I cannot believe that with being married for going on 45 years my DW did not know me this morning. She kept trying to tell me that “she couldn’t do this” and I could not figure out what she meant and then she said “we’re just friends, right?”. I showed her our wedding pictures and we both just cried and cried. I am so sad; this disease sucks more and more every day.
Jerry, I empathize with you... I remember those days with my wife. They were gut wrenching. On one occasion when she said a similar thing to me and I responed that we were married and that I was her husband, she tilted her head and said "You are my husband AND my father?". Those are the moments that break through the denial. The moments at which you have to make the jump to the next level. I will always miss the beautiful sexy sweet little thing that stole my heart and changed my life... but for now I am not her husband. I have to figure out how to be for her what she always was for me... a guardian angel. I feel for you Jerry, with every cell in my body.
Jerry, I am so sorry you are now facing this new and heart breaking challenge. My sweet hubby is not there but as you have found this morning, we never know when this sad event will take place. I can identify with how you must be feeling. In 1993 I had been to my folks house getting it ready for their return from a trip..When my mom got out of the car she put her hands on my face and said " Oh my beautiful baby boy" which was hurtful inasmuch as my brother was her favorite child and over all our lives she never hid it. I will keep you in my prayers that you will find a way to find a way to deal with this. Blessings and tears, Mimi
I know--remembering/forgetting you may come and go for a while, it did for my DH. But the time he said 'Thank you, Mommy' my blood ran cold. And I never could figure out what he was thinking when he'd ask me to marry him. But he was always overjoyed when I said 'yes.' It's one strange disease, but at least you know there are all of us who have been there and understand. Blessings.
Oh, Jerry, I'm with you. For about 2 weeks, last month, I was Mom. worse than that though, was the fact that he kept looking for Chris(me). He would say to him mom (me), but you don't understand, she's my wife, and she's gone. What did I do that made her leave. Then, one day, I was bringing him to day care, and I told him and the director, His wife Chris is going to pick him up today. Remember honey, chris will pick you up. That was 3 weeks ago, he's known who I am since. Of course, he now thinks his mother is alive, and wonders why we don't take her out to dinner, but that's easier to deal with than, "why did chris leave me?" My heart goes out to you jerry, and to all of us, because I know, within a short time, my DH will once again forget who I am. It seems to be what happens.
How in the world do you handle that kind of heartbreak and how far into AD are they when they forget who you are? Jerry, I'm so sorry this has happened and Chris, it must have been really awful for him to think you'd left him. I hope this doesn't happen to you again and Jerry, I hope your DW will bounce back and know who you are. Sending comforting hugs to both of you and all the others who have been through this. {{{{{HUGS}}}}}}
My DH did that about three years ago . One time he thought I was his Mother and kept asking where I was. I handled that very calmly. But several months after that we were at a hotel, sitting on the bed. He looked at me and said "Who are you?" I went completly to pieces. He wasn't even concerned about my crying, which was very unusual for him. He hasn't done that since, but sometimes I will catch him out of the corner of my eye, kind of looking at me like he's not quite sure. Lately. tho, he always seems know me. Strange how this comes and goes.
Two years into his disease, my husband started asking me questions such as,"you grew up on a farm, right>"(no)"when is your birthday?"(same day as his). After several questions I finally asked him if he knew my name. Not right now he said. I asked him if he knew who I was to him...he thought for several seconds and said you're one of my wives. I just couldn't help myself, I chuckled and said to him, well I wish the other wives would show up because I really could use the help. He may forget my name from time to time and rarely remembers his childrens names and never did know his granddaughter's name, but he knows we are important to him...that gets us all through. My heart breaks for all of us.
Jerry, I feel your heartache. My dh has FTD and in the scheme of things is doing quite well as far as ADLs, functioning but losing short term memory quickly- doesn't know anything about "our history" over the past 25 years. A few weeks ago we were getting into bed, he kissed me, we said I love you and then he asked "Who exactly are you?". The next day we were talking and he said to me "I know you're my wife but I don't know your name." Both were killers to me. It showed me I'm really not prepared for the horrible journey ahead. One of my biggest fears is that when it comes time to put him in a facility he will find a female friend and not remember me at all. This disease is full of continuing heartache.
And that might now happen again for several months. I mentioned before about it happening to me. Even now that he's in a nursing home, he still knows me. Just the other day, One of the aide asked him who I was and he said that I was his wife. That made my day.
Only a few days ago, at DW's Dr. app., her Dr. asked if she know my name and she said "Jerry" and he asked her who is he and she said "my husband". That made my day and then this morning broke my day!
Do you think that on some level they know you are someone they depend upon even if they 'lose' the connection (wife/parent etc)? I'm not sure if/when this will happen but right now I think DH 'covers' his bases by not referring to me by name..he can't distinguish our children/s or his brother's voice on the phone so doesn't know who is calling him. He is miscalling grandchildren's names now as well. Those we see nearly every day but so far, I think he knows us as family. The day he wakes up and is afraid of the stranger in our home will be as awful as you describe, Jerry.. Did the wedding pictures help? I've wondered if seeing the old photos and trying to make that 50 year leap.(and it is a leap for us)..helped your DW.
My wife no longer shows any recognition at all when looking at old photos. She does not recognize her reflection in the mirror. She answers with a disinterested "no" when I ask her if I am her husband and after a few questions she zones out and refuses to ackowledge me at all. During her more "engaged" moments she seems glad to see me though she has no idea who I am... Then, out of the blue... she will kiss me and tell me she loves me. While there are moments when I get absolutely morose over the loss of so much of what we had... for the most part on a day to day basis, I am used to it. Numb.
As you know my husband has not known me for years. I still chatter to him about what is going on with our family and once in a while he will start to cry. I have no idea if he knows what he is missing or not-but his tears are like a knife in my heart.
Sometimes, I think we set ourselves up for heartbreak when we ask them if they know who we are. I believe that they do know who we are inside but sometimes, can't put it together to say it. Asking them can also confuse them.
It is heartbreaking when they no longer can connect with us the way they used to. It is a very sad part of the disease. We can't change that but we can change us. Everytime my husband lost some ground, I would do my bit of crying and mourning (can't forget that part) but I would also add a line 'I am so glad we got to do .......' or "it is nice that he can still do ...."
This is one of the most difficult things to deal with in this disease. Hugs to you.
My dh did not know me for the last two years and periodically for two years before. When he first started forgetting who I was, I decided that he knew me before and he loved me. After he forgot me my goal was that even though he didn't know who I was, he would always like me, and trust me to care for him and to be there for him. I think I succeeded and that makes me feel good.
the worse part of thier not knowing you is that they still look for you. At least that's what happened to my DH. But, last week, on Wed, he fell and broke his hip. He has known who I am since then. Today, I had to bring him to a local nursing home for rehab... he should be there no more than 2 weeks, but I'm afraid of what's going to happen while he's there.
My husband knows me and calls me Jeanette but he also thinks there is another Jeanette, a "better" one (LOL) somewhere and he often wants me to take him to find her. Sometimes when we get home from somewhere he looks around the house, going in all the rooms and then says "She's not here." Sometimes he feels sorry for Jeanette because she's been alone all day (when he's with me). Gets quite complicated. I think she's got the best end of the stick.
Hmmmm,my LO asked me to leave one night after we had gone to bed,when I asked her why she said her husband would be home any minute an he was an expert marksman,she then prowled the house looking out the windows I suspect she was looking for him to come driving in,she finally came back to bed an I told her he'd have to sleep in the middle because my side was already warmed up,this seemed to pacify her,sleep came late that night
Jeanette, There are 2 Graces in my house also. That other Grace is not pulling her weight around here. She never does any work. Of course, if I loose my cool and fuss or nag she gets the blame. Bad Grace...... He also searches for her at times.
I've tried to think that even if DH reaches a point where he doesn't know my 'name'..he'll still KNOW me. Until the day a couple of weeks ago when he looked at both our daughter and me, then spoke to ME as if I was daughter (we both have dark hair). We just let it go..I felt a lurch. BUT today, when I came back to the house with some groceries, DH looked straight at me (even as I held grocery sacks), and said "i think she went to get groceries'.. I asked, 'Who"? He said," I don't know ,some lady that was here". He DOES know me..I think. BUT he didn't RECOGNIZE me as I came into the house. I felt a stronger lurch.
I needed to call someone and say this..but thats silly. I mean everyone KNOWS thats what alzheimers IS right?? The main question I've been asked is 'does he still know people? or does he still know you? .. Well it might not happen again..or it might happen more and probably will.. Today is THE day and I just had to say that it just knocks the wind out even if this is SUPPOSED TO BE WHAT HAPPENS. Had to type it here. No one I would call could understand.
Yesterday my hb called me "mother," and as soon as he said it, he said, "That's not right; I messed it up, didn't I"? I think he couldn't pull the word "wife" up from the foggy mess. That's my story, anyway.
The question that everyone asks "does he still know you" drives me crazy. I think they do know us on some level but they just can't quite put it all together to say the words. There is a lot more to AD than whether he knows me or not.
My husband sometimes doesn't know me. He asks if I have children, he thinks I have a sister. It is one of the heart breakers when that first happens. Even if one knows that this is part of the disease, it still hurts. This morning he talks about wishing me to have a good live, how much he loves me. I couldn't stop myself from crying. Soon he forgets and moves on to another subject. I'm still stuck in my grieving process, alone--trying to not show to much in front of him.