Joan, I read your blog and have been thinking quite a bit and come to the conclusion I have coped alone since I've been married. Maybe it's because DH was in the military and went TDY (Temporary Duty) quite often so I had to take care of whatever came up. DH was never a handyman so I took care of what I could or called a pro when I couldn't. The only thing that has really changed is the driving. DH did a lot of that but now I do it all as well as finances, doctor's appointments and anything else that needs to be taken care of. DH has never bothered with finances so there has never been a problem with him spending too much money. In fact I don't think he has ever used a credit card!
I think I find that the hardest part of coping alone is not the DOING of things or getting them done, it's the part of not being able to talk about certain things, as we did before, then decide together on what to do, where to go, etc. It's all the decisions I have to make alone, then see that they get carried out.
It's the conversation with me too Vickie. I was always the one who handled the finances, fixed the plumbing, rewired lamps when something went wrong with them. I was even the one who climbed on top of our chalet to clean the chimney. If it needed fixing, I was always the one to do it. It wasn't until after dh was gone that I realized all that he did. Taking the garbage to the curb was the one thing that hit me the most. Knowing if I didn't want to do something, maybe run to the store for a loaf of bread, I knew that he would do it. Now that garbage won't get to the curb unless I do it and if I want the loaf of bread, I have to go get it. It's not the big things that need doing, it's the small things getting done or I should say not getting done that I miss the most along with the conversation, the hugs the kisses and the I love yous.
It's really all of the above for me. Making every decision. Doing all the little fix-its, calling a pro for the big ones. He did fix a plugged garbage disposal a couple of weeks ago, which amazed me, but that was the exception rather than the rule. There's not much talking, even about the weather.
Ditto to a lot of the things you have said already. The small things. Like running an errand I didn't have time for. Taking the garbage to the land fill, feeding the hounds. Looking back, I realize I've been alone personally, for a very, very long time.
Joan, exactly. No one to talk to and really no one who cares about the details of my life or my feelings. I also think it is the "not normal" quality of my life that makes it so hard to cope with. Responses that don't make sense. Every normal routine like eating, bedtime, etc. a test of handling unfamiliar and weird actions. It is crazy-making, stressful and lonely. It is being woken up at 4 a.m. because DH is looking for the paper that comes at 6 a.m. and knowing this will keep happening. It is driving in and seeing the garage door open and knowing this will keep happening. It is not being able to count on any of the normal routines going smoothly. Today I feel alone, and my life feels empty of joy and of meaning.
I agree with a lot of the above comments. It's hard enough taking over what she did - check book, meals, housekeeping, errands. But even harder is having to make all decisions alone with no input from her, no one to discuss things with. A couple of years ago my PCP put me on buproprion (Wellbutrin). I wasn't sure it was doing anything, so a couple of months ago, with his OK, I tapered off and stopped. After a few days I realized that it must have been doing something since I was having so much more trouble coping. I have now restarted it and feel a bit better, so I guess it was doing something.
I think I've turned a corner, new for 2010. I've spent the years since 2004 missing, in gradual stages, the help, friendship, and useful partnership of my husband, and--all that time--primarily felt like I was living deprived of the vital emotional nutrient J's personality and partnership had provided. (And maybe I hadn't even fully been aware of until it was gone.)
For some reason, with the new year I'm experiencing a new sense of satisfaction with singleness. Even though I'm not, technically, single. You know what I mean. Right, I still have this person I'm taking care of--that's just sort of one of my jobs, but from a psychological well-being standpoint, I seem to have...I don't know, maybe "gotten over it." At least at the moment. I still miss him (as in, who he was,) but that was long ago and far away, or something.
If you people think you are lonely now, wait until your loved one is six feet under ground. Be happy that despite the work and worry, you can reach out and touch them. We "*"s can't.
I thank God every day that my husband is still here, even though he can no longer converse with me and I was up this morning at 4am washing bedding. It has been an unusually bad day for me. My DH has done nothing but pace today and as my mom used to say,"I'm on my last nerve." I know I should be chershing every moment I have with him. After almost 4 years of watching him quickly decline, I know now that I can only live in the moment, get through the day ahead of me, expect nothing, but be grateful when something good does happen. Really all I want to do today is lock myself in the bathroom and have a good old fashioned cry! I am thankful for every day that I have with him, but I miss us, I miss me!
"Getting over it" is what I fear. Does that make any sense? While he is still here alive, I fear losing the frayed connection completely. I don't know if accepting and adjusting to that is better for me emotionally or not. This whole thing has me very confused. I agree with Bev L - I miss "us".
I miss "us," too. Here I am, on the computer, talking to you, and there he is, sleeping since 9 pm. Tomorrow will pretty much be the same. When I try to talk to him about things that were important to both of us, he looks at me blankly as if to say, "What are you talking about?" When we do talk, what does it matter, really? He won't remember it tomorrow anyway. I miss asking him to run to the store (actually, he did most of the grocery shopping) when I need something; I miss knowing that if a big question comes up, such as when something bad happens in the house, we talked about it, but he handled it from there. Recently we had plumbing and electrical work done and I had to handle all of it. I don't like handling all of these things; as a matter of fact, I dislike it very much. But, I know that's the way things are now and I'll handle this, too.
And TexasJoe, I'm very glad he's here with me. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Yes, it makes sense. I can still "go there" in my mind, if I allow myself to sink into a reverie of our former life/love, but usually I'd rather not. I'm pretty sure I'm happier to be able to live, day-to-day, on a plane that doesn't require dipping into the sadness. (Because I'm not saying it ever goes away. I'm sure it never does, even for "real" widows/widowers, decades down the road. It's just at a deeper layer in the emotional parfait, and you've really got to stick your spoon down far to get a taste of it when you're living near the whipped cream. What a stupid analogy. shrug.)
It may seem cold, but I believe I HAVE "gotten over it", even though I AM very lonely. I'm not exactly blessed when I visit John.....don't think he ever cared for me, like I've said before. I'm tired of being cursed at, seeing his angry eyes. I'm truly empty on the inside. I don't cry anymore, or rarely anyway. I feel like I've wasted my life with him and angry with MYSELF for letting that happen. What was wrong with me?????!!! Just the way it is with me.
All of you are so right and express my feelings and experiences, almost better than I can. But, at the new level that we have just reached (my DW is in the hospital and going from there to an ALF) all of a sudden, things are different again. The house is empty and quiet and I pinch myself trying to realize that this is the new way I am going to have to live. As hard as she was to take care of and as frustrated as I got doing it, there is an empty spot that I can't describe. When she was so angry and upset (kinda hated me, I think) I thought I would be glad when this time came, but.....
Am I losing it? or has the disease taking it's toll on me so I don't know what I want or when I am well off.
No, I don't think you are "losing it". I think that this whole thing is just too complex and confusing for our emotions to sort out. I hate this. I really do.
Emily, maybe "you're so used to it" after enduring 6 years of it. Since our diagnosis, only 1-1/2 years ago, I think I have only now fully absorbed it. Perhaps a few years down the road I'll feel as you do. I hope so. I'd like to get back "me." I don't feel like me anymore.
Dean - You aren't losing it. It's another life change. Some of these "life changes" cause us to temporarily shut down. In a while, you'll adjust to the feeling and your new life will begin.
Realized I was heading into a tailspin the weekend after Hospice took us on. Right at first it didn't make sense to me. I now had 24/7 back up and other helps launching. Then, I realized that while I had been doing well as a Caregiver, I hadn't really been SEEING DH's progression and how he has become so significantly debilitated. Day to day, I knew how he was; what he needed; how to deal with him. But during the Evaluation I answered question after question which pointed up his decline in a whole new way. I knew I was losing him. I now know that is closer than I realized, not because of any given symptom, bu because of his over all losses. How do I cope with that? The same way I have coped for the last 18 1/2 years, after fighting off Clinical Depression. I made the most colossal (sp) blunder when I first became DH's Caregiver (after his mental breakdown)--I took care of everybody and everything--except myself. A good friend kept after me to get some help, and once on that road I opted for both meds and counseling. The first stood in to level my brain chemistry until healing brought my levels back to normal.It took about a year. The Counselig helped me see how I'd gotten into that fix. It helped me learn to identify the kinds of things that set me on the path of daulty thinking. And I learned ways to neutralize the triggers, dispose of them, and build myself up in ways to weaken their power. So, now, instead of continuing to proceed in the way that's worked for a while, while things were just going along, I'm polishing my armor and sharpening my skills. This is stuff I learned, but haven't had to actively use for a while.
1. If something is a problem--do the following. Determine what is the problem; determine whose problem it is; and based on the answer to whose it is--if not yours, hand it off or ship it; if it is yours and you can deal with it and end it--do that; and if it's yours and will be chronic--do what you can and then mentally shove it into a closet, until it kicks up again--don't let it dominate you. 2. Give yourself a break. This is not your fault, nor anyone elses. You will make mistakes. Accept that, forgive yourself and keep trying. 3. Take care of yourself. This includes Dr. apts., meds., sleep, proper mealtimes, recreation, support groups or counseling, whatever it takes to keep you well and build your strength--mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Feel good about yourself and whgat you're doing.
I'm bringing these back into more acive play, because I am not folding. VaD has my DH and it will take him from me, but it will do so on my terms. I will see him through it to the end with love and dignity--he will not be alone. It will not take me. That is my win, and when I finish with it, I am planning to have a full and happy AFTER.
Carol, those are words of wisdom from you, as always. I especially like #1. So often we get caught up expending our emotional and/or physical energy on things that are not in our control. Such a waste. Numbers 2 and 3 would be easier to carry out if we could adhere to #1.
Carosi... Thanks a million... My thoughts exactly but somehow I felt guilty... When I see it in writing from someone I've grown to respect here, then I know I, too, will survive this horrible part of my life....WITH DIGNITY...I have the good fortune of the greatest friends in the world, male and female,,, Not a doubt that whatever happens, they'll jump right in and help me continue life..We moved from the South to the Midwest into a feeling that I have waited all my life to get here..Our children are here so I needed to be near them, Along with that, all these wonderful friends came from nowhere as if I'd always been RIght here... So,,,I'm hanging on thru them...and WILL survive,, Thanks,Carosi... Loveya...
I read this posting last week and could not find the words to say anything. I just read Sharan's post on loosing her husband and her faith was so gratifying. I do not feel I could walk through this journey without my faith and it sure helps to hear the expressions of yall. My dear Carol is now in a NH and is sleeping a great deal but at least she is CONTENT. So many old folks in the halls in wheel chairs and sleeping away. Very sad but I know that I am dedicating my life to Carol's life, however long she takes. I look forward to that day when we get new bodies and see each other again. Thank you all for your poslts. bill