Has anyone been threatened constantly with divorce? My husband who was diagnosed with dementia (not certain yet which, either AD or Lewy Body Dementia), 2 years ago. It has been a roller coaster. But starting last Aug he has threatened to divorce me because of my dementia! He claims he is fine and I am the reason the marriage if falling apart. He talks to social workers, doctors, etc. but he still refuses to believe he has the problem. The ugly scenes have reached a point where divorce looks good to me. He can't live by himself of course. I have my own psychologist I have been seeing for a year now and I am beginning to think perhaps I need to take him up on his threats. It would save me, but I don't know what would happen to him. His kids have not even acknowledged a problem with his health exists. Has this occurred to anyone else, how do you deal with it. Let him go through with a divorce and then what happens to them. I just don't know what to do. But I am tired. Anne
In the beginning stages my DH also threatened divorce all the time. if i had known what was to follow with the caregiving and AD I can honestly say i may have taken him up on it, divided up the assets while he still 'looked' sane and gone my way. i think there must be a super bond of love to hold you together during the stressful times to follow. without this endelable love for your partner its double hard.i feel this is the only reason i am able to deal with it all after so many yrs of caregiving as i have always said he was/is th love of my life...good luck in your decisions, divvi
We who have spouses (spice) with Alzheimer's, MCI, etc. need to remember that love we had for them before this happened and those marriage vows: "for better or worse, in sickness and in health, forsaking all others, til death do us part." No one said we would have a Cinderella/Snow White story - with happily ever after. No one said we could be in this hellish situation either. What we have to do is find a way to survive, while taking care of our loved ones who need us so desperately. Each individual has to find peace within themselves. You have to erect barriers, through which the hurt and pain can't reach. It's hard. They will never be the way they were. We have to take care of them, knowing that if the situation was reversed, that they would see that we were taken care of.
Find an outlet. Find an hour each day that is YOURS. Whether you use it to paint, plant flowers and/or veggies, read a book, have lunch with a friend, go biking, swimming, etc. - This is vital to your survival. 23/7 is doable. It helps if you can find someone, be it a relative or someone from Carelink, or AZ, etc. that could give you an overnight away once every month or so - even if you stay in town, but at a nice hotel - and if they have a masseuse, treat yourself!
Then, you can face another bout or two. We have to survive. BUT, we can't forsake our loved ones because they don't know what they are saying/doing - it is the Alzheimer's. Build those barriers! Plan those outings! Love unconditionally that person you married. You can make it! (Tell yourself that dozens of times each day!) We can do this!
I've been married for 47 years and I do not want a divorce.
But my situation is not ASY's. If he is threatening divorce. If he starts procedures. If it is actually coming from him. And if he looks normal enough to a lawyer and a judge to start procedures, exactly what do you think you can do to stop him? It is very possible that you won't have any say in this matter unless you intend to fight the divorce.
OK, now that we got that out of the way, I suggest you seriously think about what you really want. It sounds to me that you are being given a way out of what is going to come. It isn't something you are looking for, but it is there. I also would like to point out that fighting the divorce if he starts proceedings is probably not a good idea. Talk to your therapist about guilt. We all have guilt, but this is not a situation where guilt is appropriate.
This is also one of those situations where I suggest you contact a lawyer. Especially if he has refused to do the paperwork that we all tell everyone to get during the early stages of this group of diseases. If that means you dump this mess on his adult children, so be it. At some point they will come out of denial (and, frankly, get themselves to a doctor if this is a genetic problem.)
No matter what happens, you need to start protecting yourself. Because if you are still involved when the @&#**& hits the fan, you need to have done that if you are still involved in making decisions for him.
The first rule of caregiving is that you take care of the caregiver first.
Starling is right. All the way. I can't walk in your shoes, and as I said, survival of the caregiver is foremost. If divorce is the only way, you have no choice.
After 46 years of marriage (47 in August) I wouldn't/couldn't divorce my husband. But that is me.
See an attorney as Starling said. Find out all of your options. Protect yourself.
Here's the voice from the apartment....I had to move out is what I had to do to survive what is going on. Longyears, did you put it right!
As far as divorce I think in my case where I have children and he has children that from a financial point of view this maybe the best way to go, I'm in Canada. I have to go and discuss this with a lawyer. After the divorce would I walk away....NO, I would still be there to make sure he had all the care he needed but I want to protect myself and make sure that I don't end up poor when I am old (I'm 50 and DH is 72, married 28 years). And for the next 15 years that I have left to work I want to beable to sock the monies away and not have his children come along and get it. They all are fine financially and they don't have anything to do with him.
Thank you all for your input, I really appreciate it. Starling you are right I am not the one threatening the divorce it is him. I did think about the competence aspect of it and on a good day he can appear competent. I am retired from the medical profession so even if he follows through with divorce I would still want a place in the wings to make certain he has the best of care. We are talking to the social worker again next week. However she has told me in this kind of situation where he has no insight that he has the dementia there is not a lot counseling can do. Should be an interesting summer. Again thanks to you all for your insight into a very thorny issue.
My husband has ask for divorce several times in the early stages.I think if it were not for that throwing his care off on our grown kids I would have been Ok with it. I never know what he's going to say or do.I ask for God's help every day--for all of us.
Ann, asking because he thought it would be best for you, and threatening because he is in denial and thinks ASY is the one with the dementia are two different things. Like you I stay in part to protect my daughter who needs to live her own life. I also stay because no one is threatening anything in my situation. I stay because I choose to stay.
And you have my permission to add me to your prayer list. I'll take all of the prayers I can get.
It will be an interesting summer. How do you let someone make such decisions when they can't make coffee or feed the cat? Where is the legal system? Divorce would be the easy out for me, but who will take care of him? I am not asking to get out of this marriage, he is.
My DH is very unhappy with me but he does not want a divoce. Quite the opposite, he wants to be with me 24/7/365. Three days ago we had a serious outburst of anger. We were perparing for our doctor and dentist appointments the next day. We have a two hour drive and the appointment was early. I asked him to choose his clothing so we would not be rushed in the morning. He choose a cool summer shirt and dirty slacks. I suggested something more appropriate. He grabbed me by both arms and shook me while yelling obsceneties. I told him I was going to call the police. He stopped and went to bed. The next day he went to the appointment in his inappropriate clothing and I went to the doctor with bruises.The doctor suggested that we must consider different living arrangements for DH. Of course he didn't remember the incident.Yesterday he again was verbally difficult.He does exactly what he wants to do. He may choose not to dress, shower, take his meds,eat,come to an appointment. THer are days with ni incidents but they are getting fewer.
Absolutely everything I have read on this website, I can identify with! The anguish of the caregiver, the rages, the spouse asking over and over for a divorce-(is the "divorce thing" a universal characteristic?) My 61 year old husband became so horrible, I began tape recording his violent outbursts, on his last visit to his Nuerologist, last December, the doctor told me to "5150" him, (call police and commit him to the Behavioral Unit,) and that he could no longer treat him. My grown children couldn't visit as my husband was too nasty. I have been through everything relating to this dreadful disease- therefore, with each story I read, I cry inside for each caregiver! Now, I have found a miracle- I am not an advocate for meds, my husband or myself have never used prescriptions mood elevators, but I knew I had to do something. The past few months have been wonderful- I have my husband on Effexor and Risperdal- two miracle drugs!!!!! He is a "pussycat!" Never argues, kind and pleasant to be around. Yes, he still has Alzheimers, yes, he is slow, forgets, ask the same thing over and over, he is my 61 year old child, I cut his food, he trails behind me, etc., and I still am basically alone, as the man I knew is gone- but this man is now nice and meek. Again, each story I read, is as though I wrote it, and I am there with you and understand. I tell people about this wonderful site- and again, it is as though I write each story- that is how Alzheimers affects each one of us. Bless you all!
OK, if the divorce thing is a "universal" (and in my case it has not, as yet?, occurred) what do you think they are really looking for when they want a "divorce"? Do they think that if they divorce their spouse they will actually get rid of the disease? What is going on UNDER that question?
One of the reasons it occurred to me to ask is that my husband has really bad word finding problems. Just because he is saying the word "garbage" doesn't mean he is talking about garbage. Five minutes ago he was asking about the old couch in our garage that we are keeping for one of my daughter's friends to pick up, because it is in reasonably good shape. He could be talking about the mail or the newspapers because he has lost the words for both of those things too. He will use the same word for a dozen different things. Sometimes I can read his mind and sometimes I can't.
So what does the word "divorce" mean to your LOs? Because it might have nothing to do with lawyers and courts.
In my case, I feel the word, "DIVORCE" is merely the Alzheimers spouse being frustrated, confused, and actually knows how trying they are on the caregiver- therefore, the word divorce, may only mean that they want to "free" their loved one from them. My husband was so very confused, agitated and rageful, I think that he was actually saying the word "divorce" as a way to free me, from him. I think even the Alheimers loved one knows that when married people fight and argue, they get a divorce most times, and in the stage of Alzheimers my husband has- he can remember the word, divorce. If I would have believed he really meant it or was in his corrrect mind state, I would have divorced him- but Alzheimers patients are not in their same thinking. The word divorce was my husband's little piece of memory trying to end the arguing. Each day, prior to having my husband placed on medication, I would tell myself not to argue back- to talk softly, etc., but sometimes I couldn't. It was those times that he would say he wanted a divorce.
My husband knows what he means by the word divorce. He wants out of the marriage because he thinks I have dementia. I am the entire problem in this marriage to him. He truly believes that his life will return to normal once I am out of the picture. He absolutely denies he has dementia. My therapist said this is not that uncommon for the affected person to see the spouse as the cause for their misery. My husband has actually thought this through enough to have even offered me a plan on the settlement. He will not be able to live on his own much longer but he doesn't see that because I take care of everything for him. He is not aware of all that he can't do anymore. Quite frankly I think I am going to take him up on it. We see the social worker and I see my therapist next week and for me that will be the topic of discussion. This disease is so incredibly destructive and most of the population hasn't a clue that it is more than just forgetting things. Exit stage right.
Starling, I think my husband ask for divorce because he thinks I'm the cause of all the problems he has.He told me I'm 99% to blame.I don't tell our children much of anything,I think why? It would just make them feel worse,they know that dementia is the cause of our situation.I want them to have a life of their own,as all of you want for yours.
My husband who has AD was asking for a divorce all the time a year or so ago. He wanted to go back to Illinois where his two sons lived (who could not take care of him) We live in Calif. since his retirement. He even put some of his clothes in his truck and would say "ship my others things to me" I would be so upset I didn't know what to do. I knew he couldn't drive to Illinois by himself. Every time I would get him calmed down and help him bring his things back into the house One day it was the last straw for me of his moving out and I just said...."Good Luck to you and hope you are happy back in Illinois...call me when you get there" and walked back in the house. About 5 mins. later he came back in and said he thought he would wait until after the weekend was over before leaving....he never left or said another thing about it and has not pulled the "leaving thing again".
I think he was testing me and wanted to see if I would care if he left. He liked me begging him to stay. When I called his bluff and acted unconcerned he wasn't that interested in leaving. I have notice that sometimes I think they want us to be as miserable as they feel and that is why they do some of these things OR maybe they feel that if they had a change in their lives this nightmare for them would go away.
Maybe it would help if when your hubby ask for a divorce...agree with him and ask him if you think you should each get your own attorney or should you both use the same attorney. Tell him you will call for an appointment with an attorney the next day. Don't know if this would help by calling his bluff...it worked for me.
Ann-I try to keep my adult children in the loop as much as possible. They respect that the decisions are mine to make. I don't want them "surprised" by any sudden changes. My son hadn't seen his dad for two years and there was nothing I could do to prepare him for the total decline.
Mary-thinking back which does no good my husband was showing symptoms of bad behavior when in his 40's (he is 73 now). He remained functional but feuding until the last 2 years. He was highly successful in his Carree but very tough on coworkers. He really crashed in the last 2 years. He is in an ALF. Doesn't know me, didn't even understand to pet our cat when I brought him to visit. He looks like a doddering very frail old man. His gait is shuffling and his color is very pale. This was a man who biked and played tennis, ate healthy, did NY Times puzzles, taught CPR and won the national award for human resources in Washington (Barbara Bush was the keynote speaker)
JudithKB, I think that you are right about what happened when you called his bluff. About a month ago, I snapped, and decided that if my husband didn't want to talk to me, that was fine. Not talking to me was his way of controlling everything I did, and how I felt, which was as miserable as he was. I decided I didn't care. I had reached the end of my rope on that particular issue.
I got pretty much the same reaction you did when you let your husband know that you had reached the end of your rope.
I'm still pretty isolated but it isn't him that is isolating me so much as other situations.
I didn't get "divorce", but she did want me to go away a lot! As in, go away and let her have the house. Usually I just went into another room, and she forgot all about it after awhile.
I agree with rglennon...'divorce' is just the best thing they can think of to put into words the desire to leave the situation. My wfe did "want to go home" OVER and OVER and OVER until I thought I was going to be crazy, too. I never found out if she meant our old home ten years ago, her childhood home, our first home together, WHAT?
Now I'm pretty sure 'home' and 'divorce' are synonyms for "NOT THIS DISEASE". Think about it...if you are in an unhappy marriage, a divorce means you get to leave it and all problems behind. When you are sick or tired after a long vacation, all you want to do is GO HOME, whether that's to your house when you were a kid, or to your house as an adult. Whatever it is, going home makes you feel better and someone makes the bad feelings go away.
You know how you want to grab their shoulders and shake and yell, "Snap out of it, for Chirst's sake, you are driving me flipping nuts and I don't think I can take it much longer this is not how I envisioned my life!!!!"??
Well, that what they are saying when they say they want a divorce.
Trisinger, I agree with you completely. When my DH kept saying he was going back to Illinois I don't think he really wanted to go at all...he just wanted to escape the problem he has and didn't know any other way to do it but leave. Illinois was his home for all his life until we moved to California so it represented a time before he had AD and many good times. I think his retirement and us moving to California made this very difficult for him. But, when we moved here we had no idea he had or was going to get AD...but, within less then a year I could see the signs now that I look back. It is just so confusing trying to figure out what they really want, at least it is for me. He seems so depressed. I think now he is at the end of the beginning stages and is getting worse every several months. If he gets in one of his agitated moods and wants to argue all the time then I know he will go down hill a little more shortly after that. I try to agree with everything he says.
trisinger- I agree with you if the marriage is unhappy from the get go then cut and run. However that is not the case with me. I have know this man over 20 years. I buried a husband, he buried a wife. I knew his children, he knew my son. We have been together since 1995 we married in 1999. He is certain I have dementia and he has stopped taking his Aricept. He doesn't need it because I have the problem. However I live with the rages, the uncontrolled behaviors. etc. Yes I think he will divorce me because for him that will solve the problem. It's me and I will be gone. Boy they sure don't tell you this stuff when they give you all those little hand outs at the Alzheimers clinic do they?
I think AD stands for Alz Disease...right? It took me awhile to learn all these little shorthands, too!
ASY, that's just the point. They don't remember the happy years, they only remember stuff that has been burned in their brains, and it's surfacing through memory conduits that look like Swiss cheese! Ever since your DH was a kid, he knew what divorce was, right? Something you do when the partner is totally not liveable with, and then it's a way to leave the situation behind.
Ok, so here it is now 40+ years later, they've gone through happy (and sad) times with you, and the memory banks are starting to deteriorate. They lose what they did an hour ago, but still remember their dog when they were 6.
He's incredibly unhappy, he can't comprehend why, you're here, and he can remember a time when you weren't there but he was fine. Aha! You must be the problem! Hmm...let's see, how do we correct a living situation? yes! Divorce! He has a vague idea of what the word means, and he is sure it is what will help.
I mean, I don't know it all, but that's what I see when those scrambled memory banks start to crank. There is no way you can take what they say literally.
For years, my husband would tell me that we were headed for a divorce. This was before and after he was diagnosed. It was usually after some big blow-up. There were times he got so angry he would sleep in the guest room. As I knew he still loved me and I still loved him, his whole reaction was very confusing and hurtful to me. After his diagnosis and doing a lot of reading, I began to understand where the divorce feeling had come from. We always had a lot of laughter in our marriage and that helped diffuse many situations. There have been many times when my outrageous sense of humor has altered what could have been a horrible outcome.
I could never do things right, it was always my fault and it didn't matter if the mistake was originally his. Looking back, I realize that this had crept into our marriage before I even realized he had a problem and was probably an early sign of the disease.
OH MY GOD...I just posted comments a day or so ago about my DH wanting to leave mr all the time a year or so ago. Well..that seems to be starting again. I pray that I am wrong. He went to the garage to get a screw driver. He couldn't find it and was very, very upset. Someone had stolen it and he knew who it was. DUH. No one ever goes in our garage. I tried to talk softly to him and told him he probably had misplaced it and I would help him look for it. But, if we didn't find it we would get a new one for him. That kind of talk just made him rage more. He said..."I can't take this anymore, people stealing my tools" "You (meaning me) don't seem to understand most of my tools are gone from being stolen" On and On this went. I said "I can't and won't argue with you about this we will just replace them" That really set him off....I thought I was being kind. He then said over and over..".I guess it is best if I just leave...that is what you want and what will make you happy. You know you are trying to drive me crazy...nothing is wrong with me and I don't have AD..I know when my tools have been taken." I'm going to call my son to come and get me and take me back to Illinois. I am so upset now when I think that this is only the beginning and it will get much worse. I worried now that his meds aren't working. He hasn't been doing the "leaving thing for months"
Yes someone is always stealing something from my husband also; be it socks, underwear, papers, keys, etc. We have had more duplicate keys made, papers copied etc. The most difficult thing for me is my husband does not understand what is transpiring, he is ill yet to him I am the one making these things happen to him to annoy him. My husband has quit taking his meds, since he has no reason to take them. He has no problems; just ask him and don't pay any attention to all of his doctors, what do they know? In what other situation is it considered the norm to accept abuse? When is it all right to say stop abusing me? Having someone tell you it is the disease does not make the stress, pain, fear, anger or depression any less. We live with the person, the person who has a disease. But it is the person who abuses us; that causes the hurt, tears, etc. What other disease gets such a "get out of jail free" card? Is there any other disease where the loved ones must endure such abuse, physical and verbal?
ASY - I support individuals that are intellectually challenged and alot of them are high behaviours. I have been called every combination of names and physically threatened and even attacked on my job. I can take it and have it roll off my back like water off a duck because I know that the person is challenged and I am a trained professional in this field.
When my DH started doing this it was a whole different situation. I think this is because I'm emotionally involved so the words cut to the bone when spoken. It is happening in my home which is suppose to be my "safe" place. And this just isn't suppose to be happening we were suppose to go off into the sunset together and pass away in our sleep a couple of days apart.
"Get out of Jail free" I think not....I think what a person has to do is decide for themselves what their boundaries / limits are and don't allow anyone to go pass them. When my DH came to my limit I took action that worked for me...I got an apartment and now have my "safe" place. I will always make sure his is taken care of but whether it is by me or someone else will depend on what his behaviours are. I will not get hurt...physically or verbally by him....that is my boundary.
Plus I do not nor does anyone else need permission to do what is "right" for them. No one else is living your life and they can't possibily understand what you are going through. For each person it is a unique journey.
Amber: I admire your comments so much. You seem to have gotten it together for your own welfare which is wonderful. I have already been told by friends such things as you will need to care for Jim, my husband, as long as you can and then get someone to come help you...do not put him in a home until he becomes dangerous or just too hard to handle. Wow..I am thinking who are they to tell me or suggest what I do...they are not walking in my shoes. My DH is probably in stage 4 and at times, like yesterday he is so hurtful towards me with his looks and language I think I can't stand another minute of it. He thinks someone is stealing his things out of the garage. Nothing I say will convince him other wise. Even this morning when he calmed down he is talking about getting locks for his cabinets so people don't keep taking his things. Unless I can change and get stronger regarding his condition I just know I can't take it for years and years like most people talk about on here.
I am wondering if the people that can take care of their DH's through the entire thing at home are doing it out of love, can't afford a home or are they just that strong.
Judith, in my own case, i can relay i have been caring for DH at home since '99 24/7 and its because of ALL the above you mention. out of love, being strong, and because i dont want to go thru the savings at 5-7k/mo. we have enough assets to care for him at this point and i have decided it would be more of benefit to him and myself to have fulltime help in home,later as he declines. and use hospice when needed, they can qualify for hospice earlier now with certain disabilities. as long as i can manage him at home with some help i will continue to do whats necessary but i realize its at a cost either way. i can say its become somewhat easier on a daily basis over the yrs. divvi
JudithKB - I think people look after their LO at home for the whole time on their own don't have good counselling that will tell them time and time again..."YOU MUST TAKE CARE OF THE CAREGIVER"...This is pounded in our heads at work. When I am getting to a point that a client is really trying my patience I know that I get another staff to replace me and give me a time out. Who does this for the caregiver spouse? What happens, in some cases, is the spouse with the condition gets inadequate care. I've gone to homes and seen what condition they are living in and it is just not right. This is no fault of the caregiver, when they are just so tired that they can't do it any more. Also in Canada when you place your spouse into care their pensions goes to pay for their care and some spouses don't have any other income so they won't place them.
Bluedaze, your description of your husband being "frail" and "doddering" reminded me of DH, but he's only 54. He seems to have deteriorated so much in just 2-3 years. He probably looks more like 70-75 than 54. The Dr. from the drug trial he has been participating in called me the other night and asked questions about when I first noticed signs that things weren't right. I had to think hard and I realized it only seemed to be the last few years. I keep wracking my brain to think of earlier signs, but I can't really come up with anything. But when I read your posts about asking for divorce, wanting to leave, I think of how DH used to threaten to throw me out when we argued. A couple of times I almost left, most recently about a year and a half ago, when I was sure he really wanted a divorce and I even went so far as to rent a house for me and the kids. (He could still drive and take care of his basic needs then.) But when I was getting ready to move, he said he didn't want me to go, he even reimbursed me the rent I had already paid.
Looking back now, I wonder if his telling me to leave all these years was early signs of the disease? This was back when he didn't have problems with speech and seemed very clear, but now I wonder. So much anger between us, so much frustration and me feeling like he didn't want me anymore. Could this have been AD starting?
Yes, I think AD is there for years before the frustrating behaviors come roaring out. I know that I was often uncertain of things, and others would say things to me, but I always just thought it was his way. He also looked terrified at times and when I tried to find out why, because he was a very brave man, he didn't really respond. Now I know it was his terror that something was wrong with his mind. I wish I'd know about things sooner. I would have been there, more comforting, understanding, I didn't know that we were dealing with a brain disease and he could not help the things he said and did, but I didn't know and I feel bad that I let him go thru it for so long alone before I found out. I think it was responsible for a lot of misunderstandings and frustrations and sometimes I wonder what our married life would have been if he'd not had AD.
Betty-I also regret that I couldn't have been more comforting to my husband. I was too stressed just trying to survive my self. I also doubt that my husband had any idea that something was wrong and wouldn't have admitted that he could possibly have a problem. His psychiatrist's statement was "he's clueless".
My DH is the same as yours bludaze. He has always been in denial and is not in the least interested in the progression of the disease. We talked about it only once, when he was diagnosed, seven years ago.At one time he told me he had memory problems the last year he worked. He was 56. He's now 74 so its been there a long time.
I think to have had the diagnosis earlier would have been an enormous help to me and it sounds like to many of you too. There were so many years of misunderstood behaviors .I can see now how strange some of DH's behaviors were but like others I just wondered or let it go. Even when he gave up his busness I resented it thinking he just wanted me to carry the load. I think I feel worst about the fact that we didn't have better communication then .. why couldn't he tell me about his fears and what was happening?
I hope that one day the research can tell us when does this awful disease really start.
In my case he used to be far more angry pre diagnosis. Now he has reached a point of childlike dependnece... but then he has been on effexor for depression for the last few years and that may be the cause of the less agitated mood. Someone wondered about what the marriage would have been like without AD ... good question ...
This is exactly what I've been grappling with lately. I feel so bad that I didn't know and we spent so much time being combative with each other. I just thought we had a lousy marriage. I've only known DH for about 11 years, a relatively short time compared to those of us who've been with our spouses for 20 or 30 years. I keep wondering how much of that time did I really know him without AD? I figure he's at least in late stage 5 now, so wouldn't he have likely had this going on for 10 years? I guess I'll probably never know. But like Anita41, we fight a lot less now. When DH does get combative, I blame it on the disease and have an easier time distancing myself from what he's saying. He usually says he's going to leave now instead of telling me to leave. Where he thinks he'll go, I don't know.
I think denial is so prevalent, it allows them to still have some control. My husband is convinced that I swayed all of his therapists and doctors that he has dementia. In his mind I have it and that is why he must end the marriage because of my dementia. I have known my husband for many years, I did not see any changes or symptoms very early. But one of the first changes I saw was changes in behavior; temper, mood swings, rages, etc. The man I married rarely swore and never at me, boy did that change. At first I lashed back because I didn't know what was happening. I felt our relationship slipping away and didn't know why. This disease is so subtle at times. I think that is the reason they are able to keep up the front for so long. We are there to cover for them when they have a spell. I always call it his "deer in the headlight episode" He freezes and gets this look of intense fear. That's when I bail him out. All I get in return is anger.
Do any of you know anyone who has actually gotten a divorce from a person who has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's? Either them filing or the spouse filing? I love my husband and would NOT consider divorce, but a lot of you have discussed the possibility, and I was wondering - can they legally be divorced or divorce their spouse when they are not legally accountable? If they have been officially diagnosed with Alzheimer's, and therefore are not in their right mind, would a court of law grant a divorce? I am asking only out of curiosity. I am not trying to side either way! For those of you who are mentally and physically being abused by your spouses, you have to protect yourselves. I was just wondering the legality of it.
Mary, it is my understanding that you can indeed divorce an AD patient. Got this from the attorney who set up my conservatorship for me. She hadn't ever acted in that capacity, but talked about someone she knew who did. The AD patient will have his/her own attorney, and I suppose maybe also a Guardian ad Litem for the proceedings. The attorney would act in the usual capacity, the GAL helps the AD patient "understand" the ramifications of different options, actions of the court, etc., and advises the patient on what he/she should do.
This is just curiosity, but what about a divorce happening when the spouse knows it is dementia, but the diagnosis has not yet been made? In one of the discussions here, I believe that is what is being threatened.
Personally I think that in that situation there is little or nothing the spouse can do to stop the proceedings. And I personally believe that in that situation one is also morally off the hook.
I believe it is a matter of who can testify, not whether a case can be brought to court. If a person is known to have a dementia, then that person can be taken to court but cannot provide testimony on his own behalf, either oral (depositions, or testimony in court) or sworn written testimony. The only evidence that can be introduced would be documents (checking account records, things like that), or testimony from others who have DIRECT knowledge (i.e., personally observed situations, not just heard about them.)
In my (very limited) experience, an AD patient can get royally screwed, since he cannot defend himself ... even if the mentally "healthy" partner is clearly lying.
If the divorce involves someone who is thought to have dementia, but the diagnosis has not been made and no one raises the issue with the court, then I imagine the proceedings would go along as they usually do.
My question would be whether the case could re reopened later on, if the person was subsequently diagnosed and there were some way to show that the person could not have had the needed mental capacity during the proceedings. I don't imagine that there would be a change in whether or not the pair was divorced, but there might be changes in spousal support, possibly even splitting of assets if the evidence provided to the court was inaccurate. But who would reopen the case?
My DH has been one of the very intense people in this world since I meet him 35 years ago. things will easily anger him and he will fight for a cause that he thinks is right. he has also been very loving and caring. We have been married for 32 years next month. I am 51 and he is 54. I believe that he started showing signs as long as ten years ago. 9 years ago, he became very sick with what we thought was the flu. It was the first time he ever had to take sick leave. All of his problems, this and other medical, seemed to start after this illness. He and I know that things are not right but if I mention "getting to the bottom of it" he gets mad, so I don't mention it.
In the past, when major decisions scared him, getting a divorse was always brought up, even if we weren't fighting about it. he always was looking for a way to "escape" from major decisions in life. He also would get very angry and throw fits when he could not find a way to "escape." This part isn't new, it is just way worse now.
We are in the process of refinincing and consolidating some bills and it is very hard for him. However, the "escape" thing isn't working. The anger and fits are major. He knows that there is a problem and knows that it is probably him. Although, he will tell me often that I am making him crazy or stressed or that I could help the way I act because I am doing it on purpose. I probably hear 3 times a week that he can't take it and we should divorse. I ask him where he will end up, on the street. He doesn't seem to be looking that far ahead. This week, so far, I haven't heard it yet.
I do agree with everyone that this is their way of coping. They also think that we are the problem and if they get rid of us, it will solve all of their problems. He gets so confused sometime, it is very sad for me to watch. I think that he actually is afraid that I will not be there for him in the future so if we split up now, he won't have to worry about it any more. When I reassure him that I am planning on "sticking around," it seems to calm him down for a few days.
My understanding is that if the attorney taking the case does not question the mental status of the client then anything can happen including a divorce. I don't think a divorce proceeding could be reopened later if that partner was declared incompetent. A time frame thing would come into play I would think. I am not even suggesting financial things, that is not my case, I don't need a financial settlement that might be contested later. I talked with my therapist this week as this marriage appears to be in a death spiral; therapist, social workers, neurologists, they all know what is happening yet not a lot can be done. HIPPA has put a stumbling block into play. My therapist, doctor, etc. can not share or exchange information with his neurologist or social worker. Even though I am involved in appointments and talk with these people they cannot share information with my therapist, doctor,etc. The only thing they would share was his tendency towards violence. The result they all told me to call 911, if the situation arose. Gosh thanks think I would have thought of that myself. I don't understand why the medical profession is not more open about the profound changes that accompany dementia. It is not just forgetting things. It is life changing personality changes. My husband's children refuse to even acknowledge there is a problem. This disease can be a lonely war.
ASY-I had to call 911 when I was really afraid. Police came and hubby was able to convince them that this was a domestic squabble and the police just left me. I spent the night with a neighbor and my husband didn't even realize that I was gone. You are so right-you can't force a psych patient to receive treatment-but we are left trying to hold things together-alone.