Pardon me if this has been discussed recently, but, as some of you know, my DW has been in a NH (Locked down assisted living facility) for two weeks now so this is all new to me. The problem is that when I go see her she literally begs me to 'take her home'. When this happens, she is sobbing and her heart is breaking. I have said before that something was 'the hardent thing I had ever done', but, this is worse than anything else has ever been. It just tears me up and makes me want to bring her home. I even end up thinking (temporarily) that maybe I can take care of her again. I know better than this and I come to my senses, but, I really want to bring her home and be with her again.
Then, when it is time to leave, I have to have one of our children or other family member stay with her so I can leave. The way we were living was hard and difficult, but, this is hard and difficult too. It just isn't fair. I hate this disease.
So many of our members have experienced exactly what you describe. Yes, it is heartbreaking and painful, but you know that placement was necessary for both of you. I realize that knowledge does nothing to alleviate the pain you are feeling now - I hope that those who have been there will be along soon to offer you some solace.
You have my support, understanding, and hugs - I hope it helps a little.
Dean-we place our loved ones for many reasons. There comes a time when they are safer and need more care than we can provide. The decision is never easy. Thankfully (I think) my husband has no idea where he is or what was home. I remember and it hurts. We all hate the monster.
Dean, I am guessing you just want to make her happy. I am also thinking you are doing the very best you can. I totally know how that feels...my husband is in a group home since October.
Have not placed my DH but when I dealt with placement of my father, when visits were an emotional upset for any party, we backed off on the frequency. In our case it helped greatly.
Dean, I have been through your pain, and it continues. My DH has been in care for 17 months now, in several places. I had experiences when he also begged to go home, and how that hurts, but you know that it is not a possibility. Now he is at the point where it is so hurtful to see him, wither away, a man of such humor, vitality and love for everyone, that my visits are much shorter and end in tears. I know that I must carry on, somehow.
The only advice I can give you is that I so often told him he is there to get strong once again, and then he will be home. Time is meaningless to our loved ones, but it soothes them, and gives them hope. I hope this will help you.
my dh used to cry to come home all the time until I started to tell him I was going to get something to eat and I would see him later, I never said goodby, just love you see you later, it satisified him.that was the hardest part for me to leave him there and come home and feel like I let him down but it was what was best for him and myself Gail
Dean, there is a book that I'm sure you will relate to. It is out of print, but the last time I checked, there were some used copies available on Amazon.com. It is written by a man who was a pastor, so there are a lot of biblical passages. But this man had to place his wife & it tormented him too. It tells how he came to peace with it. The book is: Journal of a Caregiver (caregiver to an Alzheimer's patient) by Charles H. Morris. If you don't care for all the biblical passages, you can just skip over them & read the core of the book. I hope this helps. He expresses himself very well. I hope you can find peace from his experience and his words.
I try to wait till my DH is napping before I leave, or like Gail I tell him I need to go pick up something from the store, or get a bite to eat, or have to go let the dog out and I'll be back just as soon as possible. Then I ask him if he'll be okay till I get back. So far, it has worked every time.
((Dean)) my heart aches for you. I had to place Lynn a year ago, you are right, nothing was as bad as the cries to go home. Some times were worse than others, like the time I got there and found him in the hall clutching our photo album and when he saw me he dropped to his knees crying thank God over and over....then literally begged me to take him home. My rock, my hero, on his knees sobbing................. *crying....
It was so hard for the first few months, I had to fight with myself daily to not just scoop him up and run for the nearest exist. When I went to leave, a nurse had to come stay with him and another would help me exit the floor without him seeing me. It was just awful, I can imagine how you are feeling... But, It was my deep love for him that made me work through the pain and do the right thing for HIM. He needs to be there, just as I am sure your dear wife does. It isn't easy, it will never be easy, but I promise, in time, it will get better. Still a year later, I never say goodbye. I just tell him I have to run an errand and will be back as soon as possible. Sadly he now doesn't know if I was there 2 minutes, or 2 weeks ago... *sigh. So hard on me, but such a blessing for him.
Dean, just try to remind yourself daily that you are doing what is best for her. That you love her enough to want what is best for her. It isn't much help, but it is all I clung to. ((big hugs of understanding)) Nikki
My DH dozes a lot. I wait until I know he's dozing pretty good and I quietly leave. Before I learned to do that, he would always ask why he couldn't go with me. I go every other day, sometimes more. He's never said a word about my leaving.
Dean, I can only imagine how hard this is for you. I hope that over time things will get easier and settle into some kind of "normal" routine. My thoughts and prayers are with you, my friend. Elena
Dean, you know she is in a good place and that placing her was the best option for the two of you. There are several good ways to leave, the trick is finding one or two that work for the two of you.
Ask the nurses and aids how is she after you leave. Does she cry for a long time or stop and go do something? Keep in mind that in many ways their emotional responses are like those of a small child. One of the things I found when teaching 2, 3 and 4 year olds at Sunday school, that often the kids that made the most fuss when their parents left, were also the ones that settled down right away when their parents were out of sight.
In my case, I tell him I have to go back to work or that I need to go let the dogs out before they pee on the rug. Then I just say, I'll be back in a bit and kiss him and leave. There were only a couple of times that I had a problem.
If you use words like "good-bye" she may be interpreting that as you will never be coming back. Saying you are going to do something and will be back soon can be very reassuring to them.
Its not always easy to find the right formula but you can do it and it will make leaving easier on the both of you.
Does it ever get any easier? It's been almost 2 weeks since I placed my husband in ALF. I visit every day, to either shave him or feed him. He is content & being well cared for, never ask to come home...most days he looks at me like I am just one of the aides. I am glad that he does seem to be adjusting....hopefully, I will start to feel better about leaving him. I know I can't bring home for my safety sake, however, I miss him so much. I need a pep talk!
I know just how you feel, Kadee. My husband has been in the nursing home since mid-January. I still miss him a lot. We probably always will. But then I remind myself why he is there. Mine has never mentioned home either. Strange, isn't it? He still knows me. He's in a wheelchair so he doesn't fall. If there's some kinds of entertainment going on, we go to it. Otherwise, we sit in the family room and watch tv. I pull up a chair next to him and we sit and hold hands. My lonely time is in the evenings. Just keep telling yourself that it's better for both of you. That's what I do.
Yes Kadee-it does get easier. You no longer have 24 hour responsibility-but you are still husband and wife. When I visited my husb and today I talked about our 51 years of marriage. He most likely didn't understand a word I said-but I felt better sharing my feelings with him.
When you leave them in the facility - who is it you really miss. The person they are now or the person they used to be. You will always miss the person that they used to be and that will be true whether they are home with you or in a facility. I miss that person every day but the person he is now? There is barely a shadow of his normal self left - that person I don't miss.
With each change in him, I grieve all over again. It hurts so much to leave him and yet I know he is getting the right care where he is and stimulation that I could not provide for him. He is in a good place.
Bluedaze - I talk to my DH all the time. I don't know what he really understands anymore but I do believe that their soul understands and that they are comforted by the sound of our voices. He no longer voluntarily reaches for my hand but he likes it when I hold his. He still sort of kisses. Sometimes, I don't have much to say but I know that he is comforted just by my being there. I try and act "normal" towards him.