Marsh, I think you're living in the same type of situation as we are, which is independent living in a retirement center. When DH can no longer stay alone for a few hours would he benefit more from a home helper we can hire through our retirement center, who basically would just come up to our apartment and keep him company, or would the activities at the daycare center nearby be a better choice? I'd love to get input on this from all of you wise friends here on the board.
I am not wise, however, if it were me & I had that option, I would choose Daycare. Even though my husband does not participate in many of the activities at Daycare, I believe he is at least inter-acting with others. If he were home he would be sleeping. I know recently, he has started napping at Daycare, however, not the whole time he is there.
That's pretty much what I think, but some family members don't think he would want to have to interact with others. I think maybe people don't realize that a good daycare for dementia patients isn't just "warehousing"
I would choose daycare. My husband goes twice a week and he's friendly according to the staff. He has FTD and doesn't participate much in the activities but prefers to watch their aviary of birds and sit. He's been going for a couple of weeks now so I'm hoping he will join in but right now it gives me some time to myself and I know he is safe. When he's home all he does is watch tv and pace.
Pris R--I have an aide some days and take my husband to daycare the others. I would definitely say the daycare is more stimulating for him. If I didn't have to transport him there myself, I'd send him Mon thru Fri and not have the aide. His activities at home are limited to eating, sleeping and watching TV. He doesn't want to play games with the aide or do anything else, but at daycare they do a lot of trivia games, which he is good at. Today they had an entertainer who sang with a keyboard at the center, and the guy was really good! Sometimes, the members who can get up and dance.
PrisR, I would vote for the day care. I take my wife there 3 days a week from about 9:00 AM to 2:00 PM. I feel the stimulation is good for her. They have music, games, reading, etc. At home, even when I hire someone to sit with her, she basically sleeps, as she does when she is home with me. I have to hire in-home care evenings when I have a meeting to attend and the day care is not open. I am trying to maintain some of my outside activities, which involve evening meetings 2-3 times a month.
I started out with home help. There was no way I thought my husband would go to day care. When I introduced daycare, he thought I was taking him there to be killed. It was awful dropping him off but I enjoyed the time off. Now he is in assisted living. Every situation is different but I do encourage you to make sure you take time for you. I was killing myself and didn't realize it until I looked in the mirror one day. There is no way I could care for him now personally without it negatively effecting me. However, I am still taking care of him now and I'm getting a little healthier every day.
What typically is the average age in day care? I am probably on borrowed time in terms of safely leaving my husband home. He is 60 and I am wondering if it would bother him if he is younger (or if he would even know).
Hi & Welcome dog, My husband is 59 years old, he is the youngest at his Daycare. Everyone is at least 15- 20 years older than him, however, he doesn't seem to mind. Although, he is in the later stages of dementia. I really don't think he realizes they are older.
My husband is the second youngest one at his daycare at 60. They have a man there who is in his 40's. My husband doesn't seem to notice the age differences.
Same here. DH is 66 and the youngest in his group, but he doesn't mention it. In fact he says very little about day care. When he comes home he at first would ask "Have you been standing at the front door waiting for me all day?" and now he wants to know what I did all day. So I tell him, of course emphasizing the things he would have hated.
My husband was also always the youngest. He doesn't seem to notice the age difference, but does notice that some clients are much more impaired than he. He sort of rolls his eyes when he talks about them or when I pick him up, he says "thank G-d you're here" in a joking way, as if being around people who are more impaired is wacky. However, he has never said anything about it being sad, depressing, or made the comparison to himself and how he may be in the future. I know he doesn't realize what's going to happen to him, and that's a good thing.
I think it depends on your husband's personality. Some love the day care and visiting with others. Some are more reclusive and are uncomfortable in that environment. You have to do what you think is best for your spouse and your situation. If one doesn't work, try the other. And be prepared for them loving it one minute and hating it the next. It will be different each day/week...go with the flow...learn some catch phrases to use to get him to do what he must. It's part of the fun we have trying to do what is best for our spouse!
Also, time is generally a minimum of 4 hours. Some will allow before you go to work until you get home, which would be more than 8 hours. And most charge by the hour.
Mary--In this area, they charge by the day, not the hour. So if one needs a full day of respite, is probably more cost-effective than bringing in help.
The day care my husband goes to charges a flat rate per day whether he is there all day or just a few hours. There hours are 8:30 to 4:30. My husband goes from 9 to 3:30.
I'd like to know: How do you get your spouse to go to day care if he doesn't want to? I can't get him out to go shopping with me; he says he'll go and then tells me he doesn't want to go, "you go yourself." He'll go out only if he absolutely has to.
Bev, I started getting my dh out by getting him "hooked" on Mc iced coffee. Soon he wanted to go for coffee and a sausage biscuit every morning and it started being our daily routine. While out I would make another short stop or two. After we ate, I didn't ask him, I told him we were going to stop at WallMart for a few things. Think of one of the few things he loves to eat, or do and start from there. Mary's dh loves his malts and others have mentioned other things.
Well, I bit the bullet. The daycare is just not working for DH. He's the only man there; with about 15 or so ladies. They have very little activities in the mornings - which is Dh's best time. He's not particularly interested in manicures or hair-do's. LOL So... Helping Hands is coming out Sat. morning to evaluate him, talk to me, check the house, etc., then the director will be out Monday to go over everything. It's so much more expensive than the ALZ Center daycare, but he's getting no socialization there anyway, and is always upset when he gets home - then I have to deal with that for several hours. I will try this and see how it goes. Not sure how long, financially, I can do this, but will give it a go.
Oh Vickie, I hope this works out for you. My DH wouldn't got to DC & just after we had a lady scheduled to come & stay with him for a few hours a week I ended up having to place him. Good luck & keep us posted.
Well, it didn't work out well at all. What a week this has been! Since DH has been resisting going to 'work', I called Helping Hands Home Health last week and they came out Sat. to talk to me, meet DH, etc. Went very well. They would provide an aide to come once a week for 3 hours min.; to stay with DH, do light cleaning, etc. He got along very well with her. Then the director /nurse came out Mon.morning to meet us. That didn't go so good with him. But I asked them to come Wed. morning, 8:30. They were to call me Tues. to tell me who was coming. No phone call. Wed.morning no one came. At 8:50 phone rang and they "were checking to make sure I wanted someone on THURSDAY". Told them no, it was Wed. - today. They apologized, said someone would right out. At 9:00 the girl who had come Sat., came. Said she would stay with DH until the Aide got there. He seemed ok, so I left. Came home at 11:30 and he met me at the back door. He was upset I could see, but the Aide said everything went very well. She seemed awfully young, and I heard her call him sweetheart and honey - so that may have been the trigger! After she left, he told me he never wanted to see that girl again, he didn't trust her, all she wanted was a man, didn't want her in this house again, etc. He couldn't tell me any specifics., but he kept talking about it all afternoon - and evening. Bad night, even the Ativan didn't calm him down. It started again this morning and I called the agency and told them what happened, and canceled them coming again. Not sure what, if anything, happened, but I don't need this. I'm just going to continue taking him to the ALZ Center when he will go.
Oh Vickie, I'm so sorry this didn't work out for you-is there another agency you could try or get a recommendation from someone who has successfully used another agency? I know how hard this is.
I did get recommendations for this one. This is a very small town, everyone knows everyone. I just don't think he is ready for someone to come to the house. He's usually pretty good about 'going to work' at the ALZ center, but doesn't get much socialization there, so I thought bringing someone in might help. Don't think so at this time. Maybe later. I'll stick to my original plan. It works on the days he will go willingly.
You guys don't encourage me too much. Once I have dh get a TB test and lung x-ray, the facility about a mile from me will accept him for daycare. They sounded so nice on the phone. Will do daycare, for as many or as little hrs. I want. $10 per hr. which I thought was very affordable.
I haven't mentioned anything to dh about it. My intention was to tell him it was a volunteer position. I have tried to tell myself that he hasn't been ready for that until now. He may not be ready but I sure am.
Like your dh, Vickie, I know mine is not ready for someone to come into the house. I can't even think about that for some time.
Shirley, DH started DC by 'volunteering' for several months. Then he said he needed a job. So I told him he could 'work' at the Center (which is what we call it). He has been satisfied doing this most of the time, until the last couple of weeks. Sometimes, he just doesn't want to go.
Dear Vickie, I'm sorry you've had this problem. It happened with Eric, too. They just don't like someone coming in their home. I think Divvi has a workable plan where she has someone in to "help her." Gradually,this woman was accepted as Divvi's help, although she was actually there for her husband. I think you've made the best decision for now.
Mary75* I too took Divvi's advice. I just started (three times) having someone come in on the weekend for a few hours. I told DH that she was there to help me get some things organized and cleaned in the house and he was supposed to stay and help her. It means that I have to come up with projects to do. One week it was organizing all the screws and nails, another putting letters in sleeves in a binder, as well as folding laundry and shredding old documents. I think I will have them clean out some kitchen drawers (just empty them, wash the drawer, and put the utensils back in), sort recycling, and sort coins. Having a job to do seems to help in easing this new person in his life and house - she is chatty while they work, so that helps.
I also eased him into DC by dropping him off about an hour before lunch and then picking him up in the early afternoon. I told him that after Mass, he might as well stay around for lunch, volunteer a bit in the job, and then I would pick him up. He was very anxious about the new job and resistant about going, but again, I took the advice on this site, and insisted that he go for a few hours. When I dropped him off I also told him that we would get ice cream when I came to pick him up (bribery can be so useful!). There were some difficult days and weeks, but as time went on, DC became the new reality and structure in his life and now on days when he doesn't go he actually misses it. It has been a lifesaver for both of us.
I will say that I think he misses me more and frets about it when he is at home; that DC is a better distraction. I do want to see how it works having someone come to the house and will continue that just to keep all options open.
OK, so I'm going to address this from a little different point of view. Daycare is not for them, it's for you!! Help at home is not for them, it's for you!! They don't usually like either option so pick the one that works best for your own sanity, whatever makes them least agitated. as for my history, DH has been in an AF for almost 4 years (410/2009) but before I ran out of options and almost out of my mind and got physically very sick I tried the daycare thing. He hated it. It was all I could do to get him there and all I could do to deal with his anger after he got back. For the most part, while he was there he behaved but I got the brunt before and after the fact. After he wandered away and the police, bloodhounds and helicopters failed to find him (he hitched a ride with San Diego Gas & electric and they brought him home!) the sargeant read me the riot act. He told me he need 24/7 supervision or he would wander again. So, plan B. I researched and hired an independent caregiver (live-in) to be with him when I could not (I still am working, dH is 20+ years older than I). With the advice of my dear friend I hired a male. They are harder to find but this worked out great for about 9 months until he became too agitated and violent with both of us which led to placement. So my bottom line is, do what is best for your own well-being because if you are not taking care of yourself, you can't possibly help your lo. Honestly, they don't process daycare or homecare any differently, sometimes I think we need to believe that there is a way to make them ok, but there is not.I hope I'm not too blunt but I waited way too long to deal with this problem.
Maggieroni, not too blunt at all. Well said. DH doesn't get angry with going to DC. I think most of the time, he just doesn't feel well and can't put forth the effort. But, that said, he will be 90 years old next month! I think he does remarkably well. And...he doesn't remember from one day to the next about DC, so it's not as if he doesn't want to go there. He gets along fine while there too, except won't eat lunch some days. So, I think I'll stick with Plan A for awhile longer. I can afford it, it's very reasonable, and gives me my time which I need.
Right on, Maggieroni. I think we all work through a progression of options, hoping that the options don't run out. It boils down to doing what is necessary for their safety and our sanity. So glad that you finally found an option that works (what tenacity it took) and your story reminds us all that AD is a moving target for the caregiver.