I invite you to log onto the home page - www.thealzheimerspouse.com, and read the weekend blog. Please let us know if you have had experiences similar to mine.
Joan---I hesitate to believe that it is "selective" memory....I really do not believe that our spice can select which memory they want to forget, or which they want to remember...I think of it as "RAM" memory....random access memory... I do not think they have the ability of selecting their memory....sort of just happens..... and like most men, I am in the mood will always trigger the proper response.....sort of like {"Bios} in a computer.....not ram nor selective...just instinct..
Ahhh Phranque, both humorous and wise! Joan, remember that memory has many triggers and several different routes in the brain. Along with Phranques randomness, there is the effect of the senses such as touch and smell on the brains ability to process. Perhaps the touching of the phone coupled with the long term memory of the friend allowed the conversation to take a still available pathway in the 'making of memory' part of the brain. Who knows????? Our spouses are often helped by visual and tactile clues to their environment.
Joan, I taped a wonderful series by Charles Rose on my U Verse TV websites . It was 222 Bloom site and the series was on all recent research on the brain. although it wasn't specifically on ALzheimers or dementia it explained much of our spouses behavior. for example, it explained why my husband could bowl well into his disease if we would put him o n the lane with his ball. he could consistently have a score of over or near 200! He was using a part of his brain that did not require cognitive thinking but was like brushing teeth, eating with spoon, fork etcc. apparently these learned skills are impaire d later in the disease, I know there are many aspects of this that will be solved in the near future. in the meantime i favor giving our d ear ones as much patience as we can and give them the benefit of any doubt s .
Joan, We're having our house redecorated. It's difficult for both of us, the dust, the smell, everything in a different place, you get the picture. Here's an example of my day today:
What time is he coming? Is he finished yet? When will he be finished? I thought you said 2 days (did not!) (He was very nice to the painter when he came this morning, but apparently didn't like it when painter didn't hang on to his every word, so he got angry). Why do I have to get out of my room? Because we have to open all the windows. He's sanding the walls and he doesn't want us to have trouble breathing from the dust). "Gol dang it." (words cleaned up for this site). This is my house! Why do I have to do what he says? I don't want to eat anything! Can you bring up my lunch? When is he going? How many more days is he going to be here? What's he charging? (At least 15 times today) When is he going to be finished. I thought you said it would only take 2 days.
Etc.. etc., etc. This has been going on for 5 days so far....
Bev, we have a painter starting Monday. I am dreading it. When the painting is done, we are getting new carpet, dreading that, too. But I figured it will only be worse the longer I wait, so we are getting it done and taking one day at a time with it. I am overwhelmed myself, so I can only imagine what it will be like for my DH.
Susan, Thank you for this quote, "memory has many triggers and several different routes in the brain," and "there is the effect of the senses such as touch and smell on the brains ability to process. Perhaps the touching of the phone coupled with the long term memory of the friend allowed the conversation to take a still available pathway in the 'making of memory' part of the brain." That helped me immensely even though I'm certain I've read it ~ it just didn't sink in at the time. I too have often wondered how my dh could remember some things but not others. He can carry on a conversation on the phone with ease at times, but at other times he will look over to me with a pitiful expression on his face as though he is saying, "help!" I can also identify with the remodeling/painting. I got those same questions even though he was home with them on a daily basis and I was at work.
Buzzelena, it has been very difficult for my husband. The first few days were okay but as the days wore on it's been making him agitataed. There has been a lot of repair work done as well as painting and some wallpapering. We have probably 3 days left of this, then the new carpeting comes in. I have oak floors under the carpeting but it would have been even worse with all the dust and staining (we would have to leave the house for 3 days), so I just decided to carpet it. The bedrooms have oak flooring and have never been carpeted. Like you, I decided it would be better to do it before things get worse with him.
Loretta, I cannot leave him alone with the painter for more than an hour or so. He gets upset so easily I need to be here. I'll be so glad when this is finished. My nerves can't take much more of it. I seem to be worried the whole day that something bad is going to happen.
To play the "devil's advocate" - I have been wondering why it seems so important to do work on the house such as painting rooms, etc. I would think this could be left until a more opportune time, such as when our spouse has been moved to a nursing home, or until the end of this journey. That way you wouldn't have to worry about how he/she will react to the confusion.
Marsh, I agree with your post. I have come to the conclusion that I will only do to the house what absolutely needs to be done to maintain it - not to do cosmetic surgery on it! When something needs to be done, I either do it, or if I can't, I hire it done, as quickly as possible. I don't need anymore stress and DH doesn't need it either.
I can answer for myself about cosmetic surgery. I actually did major surgery and built a new house, while I was caregiving my husband and Mother. Believe me it was stressful. A couple of times I threw myself at my Doctors mercy to give me something to sleep and calm the stress. I did it for ME. They didn't care because they couldn't, but I did.
I thought about it a long time. Even planned to do it the year before and the stress got me down. We had purchased land 30 years ago about 1/2 mile from our house, with the intention of building on it someday. Well, the "someday" turned into either now or never. With this disease you all know everything is for the person with the disease. Everything we do, say or plan revolves around the one with the disease. I was/am not going to be a second victim. So, I did it. I had 2 kids nearby to help me.
We all agree it was the best thing for us to do. It may not be the best for you to do, but it was best for us. It gave me confidence and proudness. It didn't shorten their lives. It allowed them both to stay home until death because things were arranged by me to be convenient for taking care of them. I had 3' doors and walk in closets installed everywhere. Laminate floors and a large attached garage with ramp capabilities. Lever controls in the bathrooms. But one of the most important things was our lawn and garden are level. He was able to walk to the garden 2 years longer than he could have at the other place and his garden was one of the most important things in his life.
If new paint, floors, redecorating improve the caregivers quality of life and they can afford to have it done — do it sooner — rather than later. If it won't then wait until after.
Thank you, Imohr. It could be another five years before he has to go into a nursing home, if ever. Meanwhile, I can't let things run down. Repairs are needed, leaks need to be fixed, the walls get dirty. I can't do this all myself. The house is getting old, things break down. We both decided to get it done. It wasn't only my decision. And, for the future, when the house needs to be sold, the things that needed to be done will be done and I won't have to worry about it anymore. Yes, things are in a "tizzy," and I wish it was over, but in the long run, better now than later. And, yes, for myself, it will make ME feel better this summer when I don't have to worry about the house and we can enjoy our garden and yard with HIS birds.
Of course there are circumstances where repairs and improvements have to be done. And it is a great feeling once they're done. Me, I try to ignore the peeling paint and the dirty walls. I got a kid in to mow the lawn yesterday for the first time ever and thought sure that dh would react badly: last year he said nobody was going to touch HIS lawn mower. Now after briefly being introduced, he stayed in the sun room and let me deal with it. But he was agitated and couldn't wait for him to get done and leave. The boy has long school hours on our day care days, but is shuffling things around so that from now on he can come mostly during day care hours. I had him do a couple other chores and I love it! Makes gardening much more fun to have some help again.
I've continued to do maintenance and redecorating projects, but I try to get my DH out of the house as much as possible when it's going on. I would recommend finding workers that you can trust so that you can leave the house with your spouse when most of the work is done. We had some remodelling done when we were on vacation last year; in a few weeks we're having a new heating system put in and I'm taking my husband to daycare some extra days while it's being done because it would upset him if he was here. If daycare isn't possible, perhaps you can arrange for family/friends to take your spouse out or even consider a short respite placement--anything to remove them from the scene!
All the work being done was my DH's idea. He is trying to get everything in tip-top shape so I don't have to deal with it later. And I think he is better able to handle it now than he would be further down the line. And on the third day into the painting, he is doing well. I take him to the golf course on M, W & F anyway, so he is removed from it for about 4 hours on those days.
My DH was for it, too. That's what we thought, we wouldn't have to deal with it later. The painting and repair is done now and the rest of it he won't be bothered by. I kind of knew he might get agitated by the inconvenience of things and the messiness of the house while the work was being done, but we're both glad it's over with now and we can enjoy the summer. For me, I love that everything's clean and like new. I'm not a Type A personality and I don't need to have everything perfect, but I do like it to look clean. I needed something for ME and now I have it. Maybe that's selfish, but there's nothing wrong with getting something for me once in a while.