Does anyone have any experience with their spouses inappropriately giving away money? I find Mr. is giving away amounts from $ 20 - $ 200, (so far), to people whom he feels sorry for, complete strangers. Is there a way to handle this practically and diplomatically?
Welcome, nelle. I "stole" my husband's credit cards and left him with limited cash in his wallet. Luckily he forgot how to use the ATM or write a check.
My DH "lost" his credit cards - so I had to cancel. (Not) Told him we don't do checks anymore - I do all the banking on-line. I give him money when we are going out - small amount. nelle, this isn't easy sometimes, but you need to get a handle on it as soon as possible or it can devastate you financially.
My dw has always given money away.. she no longer wants dollar bills, hates five dollars, and rarely takes a ten....she loves $20, and fortunately, my recovery system is in effect....she usually gives the money to my son or daughter, or a friend, and they promptly palm it and slip it to me when she is not looking....that same $20 can be given away several times before it disappears for good....
Hello, nelle. I have had this problem for several years (my spouse wasn't diagnosed until 1-1/2 years ago). I didn't realize how bad it was because he was the one writing the checks. I found out by accident while going over our checking acct. statement. He had given away a lot of money via checks (I dont' want to get into who he gave it to). I remember the terrible fight we had about it. Now, I realize it was because of his problem. He still has a checkbook, but I'm the one taking care of the bills and bank statements, so I know where the money is going. I let him keep some checks but I've told everyone we know about his FTD and what he has been doing, so things are fixed there. With the checks, he still feels like he has some power and I give him cash during the month to hand out to the grandchildren when they come over. Fortunately, I found out about the huge tips he was giving to the men who came to do work outside because they were nice enough to contact me when we were alone and gave the checks back to me. These things seem controlled now and I watch our accts. very carefully.
Hey, hey.....so, I'm NOT going crazy! For years, I thought I HAD been! I remember going to a radio station with him once, when he felt moved to present some bullion to them years ago! Went on air and everything, expressing his appreciation and challenging others to do the same! WILD. Now, I know what was going on in his head....his mind was becoming dismembered from his body....and reality!
Thank you all! Can you believe that is the first post I have ever made to ANY discussion forum? The fact that you actually receive constructive ideas from it is sort of mind boggling to me.
YES. I have to watch the mail. Seem my husband is more open to making donations. And I get at least 3 requests from these organizations every week. I have started to sent the junk back in their post paid envelopes telling them to take us off the lists. Some of the organizations are good ones like Wounded Warriors or Disabled Am VEts..but good grief. So yes I do have that problem. Also he is willing to help people out..he will say he will loan them XXamount.....I put a stop to that. I also pay all the bills and check everything. He cannot be trusted with the checkbook...he will write an amount but not the number or where the check was written.
My hubby always did the tax prep. Last year he was slower with it and this year it is not even on his radar screen. He has been working with the taxes for days now and is still going through the check book for deductions which I did for him twice... So tomorrow night I will sort it all out once again and have it ready to go to the tax lady on the 4th. Wish me luck.
Welcome nelle. You will find caring compassionate people on this site who have great ideas and have lived through most every situation you have or will be going through. It is critical you take control of the finances and money now or it could lead you to financial ruin. The issues will range from NOT paying bills, to generous donations to some organization (not always legit), to overspending on credit cards, to providing credit card and checking account numbers to unsavory businesses. I have as many bills as possible sent to me electronically so he doesn't get them, I do all banking electronically and remind him that he doesn't need to write checks because I pay on-line. He no longer gas any credit cards and like others he only gets a small amount of cash. Right now my biggest problem is all those infomercials on TV - they tempt him everytime.
I was out of town when you posted, so I would like to officially welcome you to my website. You have come to a place of comfort for spouses who are trying to cope with the Alzheimer's/dementia of their husband/wife. The issues we face in dealing with a spouse with this disease are so different from the issues faced by children and grandchildren caregivers. We discuss all of those issues here - loss of intimacy; social contact; conversation; anger; resentment; stress; and pain of living with the stranger that Alzheimer's Disease has put in place of our beloved spouse.
The message boards are only part of this website. Please be sure to log onto the home page - www.thealzheimerspouse.com - and read all of the resources on the left side. I recommend starting with "Newly Diagnosed/New Member" and "Understanding the Dementia Experience". There are 4 sections for EOAD members - two of which focus on the young teens whose parents have EOAD (early onset AD). There is a great new section on informative videos, and another excellent resource - Early Onset Dementia - A Practical Guide.
Do not miss the "previous blog" section. It is there you will find a huge array of topics with which you can relate. There is a new "search" feature on the home page that allows you to look up different topics that may have been explored in a previous blog. Log onto the home page daily for new blogs; news updates; important information.
We have a "Welcome New Members" section at the top of this forum, but everyone seems to just welcome members in the discussion where they find them. If you feel comfortable doing so, you can post some information about you and your spouse in that section so we can get to know you better.
Mimi and others - I would really encourage you to either us a excel or other spreadsheet, Microsoft money (not sure how it works) or Quicken to record your finances in. It makes it so less stressful at tax time because you can just print out your years expenses instead of going through the checkbook and papers. After entering in the expense and payment, if it is a deductible you file it away for your records. If you take the info to an tax man, you just print out your years report, circle the info they need and let them do the rest.
LFL, My husband was making those donations as well before I began taking over the finances. He wanted me to keep sending them money, so I sent as little as possible, but doing that gives other organizations our name and every day they keep coming. So, we talked about it and I showed him that some of them were not ones we should be donating to and we agreed we would send only to the ones who really need it.
And, guess what? He was watching those infomercials late at night and ordered $300 worth of records from the '60's! When they came, he insisted he didn't order them. I calmly told him that I didn't do it. It was hard for him to finally admit that he could have ordered them. He was upset and told me to send them back. but I felt bad for him because he really wanted the records, even though he didn't remember ordering them. Needless to say, we kept them and he truly loves the music, so I guess it was worth it. I guess the charge card is the next to go. I've been trying so hard to let him feel he has some control over things I just hate to take everything away. Anyway, the music is terrific and brings back a lot of good memories for both of us, so it wasn't such a bad thing.
Bev - you have created your own music therapy for him. As posted here and I have read about the connection AD patients make with music. Actually, I think we all do. I find myself turning on the 50s music more and more. (Satellite music channel) It brings a peace to me.
My dw would watch HSN and order almost everything she saw.....Packages arrived daily, and when she opened them, she would complain that it was not what she ordered, or that she was allergic to them.. I spent about a year returning them all, and each time, it would cost about $10. in return postage.
If you are having money problems, I do have a very easy simple solution... Just send it to me...and your money problems will literally disappear... You have my word on that... As mentioned before, I hired a money manager and pay him $5,000/mo to worry about my financial problems....
I called our tax lady today to give her a heads up that my DH has AD..she lost her dad to this so she was really understanding. I think we will get through this tax season and I think the suggestion for the spread sheet will be a good one to try. I have a MAC and I think there is some kind of program already on my system that I can try to set up. I just hate bookkeeping in addition to all the rest.but....somethings you just have to do. I am exhausted today..hubby was out with his pals and things just all had a chance to descend in full force. I thought I would get lots done..ha ha...just didn't know where to start first..thought I would shred all the old papers that we don't need now...dang thing jammed up on me..so I have been clearing it out and if it won't work..I just happened to buy a newer one last week... always something isn't it.
So nice to receive all of your comments, joang, thank you in particular for that nice welcome. I have been looking over the sight and have found it so helpful to realize the support that is out there. I am working on the money thing. My best idea so far is to open a "duplicate" account for Mr. with a small amount of money in it. I feel it's kind of like the driving thing, It seemed like a radical step when he stopped driving (he did this on his own thankfully), but I was so glad that it was done. So if I severely limit his access to money now, I hope to prevent something bad from happening in the future. It's weird how these things pop up and make you say "whoa, I guess I'll have to handle that now". Soon it will be something else.
So right, Nelle, just one thing after another. We had a lovely tax deduction one year because dh had given so much money to charity, and I was not yet paying attention. I've pared it down, but we still get scads of mail. Fortunately he has never given cash to people, although he often tries to pay our cleaner when I've already paid her. Thank heavens she is honest.