1. For him getting the illness, even though neither of us had anything to do with it. 2. For my wanting to do things that he can't do with me. 3. For enjoying my respite time. 4. For going on vacations without him.
5. Going on trips he would have loved-without him 6. enjoying the grand daughter he has forgotten he has 7. creating a happy new life for myself and not having to worry about rages
The only guilt any of you should feel is for feeling guilty in the first place. This drat disease has caused me all sorts of feelings, but guilt isn't one of them.
lack of patience, being angry because he no longer understands verbal directions and can't accomplish what I think he should, why didn't I "catch on" sooner that he was having problems.
How much easier things would be if I did not feel guilty. I feel guilty for leaving him at Daycare, I feel guilty when I lose my patience, I feel guilty that I don't think I can do this one more day, I feel guilty for wanting to go out and have fun, my list goes on....
Your question on guilt, and everyone's answers, including other emotions, prompted this weekend's blog. I invite everyone to log onto the home page - www.thealzheimerspouse.com - and read it. Click the links within the blog that take you to other blogs on loneliness, grief, and resentment. We feel them all. And then feel guilty because we feel those emotions.
Before I knew what he has, for a couple of years when the whole house was out of control and I thought I was losing MY ability to function and did not recognize there was something off base, I used to find myself thinking, maybe because my girl friend is now divorced and getting things done, " Now if I was single I would do this or that" Or when I was single I could do this or that without someone else having input" This recollection really makes me feel terrible..I was never wishing DH gone or somewhere else..I was wishing for enough time to get projects finished. Now the house is what it is,,I do my best and if company comes by well too bad, I can only do so much and when pulled from pillar to post it is impossible some days.
I feel guilty because I'm not able to keep him occupied with activities he'd enjoy and get involved in. I know it's not my fault if he just sits around the house, but I still feel as if I should be able to motivate him.
Feeling guilty, if I don't visit every day at the ALF.
Feeling guilty, that I had to place him. As I sit with him in the dinning area, feeding him, I look around at the other residents...that are 20-30 years older than him & think at 59 years old he doesn't belong here. He belongs at home, playing his beloved golf, enjoying his family & retirement.
Feeling guilty, when I lost my patience with him, and wishing for the day I didn't have to be a caregiver....that time has come & I hate it. Makes me sad, to think I ever had those thoughts.
With my husband far ahead of most (end stage 7) I realize now that I don't feel guilty any more. I made the best decisions I could as we went along. Nothing can stop a moving train-the disease would have its way. I am finally finding some peace.
I feel guilty that I am healthy and he is sick. But even though I am healthy, I am not healthy enough to care for him at home and had to place him. Kadee, I feel your pain. Even though Charlie is older than your husband, even at 69 he is one of the youngest residents at his facility and oh how I wish I could have kept him at home.
When I sit down to watch a favorite TV program or read a book, I no sooner sit down than he calls upstairs to me, yet again, and I pretend I don't hear him. Then I feel guilty....
Bev,don't feel guilty when you pretend not to hear him,by evening I am so tired and worn down ,I will often pretend I don't hear a Question I've already been asked 12 times that evening and I don't feel guilty because he forgets he asked it 2 minutes later.We do have our limits.
I have just completed an in depth study of this topic...How many ways can we feel guilty?
And the answer is 1,242.
However, I feel very little guilt because I did nothing to cause this disease. Guilt only applies if you consciously make the same mistake over and over and refuse to acknowlege that you are at fault. I make plenty of mistakes (it is a trial and error disease), and feel no guilt because in my heart, I am trying to do the right thing... Since the same action will often produce different results, my guilt is non-existent because I am sincerely trying my best to care for my dw. I am sorry to say that I have very little guilt about what I am doing. I cannot do any better than my absolute best..
I was feeling guilty because I didn't stay overnite at the hosp this week. He hates to see me go, but I need to go home and recharge, even if all I do is ceck my email and go to sleep, I need to do that for me. Thank you phranque, I can't do better than my best.
Amen, Phranque, I was starting to feel guilty because while caregiving I never felt guilty....! I didn't cause it and I couldn't fix it. All I, and anyone can do, is give it your best shot.
Phranque, I think, since I have been reading your wise advice on so many threads, I am waiting to hear the news about your soon to be best seller of AD advice for caregivers. You have a special way of getting things into focus. You are amazing! Thank heavens you are here with us.
Please do not feel guilty about anything... Pat yourselves on the back everyday for the wonderful job you do 24-7...Well meaning friends are quick to say they understand but unless they've walked the walk and talked the talk.. they have no clue what our days and nights are like..Maybe I'm going thru a change myself but suddenly, I see that I matter TOO and that if I get DH thru this, then I WILL pursue a future....We can only do the best we can and after that, it is not in our hands..This is not to rush life along but simply, my way of having a reason to get up each day and face whatever life throws at me.. Phranque, let me know if indeed, I can get a copy of that best seller..Loveya
Most recently, it's forgetting our anniversary on Sun. I went to see DH too! How could I not remember when I was sitting there with him?
Last year was our first anniversary since he entered the NH. I didn't remember until that night, and then I cried because I hadn't remembered, but at least I remembered sometime that day. This year, I didn't remember until the next day.
Next year, will I remember a week later?
I feel like this is a sign of my losing him, feeling more and more distanced. And I hate it!
I also feel guilty every day that he is stuck in that wheelchair, unable to communicate in any meaningful way. Every time I feel like I am enjoying myself I feel guilty that he isn't there to experience it.
Peggy, don't you mean "phlattered"? I've had so much fun with 'ph' words. I have a list of my own.....phlatulant is on the top of my list!! Sorry. I need a reason to laugh.
There are numerous things I could feel guilty about if I was still experiencing guilt like I used to. No more. I'm too occupied with sadness, anger, depression, anxiety.....to feel guilty. And I never feel guilty that I'm healthy and he has AD as I feel as I've told him when he has said he feels bad that the burden has fallen to me: "WE got this disease. It is not his disease. It is our disease. It affects us differently."
We both lost our dreams for our retirement years. He has lost cognitive function but still enjoys many things. I live with depression which I fight like hell to conquer but still leaves me with fewer and fewer moments of joy or contentment and a complete lack of desire for a future life past this disease. He is 67 and is in good physical health, loves walking, running. I'm 58, have gained 50 lbs in 2 years and have been hit with physical ailments putting my "real age" higher than his.
None of us should be feeling guilty. We have enough to deal with. That's one thing we can just let go of.
Good for you, terry.. All of us get pangs of guilt when we do enjoy time away... This disease is what it is and shows no signs of reversing,,, so look after yourself... Eat healthy, buy an exercise tape , play fantastic music and YES,, boogie while you perform your endless duties.. Find JOY, wherever you can get it.. You've worked for it, and you should have it...I have to believe there is a life after and THAT sustains ME.. Loveya
Well today I feel kinda bad about something that happened last night. We got a call from the tax lady..not good news..owe $$$ this time... Anyway DH started to ruminate which he does when things are of a concern to him. How are we going to pay this tax bill..gad you would think Michael Anthony ( from the old Millionaire show) had come to visit. I told him to relax I would contact the financial advisor and we will sort this all out..He said, we have to go up there tomorrow. I said no we will talk to him first and he can come here, you have PT tomorrow..( He thinks PT is nonsense.. yet his walking is slow and not steady and he wants to do more but it is nonsense ya right) then he said I'll drive in tomorrow, I said NO we will TALK to the advisor and then know what to do I am not driving in tomorrow..then I'll go he says..I said no you won't. You don't drive anymore I do it. He says he can too drive and will go in on his own, I told him, not in a mean way, no you can't not anymore. He said YES I CAN, to which I finally sadly said, you can't find your way to the doctor in town now without directions. You eventually wander around til you get there but you do get disoriented. Once you are in the right area you then figure it out but you risk getting lost. Then he sadly just said " stop it". This is heartbreaking for someone who flew jets and other kinds of aircraft and knew directions to everywhere. Color me blue,
Mimi, your comments today echo everything I'm going through this past couple of weeks. We went through all the driving stuff last week, even though he seemed to have been fine with me driving for the past two years. And, he ruminates and ruminates and ruminates. It is heartbreaking. My DH managed drug stores and was a college professor, just short of a PhD. I wonder why they say that a person who keeps his brain healthy through education and work has less of a chance of getting this disease. What a lot of hooey!