I'm so conflicted....still. Most of you know my story. 'Nuf said, then. I'm going to court in the morning for my "hearing" about spousal support. (although I'm NOT divorcing John) Seems like now (this past week) the nursing home has conceeded that I do indeed have POA and am his health care surrogate. I can now make the hard decisions that should be made to either preserve his poor quality of life .... or let him go to his blood disorder. I find that suddenly, I'm this jellyfish of a person, unable to face those choices. I just want his care providers to make him presentable to me and other family at this point. Thus, my discussion on another thread about hygiene issues. What's wrong with me. I'm not in love with this man any more....all has been lost over the last few years. Suddenly, I'm sick with grief....found this song by Evanescence on my I-Pod and it floored me. I'm a mess. After court tomorrow, I'm going to go to the funeral home and prepay his expenses, write his obit., etc. God. I can't even talk to the kids about this. They don't want any information.....say they can't handle it. Thanks for listening. Love, Jen.
"My Immortal"
I'm so tired of being here Suppressed by all my childish fears And if you have to leave I wish that you would just leave 'Cause your presence still lingers here And it won't leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal This pain is just too real There's just too much that time cannot erase
[Chorus:] When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears And I held your hand through all of these years But you still have All of me
You used to captivate me By your resonating light Now I'm bound by the life you left behind Your face it haunts My once pleasant dreams Your voice it chased away All the sanity in me
These wounds won't seem to heal This pain is just too real There's just too much that time cannot erase
[Chorus]
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone But though you're still with me I've been alone all along
Jen, You just sound so exhausted from stamping out all these snakes.. I don't think anyone of us can tell you what to do with the decisions you face. When my mom died of AD and I reported it to her PCP, they actually asked me what the cause of death was..I said AD and they told me no it had to be something else...but she never had a stroke in her life, she had a pacemaker that probably kept her going longer than otherwise she might have. I was told that folks generally do not die from AD but from a complication from some other issue..So with your husband's history, the decision may be taken out of your hands by a greater Power. Perhaps there may have been something he said to you, when he was in a better state of health, that could guide your decision. If so, that would give you some peace with any decision you face. Hang in there, We are hanging in there with you. Hugs and try to get some rest.. Mimi
Enter, Jennifer, after my day in court. Briefly, here's how it went. Met in judges chambers with my attorney and John's guardian et lietem....guardian said that when he met with John, he was animate that he didn't want me to have a DIME of his money. (?) Guardian doesn't understand why the son that is a lawyer won't respond to his calls for information or why any of the other children don't offer any input (the judge seemed to believe that this should be a matter of the family getting together and also couldn't really believe that THERE IS NOTHING provided for me by John). I told her the children weren't interested in dealing with their father.
The final judgement in all this is that I have been "awarded" only $500 a month. The rest of his income will go to the nursing home. I WILL, however, recieve back all the monies I've paid the nursing home and other care services after he is qualified (finally) for Medicaid. Meanwhile, I keep paying. Also discovered there is quite a bit of cash that went to his daughter's address in Richmond. Quite a bit. I'm lost. The judge (a young woman) looked at me at one point (I remained very reserved and in control of my emotions) and asked, "what have you been doing for the last 28 years? You're telling me you've never worked, never pursued a career path?" (wouldn't THAT make anyone feel totally worthless?) I said I've just been a wife and mom. Sorry. She asked me what I'd EVER done before marrying John. I told her I was in the advertising field and that now days, they do all I used to do using a computer program, clip art and stock photos. She then said that I'd have to be retrained. $500. In other words, go get a job, you lazy gold-digging bimbo. My life has been wasted. I want to run away. Those words from her only confirmed the one thing I feel about myself. A wasted life. Alone, more alone than ever. I dont think I have a feeling left for anything. I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't want to ever see John again. It can't hurt anything if I don't. Who cares. Since I HAVE finally been recognized as his POA and able to make health care choices, I doubt I'll be okaying anymore blood transfusions when they call me about it.
So sorry, Jen. Don't these young women judges have any idea of what other people might be going through in their lives? Very insensitive. I understand your feelings and I know how strong you are; you'll bounce back.
Jen, My heart is in pieces for you after this experience. I cannot for the life of me understand why these wizards of smart do not comprehend they are dealing with a memory impaired man who is in no position to make decisions but they seem to honor him more than you. And finding out large amounts of money have been going to his daughter when it should be used for his care is criminal. There is so much good in you and what you have been and are trying to do for someone so cruel to you... I swear if I had been treated by my step kids like this and my husband I would be so inclined to just tell them to ( I can't use the word here but you know which one I mean and it begins with eff) off, divorce the man and dump his carcass in their laps and walk away, regain my sanity and never look back. But you are one who takes obligations seriously ( we all do no matter how bad it gets, shrug) and will find a way to see this through to the end. I cannot imagine for the life of me, why this man has done the things to you he has. Worse I cannot imagine such a judge so lacking in understanding. From here on out, just do what you think is honestly right and in this ungrateful man's best interest and then worry not one more second, do not second guess yourself, hold your head high and know you did the best you could for as long as you could. Hugs and tears are with you.. Mimi
Jen, I'm sorry for your not getting an understanding judge. Your life hasn't been worthless. You are a very talented person. Your art shows us all that!