Reading through the stages as laid out in that website I have to wonder if the timeline gets skewed for those of us here. The ones who started grieving long before our spouses passed. With my wife in stage 6/7 I feel like she is gone already in so many ways. How about the rest of you folks? Is it different?
Keep in mind that the grieving process can go forward and backwards. you can be in stage 6 and then back to 2, stage 3 and jump up to 5, etc. What I use to tell people in counseling when they were grieving was do not beat yourself up if you fall back to a stage. It is like peeling an onion - it happens in layers. Each time you go through a stage you get a little stronger until eventually you will have victory. There was a popular Christian book years ago titled '3 steps forward, 2 steps back' and that describes how the grieving process can be.
Thunder..my grieving for my dw is essentially over. I have had 10 years of grieving so far, and we now are realizing that she is gone as the person we knew....the only thing we will be grieving is the loss of future life with her, and the actual event...However, I may change my mind when it actually happens....this is how I feel now...and I cannot predict how I will feel later...
Well, as someone who has been through the whole journey I can share with you what I experienced. My husband was End Stage for five years. He was a shell of a man....the "thing" that was him was long gone. I did my grieving a long time ago....he was ill for over 13 years....When he finally died there was no grieving...there was only relief that his suffering was over.
Sandi*, I'm glad you were able to do that, and I too am glad the suffering is over, but phranque, as much as you think your grieving is over, be forewarned the toughest is yet to come. At least it was for me. I grieved the loss of our 'together' life, communicating, sharing, loving, but it was nothing compared to watching them breathe their last breath, and knowing they are really gone forever, never to even smile at you, or hold your hand.
Thunder in answer to your original question - I mourned the slow loss of my husband through all the stages of his decline. I never expected to fall apart as I have now. I though I was prepared and would be strong. I don't care how long your loved one is under the seige of this dreaded disease, when her/his time comes to pass on, it WILL hit you to one degree or another. All we can do is hang on to each other and our memories.
Joe, I feel exactly what you are explaining. The shock that hits you when they take their last breath, is like getting kicked in the stomach and a baseball bat to the head all at once, then you go numb, and then you cry, and cry. It's unlike anything I have ever experienced and I have been an end of life buddy to many of the elderly at our church, and to the parents of friends and with my own in-laws and my dear sweet father. Nothing COMPARES or PREPARES You for the loss of your spouse.
He is still here so I haven't lost him yet but I have definitely been grieving all along - some good days and some bad days. That has changed more to good and bad moments. I miss the person he was and the relationship we had. It will be a shock when he is finally gone as my life will change yet again and I will no longer even be able to see him. My hope is that with all the past grieving that the healing will be faster after because of it.
In many ways I am ready to move on with my life - some days I am chomping at the bit to move on with my life and other days the whole idea scares me. I've given up many of the things that I enjoyed doing as we have gone through this disease and want to take some of those up again. I am also in a holding pattern at work because there are many things I can't volunteer for due to the requirements of him - some of them have looked very interesting too. For him, I have given up much of that which stimulates me creatively and mentally. The little bit that I have managed to keep has helped to keep me stable but sometimes I feel like I am starving.
The link that morsb gives in first post is an interesting article on the Seven stages of Grieving. Nothing to do with the Seven Stages of Alzheimer's or even anything about pre-grieving that we have with AD. I am really struggling with this final stage of my dear wife. Does anyone know of any posts or articles about Grieving that would be helpful to us AD Caregivers????? bill, Rom 1:16
billeld, I too am struggling with this stage. I am so accustomed to the slow incremental progression of this disease that I have to specifically think of an incident or occasion in the past to compare to today in order to see in my head the change that has come to pass. These days Sharon sleeps more than ever and even when she is awake she has little energy. She has a few moments each day when she can stand up un-aided and walk around the house but most of the time she is extremely unsteady and I worry constantly that she will fall. She is so frail that a fall could be deadly. Glimpses of her old personality are brief and rare. The absolute worst part of it is that she is only 58 and in the absence of this horrible disease there would of been so many years of love and life and fun together left to live.
Information on caregiver grief on MedicineNet.com Jun 8, 2004 ... From the initial diagnosis to a loved one's death and beyond, caregivers are faced with a barrage of conflicting feelings.