Joan I experienced this yesterday. I had called the doctor in Ohio about my SIL. Of course you never get to speak to a doctor just his nurse. It's a long story about my SIL but she also has Alz BAD and it looks like she is going to have to leave the Senior Apartment she is in. Anyway, I was telling the nurse what had happened so that when we go up there and need to see the doctor he will know why. My DH had a fit----yelling and cussing. Finally I yelled "If you don't like what I am doing YOU do it" and I walked away. He went for a walk and when he came back he said he wanted to talk. Turns out he had everything mixed up as usual!!!!!! He was pretty nice the rest of the day and night but I was still annoyed and just answered with yes and no. He's not that far gone he doesn't know what he did and I think sometimes this "I don't remember" can be a convenience. Today has been much better for both of us. I know he can't really do what needs to be done for his sister----his brain just isn't working the way it should. I imagine there be more to some of the yelling so I will just yell back and see what happens. Too bad we can just "forget" things.
I do think that quite often our LO takes out their frustrations, repressed anger, and other negative emotions on their spouse as they know we will forgive them, will not leave them, and generally put up with all sort of abuse. We are their only source of protection from the uncertain world around them. In otheer words, they don't have to work hard at putting up a realistic front. Coupled with their increasing tendency to not understand our sesitivities and indifference to our feelings makes for a difficulty in communicaton. That is why, I think, they really try hard to be normal around others, as others will not forgive easily or understand their weaknesses in the new territory of AD. This happens with couples normally, we are inclined to treat our mate unkindly sometimes because of familiarity and their proximity to us but our mate becomes the object of our misplaced aggression moreso due to our reaction to the disease . Probably the only recourse often is to remove ourself until the atmosphere is cleared . I have learned that our hurt remains and I will always remember the unkind words and actions but I try to remember also the person m y DH was before his illness.
The hurt definitely remains. I also agree that the I don't remember comes in real handy. I think more information about the drastic personality changes needs to be addressed upfront by the medical profession. No one told me my husband would get so mean and nasty with me and be just peachy around others. The first time he flew into a rage I was dumbfounded. I was not prepared mentally for the behaviors I am encountering every day. My husband's neurologist would like to put him on medication to help control the rages and temper tantrums but my husband refuses. He continually states I am the problem not him. Me however I have no problem popping a xanax. I am tired of crying alone and hurting however, this is exhausting and mind numbing.
You are using the same words I have used since the beginning- "NO ONE TOLD ME" - that my husband's personality would change; that he would become irrational; that he would throw temper tantrums;that our relationship would change; that I would change. As I say in my "Welcome Blog" from last July when I launched this site - "All I ever saw of an AD spouse was Nancy Reagan staring adoringly up at her husband." I didn't know about the emotional pain involved day in and day out. That is why I started this website - to let others know that they are not alone in their struggles, that as far as spouses and Alzheimer's Disease "our issues are unique", and we need to draw strength from each other.
It's a constant learning process, and today, as I said in the Blog, I'm trying to learn to "let the hurt go and forget it". It really is much better for my mental health, but soooooo hard to do.
Joan, one thing we all have in common is that we don't want to be ignorant about this disease....that is why we are here! We are learning from each other the things no one has told us about - that would be happening to our spouses (spice)! And how to deal with them! This website is wonderful! It is helping us understand that what happened to us today has happened to others here and what to do and more importantly, that WE ARE NOT ALONE in this horrible situation we find ourselves!
It is absolutely true that EVERYTHING I've learned about this group of diseases I've learned online. No one told me either, and I am not at all sure why.