My husband is coming from the hospital to an Assisted Living Center for dementia patients on Friday. This is the place he has went to Daycare since December. Even though this will be a private pay, after visiting the area Nursing Centers that provide dementia care, saw patients sitting in wheel chairs lined against the walls, I am not going to let my husband's final days like that....I just can't. Where I need advice is: Which do you think is best for him, that after I take him & get him settled, when should I visit? He has been in the hospital since Saturday, barely stays awake to eat or drink. Any advice would be welcome.
I do not yet have experience with this, but many, many of our members do. I am sure they will be along to help you.
What I can tell you from what I have read on these boards is that generally, many nursing homes ask that you wait a week to visit in order for the patient to get oriented and used to his/her new environment. I can't say that I could follow that advice, and I know many of our members have not.
I would say to ask the staff at the nursing home what they recommend, but I have to say that I would go with my gut instincts.
When he went there first, I had dinner with him in the dining room. I thought that it made it easier for him to adapt to see me joining in with other people and enjoying a meal. Then we went from there to his room to watch the news together, and after that, I got him settled for the night. It's his worst time of day, too, he's tired and more confused, so he feels safer if I'm there. That's not to say it always goes smoothly, but it's what I do often. I do go other times of the day, too, depending on his needs and to check that the nursing staff are taking care of him. I still find that they are not, and I have to deal with that, but it does give me a clearer picture of what is going on. Sometimes my needs dictate when it's best to go. If he needs some help to eat and drink, that would be a good time. As Joan says, go with your gut instincts.
When I placed my husband the first time I was advised to wait a week to visit. That week went fairly well-I was told. It was quite far from my home. When I started visiting those evenings after I left were terrible. A second facility went better but he still became agitated after each visit. No two dementia folks are the same-so follow your heart.
I used to refer to my husband as my 'velcro husband' because he stuck to me like glue. The assisted living facility highly recommended that I not see him for a couple of weeks and possibly longer just because of how attached he was to me. He was in the ALF for about a week when I got a call that they found him in a fetal position and that he was non-responsive. I met him at the hospital. When I got to the hospital, he no longer knew who I was. He had been declining very rapidly. During the week before his hospitalization, he had been trying to escape and had given them a very difficult time. He has now been in assisted living for 2-1/2 months and he is quite content there now.
In my case, it was 7 days but the facility recommended that it be two weeks.
Kadee - you say he has attending day care there, so he may adjust easier. How has he been while in the hospital? Has it bothered him not going home at night? Does he even seem aware he has not been going home?
Most on here, if I remember correctly, that had a hard adjustment time were the 'velcro' spouses or ones that still had some awareness of where they were. With luck, you may be as blessed as Bill as been with his wife - she adjusted well.
Kadee....my husband started out in an assisted living center in Florida, placed there by his sister. Then, after an accident and a stay at a hospital, he went to a nursing home....two of them. Brought him home, then one thing after another put him in a nursing home for good. There are all sorts of patients where he is, some recovering from strokes, some from other physical injuries. Some go back home, others, like John, have to make it their final home. He started out being able to get about somewhat, but was never social and able or interested in taking part in any activities and does't like visitors. He just lies in bed. He doesn't even want to sit up. It's a fight. Soon, when he doesn't have an opinion any longer and won't fight about it, he will be one of those crumpled up people sitting in wheelchairs, lined up against the corridor walls and in the sunroom. I can't be with him to engage him in interesting conversation, play games with him, make sure he has books to read, a tv to watch and a radio to keep up with the world. He isn't interested. That's just the way it eventually goes. Those people lining the walls in wheelchairs in nursing homes are the cooperative ones, the ones that are finally gaining some peace, readying to fly away. In my husband's facility, there is a sweet old grandmother that is a fixture in her wheelchair by the nurses station. She sits and just holds onto a babydoll. They move her here and there. Those people aren't put there and forgotten about. Its just what eventually happens, even though its hard to accept. Your husband will eventually need the skilled nursing care of a nursing home. Hard to accept, but that's the way it will go.
when my husband was placed in a NH I was told to stay away for awhile to "help him adjust". I later found in the nurses log that he thought I had abandoned him and kept going to t he doo rs looking for me crying "where is my family" I want to kill myself. I vowed then that I would help him become adjusted in the home where I next placed him. I stayed with h im until he kneew I had not abandoned him.everyone must do as they think best but it cannot hurt to imagine how you would feel if your only security was suddenly gone. I am glad I could give him that comfort.
I have often heard that the advice to stay away to help them adjust is mostly for the comfort of the institution. It makes it easier for them (and maybe best for everyone in the long run?) but I think it is very cruel for the LO who still knows his spouse and is bound to miss him/her.
Thank you to everyone who responded to my post. I also think it will be easy for him to adjust since he feels comfortable there & has been attending 7 days a week. He never has ask where I was or that he wanted to go home. I honestly, don't think he has a thought of home. He is at the stage, where he really doesn't acknowledge who I am. He has been in the hospital since Saturday. He doesn't acknowledge when I arrive or leave. My only thought about visiting him immediately after his placement is...I don't know if he would remember by chance, when I would come back after bringing him to Daycare was to bring him home.
Kadee, Your husband sounds just like he is about the stage and place in the disease process as my husband is. I would visit him often, I would not wait, I would be there just to see that he is cared for as he should be, whether he remembers or not. I am sure you will do that. I would absolutely not wait a week as some places suggest. Now I have not walked there, but that is what I think I would do. It would be too hard for me to stay away for a week.
I feel the same way that Joyful feels, in fact I would be very upset to think the nurses had not told me of his crying to come home, that would break my heart. Kadee, you just do not know what goes on unless you are there. We can't be there day and night but it almost feels like we should be. Just put yourself in your husbands place and do what you would want done if this were you.
I feel for you, my heart goes out to you. I can imagine what you felt when visiting the NH and it shows through how you care for your husband.
Kadee, I was one who visited my husband every day after he was placed in an AD facillity. I can't imagine dropping someone in a strange place and walking out on them. My husband would not have been able to understand that I would be back...he would only know that he was alone. I guess I can see where the "cold turkey" method might work in some situations, but I sure would want to see for myself that he was okay and being well taken care of.
I hate that any of us have to go through this horrible experience....just do what feels right to you. Maybe you can go in and see and watch what is going on without him seeing you....If he sees you visit with him for a while and then when you are ready to go have one of the staff redirect his attention to a meal, snack or an activity and you can quietly leave.
Kadee, My DH has been is a nursing home since mid-January. I never asked the staff what they thought. At first, I went everyday. (It's only ten minutes away). He still know me and I sure didn't want him to think that I just left him there and forgot about him. Now I usually go every other day. At first when I left he would ask why he couldn't go with me. Now I usually sit with him in the day room and watch tv. He usually dozes off. After I've been there for a couple of hours then, I'll just quietly slip off. He doesn't seem to remember when I left. Believe me, I know how you feel. Placing him was the hardest thing I ever had to do.
Well, I just returned home from settling my husband in at the ALF. Since being in the hospital, my husband does not re-act to my voice. I am sure death is worse, however, leaving him sitting on the side of the bed, has to be one of the worse days of my life. He did not even turn around when I was speaking to him. Since he has been attending this ALF daycare since December, I know he will be well cared for. I may change my mind, however, I am taking the Neurologist, Nurses & my kids advice & not returning until Monday. If he had ever shown that recently he was upset when I left him at Daycare or even cared when I came back, it would be thinking different. I am still not sure what I will feel tomorrow. All I know is now my heart is breaking.
i am also of the opinion i could never leave my DH alone for a week after placement unless he was comatose and non responsive. that being said, i do think it maybe easier for those of you whose spouses arent velcro and doenst seem to mention going home or know when you have left. each of us has to know best how to accomplish this for the sake of our spouses best needs. divvi
Kadee, my husband has been in placement 8 months. I was told by the staff when he went in that it was my choice whether to stay away a while or not. I could not stay away. I went every day. I still continue to go most days at dinner time and feed him. He does not react too much to me any more. But, I go for me, I think more than him. It is what makes me happy. He seems content and he is well cared for, but that did not make it easier. All of us say the same thing "it is the hardest thing I have even done" but, with time it does get easier.
I haven't been able to accept doing it. I'm chicken! Remember, any of you, when we'd take kids to swimming lessons and be told to watch through the window at how they were doing, but don't come in because they're insecure and they won't adjust? That's what it sounds like you're going through. When I came back from the cruise, my daughter said L. had been fine the first couple of days but the longer I was gone the more anxious he got, even though she told him I was coming back.. day after tomorrow, tomorrow.. He is quiet and almost completely compliant with me. He will not be so with others, I'm certain. So he'll get drugged.. and that makes me sad. Let him sit and eat his cheerios with chopsticks and watch kids' TV. I can stand it.
briegull, I would much rather have my husband home eating cheerios & watching T.V. however, I cannot trust him anymore not to hurt or even kill me. He is not compliant with me any longer, actually, he is not compliant with anyone when it comes to changing him. With his strength, I have with regret, realized I can no longer care for him. Now when he declines to the point where I can handle him again, I plan on bringing him home, have Hospice come until the end.
NO, I know that, Kadee, and I am in no way criticizing ANYone who needs to put them in a facility. I was surprised at my PCP when I went in for a checkup the other day, how he, without prompting, started telling me about men with dementia overwhelming their wives, and how lucky I was that I haven't had that problem. His parents are alive and know several couples with dementia in their lives, so he's very aware. And if mine gets the way yours is, into a facility - ANY facility! - he will go. I'm just thankful we're not there. Yet.
I did not think you were criticizing anyone briegull. Anyone who is a caregiver...even though each case is different, knows what could come in the future. I am so glad you or anyone else who is not dealing with this part of dementia, I pray that you never will. As others have said, I probably waited to long to place him...I knew he was violent, however, just couldn't bring myself to accept it. Still today, I am pondering whether I made the right decision. I HATE THIS DISEASE!!!!!!!!!
Kadee, from where I sit, you really didn't have any choice. It was a matter of safety, and that shouldn't be debatable. Please try not to second guess yourself any more than you can help. All in all, things may have worked out exactly as they should have. Because your DH had been going to the facility for day care, the transition will, hopefully, be fairly easy for him. In fact, it'll probably be easier for him than for you. Try to take some small comfort from knowing you did what you had to do. (((((hugs)))))
Kadee, I am not where you are in this process and I dread the idea that my sweet hubby could ever turn on me this way. We just never know. Your husband became violent and you did what you needed to do, heartbreaking as it is, to save your self from harm. If you were hurt to the point of being totally disabled or worse, then who could or would care for your husband? His situation would be a lot worse. You are doing the best thing you can and no one is sitting in judgment of your decision. Try to be at peace knowing you ARE doing the best and safest thing for both of you, and that you are doing it out of love and concern. Hugs to you!
My dear wife Carol, has been in a NH,after 3 wks in Alz Facility, and it was interesting that only the Director told me to wait. The head nurse and day nurse said that they did not think that was necessary. They would help me distract her until I slipped out. Haven't had a single problem. Excejpt that it is so SAD!!!