As some of you know, I put my DW in a 'Memory' facility (Nursing Home) in February and am still trying to sell our house and move to where our children live (Tulsa, Ok.). Because of this, I have been out of touch, but, I need your good advice and help.
My DW hasn't been to any of our family's homes since she was admitted, so we decided to take her to Church and to our son's house for Easter. This was a big mistake. By the time dinner was over, she was nervous and agitated. My mistake was in not taking her back right then. Instead, I waited for the children to hunt Easter Eggs, took some family pictures and enjoyed the day. But, by then, she was so upset, and angry, that it ruined the whole day. The trip back to the facility was pure Hades.
I have tried to justify my decision by telling myself that we needed to try this. That we would never know what she could handle until we tried. I now realize that she is comfortable in her new world and that is the only place where she feels secure. Being around many people will not work.
Bottom line is that we won't do that again.
Thanks for listening and I have some other problems also that I need help with. So, don't go very far away.
We feel much the same way...always hate the holidays...and it ruins everything for the whole family...but we still make the attempt, always hoping for a miracle or just a non evenful day....very occasionally it does happen, and it is worth it....It is better to have tried and failed than to never try at all...
dean--you had to try, and now you know. Big groups are out. Short visits may work. Actually, no serious harm was done.. The day got a bit hairy but the family also got some clues to "how things are". In the long run they also learned what you did. Bet you won't have them pushing you to keep her longer next time you do an outing You'll find what works and build around that so the holidays and events work for everyone.
Dean - ditto. You have no reason to feel bad, guilty, or whatever because you kept her longer than she could handle. You found out two valuable pieces of information that day: she can not handle large crowds for long and more important she has settled into her new 'home' nicely. That she is comfortable and feels safe where she is to me is the most valuable information you could have learned that day.
Will pray for the house to sell quickly so you can get on with your life nearer your wife and family.
Amen to the views expressed. For those reasons I did not make flight plans to go east for my DH birthday this month. The kids all wanted to have a big party for him and it would have been nice. But I see in recent months that when there is a large group, he becomes quiet...not the way he used to be which was the one telling the jokes etc. I opted for the kids to come out where we are and spend real quality time with their dad and that he not be confronted with the noise and confusion etc which would just tire him. It would be so much more meaningful for each one to come visit, individually, and spend lots of time with him talking, driving around and being together. Who knows, the next time they get together how much might he recall or how mobile may he be? No one knows that answer.
I have to limit a group to 4 people or else DH stops talking and just withdraws. This happened at Thanksgiving with only 2 extra people, his grandsn and wife. At the retirement complex where we live he opens up and talks in groups of 4. I just let him avoid gatherings like the small parties our floor has. We'll be on a 15-day cruise later this month and will have a table for 2, or 4 at the most and he'll function pretty well.
You had to try, Dean, and now you know. My DH is much earlier in the journey than your wife, but I found out early on that he does NOT like more than 4-5 people at once. The first Thanksgiving after diagnosis, we went to his son's house and there were 20-25 people. It was awful for him and his neurorolgist at the time asked ME why I would put him in that situation. Ever since, I have refused family invitations. So on Easter we stayed home and ate, just the two of us. My cousin's husband died on Monday and I briefly considered going to Louisville for the funeral, but it would have been a large group, most of whom my DH had never met, so I decided against it. I even ask my two children from Michigan to visit us one at a time.
Dean her reaction to a larger group of people was actually normal for someone with the disease. I took my husband to a part shortly after he was diagnosed and he did very well for several hours. Towards the end he just hit a point where he had to leave and go home !now!. I asked his doctor about it and they were very surprised that he had lasted as long as he had at the party. They told me then that a gathering it was normal for a person with AD to only be comfortable for an hour or two.
He got very comfortable at the facility after I placed him and no longer was comfortable visiting home so I had to stop bringing him home for visits. The explanation I got for that was that they often knew it was home but in their minds things looked different and they became uncomfortable. My husband's roommate is the opposite. His wife can take him out to visit family and friends but cannot take him home as he gets very agitated and does not want to leave home. Unfortunately, she learned about that one the hard way.
The nurses/aids at the facility can be very good sources of information. They can tell you if what you are seeing is often the case for someone with the disease. They can also offer suggestions on how to handle it.
My DW has been a NH since Jan and I was severely tempted to take her to my daughters for Easter, but was actually afraid to try it. Your post has given me peace that maybe I made the right choice. Carol no longer talks intelligbly but she is CONTENT. I decided not to mess with that. Thanks for you jpost. bill
Now you know, Dean. I don't have that problem yet. My husband doesn't like to go out, but when we went to my daughter's house for Easter, I'm the one who had to persuade him to leave. He was enjoying himself. But, I wonder what next Easter will be like.
We took Jean out of the NH on March 30th for his birthday. He could barely walk with someone holding him up on each side. And, He and I had danced at the NH a week before. I really believe it was because everything was strange to him. I won't take him out again. There'll be music again in two weeks . I'm very anxious to see if he's able to dance again. Then I'll know for sure.
Dean - your post put my mind to rest also. Last Easter our children came to our house for dinner and it was a dinner from hell. My husband was upset and agitated the entire time. I think that it was that day that I realized that we were near placement (placed him in June). I agonized over Thanksgiving and Christmas. I wanted to bring him home so badly did not feel that it would be fair to him. He can not communicate in any way and I was afraid he would either think I had brought him home to stay or he would not feel comfortable here and would not be able to let me know he wanted to go back to the facility. You were brave to try it, but now you know.
Dean.... The experiance you went through is one of the major question I had in my mind as I intend to place Dee in the fall..I do know that she does get a bit uncomfortable when there is a number of people around now but i,ve always wondered if and how often I should take her out of the NH once she is placed... Thanks again for the heads up, and I will be sure if we take her out for a function that it only be with a small group...