What do you do or say when you're visiting friends with your spouse/spice and they keep saying the same things over and over or asking the same questions several times. This happened again today and I said "Honey, you've already told us that." I don't want to hurt his feelings but I know other people get frustrated hearing him say the same things over and over. Some of our friends don't know about his problem and they give him these funny looks. Is it OK to correct them?
If they are truly friends I would absolutely tell them what is happening to your husband... They will understand. Our friends are all very understanding and quite sweet to my wife. At least they were back when we could actually get out of the house when she was in the stage that you describe. I wasn't uncomfortable and I could tell that my friends weren't either.
Is there a reason you haven't told your friends?? All our friends have been on this journey with us from our first suspicions on. If you know someone well enough to socialize with them, then you should share this vital information with them. I don't think correcting your husband is good for him, or you and it certainly isn't going to stop the DISEASE from making him repeat himself. Trust, Susan
dazed--- I think this takes a twofold approach. Yes, I think it's okay to gently correct him, if he won't be upset when you do so. That could create a whole other issue. If these truly are friends you are social with--clue them in. Similar situations will occur and it's only fair to let them know what's going on. They may handle it well--or chose not to, but at least you're not leaving them to muddle through without a clue. Detail isn't needed, unless asked for. As it is, his repetitiveness could spark some teasing which he might not respond well to.
I agree with all of the above. If they are friends, they should be told. We told all our friends early on. Although we don't socialize as much as we did before AD, whenever we see them they are understanding. He will repeatedly ask the same question, etc. to them, but they simply respond again - just as I try to do on a daily - minute by minute- basis.
In the beginning, I only told family and very close friends. Then, when I was more comfortable and could do so without choking up or crying, I widenend the circle of people whom I told. I think you need to come to terms with the diagnosis, somewhat, before you are comfortable with sharing it. On the other hand, if you wait too long, people will figure out that something is going on anyway. Frankly, I think it's good when people observe the repetitive questioning. At least then they won't say the irritating "He/she seems fine to me."
I really didn't make my question clear. All our close friends do know about DH's diagnosis and the friends we were with today know but should I mention to my DH that he's already told us something or let him go ahead and tell it several times? The other statement was about casual friends that we haven't told and I don't feel comfortable going into his personal medical situation with them when he tells them something twice. They probably can figure it out, though.
marilyninMD, we've done the same that you did....only told close friends and family. I guess I'm still trying to protect his dignity when I don't want him to keep telling them the same things over and over. Oh Lord, I wish this hadn't happened to us....to any of us.
Before we had this group of Alzheimer friends, Sid and I discussed the situation you mention. We devised a little hand signal from me that would clue him in that he told the story before, and another hand signal to cut it short when he was rambling on and on and on - no off switch.
Now he doesn't ramble - he doesn't talk much. And if he starts telling the same story when we're together with our Alzheimer friends, we're all so comfortable with each other that I can just tell him right out that he's told that before. He also wouldn't remember the hand signals now anyway.
If your husband is capable of understanding the situation, and can still have input, I would ask him what he prefers. If he is not, then you have to do what you feel is best and what you are comfortable with.
Dazed-- Under your clarification I guess I'd decide to intervene or not depending on what feels most comfortable to do at the time. You said these people have been informed, so either way should not be a big deal.
As to the less close friends. A simple clue in should be enough. No details required. I still think it's a good idea to do this because it would reduce chances of comments that could be unfortunate from the uninformed.
Dementia or no dementia I have always hated to see spouses "correct" one another in public. I would let him tell it "again". I have made a practice to discreetly tell almost everybody of DH's condition. Hopefully the knowledge prepares them for any "odd" behaviors and serves as a teaching moment.
I agree with MarilyninMD and that is the way I have been sharing the information. There are days. like today when everything went right like the good old days when DH was totally ok, then there are others where there are bits of confusion. At first I had to be able to even say the words to myself. Then I told one or two friends. I am finding that these people are far more supportive knowing what the situation is because then they can make the effort to be patient and helpful. If they don't know and become uncomfortable they will drift off. They may anyway and we may as well be surrounding ourselves now with people who are supportive. I don't like to have to tell people. But I would rather be a little uncomfortable telling someone ahead of a get together than to have my hubby be embarrassed by something I might have been able to prevent. I also think this well be more likely to provide support for the caregiver as well.
I misread your question...to correct your husband after he mentions the same thing over and over..would changing the topic work? My husban's brother goes often to see their sister who is in assisted living facility and he said when she does this repetition thing, he answers her question but now puts out a finger, then two and so on and finally she got it that she had asked that same question over and over..It dawned on her and she asked him, I have asked the question that many times before? Then she lets it go.
I've discovered from conversations with my family, neighbors and friends that they had a clue as to John's condition LONG before I acknowledged it for myself....so, I wouldn't have a problem with correcting him once or telling the friends once again of his conditon.
The answer is in your question, "Is it OK to correct them? " You can't "correct" them. They don't know they are doing it, or they wouldn't be doing it. They aren't necessarily going to be able to "fix" it, after they've been told. I would try to change the topic or distract, but I would not call them out on their behavior - they can not help it. I sat at dinner last month next to the grandfather of my son's girl friend. He told me the same 2 bits of information over and over, at least a dozen times. I decided to challenge myself and see if I could come up with a different (polite) response each time the statement was repeated. He won in the end, I couldn't think that quickly. But the point is, anyone with an ounce of compassion can see that there is something "not right" even if they are not told about the AD. And unless they are total jerks they should respond compassionately. If they don't, I would say they are not very good friends. Put yourself in your LO's shoes. How painful would it be for you to be chastised publicly and repeatedly for a behavior that you could not control?
At this point my DH has only certain "stories' he tells, over and over again. If we are with people who haven't heard the story, I let him go. If we are with friends who have heard his story over and over, I gently say to him, I think you've told them that before. He doesn't seem to mind. I have even said to him in private before going out with certain friends, Don't tell the story about Chris anymore. That is his favorite story and he has told it over and over to the same friends. Amazingly, if I clue him beforehand he does not tell it. With new people, he stays really quiet.
With Dh, he told me to let him know if he repeated something 3 times. It worked for a while to stop it (temporarily) but no anymore. You can tell him he has said that umpteen times and a few minutes later he will say it again. If that is what is mind is stuck on, he will keep repeating until something else takes its place. Very sad and exhausting.
He did go with the guys and seemed to enjoy with no memory of my younger brother not going. I wish I had gotten over it so soon. It is still bugging me.
Charlotte, you said something interesting about what your DH does if his mind is stuck on something. I can identify with that. I found that last Dec. The son of a friend had died on Thanksgiving Day. Anyway my husband was so focused to the point of obsessing about going to a funeral 6 hours drive away when it was pouring rain and our grand daughter was due to arrive..I finally said to him that he is more concerned about this young 29 year old than our own granddaughter who is coming a long way for such a short time you won't even see her with all the driving back and forth. I said you are as concerned over this as if this young mad was your grandson and he is not. That finally got through but he kept talking about it. Then a couple weeks ago he did this again over the Super Bowl party he was to attend. A neighbor was going to drive a carpool. But no I had to get mapquest and get a map..he called the host 4 times for directions and I thought I would lose MY mind. I could not distract him. It is exhausting and just awfully sad.
What do you say to former classmates (we are planning our 35th reunion) when they say if no one can stay with my dh, I just "bring him along"? Yes, they do know of his condition, but obviously don't understand it. I finally said that I just wouldn't be able to be on the committee this time.
Ann, I have my 40th this summer and already told them I would be attending alone. He could not handle my family reunion last summer - spent most of the time in the MH - no way would he want to hang around people he doesn't even know. And I would not be able to enjoy myself worrying about him sitting alone. At least when he is left home, I know he is watching TV.
Thank all of you for your suggestions which are very good, especially the hand signals if he can remember them. Before we visit with anyone again, I'm going to try to talk with him about this. Also the distraction. I've done this before when he starts to tell something he's already told and it works. It didn't seem to bother him for me to tell him he's already told them. He just looked at me and grinned. About going to reunions, he would never make it through that. Charlotte, I think you're wise to go it alone. Ann, most people don't understand it when you tell them. They either think it's just a memory problem or that they've lost it all mentally and are insane.
Most people figure it out early on that something is up even if you've not mentioned the diagnosis. if they are longtime friends i think the best way is to take them into confidence so they can be atune to any repetitive issues before it happens. letting them know also allows them know you are taking them into confidence as a real friend. i think that ensures a better relationship upfront and more understanding. most of the time i noticed that DH would repeat same stories over and over because they were the only ones he could remember. some things stick in their mind ie 'going home' while others tend to dissipate once told or heard. i believe its why most of us eventually lose contact socially at some point because many of their actions are uncontrollable. correcting them may be temporary -doesnt ensure they wont try again to repeat it in a short time:) divvi
Correcting or reminding a LO that they have repeated a story is denial or desperation on our parts. It doesn't work even though we tell ourselves it does. If our husbands and wives were capable of remembering that we told them they were repeating themselves they wouldn't be repeating themselves and we wouldn't have to tell them. I once agreed with my wife that I would tap her foot with mine under the table when she was repeating a story at a friends house... the very first time I tapped her foot she asked me why I was kicking her. Let it go. Love them and trust that your friends will too.