Joan, this isn't surprising since we are the same age--I could have written your weekend blog. It mirrors my experience to a T. I have just finished emailing friends that I spent my week handling tax issues and evaluating 3 proposals for a new heating and air conditioning system, areas that were formerly my husband's domain. My words were "it felt empowering" to know that I can handle these issues, take my time, and make a good decision. I don't know about you, but now I see how dependent I was in the past and feel good about having developed these skills I never knew I had. Although we had careers outside of the home, I guess many women of our generation still fell back into the old roles based on gender regarding many areas. I think what you described is a surprising "upside" to our dilemma as dementia caregivers--as you said, a silver lining. I know it has boosted my self-esteem.
Momday will be our 51st anniversary. For us it was love at first sight. I, as an only child , went from home to college to marriage. Never alone and having to make decisions. My husband wanted to manage everything and I was content for him to do so. As I gradually lost him I began to take over management of our lives. To my surprise I found I could do it-and felt much better about myself. I find, as I am now alone, that I can enjoy my own company. It is what it is.
I, too, came into marriage straight from my parent's house. My husband was capable and always handled our finances, investments, etc. It never bothered me, I wasn't concerned and we always made big decisions together. When he became incapacitated I had to take over the bill paying, decision making and every other aspect of life. Like you, Bluedaze and Marilyn, it gave me a good feeling to know that I didn't need someone to take care of me....I could take care of myself.
I am alone, too, and don't find it to be any big deal...you are right...it is what it is. And, what you make of it.
It's a shame that it takes such a traumatic event as our husbands' illnesses to give us the opportunity to find out we can do it all. I wonder if younger women are more self-sufficient all along? And do male caregivers have similar experiences?
I am 70 years old; married 3 months out of high school; adopted a terrific baby boy; trudged all over the country with my air force husband. Had to do most everything during that period. Divorced after 14 years. Worked 3 jobs to support my child and still did it all. Married my current DH 4 years later. I was so used to doing it all - and he was supportive of what I wanted to do, but would, could and did do a lot also. We were in business together and I have always handled finances; I had learned earlier to do lots of household repairs, negotiate with repairmen, etc. But, I always had HIM to bounce things off of and we would make a decision together. Now that ALZ has struck, the "making decisions together" is, of course, gone. I miss that. But I am glad that I have learned to take care of myself. As stated above, 'it is what it is'.
I taught a year after college, married, had four children. I went back to school, got a Master's degree in education. I taught, was a school counselor and worked in the school system for 23 years. I looked forward to retirement. Not long into retirement AD cut short 'our golden years'. I sold a house, bought a townhouse and take care of everything. Right now I,too, am evaluation heating/air conditioning con estimates. i also have to decide whether to give my husband's car to our 22 year old granddaughter or her father. The thing I hate most is making all the decisions. I guess I may agonize too much. There is probably not a lot of difference between a York or a Trane system. I hate that when something goes wrong in the house, he just looks at me.
Joan, thank you for today's post...it says exactly what I have felt also...Though I miss what my husband and I had before AD, but I am learning to accept what we have now. And I have learned to do and handle a lot more than I thought I ever could, or would, alone!
Although I have always been very independent and capable of making important decisions affecting our lives, I miss the partnership in evaluating the decisions and bouncing thoughts off someone who was equally invested in the outcome. I can, have and now always will be able to make the decisions no matter how much I do/don't know but I miss the partnership and validation that it is the right decision. I am greatful I was single and independent for several years before I married. It prepared me for the independent decision making I now have to do, but it didn't prepare me for losing a trusted advisor.
Yeah...I can go it alone. I'm tough. Yep. Not sure I want this house, and the maintenance pertaining thereto...but we'll have to wait to see how that pans out. Actually, I was feeling pathetically alone this morning, so I packed Jeff into the car and went on visiting rounds--first to Mom's then to my sister's.
I'm in the same boat as everyone else here, but Marilyn's comment about younger women is very apropo, I feel. My daughter is totally in charge of finances for their family, as it didn't turn out to be her husband's area of expertise. Everyone has their own strengths to bring to a union, and from what I hear, the younger women are more than stepping up to the plate. Surely wish I had paid more attention early on as perhaps some huge $$ errors could have been avoided.
I had just been thinking about this before I read Joan's blog. I thought yesterday that for the first time ever, I could now make it by myself. DH used to take care of everything and I loved being taken care of but it's also so good to know how to do all the things he always did. Making decisions about things by myself is the hardest part.
My life mirrors much of the above. Went from childhood to marriage at 17 to 19 year old husband. Had 54 good years together, working together in a variety of businesses we owned. Somewhere in there AD entered the picture - maybe as long as 15 years ago. He became more dependent on me with decision-making where he had always been a strong Community Leader in our area. Our roles started reversing gradually. We would go to National Trade Shows and he could no longer find his way to exits or displays, in airports I guided him to the gates. We sold our last business and I had to almost completely take over the Inventory and business turnover. He told me for months he had AD before we consulted a Doctor. He was aware of his disease while I chose to "make excuses" to him and for him. There was no AD in his family and at that time I thought AD was a family inherited disease - only. When I finally made an appointment with our PCP - he told our friend- the Doctor - his Memory was getting bad. He was asked some of the questions - Who was President, etc. and he answered all of them with no hesitation. Our Doctor talked with us a while and immediately made him an appointment with a Neurologist and things went on from there, same as with most of you, to taking 3 or more years for a diagnosis.
4 years before he passed, 3 months ago, I made another Major, Major decision to build us our Dream Home on 18 acres of property we were keeping for a Home. He could no longer make any decisions about things. I had a 1600' road built, underground utilities installed and a new handicap friendly Home, I more or less designed myself. After 9 long months of construction my kids and I packed, movers moved us the 1/2 mile and Paul never lifted a finger because he couldn't. My 90 year old Mother also lived with us and we all moved. I don't know how I survived all this and my kids thought at times they would have to have me "committed". But with great family support, great PCP, comforting meds. We made it. The first 3 weeks after moving I didn't "do a thing" other than guide Paul and Mom around the new house and basic needs. They would come out of a bedroom and forget which way to turn. They both asked me numerous times "why did I do this to them". Many times I wondered myself. Had I NOT did it Paul would have been an invalid 2 years earlier than he did because he would not have been able to work in his garden because he was unable to get to it. Mom would not have had the picture windows to view the outside world and our wonderful panoramic view in all directions. They would not have been able to watch the birds at the feeders or the deer eating our grass. I would most likely have been in a state of complete depression.
I think the men in the same situation with having to take over the household duties of the woman are seeing similar situations in their circumstances. Like repeated many times above. It is what it is and we have to do what we have to do, or can do, or at least try.
During my growing up years, my folks emphasized the importance of getting an education so we'd be able to "take care of ourselves". They were a bit more pointed about it with me. I think because, with my disability, I might more likely have to take care of myself. After getting my Master's in Library Science, I landed a job in my field and moved into my first apartment. I had lived on campus from 1968-1971, August before going to work and was on my own until DH and I married in August, 1974. I have taken care of myself. I know I can. I've been caregiving him since 1988 when his Mental Breakdown occurred. Even then, at first he was involved to some degree but eventually I began doing all the looking out for us. I haven't liked this status near as well. I am doing it for us, and will do it again for me alone, eventually, but I don't really like it. It can be nice to answer to no one but myself sometimes. But it sure was nice when WE checked things out, and when WE decided things together. I have liked knowing there's somebody in my corner when crap happens. I was never "taken care of" in my adult years, but rather I was partnered, and I miss that.
And you know, alzheimers, because it comes on so slowly, does allow us the opportunity to take over various jobs one at a time, at least that's how it's been for us. Now, I do everything, but not all at once. Looking back, I remember, I took over the bills, for example, by first going over them with him, and then showing him errors, which I discovered, by the fact that we were, say overdrawn, and then I took them over, by telling him, I could do it on the computer and save time and money. Most things happened that way. Driving, well, that's another issue, but now I do all the driving. I had to tell him I needed the experience and he still thinks he lets me drive. (LOL) I just redid the kitchen, and he was upset because he thought he hadn't been consulted, but I reminded him that he looked at appliances with me (Thank goodness, that happened) now, however, I could probably do anything and he'd not notice, or comment.
Chris, Where you have been and are now, I am finding myself. I took over the bills by saying that he had done this for so many years that when he goes on a trip ( which he might still be able to do with assistance) I need to be familiar with the bills. I have been all along but this made sense to him. As to the driving I have said the same thing..I need the practice. In fact most of the time he is happy to let me drive. But now and then he will say he needs to drive so he doesn't forget how. While I think his skill is still good, I do know he gets a little confused as to how to get to places in town though he can still wind his way around and get there. He used to do the grocery shopping..he loved grocery stores..go figure ( may have had to do with his time as Mr Mom before i came along and he would chat with the ladies and swap receipes). I can still get him to go over the ads but he is happy to let me go to the store. I am noticing now that he is reading less, could be a vision thing or.....