I invite you to log onto the home page - www.thealzheimerspouse.com - and read today's blog. I'd like to know if you have this problem, are better at dealing with it than I am, and if so, HOW?
I equate this problem with my DH witrh the one I had with all the "help" when he was Dxd and all the caseworkers, Social workers, Pt, Ot, etc. were reminding me of all the things I had to do. I told them, "It's on my list." They had no idea how many"lists" I had nor their priority, bnut it acknowledged the reminder and sut them up. With DH, whenever possible I assign a day or time when I will do the item innquestion. I set up the GoBus for our Sunday store trip on Wed. He doesn't ask me about it until that afternoon. Sometimes I will go ahead and take care of the matter right then, but usually I try to set a time to do it, when it is workable for me. I don't need to knock myself out making an email to our daughter this minute (2:45 pm), when she's in CA, at work, and can't read it until 10:30 her time(1:30 am here). So far giving him ti,mes when I will do it seems to work here. Doesn't fix it all but sure helps.
Would having a tape recorder for him to talk into it whenever he has someething to ask you to do or remember help at all? he can just push the button and talk into it. doesn't matter if he says the same question over and over again. THen you make a big deal of listening to the recording morning, noon, and night. and giving him a report. may not work at all, just a suggestion.
Joan, you say in your blog that you have listened to what we say, and intellectually you know he can't remember that he already asked, and you ask the question - do I have to let go of me in order to get through this. The answer is no. What you have to learn to do is to LET GO OF JOAN AND SID, THE COUPLE. I'll refer to the marriage couple as "us" here. He is now your child, not your husband, and once you can accept that, then you will lose some of the stress. It is not easy, but necessary to survive this disease. Without it, you will have HIGH blood pressure, possible stroke, possible breakdown of your health. But in no way do you have to or need to lose JOAN. We are who were are, and we can maintain ourselves in many ways....but we are now one, not two. Until you make that division, you are creating more stress for yourself.
Until you can understand in your heart that US is no more, that only the shell of Sid remains, and that his age has decreased and you are now in the role of mother, not wife, you will be open to all of the stress points, including what you see as nagging and what he sees as being helpful to you.
Did your son (when he was a child), when he knew you were going somewhere in the afternoon, ask you more than once "is it time to go?" - you tolerated it because you knew he was excited. However, Sid doesn't remember asking (or telling) you about something and therefore will repeat it (if only twice, you are fortunate). As we have stated over and over again, this to shall pass. The hardest stages are 5 and 6 for most people and the inability to forget something that sticks in their brain like an old 45 record that repeats and repeats when stuck, drives everyone nuts. One of our group's husband is stuck on a subject and won't let go and it has been going on for months, and she is pulling her hair out too.
There is no answer to this other than time. We don't have the ability to "unstick" the record.
agreed mary. there is a very fine line that you have to cross to separate the me from us. the us is no longer. sad but true. this is the most difficult of all the AD dilemmas to turn lose of. once we release the US we are on our own and that becomes very scary. we are now on our own with a very dependent person attached at the umbilical cord. i think its whats so stiffling the fact that there is only one mind with 2 bodies attached. eventually you will come to terms with this sad revelation as time moves forward and you adjust to the new stages. divvi
I hope what Divvi and Mary say is true. I just can't separate the two, even though I struggle to do so. The Me seems to be lost somewhere. Actually, though, I'm not sure I ever was just ME. I wonder if the day will come when I find her. My whole life has been about making other people happy.
Bev, mine was too. I had to learn to please myself....go to lunch with my friends, go to lectures that interested me when I had someone to watch my husband. Find out who I AM. It takes time. You will build that wall around yourself brick by brick, but it is necessary for survival. It doesn't mean that you love them any less....you will still try to make them happy, but you will need to carve a spot for you...and build on it.
Bev - Maybe the real you is making others happy. Why is there anything negative about that? It pleases me to make others happy and I never forget to do things for myself, either. People around me often do things to make me happy--but I never ask, 'Is this the real YOU doing this?' Society is always asking women, 'What do YOU want?' and there doesn't seem to be an answer that makes society stop asking.
I wanted to be President or a forest ranger. In those days, they were absolutely closed to females. As much as I wanted them, I was never willing to fight and sacrifice for them, altho others did. Today I realize I am not thick-skinned enough nor arrogant enough to be President. And I like my creature comforts too much - hot water, soap, heating, soft bed - to be a forest ranger. Things worked out OK, anyway. You know who you are Bev, a good, decent person. Don't confuse WHO you are with what you DO.
I have acknowledged the loss of US. It's killing me, but I have done it. Did it quite awhile ago, actually. I hate it, but I can't change it. At the root of my lack of patience, I think, is everything else that is going on in my family, none of it good. Hanging over my head is the fact that I could lose 3 family members I love, and while I'm trying to deal with it, I'm listening to Sid's nagging (even though it's not really nagging). I can't stand it, and right now, I don't have patience for him. I know he's supposed to be my top priority, but my mind and heart is 1200 miles away in RI.
I think I will take joyful*'s suggestion, and get him one of those memo recorders.
Sorry for what you are dealing with, Joan. I know it must be hard. Just my opinion but I doubt the recorder idea will work. They don't learn new things very well and I'm guessing it's interaction with you that Sid really wants. He's not likely to want to talk to a machine. You are his world and it's to you that he will continue to turn to ask his many, many questions. Just wondering, maybe it's time to tweak his meds and your own. With an increased stress level over worrying about other family, what you've been taking may not be sufficient. Hope things improve for you.
Mary and Bettyhere, You've brought tears to my eyes. Maybe you're right. I guess I never really thought of it that way, but it sounds good.
Joan, I know what you mean about the nagging, especially when they're less important than the things you already have on your schedule. I haven't even had my taxes done yet! But, of course, his things are much more important then mine!? Today I had a whole list of things he wants me to do.
Joan, I know you are too young to remember record players, but sometimes when you played your favorite song, it would get caught in the same groove, and play over and over and over until you went over and moved the needle. Alz can be a lot like that...the record is skipping and you have to listen to it until you pick up the needle and move it. It is annoying to do over and over, but you are doomed to listen to the same skip unless you either turn off the record player, play a new record, or move the needle. And yes, sometimes you will have to hit the darn thing with a baseball bat or throw the record across the room. That works too!!!
joang----I think when facing serious health problems (in ourselves or others) and/or potential loss of close family members or friends, it is difficult when spouse no longer empathizes or understands the severity of the situation. No wonder the repetition becomes stressful. Even though you have accepted the loss of "us", it is circumstances such as what you are facing that accentuate that loss. Plus without the losses due to AZ, you'd likely have the option to be with your extended family more . . . offering support and help in person. But it's hard to leave a spouse and go when your AZ spouse's need for you is great.
Joan I read all the comment to date and agree that you have to separate yourself fromwhat is happening to your DH. I know its hard to do after looking after each other and having their backs for all those years, but things have changed and life has dealt a devastating blow to that relationship. as was stated above you are now a caregiver as well as everything else. It is a tall order ,b ut with GOD's help and encouragement from friends and readers you will survive. The alternative is that you will get sick and then separation WILL happen. so if you dont put yourself first and mind the store you will not be able to help anyone. STRESS is a killer and no one is totally free of it, but if you listen to your heart and not your head you can overcome it. I know you didn't come from a large family and only had one child but it is still possible to have selective hearing meaning you shut out what dou don't want to hear and that means the constant repetition of conversation. he cannot help what he does or say, but you can help how you react to it. we love your honesty and openess in this website and would be lost if something happened to you so take care of yourself (put yourself first) and you will be better able to care for DH. without stressing. life is short and GOD meant for you to enjoy it everyday.
Phranque: you must think we are all children. I still have my record collection: 33 and 45s plus my sister still has some of the 78s my mom had. Just don't have a record player to play them on.
I do like your analogy of when the needle would get stuck. Seems like it always happened when most inconvenient to go take care of it - like what often happens with our spouses.