Phranque made a comment in another thread that struck a note with me. He said his anniversary was coming up and he wanted to know if it counted as an anniversary. Now, to be honest, I do not even know if Phranque's wife is still with him or passed on. But... This past July 14th was our 25th and it should have been a jubilant celebration. Instead, it was a nearly forgotten heartbreaking pause in a typically stressful week. I no longer look forward to our anniversary. I don't really count these past couple of years as part of our marriage. There has been very little of anything marriage like for so long. The most ironic part of all of this is that when Sharon was "normal" she barely remembered our anniversary. I raised a glass at dinner with friends at Calhoon's in Gatlinburg, Tennessee and said here's to my anniversary when Sharon and I had been married about sixteen years. Everyone at the table looked at me like I was nuts... including Sharon. It actually took a few minutes of explaining to convince them all that it was, in fact, Sharon's and my anniversary. It became a running joke, I was perhaps the only man in America who cared more than his wife about the darned thing and wouldn't have gotten in a lick of trouble if I forgot it all together. Now they break my heart.
Thunder--they all count. Even now, you are together. The relationship has changed, but you're still committed to it. I believe, because even at the last it's known to happen that flashes of our LOs true self sometimes breaks through, that the Dementias do more to cut the connections for interaction, isolating our LOs but not entirely destroying their "self". When occasions happen that their wiring reconnects, for a flash we're gifted with a connection. My DH always thought I was a bit nuts, because I'd wish him "Happy Anniversary" on the 10th and 12th of Feb. as well as on our Wedding Anniversary, August 31st. I had quit looking for a partner. No longer thought I'd possibly connect. Then we met (Feb. 10), got engaged (Feb 12)--as natural a decision as breathing, and got married in August. That was 36 years ago. He's well into Stage 6 now and too easily confused and upset so I haven't wished him "Happy Anniversary" this month and won't---but I remember.
Yes, Phranque's wife is still with him, and from your post, I think you two may be in around the same stage of this journey.
All of us here understand how you feel when you say "There has been very little of anything marriage like for so long." We are all going through the same thing, and it stinks.
Anniversaries mean nothing here. I didn't even mention ours to my husband yesterday. It wouldn't have made a difference to the day. My mom and sister wished me a happy anniversary and I said that it is just another day. We never made a huge deal about it but we did usually go out to a nicer than usual restaurant to celebrate. Nowadays he's happy with a cheeseburger. He was tired after day care yesterday and also he gets a pretty big lunch while he is there so we just had some pasta for dinner last night. Same old, same old.
I remember about 15 years ago, on our anniversary, DH was acting strange. Then he got angry for no reason and just ruined our day. I had gotten him a card and had no desire to give it to him. A couple of days later, I found the card in my car and really enjoyed tearing it up and throwing it in the garbage. I don't think that I have bought him a card since. There is no way I am going to open myself up to the hurt.
We usually go out to dinner and still do most of the time. Nothing fancy just good food.
This June will be our 34th.
What I have learned for all holidays is that the build up is the problem. If we keep it low-key with out a lot of discussion, it goes much better.
I am one of the spouses who now knows that this has been going on for a long time. Some of the others here have had the same experience.
I had looked forward to o ur 50th anniversary for a long time. We had planned to be remarried and give our v ows for another 50 years . However when our 50th arrived my husband was too ill to even understand marriage or the concept of marriage. I agreed to my childrens desire to have a family dinner at a restaurant and enjoy with t hem th e occasion. While there a waitress asked my husband, "How many years have you been married"? He replied sseriously, " Fifty thousand years". For s ome reason that tickled me and I smile whenever I think about his answer. It is a bitter sweet memory. ANother milestone we missed as well as weddings, births, etcc. he and I i n the ensuing years would miss many, many lovely occasions.
Anniversary was never a day to celebrate after about 7 years. After his affair, he tried for a few years with a flower or candy, but that soon died off and now it is just another day. This year will be 39 years of being together. We go out so often because after all these years I am tired of cooking and cleaning up, that it would not be special anyway.
Our anniversary is in midsummer and we go out to dinner at the most expensive restaurant in town (well, there are only three if you don't count the pub) which is in our local medieval castle, and if we are lucky and it is a warm evening, we can sit outdoors in the castle gardens shaded by huge chestnut trees, with a view of swans swimming in the moat. Last year he enjoyed the dinner but was quite worried about whether we could afford it. It is a splurge that I look forward to all year. This year for the first time he had NO idea what was going on, but enjoyed the dinner anyway. When the check came he didn't look at it but gave me the 10 Euros that he carries in his billfold, and asked me to pay the waiter.
I guess I should have posted this in the "Alrighty then" thread.
It was our 23rd on the 31st of January. And I believe they do still count. I was feeding Charlie his supper at about the same time of day that we were married and I walked down memory lane out loud to him. Did he understand? I don't know, but the aides feeding the other people in his dining room enjoyed the story and I enjoyed my memories.
Our anniversary is just me hanging on to the "anniversary" ritual. It's like what I do now for all holidays and special events. Prepare for any behavior, be concerned about the timing because certain times of the day are better than others, and generally just do it in the wierd lonely fashion that I do most things. Planning alone, preparing alone,......Every year it gets harder to care about doing it, so while son is still at home, I try to "normalize" all special events. Our 29th anniversary is next week,we will probably just go out to dinner. I toy with the idea of inviting another couple but hate to open myself up to that "comparison" thing. Most times I do not invite others, even though some company and conversation would be nice, because I can't for many reasons, most of which all of you could probably understand, and for which I most likely need the services of a shrink. Too many reasons to go into now. Sigh. Stunt Girl, as to VALENTINE'S DAY. Yesterday, after work, I was straightening things up and found some red file folders and a new pack of sharpie pens in a wierd spot in my house. I smiled because DH used to make me homemade valentine's. Just for fun, I showed him what I found and asked him if he had been planning to make me a Valentine this year. We both laughed when he said "yes, but then I lost all that stuff ". Hey, it's the thought that counts I guess and yes, I'm happy that he had the thought....... PS He does not have the "thought" about the upcoming anniversary, just as there was no "thought" (or gift) about Christmas.
My DH noticed a flyer from the newspaper advertising Valentines Day. He said he had to get me something. I told him it was tomorrow and he said yes. I don't know what he was thinking of getting or how he was going to get it. I do all the driving and we have snow here and I imagine icy roads so there is no way I am getting out there. Maybe next year. lol
Mine mentioned yesterday that he had to go to the store to get something. Wouldn't say what it was. So, I took him and he told me he had to get it by himself. I stayed where he couldn't see me and he headed to the card area. He took forever, but finally picked out a card and went to the cashier. I just waited for him. He put the bag with the card in his pocket after he paid for it. He will rarely pay for anything, but he does keep a little money in his wallet. So...maybe I will get a valentine tomorrow - or a birthday card, or a Christmas card...who knows, unless he forgets entirely. He is still asking people how their Christmas was, or if they are ready for Christmas yet. It's the thought that counts though!
That's wonderful, Vickie, no matter what kind of card it is. My DH sent me 2 Valentine e-cards from the computer he uses for games to the computer I use for everything else. I did the same for him. And we are going out to dinner with another couple tonight.
DH definitely knows tomorrow is Valentine's Day. Yesterday he said "I haven't had a chance to get you anything". I told him that I knew I was his valentine and he knew he was mine so we didn't need to give $$ to Hallmark to prove it. He said "I'm glad you think that way". As Divvi would say: awwww
PS - I've ordered myself an iTouch for my present <grin>.
While my husband was alive, I would get very depressed about holidays, special days, etc. and sometimes had a real pity party....but now that he is gone I wish I could just touch him, hold him in my arms, kiss his beloved face and just enjoy his presence/ I feel so sad for you who are struggling to go on with life when your reason for living sometimes is obscure. I feel sad also for your dear one who many times sees through the fog in their brain for an instant to discern that something important is happening. I used to buy something on the special day and take it to show my dh what he had given me for the day. I think he understood sometimes and perhaps thought he had actually remembered our special occasion. Hopefully, in the hereafter, we will be once again be happy together .
o joyful you just made me cry you wrote exactly how I feel I would have given anything to have had my Bob here! for our anniversary, I did go to our favorite place to celebrate, he was with me in spirit. Even when he couldn`t remember our special days I would just say something to him, sometimes I would get a smile or Gail I know!! Don`t ignore your anniversary I plan on celebrating mine as a tribut to my dear one, we didn`t divorce, we are just sparated by death until we meet again.
I am so glad that my post resonated with so many of you. Thank you all (and I do mean all) for sharing exactly how you feel. I shift back and forth a lot. I am happy to treat Sharon as my sweet little doll on special days... but I slip into self pity over the fact that everything is so one sided. I don't actually feel guilty... I know intellectually that it is normal and I quite frankly can't help it. My marriage to Sharon was a second marriage for both of us. After my divorce I thought I was going to be gun-shy for a long time to come. The day I met Sharon my heart melted. I had never met a woman like her. She was so sweet and gentle. She overlooked my multitude of flaws and found the little bit of good worth cultivating in me. To this day I don't understand what made her think it was worth it. I had a lot of baggage and a bad temper. She got a front row seat to my temper pretty regularly but I never had the desire to direct it at her and she knew it. She could calm me with a word or a look or a touch.............. That is why this feels so surreal. There are no more looks, words or touches. I owe her more than I can ever repay and I miss her so much it physically hurts. There wasn't a single moment that I didn't love her completely... and yet I somehow feel like I wasn't paying attention and it all slipped by, to this. I want my wife back.
Thanks to all of you for your wonderful comments and experiences. I was just thinking about these things today when I bought DW some Red Roses and a valentines card. I don't think she ever understood what the occasion was or appreciated getting the flowers. She always liked to get flowers. Our 57th wedding anniversary is on Feb 25, and she won't understand that either. We have all lost a lot.
I posted yesterday about DH buying a "card" but I didn't know what kind it was and wondered if I'd get a birthday card, valentine's card, or what. Well, it's past noon - and no card has been given yet! We went out to breakfast with a small group of friends and on the way home he mentioned that "tomorrow is valentine's day, isn't it"? Told him, no it's today. Oops...he just called to me from downstairs to ask, "IS TODAY VALENTINE'S DAY". told him yes. Well, he's thinking, just can't keep it straight which day is which! We'll see what happens throughout the rest of the day.
I did get a valentine card! Yay!!! he just called me downstairs - asked me if today was valentines day and I said yes. He went to the desk and got the card! Couldn't believe it! Then asked me where I wanted to go for dinner tonight! So....good moments do come back occasionally! Hope you all have a good one.
Vickie, your saga about the buying and giving the vday card was darling. we would surely cherish any card he chose! the thought is what counts as they say. glad he got it right -one validation that his brain in on the right road:) hold that thought and enjoy! divvi
Our 33rd anniversary is Thursday of this week. I mentioned it to my sweetie this morning, after wishing him a happy Valentines day. We just always went out to dinner together, so yesterday, I had to take him to the doctor, UTI, so we stopped on the way home for lunch. i told him that would be our valentines dinner. he seemed content with that, but today, he wants to know what to buy me for our anniversary. I said we'd go shopping on thursday, and get something. He's sleeping on the sofa right now, happy Valentines day all.
Last week, DH asked me when Valentine's Day was. I told him it was actually Sun. but that we were going out to dinner on Sat. night with friends. He said I thought V-Day was always on Thursday. (Yes, and the chocolates are in a turkey-shaped box.....guess this should have been posted under "alrighty then."
buzzelena, reminds me of my DH. My birthday is Nov. 24th - always the week of Thanksgiving and he always gets it confused. Says my birthday is always on Thursday. Yeah, I'd say that's an"alrighty then"!
I had a surprise too. DH had heard all the Vday ads on tv..didn't ring any bells. There were the adverts in the paper..nada.. Then Friday I needed something from the grocery store..He actually made a little list from the grocery sales day before! He said he would go. He went and got all cleaned up and then came out and said I really don't want to go to the store. ( he has shortness of breath due to the heart surgery 5 years ago and complications from that) so I said I would go. Then as I was changing he came back said he would go and before I could say anything he was out the door and gone..Lord I thought he has some minor problems getting to places but he gets there please don't let him get lost. Shortly he came home with the things on the list and a little plant..no card, no reason given but the little pot it was in said Love..so on some level he knew. Then yesterday until he got his little cards ( from me and Her Highness the cat) he had no clue what the day was. He tried to make dinner reservations but nothing out there so the plan is to go to dinner tonight..we shall see if he remembers...
My sweetheart and I have our wedding anniversary this THursday also,Chris r....it would be 59 yrs. I don't look forward to the day but have wonderful memories of our other anniversaries.
My wife and I are celebrating our 50th this June. In a couple weeks we have invited 12 couples in our FL community to join us fro dinner.......I've done all the work, but she seems to understand, but not always remembering (she's into her 4th year since her diagnosis). When we return North, I would like to do something with friends there, something that she would be comfortable with, maybe a catered bbq on our lawn. I'm not too sure how she would react to this. Anyone have experience with this??
Welcome to my website. Let me try to answer your question first, before I give you my official welcome. You know your wife better than anyone, so trust your judgement as to what she can handle. Most of the time, a large gathering is too confusing and stressful for someone with AD. See how she does with the Florida party. If 12 couples is too much, and she doesn't react well to it, scale it down for up North.
One of our members, Bill, canceled his 50th anniversary celebration due to the advanced nature of his wife's AD, and did something very special and memorable instead. Go to Bill's blog about Carol - http://howiscaroldoing.blogspot.com Keep scrolling down until you come to the anniversary blog, and scroll down some more until you come to the video. That video is outstanding.
Now I would like to tell you more about this website. You have come to a place of comfort for spouses who are trying to cope with the Alzheimer's/dementia of their husband/wife. The issues we face in dealing with a spouse with this disease are so different from the issues faced by children and grandchildren caregivers. We discuss all of those issues here - loss of intimacy; social contact; conversation; anger; resentment; stress; and pain of living with the stranger that Alzheimer's Disease has put in place of our beloved spouse.
The message boards are only part of this website. Please be sure to log onto the home page - www.thealzheimerspouse.com - and read all of the resources on the left side. I recommend starting with "Newly Diagnosed/New Member" and "Understanding the Dementia Experience".
Do not miss the "previous blog" section. It is there you will find a huge array of topics with which you can relate. There is a new "search" feature on the home page that allows you to look up different topics that may have been explored in a previous blog. Log onto the home page daily for new blogs; news updates; important information.
We celebrated our 50th wedding anniversary, yesterday. Daughter and her husband and granddaughter took us out to dinner. DH went along with this and seemed to enjoy the attention. We received cards and flowers and it a was a good day. I had always planned a big celebration for this event. I downsized my expectations and am just glad we can have a low key, calm day. I am also relieved that the day is over.
Happy anniversary, maryd. glad you got to celebrate somewhat and that DH enjoyed it. So sorry you couldn't have your big celebration though for your 50th. In any event, it's a great milestone in this day and time!
Happy Golden Anniversary! maryd. I know it's not what you planned but at least you were able to be together with family and that your husband was able to enjoy it.
Happy Anniversary, thankful for the years before this horrible disease struck. Memories may be all many of us have now but that is what we hang onto..... You have an added plus with family.... God Blessed both you and your dh with each other.....Hope you have a great holiday......