I know we are supposed to redirect our LO's when they are in a phase of paranoia or imagining. I understand that if they ask for their mother or a relative who has passed on you can tell them they are visiting someone etc. What do you do when they ask a direct question and wait for an answer? On different occasions my DH has asked where our money is and I tell him in the bank, he seemed to think it should be in our home! With his obession about the woman on the second floor and her wanting him to help her with the parking.NOT, NOT, NOT. I have tried to explain to him if anyone wanted him to do anything it would have to come from the HOA not someone who lives here, or wait until he gets a letter. It works for a while but then it comes up again and my patience is about zero.
It is in situations like the ones you describe that we have to be thankful they forget quickly. The bank - if you tell him the money is in the bank, and he wants it at home, tell him you'll get it next week. Hopefully, he'll forget by then.
Never try to "explain" anything to him. I'm not sure what you mean about the lady, the parking lot, and the HOA. I remember you writing about it, but I can't find it.
Unfortunately, we have to keep using the same diversion and delay tactics for the same subject - over and over and over again, and yes, it can try the patience of a saint.
I was in a tizzy last Wed. and Thur. trying to get everything done and ready before I went to RI on Friday. For those two days, he kept asking me the same questions every 5 minutes- non stop- same questions, until I finally lost all patience and yelled - NOT ONE MORE QUESTION. DO NOT ASK ME ONE MORE QUESTION. NOT ONE. I felt badly about it, but sometimes, the patience just wears out.
joan, My DH doesn't forget for more than a few days. It has been going on since last year. He thinks the lady on the second floor is supposed to be changing the parking in front of the condo and asked him to help her. In with this was...I would have to move my car to the guest parking across from the condo. Then he came up with "they" were trying to get us out of our condo and were going after our money. I had 2 days of it last week and 2 days so far this week. Yesterday he asked what we get out of the condo!!!!!!!! As if we should be getting paid or something. The neuro has already doubled his Sertraline/Zoloft from 50mg to 100mg. He may have to up the dosage again when we see him at the end of this month.
Tonight I am the "monster" in the house. My patience left hrs ago and my dh who usually goes right to bed has been the most compatitive I have ever seen him. Why is it I am feeling so bad when I have done absolutely everything for this man the last 4 yrs. I know this will pass by morning, but tonight he hates me, wants to throw me out of the house, and must find the man to tell on me. So we will go to bed tonight without brushing our teeth. I know deep in my heart it is not him but the disease-but a little of me dies everytime when I see the "nasty" side of him. This is something new and I either feel angry or just plain sad. I guess God will have to get me through this one, because I am ready to pack my bags....
Is it the full moon? My DH has questioned our history the last few days, he doesn't remember our 31 years together. This is the most dramatic change I have seen in awhile.
I just made him some brownies and it has taken away the anger at the bad things I have done that are making him so mad at me tonight. I will have to remember to use chocolate more often.
My husband and I were watching a travelogue about Iran last night (we cant watch much because he cant' follow the plot) Anyway, he wanted to know if we moved there, like if he got a job and they transferred him, would they have churches...... this went on and on, I couldn't handle it anymore, so I told him to just watch the show and be quiet. Oh and he wants to take his mother out to dinner this weekend. i'm afraid to tell him she's dead, because for a while he thought I was her, so he remembers her being here. I told him we'd do it over the weekend. Redirect is not that easy.
bevL, most of the time I feel like a failure! I'm always wondering why I can't handle this better. I have been a bitch and a monster myself at times. IT just keeps coming at you and coming at you over and over and over and it never ever stops. I keep "pushing the cork back down" but sooner or later I just explode. There are so many days I want to run away and never look back. In my heart I know I never will but that doesn't make it any easier. Keep hanging in there like all the rest of us and we'll help each other through THIS. Keep the faith. . .
Patt K, I think in dealing with this if you are giving it your best you should never consider yourself as failing. And remember this, We are not always at our best at the same momment we are doing our best. Please don't confuse being at your best with doing your best. They are two very different things. Nobody can be at their best all the time. But we can do our best at any given momment.
JimB, What you said makes so much sense. Whenever I get to the point (but it doesn't happen very often anymore) where I get irritated or angry, I DO feel guilt, but know I shouldn't. We ARE all doing the best we can, even though we don't realize it sometimes. There are some days when I feel such tremendous love for him and fear for him and what he is going through and other days when I feel a little ashamed at the way I'm talking to him. When that happens, I'll try to remember what you said. I have to remember he's a MAN, someone who was a take-charge kind of guy, a leader both at work and at home, and I must treat him like one, even though sometimes he seems like a child. I have to remember to treat him with dignity and respect. But, at the same time we must realize that EVERYONE feels anger and irritation and frustration, no matter what they're going through, so we must try not to feel guilty when those times come around, and they'll be coming around more and more often as we progress through this disease.
Reading the above makes me think about the "good old days" when my husband did some of the same things. Redirecting is not always easy and we have to be tremendous detectives to figure out what their real concern is. I often did okay at it but also had those moments when I lost it and totally failed. Patience, I have a very large well of it but there were times it was completely dry. What I did do is find ways that worked a lot of the time - sometimes it was "the dog needs a walk", sometimes it was pointing out something cute that one of the animals was doing at that moment, sometimes it was hugs and kisses, and sometimes it was just waltzing with him in the kitchen. Humor often worked - not a joke but just and enjoyment of our being together and telling him that. I often found that when I complimented him on something he could or did do, he would relax. Even now, I can see the difference in him when I tell him that he did some things well and thank him for that - he likes that.
There was something I read somewhere about positive therapy and AD. Apparently, positive comments to them helps improve the situation. After reading that, I tried it and for my husband, it did make a difference. I've noticed that nurses and aids the facility he is at do it a lot. Even difficult residents seem to be better for it.
Yes, positive comments and compliments do help. Thanks for reminding me, Therrja. I tend to forget. He did a great job of peeling the potatoes for supper and I should have made a bigger deal of it.
Well we are back to the woman on the second floor!!!! Lastnight it was he was supposed to help her with something AGAIN. I told him we had discussed this 2 or 3 times in the past few days and he had decided he wan't going to do anything. Today it was the woman wanting more money for taxes. Figured out he meant the Home Owners fees. I started to tell him she has nothing to do with it the money goes to the HOA to pay for the upkeep of the outside areas. He said she isn't doing it for nothing. Just then a neighbour came over so FOR NOW he has forgotten it. When he keeps bringing this up he is starting to make me sick to my stomach.
This woman is a retired nurse and she has a bad leg I don't know how old she is but not a young woman so I am pretty sure she wouldn't want to be bothered with anything and just left alone. If he brings it up again in the next few days I am going to see if we can get an appointment with the neuro before the one on the 31st.
I know it isn't nice to say but sometimes I wish he was bad enough to be placed in an ALF. I just can't keep going through this every few days. I am not the crying type but I could almost cry now.
Sometimes my DH goes on about having to have a MRI. He keeps on and on about not having it. He is in the BAP study and has one four times a year. Sometimes when he get stuck and cannot get off the study, I say I cannot talk about this anymore. Of course he forgets I have said that and goes on again. I did get him on Zoloft and it seems to help. He is due to have one the 18th. I will not tell him about it until that day. Once when he was so upset about going to have and MRI and had it, on the way home he asked me what they had done to him that day. He also gets wound up about getting the mail. After he has gone to the mailbox and we have already thrown out all the mail, he keeps asking if we got the mail. Finally, I have to write it down for him.
jean i think its a wise idea to go ahead and try for an earlier appt. no need to suffer. you are on the edge with all that paranoia and his meds may need tweaking again. if anything i have learned its about every 2-3mos they become intolerant to the meds doseage and more may be needed to keep them calm. good luck, it isnt easy hearing talking to a wall. (G) divvi
My husband has not fixated on anything like this yet. He does repeat himself sometimes, but it isn't as bad as several of you describe. We had a support group meeting this morning and afterwards we ate lunch at IHOP with the group. One of the men at our table told my husband the same story four or five times and asked what he did for a living at least as often. I agree that it was annoying, and I'm sure I would get just as annoyed as you all do.
However, there is someone who posts on this list who told me that one of her husband's first symptoms was the loss of the ability to speak. He could no longer remember words or form sentences to express himself. When I think about her story, I think I would rather listen to repetition and obsessions that never have my husband talk to me again. At least when he's repeating, I know what he's thinking about, and he can sometimes tell me he loves me. I can't imagine what it would be like live with him and not have him talk to me regardless of how irritating that talk was. I hope I will be able to remember this and redirect my husband kindly when the time comes.
As regards the obsessing, my DH is in the sort of maybe early stages but there are symptoms of others stages like repeating questions sometimes...and there are the good days when he is pretty sharp and others where things are a mystery.I think if he gets a good night sleep he does better. I have learned though not to tell him about a visitor or an appt much before that morning, because he begins to focus on that upcoming event until I think I will lose my mind. Our youngest is coming out to stay for a while while I go to Iceland in May for two weeks with our middle girl and her husband to work on some properties up in the Western Fjords..I wonder when he will start on that one? So far so good.