I know this is extremely difficult to do, but nod, agree, and ignore. Then distract him towards something else. In my husband's case, I feel as though he is looking for an argument when he starts complaining.
If it is in public, and he is complaining (loudly)about, for example, the restaurant service, a stern "DON'T START! NOT NOW!" usually stops him. If it is at home, I agree and then walk away. If you try to reason with him or argue back, it adds fuel to the fire, and he'll go on a roll. Generally, if you don't argue or rationalize back, they will sputter out and stop.
Ann, It took me a while to ignore my DH and his complaints. Most times now I just nod in agreement and like just about everything else he forgets after a while. Ignoring the complaint is better for both of us instead of trying to pacify him and getting into an arguement. Good Luck.
My DH has dementia as well as totally blind from macular and terminal cancer... Needless to say he does not and cannot drive anymore... The desire to carry the car key around with him is ever present and he will utterly bitch for hours.. says he needs me to leave a key in the car when he insists on staying in the car... Reminds me that half the car belongs to him and that he will contact the dealer to get more keys..I invited him to do just that,,, Actually he might forget, but I did assure him that we could fix this little matter... No more outings where he might not want to accompany me inside..On that score, he complains that I never take him anywhere... Irony in that is when I go he goes... funny how that works... I am trying so hard to do EVERYTHING to make his life pleasant.. anyone out there have an answer... I do feel that there are times when we cannot stay silent especially when DH will NOT shut up...Pacifying him won't work...What a blessing if he would sputter out and stop.. He has a giant persecution complex, always had this, and the world is surely out to do him in... Waiting for help....HELP>HELP.. thanks for, at least ,listening..
peggy, A while back my DH was paranoid. People were trying to get us out of our condo and going after our money. As usual nothing I said could get him to change his mind. When he comes up with things like this or does things he shouldn't I keep it in the computer and print it out for the neuro when we have an appointment. At fist the neuro put him on 50mg of Sertraline/Zoloft. The last time we went the neuro he doubled the dose to 100mg. I hope I am not jinxing things by saying this but I don't have anything in the computer to print out for the appointment next month. It is really stress relieving not to have to listen to the wild stories so you might want to check with the doctor about getting something for your DH. I hope this helps you
Ann, it's good to see you posting. Ann and Peggy, how hard it is! Any possibility of getting meds, as Jean suggests? Risperdal has really helped the ranting in our case. ANd it has not made him drowsy or less responsive in other ways.
Peggy, we just came from a poetry reading session. When I read your posting I suddenly realized that I was reading it as though it were poetry. I went back over it again, and still get the feel of poetry in not only what you wrote, but the way you wrote it. Your emotion comes through very clearly.
I thought things were so great in our household for the past two months (just some minor things I could handle okay) I forgot a little bit how things could change so suddenly. And, they have. He was put on a medication to calm him, and he was doing so well. But, for the past few weeks, I've suddenly had a reintroduction to those--I won't call them rages-- but he gets very angry at the slightest thing. And, what's surprising, is that most of this is occurring earlier in the day rather than later like he was doing before (although I do think that if it's going to happen, I'd rather have it in the morning). I have dealt with four days of extreme nervousness because I haven't been sure what he was going to do or say. He hasn't been eating well, only one meal a day, and in the evening is like a different person from the morning one. When this happens, I find I get so frustrated by not being able to say what I want to say that, right now, I have a pain in my stomach and am unable to finish the things I've started today because I feel so "discombobulated." I've started several things today and seem unable to complete them.
How do you cope with these things as well as some of you do? I thought I was, but right now I'm not sure I can cope with this as long as some of you have. I do know that I will have to get someone in my home to help. I've been procrastinating because things have been so good for a while. I admire so very much the ones on this site who seem able to let some things roll right over their shoulders, and I've been doing that for a while but don't seem as able to right now. I absolutely know that I could never have him go to day care, unless his mind deteriorates to the point that he doesn't know what he is doing.
Thanks, Marsh,,,when I read your comment, I cried.. It felt good to be understood... I really don't know how others, who I know have it worse, hold it all together... I am a mess.. I will be taking DH to our GP again this week.. I will make appointments for us both,, Hopefully I can get in first and fill this guy in on DH.. then when DH goes in, Doc can be aware AGAIN of things he should look for.. I suggested, earlier, to DH that we see a neuro....That started WW3... So I'll just DO It and if I never get spoken to again, then that's what I have to do... Don't know if I'm mad because I've let this disease affect my health too or if I've just lost all feeling except caring for this unreasonable individual.. Bev, I know how you feel about placing him in day care... BUT, I am at the point that no matter the outcome, I will have to get peace... It will not get better and my mental health will get worse trying to bring about the impossible...All our meals are nothing but nags about the most insignificant things...nothing pleases him.... Is this likely to pass?? Marsh, does reading poetry help?? Swinging from a tree doesn't......thanks , all for letting me vent.
Peggy, I met a woman some years ago who said whenever she felt down she would read poetry. She had learned this through her highschool English teacher, a young man by the name of Stephen King. This was before he started writing.
Peggy, you might want to write down your concerns and other pertinent info before the appointment and give it to the receptionist or nurse and explain that you would like the doctor to read it. You then won't have to worry about talking to the doctor or saying something in front of your husband that might upset him.
Bev, My DH is still quite pleasant and I hope to God he stays that way. He never has been prone to rage or anger. Perhaps it has a lot to do with his training and years as an attack pilot..he always has said "if it's not arms and legs don't sweat it" and I hope this sticks with him. This is not to say there are not things he does or doesn't do that don't make me angry. 2 Days ago I was organizing the tax papers for our appt in a couple weeks with the CPA and he decided to check things out. Mind you all our files have become one big nightmare of a mess of misfiled forms and documents and I have spent hours going through things to find it all. Somehow with all his "help" the worksheet from the CPA went missing..well long story short I got so dang mad I was ready to throw my coffee cup across the room..But I worked too hard for those things and refuse to do that so I went outside and nearly beat the green waste trash can to bits! Felt better too after that. My husband used to say we need to do something violent every day to stay fit..he meant running...I think the same is more true now than ever for us that we need to do something physical, to break a sweat...I think there is something in that which will help us keep on an evil keel..Now to find the time.....sigh
mimi, please stay on an even keel - stay away from the evil keel :) You are absolutely right - we all need to do something physical - exercise - because that is how we produce those wonderful endorphines! (well, there are other activities that produce them as well...) From wikipedia: Endorphins are endogenous opioid polypeptide compounds. They are produced by the pituitary gland and the hypothalamus in vertebrates during exercise, excitement, pain, consumption of spicy food and orgasm, and they resemble the opiates in their abilities to produce analgesia and a feeling of well-being. Endorphins work as "natural pain relievers."
The term "endorphin" implies a pharmacological activity (analogous to the activity of the corticosteroid category of biochemicals) as opposed to a specific chemical formulation. It consists of two parts: endo- and -orphin; these are short forms of the words endogenous and morphine, intended to mean "a morphine-like substance originating from within the body."
Thanks, all.. I have list ready for doc.. the last one said there was nothing wrong with him.. We all know that at home it's a different story and that in public they may seem spacey but at least hold IT together for the public..To Bev:: I have whacked the poster bed so many times, one post is flopping.. Better than whacking DH. and it does help relieve the urge to destroy something.. Pretty bad, huh... I have grown to depend on you all so much... From Marsh, I'll check out poetry books and from Bev, beat up the garbage can, any color, and for me get the bed post glued... got to have humor...Slept well last night so today I can smile... and thank God for a few moments between episodes.. love you all....
About lists. I keep a log and I hand the more recent pages of the log to any doctor or social worker we see. It is better than trying to remember what they have been told and what they have not been told.
My log is on the computer and it is rather conversational.
I also use the Blessed Dementia Scale and make out a new copy each time I see a doctor or social worker. It was developed in the 40s or 50s and was intended for a nurse or medical assistant to give to the caregiver (not the patient). For stage 4, 5, 6 and 7 is is probably the best thing out there. Because you can SEE exactly how far they have gone, or will be going, and so can the doctor. I discovered the Blessed Dementia Scale online. Go here to find it. I just copied and pasted into a Word document.
Interesting Starling. I just skimmed through it but I don't think my DH is in the mid stages like the neuro said the last time we were there. Some of the things listed didn't apply to DH so I have no idea where he is with this disease.
Mary, normally when I get all steamed up I go and pull weeds but the garden guys were just here. So I went out and beat up the green waste plastic can. No harm to either me or the can..I am not a violent person . I am, however Irish!
I just went back and read my earlier post..it was a typo!! I have Meniere's and I have dyslexic fingers. That is one of the features I think..sometimes I'll type a word backwards like ti for it or teh for the...so when you see something like that and I don't catch it first...no I intended to say keel even not evil..Let's see, does that count as sort of an 'ALRIGHTY THEN" for spouses? : )
Mimi, hope you had a spare trash can. It's good to know I'm not the only one who hits things when I get frustrated. I pound as hard as I can on my bed! That way I get all my aggression out, and, it doesn't hurt my hands. I learned that lesson when I pounded my fist on my desk once.... Will never do that again! So, something soft is a good idea. Yelling while in the shower works, too....
Bev, My green waste can survived just fine..it had some give so I didn't get hurt and neither did the can..the bed sounds good but since the cat is in the bedroom I'd scare her to death...poor little thing. Hollering in the shower works too but the hubby would think I was in trouble and want to help..that would be a riot.
In an effort to keep each discussion "on topic", I have moved the amusing Irish comments to Giggles and Jokes, Part 4.
It has been quite a while since I have issued this reminder - when commenting, please try to stick to the subject of the discussion topic. I understand there is a tendency to wander off topic, but it gets distracting and confusing to someone who is looking to discuss a particular subject.
my dh complains about absolutly everything i work 6 days a week so i always hope that on the 7th i can relax a bit yea right he starts complaining from the moment he gets up loudly if im not up i see him decline more than the kids do i know its a part of trying to contol his life that seems out of control and he still drives pretty good mostly when im with him he seldoms goes on his own . he bought himself a hat that everyone gives him a hard time about not me he looks like an old man in it says his father had one funny he remembers that his father died in 1957 when he was 4 i try to stay positive because he idoes not rage and is pleasant when not complaining he and i spend time together confortably but for all intent and purpose he is not the man i married 37 yrs ago and i miss him . right now im also dealing with a mother on dialysis, diabetic and she lost a leg before christmas so maybe that is why his complaining bothers so much i fell stress coming at me from all angles linda t
Hang in there, Linda, good to see you posting, sounds like you have a lot to deal with. Check out the thread "Some things get easier" -- the early stage that you seem to be going through, is in some ways the hardest.
Linda, you certainly have lot to cope with. Complaining is hard to deal with under the best of circumstances, and you have your mother to worry about too. If you haven't already, you may need to get help for yourself - maybe counseling or medication. Most of us do.
i am on effexor i started taking before all this started for menipause but there is a lot of stress at work too that used to be a place where i could be with adults ? i wonder if they know they are adults dont think so i try not to get too stressed so i stay by myself alot no early onset groups near me