I have received a private message on facebook from the husband of one of my closest friends. I don't know what to do, this is very new territory and I don't want to ruin a friendship. Help!!!!!!
Subject: A Visit I am on vacation the week of April 18th and all that I have to do the beginning of the week is be home while our deck is worked on. After they finish the job I was hoping to come up for a visit towards the end of the week, hopefully coming up on Wednesday the 21st and would head home Thursday afternoon or Friday morning. I can't wait to see you and thought that the night I come up I could take you out to dinner, then maybe you know a spot nearby that we could have a couple drinks and relax. Who knows maybe they'll have some music and you can give me the pleasure of a dance or two. Let me know if this sounds good, and I'll work diligently towards planning my trip up. Hope all is going well and Caren and I both send our love.
I assume this means he is planning to visit without his wife. Where is she? Does he know of your present situation? Is there another couple who could join you for the dinner and dancing? I don't have any advice except to be cautious. Would you "ruin a friendship" by telling him not to come or by having him come? If you don't want him to come you could just say that it is too soon after your LO's passing and you are not ready for visitors yet.
You need to get the answers to Marsh's questions....if the couple has been like brother and sister for years and years, respond that you would love to see them both, and will look forward to THEIR visit. And, as a back up, make reservations at a motel/hotel for him and have another couple of friends at your house and all go to dinner together...IF YOU ARE UP TO IT....
Or, as Marsh says, say it is too soon and you are not ready for visitors yet.
Susan, I had a similar situation last summer. A high school classmate of dh's and his wife always stopped in for a couple of days when they were in the state. Las summer I got a call and he said he wanted to stop in but his wife couldn't make it. She was staying with her sister who had just lost her husband and also their mother had just passed away. We he showed up, we went out to dinner with my neighbors and then I ask if he planned on going to visit another classmate and he said he thought he would just spend the night at my house and head back to his SIL's the next morning (about 2 hours away).
Long story short, He spent the night and we had great conversation talking about dh and all the things they had done. We had a good time although I did feel a little funny having a man spend the night even if he did sleep upstairs and me downstairs.
My sister happened to call that evening and I told her I couldn't talk long because I had a man spending the night and she said she'd call the next day. Not sure what she thought that night but I did explain the next night.
I'm not sure I would have gone along with it if he had suggested dinner, drinks and dancing. That sounds a little too much.
Susan, I think what I would do is to say that you would like to see him (if indeed you would) and dinner would be nice but you are not up to dancing quite yet. That way you have put down a boundary.
i think it sounds very fishy. some would prey on this situation and i find it odd that he'd want to go dancing etc so soon after your loss. i think hes trying to hit on you. be careful. i would ask him to come when they BOTH can come and then i'd still be careful. my opinion only divvi
Call me old fashioned. My husband and I have always believed that once you are married you do not dance with anyone but your spouse - its an issue of respect. I find that message very odd - suggesting you two go out drinking and dancing - and then throwing in the wife sends her love at the end. And all of this so soon after your loss...If this were on the up and up it should have been an email to you with his wife copied. I personally would decline the entire visit, say you are not up for company. Better safe than sorry...
My opinion only, but I agree with divvi and mary22033. It sounds fishy. If it were me, I would just say what mary22033 suggested - Thank you. I appreciate it, but I'm not up for company yet. And you could add - when I feel more receptive to company, I'll give Caren a call, and we can all get together.
I knew I could count on my family! I'm agreeing with Mary and Divvi, if it smells fishy, it probably is. Thanks Marsh for the male perspective, and yes he has known me for many years and was a pallbearer at Jim's funeral. His wife will be working. They've come up as a couple often, with and without other couples who are part of our "gang." We have all vacationed together and got together often when we lived in Massachusetts.
Where's Phranque when ya need him, lol. Aghhhhh I'll let you all know how it goes.
PS: Joyce, I don't even have my new doorknobs/with LOCKS on my newly painted bedroom yet!
I'll let you all know what happens, I'm responding tonight.
I absolutely agree with the rest. DON'T DO IT. I had a couple of bad experiences when my first husband died. Seems like some men think a widow just can't wait to jump in bed with someone. Not so.
Ok, here's the response I sent. Hope he gets the MESSAGE!
Thank you. I appreciate it, but I'm not up for company, dinner or dancing yet, it has, afterall only been 3 weeks today. When I feel more receptive to company, I'll give Caren a call, and we can all get together.
Thanks everyone. What makes men (present company excluded) think that women want to jump into bed with the first pair of pants that comes along??? My God, it's only been 3 weeks, tomorrow (Monday) would have been the 7th anniversary of when we met. This guy was sitting in the church with his wife and our closest friends ONE year ago when we Renewed our Wedding Vows.
Here I am Susan. You may not like my response. Any man with any kind of integrity would not suggest a visit, including dinner and dancing and drinks, and even mention an overnight stay to his wife's close friend. If it were me, I would never consider even asking, without an explanation of not being to bring his wife. I find his request not only fishy, but totally disrespectful and inconsiderate. I already lost respect for him.. and he would never be a friend of mine. I would have understood more if he were direct and said Hey I am coming over for sex OK??
When I went to meet the caregiver's in Miami, I was invited to spend the night with a very attractive and charming lady. I was very aware that it might be construed as inappropriate, but I went and I met the most fantastic classy lady ever. I feared tarnishing either of our reputations, but I would NEVER have suggested dinner and relaxing drinks. I did have a glass of wine, and loved the cat, but I slept alone as usual and would defend both our reputations.
Susan, dump the creep. His private messaged should be forwarded to his wife, and let them deal with the problem. You are an attractive woman, and a great caregiver, and you deserve much better than this, ( unless he buys you a new car , like at least a BMW or a Mercedes..)
Phranque, I've loved and respected you from the first time you posted....but now you have shown me that you are one very wise man who takes good care of us as well as your wife, your mom and Murray..... Thank you for being here for us! Great advice!!!!
Ah Phranque, thank you for you phrank advice and for being the kind of phriend every LADY would be proud to have. I am VERY grateful and thankful that you are MY Friend and I'd drink wine with you anytime :o) Thanks for being so good to ALL of US! Arms around, your friend, Susan
Susan, I think your e-mail handled it perfectly. Some men are just dogs (present company excluded, marsh and phranque). Same thing happened to me when I was a young divorcee with two small children. I was a secretary in the Detroit school district. As soon as word of my divorce got around, the married school administrators came out of the woodwork with indecent propositions. I think (after only 3 weeks) your friend is WAY out of line. Hang in there, girl.
Thanks, phunny, I haven't gotten a response back phrom him. I guess he got the message loud and clear. I've been the "gay" divorcee, and now I must be the "merry" widow? NOT!
Susan.. if you have his real email (one that his wife reads), you might reply to that address...someone with his poor integrity and judgement should reap the consequences of his actions. Perhaps I am to insensitive to his needs, but the guy strikes me as a creep and certainly not as a friend. I once had a friend who hit on my wife, and when I confronted him with it, he remained my friend, but I damaged his integrity. He lost my respect, and now is only an aquaintance, He has jeopardized not only his friendship but also his wife's. And you will feel the tension every time the gang gets together. Unfortunately, he has revealed his character, and you need to recognize a snake when you see one... I think his "hitting" on you was totally inappropriate (although I can;t blame him, because I am jealous that it was not me)
Susan L*, just my humble opinion, but you can afford to just let this drop. You sent an excellent email to the man. His wife knows him well; I don't think you need to educate her further. Be easy and relaxed with her when you do meet again: you did what you had to do, and you did not embarrass her, or alienate her as a friend.
Maybe his wife doesn't 'really' know him.... I didn't realize my first husband was cheating on me and had been for several months, until someone told me.
OK, here's another fly in the ointment! Just found out from my best friend that a mutual girlfriend had a problem with him in the past also! Now my feelings are hurt, I'm not the only one keeping him awake at night, lol! Aghhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
OMG!! I hadn't been following this thread and I just about busted a gut when I read the whole thing! Hey, Susan L....speaking as a spouse of TWO cheating husbands.....the wife already knows.
OK, here's another fly in the ointment! Just found out from my best friend that a mutual girlfriend had a problem with him in the past also! Now my feelings are hurt, I'm not the only one keeping him awake at night, lol! Aghhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
But I agree, Susan, don't tell his wife. She either knows or she doesn't but you have responded well and can let it drop now. If she were to confront you with it in the future you can give her a copy of the email you sent him (save it!) which clears you of all complicity and includes the reference to getting together with both of them.
Exactly what I've decided to do. I am going to block him from my Facebook page. Also sent an email asking him to stop sending jokes, etc. that at this point I am not up to joking around. Hopefully this will be the end of it.
Thank you all for all the wonderful advice, suggestions and opinions. I can't imagine life without you all.
SusanL* I just had a thought about this guy and his wife...could it just be that she knows he is a serial rounder? This is not the first time he has pulled something like this? I agree with Pharaque..to try to sweet talk you after only 3 weeks following the death of your DH and for an event without his wife, with some puny excuse as to why she can't come along.....the guy is a oily snake. His wife sounds like a nice woman and deserves better than this. Your message was so nicely worded that it is not offensive and the wife will get the picture about her husband. Maybe this is the nail she need to drive a stake in his scaly snake skin. In any event, if she no longer keeps in touch then it would seem she is too embarrassed to see you after that stunt. If that turns out to be the case, you could call on her for lunch to see if your own friendship can survive sans her snake of a husband. Otherwise you are better off all the way around. You don't need opportunists in your world, you need honest supportive friends. Hugs to you!
Susan, I just went back and read the rest of the posts...the guy is a serial rounder. A big anaconda of a snake and I"ll bet his wife has some inkling. I would do more than block him from facebook, I would tell him to stop emailing period and then take his address out of your address book so any email gets returned.. The only good thing snakes are good for is on a purse or shoes....and then I have my doubts.
Please realize that the whistle blower can be the one that the wife blames, accuses you of lying and gets the whole family behind her to shut you out. Believe me, it happens.
Me, with my two-cents-worth again. Sometimes, the best response is no response at all. The message, "I can't be bothered with this nonsense," is implied, and you don't run the risk of it becoming a game with them. Turn your attention back on yourself, your life and what you want to do with it. They will get the message. I remember my first husband setting up with his best friend how the best friend would "take care of me " when my husband was overseas for a long period of time. I didn't know about their arrangement for a couple of months into my husband's absence. It was like having a snake come out of the wall. I found the best thing was not to respond (after my initial reply, which was similar to yours) - and that got through to his ego.
Well, so far, it's been no news! He has not responded about me blocking him on Facebook, and has stopped sending me emails. So I do believe he has gotten the idea. The next issue will be when the gang wants to get together. I'll just place myself between my best friend and another girlfriend so that I don't get stuck sitting next to HIM!
Sounds like a good solution Susan. If he does insist on coming near you, continue to be the mature one and treat him like a casual friend. Say hi and excuse yourself. In time hopefully the awkwardness of the situation will go away and be in the past so you can enjoy all their company again.
Well, time has told. He told his wife he thought it was time for a GIRLS WEEKEND, because he had emailed me and offered to TAKE ME TO LUNCH????? She wanted to know why I didn't want to go and if I was alright. No, I am not alright, I will not be alright for a long time and HE DID NOT ASK ME TO LUNCH, HE ASKED ME TO DINNER AND THEN SOMEWHERE QUIET FOR DRINKS AND PERHAPS FLIPPING DANCING! She said, Well remember his nickname....CJ, (Court Jester). Well, I told her it didn't seem funny to me and I'm in no mood for any of it. The End. (I hope)
I guess she knew about his behavoir from proir episodes and did not want to apologize for the bum. She just blew it off not caring about your feelings. Too bad she does not understand, how much time you have spent trying not to hurt her feelings or your relationship , but was quick to laugh off her husband's actions. I would find her to be a questionable friend.
Me too. I don't like the way this guy's wife blew you off.." remember his nickname CJ" What hooey. If she had the slightest understanding of what you have been through coupled with your recent loss she would march right on home and slap that fool. He is what the French would call a ma chere ( or masher)..what a boar. You are well rid of both of these people. Concentrate on meeting people who are worthy of YOUR friendship. Hugs