Actually, in most states, you can have someone w/mental problems involuntarily committed or at least get outpatient treatment usually if they refuse treatment or are a danger to themselves or others. Mostly these laws are being passed for people like the man who killed students at VirginiaTech, but they can also cover AD. Search for involuntary committment + your state: i.e. involuntary committment + California. When my husband became violent and the police were called in CA he was involuntarily committed. It certainly was not easy emotionally, but it was a Godsend on many levels--we cannot handle these things alone, much as we might want to. It has different names, in FL it's the Baker Act, in NY it's Kendra's Law, etc.
All I can say is, I am so very grateful my husband and I haven't gone through the "universal" divorce thing, or any rages or paranoia ... and I sure hope to high heaven we never do. We are far enough into our relationship -- almost 19 years, now, and all of them good, even with the AD -- that I could not possibly consider leaving him even if it does turn very bad. He has no one else to turn to, and I have accepted responsibility for him.
But I don't know how I'd deal with it. I cannot imagine the pain so many of you have, constantly dealing with threats of divorce, and worse. And I can certainly understand the need to get out of a relationship that does not have a strong underpinning of many years of a close, loving intimacy to see you through the rough times.
I do agree with Starling and Mary, the first rule of caregiving is that you take care of the caregiver first.
But I also think that if the ADLO is not getting a sense of security, love, and support out of the relationship -- due to the AD, yes, but it's just as real to them as if the relationship itself were bad -- then maybe continuing the relationship is bad for the ADLO as well as for the "healthy" partner.
I am having a very difficult time expressing what I'm trying to say. But ... are we, perhaps, so worried about public opinion if we were to divorce an AD patient ("what a b...h, how could anyone be so heartless, yadda yadda"), so confused about our own motives, so ridden with guilt about EVERYTHING, that we don't really look at what might be best for the AD spouse?
Something needs to be done other than just plugging along in mutual misery. How can we provide good care for someone if our very presence upsets them? The stress and the anger are very bad for the ADLO, not just for the caregiver. Therapy will not help an ADLO understand that their own illness is the problem, not their spouse. Maybe medicines will help sometimes, like the Risperdal and Effexor that helped rglennon's husband, but what if they don't, or the AD spouse won't take them?
I think the only thing to do is to try to think things through as fully as possible, and be as objective about your individual situation as you can. Get legal and medical advice on what the options are, and try to determine what would be best for you AND for your ADLO. Quite possibly, there are times when divorce is better for the ADLO, especially if there is a way for you to make sure that he is well cared for in the future, without endangering your own physical, mental, and financial well-being.
ASY, I hope you understand that I was simply trying to answer Mary's and Starling's questions about whether AD patients CAN be divorced, NOT offering any commentary on your particular situation. You have my very deepest sympathy.
We are also nineteen years married. It's been ten days since our terrible episode and I still have the bruises, DH doesn't remember. There have been a few incidents since but not physical. Today his daughter asked again if I am considering having him live with her, I told her yes, everyday.I have such a hard time doing this without family, I think I will have him live with his family across the country. I would visit but I think he will be very angry with me and will not want to see me and then will forget me. He is in stage5/6. Its a really difficult decision.
Bluedaze-it speaks volumes when you call for help and the help tells you you are the problem. That seems to be a common thread, the AD patient is able to pull things together and appear perfectly normal for a given period of time. But I have found that my husband can only keep this facade for this given period of time because of the energy it takes. I think I will share this information you have shared with my husband's neurologist, I wonder if he could put in writing that there is a potential for violence and if I call for help read this and believe me. Just thinking out loud here. Anna no one should be tolerating such physical abuse. I know of no other disease where someone has the right to be physically abusive. Right now I am trying to hold my marriage together, BUT if my husband ever physically abuses me I am out the door. No amount of love or years together, etc. can condone putting oneself at physical risk. It is traumatic enough to put up with the verbal abuse. That in itself is extremely painful and also has physical side effects from the stress in induces. I will tolerate that and attempt to deal with it through therapy, Xanax, etc. Never will I become a punching bag. His kids can have him then and they can deal with it.
Shortly after DH’s diagnosis I “registered” him as a person with dementia with the police department, fire department and paramedics in the town where we lived. I did this because I feared that because of some strange behavior, he might be treated harshly by the police, or proper care not be given by paramedics. But it seems like it would also be helpful when people with AD become threatening. I was told that with any call to our address, it would come up from their database that a person with dementia lived here. Sometimes they even send different people on a call because of that information.
Having a letter from the doctor sounds like a brilliant idea. I don’t have a problem with violence now, but who knows what could happen tomorrow? Thank you for sharing that idea, ASY.
I didn't know one could register with a police department,etc.. JanK who did you contact to do this registration? With a letter and registration perhaps we can avoid an unpleasant situation.
ASY – I just called the non-emergency numbers for each one (don’t call 911 or they will be very unhappy with you!). These non-emergency numbers should be listed in the phone book. It was perfectly straightforward, by which I mean that I didn’t have to explain a whole lot to them. Evidently this is pretty standard procedure for all these agencies. I didn’t have to give them a letter from a doctor, or anything like that. Even though I had never heard of such a thing before, they deal with it regularly. I just have to remember if we ever move to call them all back to take DH’s name off their list.
Sunshyne, Its very possible that there are times I am not portraying the attitude of security, love and support. Its hard to do when you've just gone through a fit of verbal abuse. Its impossible after a physical episode. Of course DH has to sense my moods. I sense the negativity in him even when he's sitting quietly.
Oh, dear, Anna, I was NOT suggesting that the spouse might be doing something wrong -- I was suggesting that in some situations, the spouse simply cannot do anything right, no matter how much the spouse cares and no matter what he/she tries.
ASY's therapist says it is not uncommon for an AD patient to see the spouse as the cause of their misery. If the ADLO does see the spouse as "the enemy", the reason he is having such a horrible time, the spouse can exercise all the patience in the world, be totally loving and supportive every second of every day, and still not be able to help the ADLO feel safe and secure.
I think we assume that because we love them, we are the best ones to care for them ... and that may not always be right. We cannot change AD. If the AD is telling the LO that we are the source of the misery, then we cannot make ourselves be seen as a source of comfort, no matter how much we want to.
Under those circumstances, maybe it's better for the ADLO -- not just for the spouse -- to have someone else care for the ADLO.
My DH doesn't have rages yet, but my mother sure did. And no matter how gentle and loving and soft-spoken I was, she would sometimes respond by trying to inflict as much bodily damage as she could. My father worshipped her, and was patience itself, yet sometimes, apparently out of the clear blue, she would suddenly be trying to kill him. At that point in her AD, she could not walk and wasn't terribly strong, so we usually could avoid getting hit, and the most I ever got was a nasty bruise -- so I wasn't really afraid of her. I can't imagine what it would be like if a beloved spouse was not only enraged at me, but also physically strong enough to cause serious harm.
Reading all these posts - my God! the things we put up with. I went through all this with my husband and it was such hell! I think you can divorce a person with dementia and the court will appoint a conservator. I looked into divorcing my husband, partly for financial reasons, but it was so complicated, and the lawyer told me I would not be able to be his Power of Attorney for Health Care after we were divorced. Also, If you live in a community property state, it would be possible for the court to take half your assets for your husband, which might prevent him from qualifying for Medicaide to pay for a nursing home. It's just an endless maze of Catch-22, damned if you do, damned if you don't situations.
My best advice - Drugs!! I put my husband's Ativan, Zyprexa, and Aricept in ice cream when he refused to take his meds. He never even suspected. Then get an anti-anxiety med for yourself and just do your best to ignore him. Non-engagement will get you through.
breigull- yes he had a massive mi 26 july. He is now in a ventilator unit about 45min drive from where we live. I am currently in a court battle with his son for guardianship. (my husband had the papers to sign giving me power for health care etc., they came just before he had the MI). I have not been active on the board much since this happened as my nightmare has metamorphored from ALZ to every complication of cardiac surgery and stepsons from hel........ I am back in court 15sept for guardianship. What a nightmare and his ALZ has only complicated things, the hospital put him on Haldol for agitation, what a nightmare. He was unresponsive for 3 days.
My advice... caretakers take care of yourself. This is a trip none of us would choose. The stress is awful, dealing with someone you don't even know anymore.
Now I am battling to have a say in the care of my husband who sometimes doesn't remember who I am when I visit. I will fight to take care of him. Interesting the turn of events. We experience a great range of emotions with this disease, but when something else comes into the picture the mother lion in us comes out and we battle to save the person we lost some time ago. I find I am grieving all over again, but not for the man who had the MI, but for the man I lost almost 2 yrs ago. It is so difficult. When a major health issue crops up you react and grieve for someone who you lost sometime ago. Sorry to ramble, this is a difficult time. Thanks for remembering briegull.
ASY, what a mess, and how very difficult for you. I know what you mean about the mother lion coming out ... ! Hopefully, that protective urge will help carry you through the guardianship process.
Please let us know if there's anything we can do for you.
My situation is so simalar to Asy's! I'm fairly new here and have been reading posts. My stepdaughter got POA over a year ago and has really been meddling in our affairs. It doesn't do any good to argue with DH because it just goes around in circles. I filed for divorce in June but he would not leave. I came back and he started pushing me around so I called 911 and got a protection order. They took him to jail and his daughter got him out and now she tried to have all my utilities shut off. He has mild dementia and sometimes I wonder if he is just playing me. He has history of violence and has hid money from me for years. We have been married over 18 years, I had the house( small farm since 1964) and he moved in with me and paid my ex off but I also worked full time as a RN so did my share. He would not stay away and I felt sorry for him because he was losing weight and was like a lost soul and did not want to live with daughter. So he is back now but we argue more about money than anything because he or she had the pensions sent to another account and there are bills to be paid and he has had overdrawn fees because some bills are set to come out of joint account. I do not get a big pension since I started working for pers when I was 44 and Ohio pentalizes your SS if you get OPERS. So I only get $800 a mo but do provide his insurance. I would take care of him if he was really bad but it is still at a mild stage and he likes to spend money on cars, houses and whatever with no responsiblity. I told him to pay Home Depot acct. because I had promised them we would pay it today but his pension did not go into that account. He called the bank and found the money in another account not in my name so they won't tell me but his daughter can find out and I don't think he was the one that sent the letter to SS and pension to put in another account. We have arguments over our kids and my kids want me to get rid of him, none of them have liked him for years, I have 5. It is just tearing me up and my youngest son was here at the farm helping me enormously until I let him come back. My lawyer says not to drop the divorce yet and his daughter is included in it since she has POA. I am considering a legal separation so we can divide the property and he will still have insurance. We have 4 rentals and he put all his 401K money into his daughters name after he cashed it in last year. He just spent about $30,000 on around the world trip with his daughter and money is disappearing fast. He is in this lovey, dovey stage and is attached to me constantly. He says he will change but I've heard that before and he is going back to his old ways. He threw a wrench at me yesterday and hit me in the elbow, it is still swollen. I just hate to send him to jail and sometimes a feel safer if he is here because he is not stalking me. My son had hid the guns in the attic but he insisted on finding them and getting them out. He has never threatened me with a gun but they do make me nervous. Not sure what to do.
Nancy1940 - You need to call Adult Protective Services, or whatever they call it in your state. Once you say "dementia" or Alzheimer's to them they will have the sherrif come and take the guns away, if the family can't persuade him to give them up. This almost happened with my husband, but our sons were able to persuade him that the guns were safer stored at our son's house. You are not safe with guns in the house. My husband never threatened me either, but he could mistake you, or someone else for an intruder in the later stages. If he's thowing things at you it shows he has a potential for acting violently, and, believe me, dementia will only increase this. Do it today!
Uh, Nancy, you are in danger.....get him out now...listen to your children. He has no right to abuse you in any way, shape or form....dementia or not. Let his daughter worry about taking care of him...she has POA and obviously has control of his money. When the money is gone, I would imagine Dad will not be as much "fun" to be around.
Please take good advice and remove him from your home.....this is serious.
First and foremost, your safety. Take beenthere's advice & get the guns out of the house.
After you have the guns out of the house, since you can't get rid of all the things he could throw at you, get a court order removing him from the house. Report the wrench incident to the authorities. If possible take a picture of your elbow while it is still swollen.
If this man doesn't want to live with his daughter, he can certainly afford to live somewhere else if he can afford all the other things you mentioned, including a $30,000 round the world trip. It doesn't have to be a choice between your house & his daughter's place.
People with dementia often plan poorly financially. Hope you don't lose out, because of it.
That is a good idea to call adult protective services but I still hate to put him in jail. I guess it is my nuture nature. He is pathetic at times and don't believe he belongs in jail. But I'm thinking seriously about getting the guns out. What is to become of him???
Nancy, you posted at the same time I did, so I hadn't seen your post until now.....Follow Sandi and Kitty's advice. He won't change, and his daughter needs to be held accountable in a court of law for marital monies she has confiscated; and the guns and your husband need to go as soon as possible. Get to your attorney and get to court fast! Please keep us updated! Our thoughts are with you!
Nancy, move him in with his daughter....until she gives you back all of the money and tears up the POA! If you really want to take care of him after all you have been through!
The Alzheimer's Association told me that if there was violence I was to dial 911 and say, "My husband has dementia, is being violent, and I need someone to come and take him to the hospital."
In the meantime I second what everyone has said. Get yourself to an attorney. And do it now. Today would be good.
Get yourself to a doctor and get that elbow looked at. You want that documented just in case. If you are afraid for your safety, make that 911 call and have them take him to the hospital.
Nancy...it is commendable that you are worried about what will become of him....nice enough, but what will become of you....what if the wrench were aimed at your head? Just remember that you are just as important as he is in this caregiving equation.....his daughter has taken on the fiscal responsibility for him so why not give her the physical responsibility?
Do get pictures of your injuries and make a report of the incident so that if something happens to one of you there is documentation of what has been going on in the house. If possible, tape his behaviors....
Most important get the guns out of the house....if he gives you grief about it then get him out of the house. This is serious.....
well, rather than jail, like others are saying, the other option is the hospital where he can be evaluated for medications that make him less violent.
I too would go to a doctor complaining of pain & swelling so you have that documented. And yes, if he so much as breathes on you, dial 911 & ask that he be taken to the hospital, he has dementia & is violent.
On the gun situation. I knew that would be a problem so my daughter took them without him knowing and they are locked in ex-son in laws gun safe. He said 3 of them were loaded, which must have been for years. I have had them hidden for 3 years.
The day came 2 months later about where his guns were. I told him we were worried about them being in the house with kids around and told him where they were. I told him the kids did not feel safe letting the grandchildren be around guns. He was ranting, pouting off and on for a month and then accepted the situation much as he did the not driving issue.
I agree with the above comments about getting him out of the house. I would fear for my life if I were you and he is abusing you.
I would also second the motion to call 911 and say he needs to be hospitalized due to violence and need medical evaluation. and they are right, once the violence starts there is a possibility it wil escalate when the aggitation increases. any weapons even knives should be locked away out of sight. you just never know what they will be thinking and esp at nite i would be esp disturbed in the same room unaware what he could be thinking. your husband needs to be on meds asap to control these outrages and only a mental hospital stay can accomodate that now. get someone to come take the weapons today while you detain him elsewhere for a bit. usually just saying i dont know where they are after they are gone would be ok, and then they forget about it like the driving at some point. take heed, many have been thru this and its a nasty time-divvi
Please, please pay attention to what everyone is telling you -- you are in danger.
As Starling is pointing out, when it comes to dementia, restraining orders and jail are not the answer -- hospitalization and appropriate treatment are. It is very important, not only for YOUR safety, but also for everyone else's -- his daughter's (who knows when he could suddenly change on her), neighbors and friends, even complete strangers who just happen to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Get yourself to a doctor, get your injury seen to and documented, talk to the doctor about your husband.
Talk to Adult Protective Services about your options.
Thank you for all your advice. This has been going on for a long time and I am just at a loss what to do next. My arm (elbow) is not real bad and may turn bruised but I know he could have hit me some where worse. I did call him a bastard because he backed out of giving my son our wood burner after my son spent all that time working here and helping me when he was gone. I will get rid of the guns but he has a dr. appt. tomorrow with urinary dr. He has a lot of incontinence and not sure if it is due to dementia or prostate surgury he had over a year ago. That is when it started, I don't think they can do anything but will probably prescribe something like Enablex which makes him sleep more. His daughter didn't give it to him but I will if it helps any. He hardly lets me get enough sleep and use to take naps a lot. I think he needs some kind of sedative. His Alzheimers dr. also prescribed Resperdal but she had a fit because it is an anti-psychotic. I talked to his older daughter today on the phone and she knows what he is like and knows he has a temper. I asked her if she was going to sign the letter for guardianship which his daughter here wants. I feel she can have it but I want my rights protected and she is trying to keep money from me for expenses here. I love my little farm and won't give it up. Our hearing isn't until end of October because she had his lawyer put on a couple delays. It was suppose to be in July first. I don't want to cause alarm but I'll keep reading the board because it does help a lot. Nancy
You are not "causing alarm." We are seeing a serious and dangerous situation and we are worried. Keep reading, but keep posting too. We care. Also, if all you need is to vent, just let us know and we will stop trying to give you advice. This needs to be a safe place for everyone who needs to vent to let it out.
You also have at least one adult child involved who is in severe denial, and who also seems to have decided to steal you blind. And no, if she is not going to take care of him, she should not have guardianship over him. You need to fight that or ship him over to her house. One or the other.
I learned the hard way with an abusive boss. NO RESPONSIBILITY WITHOUT AUTHORITY. And it goes both ways. The person who has guardianship needs to also have the responsibility that goes along with it. If they don't want the responsibility they can't have the authority either.
Of course Risperdal is an anti-psychotic. He is violent. When an Alzheimer's patient is violent, you give him an anti-psychotic because the only other option is a locked ward. If you have to call 911 to hospitalize him he is going to end up in a locked ward until they get him calmed down.
After reading this blog, I found that we have similar situations. My AH and I have been married for 25 years and the divorce issue has come up from time to time over the 25 yrs but more so in the last 8 years (especially this year). He was officially diagnosed in 2004 with AZ. Last Thursday evening I went to a lecture "Update on AZ Disease" given by a very noted specialist (and his Dr.) in AZ and what I found most interesting was that the AZ patient can have this illness for 20 years before ever really displaying the effects of it until much later (what I am assuming stages 1-7) and the AZ patient also does have the genetic marker. We all have plaque in our brains but the genetic marker determines if we get AZ or not.
Putting all of this together, the divorce issue appears to be somewhat of a common trait as are the personality changes to anger and agression. My AH is in a memory care facility and has begun the shuffling and is very pale. For the first time in his life he looks older than he is for he was always a very outgoing, energetic work aloholic. At times he still has some agitation and agression but not on daily basis as before and I spend as much time as possible with him for I feel that his recognition of me is going to be the next to go.
This disease robs us of so much and as caregivers, WE MUST TAKE CARE OF OURSELVES. I still suffer from guilt from having to place him in the facility but I do know that I have to survive in order to take care of him and keep him safe.
God bless us all through this fractious AZ journey.
I took him to Urology dr. today to find out that his daughter had canceled the appt. That was a 65 mile trip and from now on I'm doing all the driving. His driving justs makes me nervous, he follows too close and does not watch the road good enough. I'm on the edge of seat all the time. He told me I had a crumb on my shirt and I said Please just watch the road. He has to wear depends most of time but I think the plastic in them is causing irritation. I told him last night just to wear regular underwear at home. I don't think the dr.s can help him in that area. He's had this problem but getting worse since prostate surgury for enlarged prostate a couple years ago. My brother had the surgury and he eventually got back control but DH can't seem to. He can certainly get it up better than he ever did, though. Must be the over sex stage and that is all he wants.
Sorry, I can't get on line a whole lot because DH always wants my attention. I just feel like there is never enough time for myself. He pouts and complains if I don't want to be close to him. I do have the utilities in my name and trying to get the money into the right account so I can get bills paid, etc. I have been managing rentals and have a separate bank account for them but we didn't get the Metropolitan check yet and afraid it may go to his daughters since he did a change of address. We were suppose to get that straightened out in July but she cancelled that hearing. My lawyer says I should manage the rentals since he can't but I didn't have enough money to pay for a roof repair last month so had to use my money. Want to get paid back for that. He was wanting to buy another house the other day. I told him to buy it for himself if he's going to buy it and live there. He didn't say much more about it. I think I could make more money in stock market than on rentals and have a lot less harrassment. I've helped him with rentals for last 18 years and think I have earned my way and learned that it is a terrible way to invest money. We did the best when we sold a house we fixed up in a year's time just before the housing market crashed. That is where we got the money for trip around the world vacation which I ended up not going on. I needed a break from him anyways. Would have been nice to go on that trip but it was extravagant and I don't even have air conditioner or dish washer and need a lot of repairs on house. He's been blowing money like crazy in last couple years. I think he just doesn't have any judgement or reasoning ability when it comes to money. I said if you spend your money, you won't have any left. He is 72 and I am 68.
Nancy - You might try just having your husb put a "tena pad" into his regular briefs to help with the incontinence during the day...they are the "peel & stick" kind so only the 'fabric' of the pad comes into contact with his body. If he is able, he can do the changing of the pad pretty easily if he wets. We also had a surgery (TURP) about 18 mths ago & my husb is better @ controlling now vs. 18 mths ago, but still incontinent. Also, I do hope your situation improves and that you take care of you!!
I wrote a comment a hour or so ago and when I sent it, it said it had errors. What do you suppose that was. Anyways my DH is out brushhogging our pasture so I have a few minutes. I like doing it myself because it is so peaceful but too much to do in house and around. Still trying to figure out money. I gave him a check on tuesday to take to Home Depot to pay them off but only see $10 to Home Depot when it should have been $173.00. So I guess I shouldn't let him do that anymore. He gets in a store or anywhere and always wants to bullshit with anybody that will listen and forgets what he is there for. I believe he is in stage 4 because of his judgement issues and unable to read a bank account. Our bank must feel like they are going in circles with us. If I could get his daughter out of the mix and I think things would work out better. I have to manage the rentals because he won't and she better not. She'd probably want to sell them in this terrible market. I had to use my money to fix a roof on one so I want to get that paid back to me and it will take a couple months. My lawyer told me just to keep track of all the expenses. I'm still debating on his stage but the Aricept really helped him when he started taking it 7 months ago so it must be AD. I was reading about the FTD on another message and see it doesn't help that. Maybe that is why Resperdal didn't seem to really help him any. He has a very nervous stomach and just had sudden diarrhea a while ago. At least he only had to change his underwear. One day he got up before me and had an accident all over the rugs and stairs. I had to get the rug cleaner out. I do have some pads which he wears at times but he likes the Depends because they are easy to put on and stay in place. He has a tendancy to get rashes so not sure if it is the depends. He wore them on the trip for a whole month. I think it is nerves really and he may need something to calm him or just TLC. But he wants me near him constantly! Thanks for comments Nancy
Nancy, there are two types of "errors". If you take too long while you are composing your response, this site will "time out" and you are no longer signed in. Your post goes into the ether, never to be seen again. (Which is why I compose in a word processing document, and then copy and paste here when I'm done. Then if I've timed out, I still have my post.)
The other error is if your post is too long. It will tell you how many extra characters there are in your post, above and beyond the maximum allowed.
Nancy, your comment about the bank cracked me up. Our bank wasn't terribly thrilled with us for a while, either. My husband liked to surf the internet, and he periodically would enter his credit card number. I'd find a strange charge to his account, check into it ... spam site. So I'd haul him to the bank, we'd file a complaint form, they'd change the account number and issue a new card.
I simply could not get it through his head to check with me first before using the card on the net. He'd be very repentant, promise to do better, always had an excuse...
So I finally had to take the card away, of course, much to the bank's relief. He looked like such a sad little boy when he gave it to me...
Yes, that is when it started. He kept forgetting his password, losing his card and even losing the checkbook. Luckily we got it straightened out most times but we were just lucky. He has a debit card now but forgets he has it and can't usually get it to work. I should probably take it since he can't even get it to work for gas. It doesn't help any when somebody else is messing with our accounts. I don't think she can get in the joint account, though. But we use to have some backup in savings so I don't have that to fall back on now.
I would suggest taking the debit card also. If lost, that could open a large can or worms in the wrong hands. G relinquished his with no problem as he really didn't understand how to use it.
I've been working on the same issue of debit card. Ours is connected to our savings account and we receive all of our checks - disability, social security and my payroll through it. Currently, I pay bills with that account. But the banks don't seem to have other options and what I've decided to do is to open another account and move all of our money into that except for a couple hundred dollars. DH will still have his debit card and can use it at the grocery store. That's the only place he spends money, but he often will take $20 in cash. That's fine, but it's what keeps me from giving him a credit card to use instead since he can't get the cash in the same way when he checks out. So, if I empty out the old accounts to very low balances and monitor them, he can't do much damage if the card is lost or stolen. Meanwhile, all the other money will be safe in the new account and I can just write a check to move the money as it comes in. It certainly helps that he's never, ever looked at a bank statement and so he'll never know what has happened.
Liz, I'm doing a similar thing, and basically always have. I have a "big" account and a "small" one. I pay bills out of the "small" one. The big account doesn't have a debit card attached to it.