My DW had a visit from a cousin out of state in Arkansas. This was a couple of months ago. We told them that we would come visit in the spring. Well we got a letter that invited us to visit. DW does not want to go. The reason is while they were here, her cousin went thru our house asking that when she goes would she leave her this or that. She has no idea how this hurt my DW. I do not know if I should tell them why we are not interested in visiting or not.
I would just say that she isn't up to the travel now...thank you for your invitation. (Just make certain you don't let her find out about any other trips she takes!)
Only speaking for myself...I would tell the very rude out-of-state cousin exactly why your DW dosen't want to visit her. That way, if she visits you again there will be no problem. I feel protective of all our spouses and the thought of anyone needlessly hurting their feelings makes me angry. (Canyou tell?) lol cs
Bob, I agree with cs. When I read your post, I couldn't believe someone could be so rude and callous. If someone had come into my home and asked such inappropriate things, I would have said something and if they didn't like it, they would be welcome to leave. You know how hurt your wife was because even though it has been a few months she remembers.
Bob I also agree with CS and Deb. I for one am done with tippy toeing around rude people. Just calmly explain that your wife's feelings were hurt during their last visit and she doesn't wish to take the trip. Thanks anyway, have a nice day.
I did not hear the conversation. She only mentioned it when I asked her if she wanted to go visit them. I do not understand her motive. I guess she was wanting to lay claim on things that belong on her side of the family, I guess. Mainly antiques. I guess she figured I would have to fend for myself once she was gone. I think I will send her an email to explain the situation.
I'd be careful, if you didn't hear the conversation, are you quite sure that your DW understood correctly? Of course I don't know her, but if my husband said such a thing had been said I would be very hesitant to accept it as the (whole) truth.
Same here Jeanette. My DH frequently quoted someone as saying something - and I knew they did not. Part of it would be right and part of it wrong. I think sometimes they are getting reality mixed up with thoughts or dreams. We learned to "go with the flow and realize he had dreamed".
I guess I need to retract my comment. If you didn't personally hear the conversation, you need to tread lightly. However...something the cousin said upset you wife. If they spend time together in the future I'd stay close. If she does say anything out of line I'd let her have it with both barrels. cs
So far my DW does not have Dementia. I have no reason not to believe her. It is now an non issue. She has decided to write her a letter snail mail to her cousin and tell her we have other plans.
I'll go back and read the other comments in a minute. I want to share a slightly similar story. When our middle girl was married, after a while they made a trip to our home..and in the course of the conversation her husband asked " when you die what are we going to get? I want to be able to plan." I was shocked and incensed and replied ' You are getting nothing. It is up to you to provide for yourself and your family should you have one". Then this same ugly head reared it's ugly head when my mom had AD. After she died, then the caregivers who were still on helping with my dad actually said to me," what are you going to do with all your parents things when your dad dies?" I told them it was not their concern. Then they told me that they had admired many things in their home and just exactly what "they wanted as keepsakes" and proceeded to show me. As soon as they left, I had dead bolts put on my mom's closet and packed it full of all those things in addition to any other family keepsakes. My brother and I had the only keys to that closet. The nerve of people to sit around like vultures! I would tell that cousin just exactly why you will not visit. This sort of person does not deserve any delicate, respectful discourse.They deserve to know the real reason for the refusal and I would be blunt. If they get hurt feelings , tough! I tend to be kind of hard core about stuff like this. My parents were victims of lots of theft which I reported and got little resolution from the agency we had. I don't suffer fools, especially fools like this and with all the stress we have, our sense of loss none of us should. Be direct. Not all may agree with me but I have had it with this kind of person and will not tolerate them.
I don't understand, does not have dementia or is in such an early phase that she does understand what is going on? If that is the case she may well have understood the intentions of her cousin. Family antiques notwithstanding, these are things that belong to her and what she wishes to share with anyone now or in the future is for her to decide. I might suggest that while she is in a good place, perhaps you and she should discuss what you would like your kids ( if you have them) to have, other family members, cousins or whatever and special people who have been in your life. Other than that, decline the visit is you don't feel up to it. And if this cousin is announcing a visit again soon, put those things, if you can, out of sight.. By the way, what in the world is someone, relative or not, doing "going through your house". My aunt's sister did that to her when her husband had AD..the sister was busy telling my aunt what she should get rid of ( her beloved books) etc...and I thought this behaviour was way out of line and said so...I told my aunt her sister had no business telling her what to do with her books, clothes, dishes etc IT IS NOT HER HOUSE!!!!!
I didn't understand moorsb's comment either re: she doesn't have dementia. AD/Dementia go together. I was confused even with your repy...'simple minded' is not Alzheimer's. What am I not understanding here on the ALZHEIMER'S SPOUSE site.
My question would be...has she always been "simple minded" whatever that is? If not, then she must had some sort of event or illness that has caused this condition.
I would be interested to know what the doctor calls it.
moorsb, my wife, also, does not have hallucinations or paranoia, but she clearly has dementia of the Alzheimer type. She is "simple minded" (doesn't remember anything even for a few minutes and has little memory of the past, but still knows who I am), has trouble speaking (her sentences do not make any sense in response to anything I have said) and she is developing more and more trouble walking. Speaking as a physician, I would want a better explanation from her doctor as to what he/she thinks it is. If he/she is ruling out dementia due to no hallucinations or paranoia, I would get another opinion, preferably from a specialist in geriatrics or dementia.
My husband has FTD and he also has not had hallucinations or paranoia. He has had personality changes, loss of judgement, difficulty with language, and no short term memory. He can be very childish at times with how he says things, rhyming and calling objects by names that a child would. He also hasn't had any terrible aggression, just a lot of agitation/pacing. That is dementia, and Alzheimers disease is a form of dementia.
From www.medterms.com
Dementia: Significant loss of intellectual abilities such as memory capacity, severe enough to interfere with social or occupational functioning.
Criteria for the diagnosis of dementia include impairment of attention, orientation, memory, judgment, language, motor and spatial skills, and function. By definition, dementia is not due to major depression or schizophrenia.
Dementia is reported in as many as 1% of adults 60 years of age. It has been estimated that the frequency of dementia doubles every five years after 60 years of age.
Alzheimer's disease is the most common cause of dementia. There are many other causes of dementia, including (in alphabetical order): AIDS (due to HIV infection), alcoholism (the dementia is due to thiamine deficiency), brain injury, brain tumors, Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease, dementia with Lewy bodies (tiny round structures made of proteins that develop within nerve cells in the brain), drug toxicity, encephalitis, meningitis, Pick disease (a slowly progressive deterioration of social skills and changes in personality leading to impairment of intellect, memory, and language), syphilis, thyroid disease (hypothyroidism) and vascular dementia (damage to the blood vessels leading to the brain).
I was incorrect in my statement. She has Dementia, but she does not have hallucinations. She has been seen by 2 specialist and both said she has AD and she was diagnosed by a team of doctors at SW Med School in Dallas
Deb, my husband never had hallucinations or paranoia. He did have impairment of attention, orientation, memory, judgment, language, motor and spatial skills, and function to varying degrees. With the Motor Neuron Variant, he did not live long enough to have any of these in the severe way that many of our spouses do. I try to look at this as a blessing, when he died he knew me, and was fully aware of what was happenning to his body and why, although he often needed me to repeat the details.
deb112958, Technically, dementia is one of the physical manifestations of Alzheimer's disease. As you correctly stated in the last paragraph of your post, AD is the most common CAUSE of dementia. AD itself is not dementia nor is it a form of dementia. Alzheimer's disease is the accumulation of beta-amyloid plaques and neurofibrilary tangles that interfere with communication between neurons and eventually lead to brain-cell death.
All of the other things (memory loss, disorientation, loss of coordination, etc.) are symptoms / signs of AD.
Plus... for the record, paranoia and hallucinations are very subjective conditions and it is entirely possible that one of our loved ones could indeed be paranoid to a degree without our knowing it particularly in advanced stages. My wife is far beyond the ability to articulate her condition and if she were experiencing either paranoia or hallucinations I would have no way of knowing. Fear, anger and agitation are all signs of paranoia.