taken care of, since you are so young I dont know if i would advise you to enter as longterm caregiver unless you have adequate home help and lots of respite and continue your own life and outside activities. divvi
countrygirl - I hear your pain and anger, this is just so damn unfair.
I have 28 years in this marriage so in my case I won't walk away. Because he is verbally and physically threatening I have moved away but I make sure he is OK and has what he needs. He has MCI so is able to look after himself for now. Later on whether it will be me or someone else will depend on what his behaviours are.
If I had been married a short time and had been told that he didn't love me at our marriage and was 41...but hey I'm 50 and don't want to be doing this... I would certainly be looking at it differently. What action I would take, because I'm not there, I just can't say. What I can say and posted else where is what ever decision you make you do not need anyone's approval. What you are going through is unique for you and noone can possibly understand what is happening in your life.
Noooooo...you are not a bad person for wanting out. At your age you have a lot of living to do yet. I told my children several years ago that if I had a stroke or something that required daily care of me...to put me in a home. I have had my life and they are should have theirs. This is going to sound terrible, but if they (DH)are so confused that they can't recognize you and only respond to you minutes at a time...is that "living"? I don't thing so.... aperson your age would be giving up their life for someone that isn't really "living" anyway...they are just not dead yet. Lots of women on here have been married to their DH's all their life and they still love them which is wonderful. They know no other life nor do they want a different life then the one they have with their DH's regardless of the DH's illness. This too is wonderful and should be respected and honored. Each person is in a different place on this journey and we have to take the road that is best for us.
No, you are not horrible. And this is one of those places where it is possible to say the impossible. Which is a really good thing because a lot of us need to say the impossible somewhere at least some of the time.
It is so hard to see clearly when we are emotionally involved. For major decisions in my life I have always tried to write things down to better understand the issues and eliminate the emotion. I write down the pros and cons and what the ultimate goals are. What would the list look like if he was healthy? What would it look like if he had HIV or cancer. What are the legal/financial ramifications of staying married or getting divorced. What would happen to him/you if you got divorced or stayed married. Tough questions but all of us need to have a life plan, elsewise we walk through life numb and not knowing what path to follow. For me, I have tried to ask and answer some of those same questions. How much is enough, how much is too much, when do we let go, how to we ameliorate the guilt. Not easy but as a visual learner it helps me to write it down. If I were 41 with half of my life still in front of me, my goals would be different and thus my choices would be different than they are today. Countrygirl, whatever your decisions, do not feel guilty for making them. "Right" is different for each of us. We can only do what we can do. I appreciate your honesty, it is the reason this website is so wonderful. Thank you for sharing!
If you are financially indpendent, that is don't ask your DH for any support, ask his family, if there is family, to assist in finding a good place for him or to look after him. If not YOU find a a nice LTC facility for him and then get on with your life. You can not sacfifice your life for someone who does not love you.
thank-you so much to everyone for your input and support! It means more to me than I can express in words. To answer some questions, my husband and I have 2 children each from previous marriages. Neither of his sons are in a position to help with his care. One is a single dad with a son with cystic fibrosis. The other one still lives at home with his mom. My husband has no siblings and his father is in a facility for his alzheimers already. My mother in law passed away from alzheimers' last year. That leaves me to take care of my husband. As far as finances go, I owned my own business until 2 yrs. ago, when I sold it to spend more time taking care of my husband. Now I am completely dependent on him for money. I just feel trapped and alone, with no hope in sight. I'm not after pity, but am sharing my true feelings.
countrygirl .. Many of us have had that trapped feeling. We are the "healthy" one and yet we will be tied to our AD partner for years in ever increasing intensity. I don't think any of us feel that you want pity... Each of us has had to make decisions for ourselves and we understand they can be painful. Obviously, we don't know what is best for you... Even if you do end up staying I would urge you to start doing things for yourself now. Start thinking in terms of what you need to survive . Idon't have any answers for you but I wanted you to know that I do understand and feel for you... even more as you have told us about your situation.
Hi Countrygirl, I don't have the experience that other people on this board do so I can't give you any concrete advice. I tried to put myself in your shoes and the age of 41 and if I had known then what was in store for me at 68 I just MIGHT have packed my bags and gone back to England! I still don't know if I will be able to handle all that comes with Alz when my DH gets worse. Until my DH was diagnosed last year and I found these boards I didn't have a clue about Alz. All I can do is pray you will find the right decision for YOU and pray for all the care givers each day.