Dear God, I am sitting here at 2:15 am, with a knot in my stomach, sick inside. I realized again that my dh has stolen, this time from me. I asked him yesterday, 3/17, to help me install my new printer. He agreed. When he unhooked the old one, I told him to put in on the floor, that I was going to donate it to a thrift shop. He did. Later, when I was putting my office back together, I realized that the old printer was gone. He had sneaked it out of the room when I wasn't looking. This was vintage him, something he has always done in the 23 years that I have known him. He hoards, and he couldn't stand the fact that I was going to donate the printer. Rather than have a fight with him, I said something to make him aware that I knew he had taken it out of my office room. He said curtly, about the computer, "I'll take care of it." I let it drop. The more I thought about it as I lay in bed tonight, the more violated I felt. It belongs to me, yet rather than ask me for it, he sneaked it. Just like he stole that dead battery from that estate sale recently, w/o paying for it, and I confronted him. And, he continues to steal cookies from Furr's Cafeteria, I'm certain, and I think he's hiding them in the garage rather than put them in the refrigerator like he used to do until I confronted him about stealing them.
Is his action today in taking that printer more indication of his slipping further into FTD? Or, is it old vintage actions like he's done for years, in hoarding and not wanting me to discard anything? He's not dx for FTD. It's just his actions that tell me that he a flaming FTD. Period. The rages, anger, stealing--you name it.
I am so disgusted. I can't trust him in any way. I fear what he'll pull next.
Hanging On,my husband does the same thing,sneaks things I've put in the gargage back in the house,or when I ask him to take outh the garbage half will end up back in the barn or house.But I've found lately small items that I am sure he's shop lifting from Goodwill store,they turn up in his drawers and he claims he doesn't know where they came from. What do you do if he gets caught and he certainly will at some time.I try to keep a close eye on him in the stores.He also hides things in his pickup truck. I am worried sick.
That sounds exactly like my dh, yhourniey. If he gets caught, I intend to tell the person in the store that he has dementia, even tho he hasn't been dx. I'm sure he has FTD. He's on seroquel.
I understand how you both feel. I thought my husband had stopped stealing too, but the other day while I was at Best Buy picking up my laptop from the Geek Squad counter, he got away from me for about a minute. Thought nothing of it until we got in the car and he takes a handful of m&ms out of his coat pocket and starts eating them. I asked he where he got them and he said he just took them because he wanted them. I know its small but he could still get in trouble if caught.
That's the attitude I get from dh, too, Deb. He told me a while back that he steals the cookies from Furr's Cafeteria because so many other people don't clean their plates, that he feels it's ok for him to take the cookies, that he feels justified. They seem to justify their actions, like children do. They want it, so therefore they take it.
Ladies, this is a symptom of the disease...there is no cure....the only thing you can do when they take things from a business or restaurant is as Hanging On said - tell them he has dementia or AD or FTD and apologize.
You can't really fault them for taking things because they are children mentally, who really have forgotten that they aren't supposed to do that. It is so hard since they are in the adult body to realize that they aren't adults any more. Try to picture an 5 or 6 year old...that is still at a stage where you are teaching them right and wrong....it doesn't make it easier to live with - we still get mad and upset and feel like they should understand - but it won't happen, or if it does, it is only for a moment until they forget again....
The only reason I am posting this is to try to help you see that we can't stress over the little things....we need to keep our reserves for the larger items on our agenda....Feel free to rant here......WE UNDERSTAND......BEEN THERE, DONE THAT!!!!!
When my MIl was living with us, I caught her taking what wasn't hers several. After going to the nursing home, we'd find may glasses and teeth in her drawers, which obviously weren't hers. I spoke at that time to the nurses etc, and they all said.... they all do it. her glasses and teeth are probably in someone elses drawer. My DH takes brochures, whereever there's a pile of them. I know they are free, but then I have to throw them out, recycle them. mail, if I don't hide it, he saves it, for years we have catalogs, until I take it upon myself to go into his den, and clean out, and amazingly, he doesn't notice, although I don't get rid of everything at the same time. Nowadays, I don't think he'd notice at all. It is absolutely part of the disease. the filters are gone, and so are the inhibitions.
While in nursing home settings its fairly common for them to take whats not their's, in the real world its still considered stealing. and a grown person is likely to cause an issue. if they are caught it could lead to lots of unwanted dealings with legal issues and if they are dx they may get off. if no dx its not going to be so easy. they can still put it on their records as shoplifting plain and simple . i would not allow my spouse out of sight- or in the store if you think it will continue. its another sad aspect of AD but its something WE have to resolve in the end. like mary says they are child like but adults according to law. divvi
I thought my DH was only one picking up brochures,catalogs.etc. all the time.I,too have to sneak them out to the garbage but a lot of times they reappear.I get so tired of the clutter.He also takes food from the smorgasbord where we eat often.They have signs up saying you will be banned if you get caught taking food,I would hate not being able to eat there.Should I tell the management before he gets caught? Or wait until he's found out?
One of the first places I stopped taking my husband to was a cafeteria!!!!! He tried to get one of everything! <grin> As long as I can put him in a booth where I sit on the outside beside him is comfortable for me. And we have to move the sugar/sweetener packets....he'll open them and pour them into his mouth.... <grin>
Does this remind you of 3-5 year olds? It did me....
Mary, I couldn't believe it when you mentioned about the sugar packets. The man who sits at Jean's table in the dining room hardly eats any of his meal. I've seen him go in there at other times (they play bingo in there) and sit at the table and open the sugar/sweeteners and pour them in his mouth. I've noticed that he always eats anything sweet. I guess we've all noticed that with our spouses. Anything sweet.
yhouniey, ABSOLUTELY, take time to speak to the Smorgasboard management. Try the opening that used to always work for ME...Begin with "I need your help..." and then tell them how much you enjoy eating there, but his behavior is sometimes a bit challenging for YOU.. " and explain that he can not help what he does. I had to do that at church and several other places, and was initially surprised at how they'd pitch in...or just wink and shrug, as if to say, "don't worry". It takes a village, dear sister...to raise children and to care for our loved ones when they have Alzheimer's Disease. Being up front with the management is your best chance of ensuring that you'll always be welcomed there.
Nancy, I love that opening. I'm going to remember it. People ARE usually pleased to be able to be helpful if they are asked in such a way. I agree too about the village. We live in a village here and I've been coming to realize lately that a lot of people that I don't even know -- or only vaguely from seeing them often in the shops -- are aware of our situation and give me sympathetic smiles. And of course there are a lot of people that I DO know and who are also so encouraging. I hope I can stay here always.